P A S T

K E I R A

Seattle, USA

I'd always known that the day would come when I'd have to go back, but now that the evidence of all the errors I'd made in the past four years stared me in the eye, I didn't know what to do. I wished I could say loving Nikolai was a mistake, but he was the best thing that had happened to me in a very long time. Being Kevin and Carla Knight's daughter was challenging at best, and grueling at worst. Yes, they'd loved both Kyzer and me, but they didn't just expect perfection, they demanded it, and I never did well with doing what I was told. If they could see me now, they'd be disappointed, not because I'd went and fallen in love with the only man that could make me smile besides my brother, rather because all I'd did since he first kissed me was lie to him. It killed me to know that when all was said and done, getting Nikolai's hatred might be the best outcome. He'd never hidden his hatred for liars, always saying he preferred the good old 'I can't tell you' over fictitious realities. Finally, my perfectly crafted fables were going to fall off the cliff, and the road I'd kept on painting was now coming to an end as all dreams did. Perhaps, all of my counterfeit realities seemed plausible because there was a time even I'd believed my lies, and now the tribulations of my truth stood right in front of me, except this time I didn't know what to do, not did I have anyone to go to for advice. I'd single-handedly closed all doors of help when I'd lied not only to my fiancé, but also to my twin brother.

I sighed as I entered our apartment, and threw the keys on the counter, tears stung the back of my eyes as I swallowed the lump in my throat knowing that I'd brought this hell on myself. It was time to return, I knew that, however, I couldn't help but wonder if I could put the Pentagon off. I was being ripped apart by my legacy and my love, and while I knew what I wanted to choose, that choice would just end up killing the very person who breathed a new life in me with his mere existence. I sat on the couch in the dark as I looked at the cloudy sky from the floor-length windows willing it to offer me an answer.

I wasn't aware of how long I'd sat in the falling darkness as the daylight got dimmer, and tangerines and violets took over the sky. A set of keys dropping on the counter alerted me, and when I looked at Nikolai's tired frame, I couldn't help myself as I damn near ran towards him just as he was turning around, and pushed his back against the counter as I sealed my lips over his in a desperate kiss. Anything to feel him closer to me for a little while. He responded immediately by tightening his arms around me as he pulled me closer so that my breasts brushed against his chest. I pushed my hips into his as I took his lower lip between my teeth, pulling it. Kissing him had always transcended any high I could've chased, it'd always been freefalling with no end in sight, and still knowing he'd always catch me. Looping my arm around his neck, I pushed my tongue inside his mouth, kissing him like it was the first and last time I'd ever feel him against me, and perhaps it was because, after today, I would never know when it would be the last kiss I'd ever get from him. Nikolai matched the ache building deep inside of me with the passionate strokes of his tongue against mine as his hands traveled down the length of my hair, and he wrapped the unruly strands around his fist, tugging them backward so my head was angled for him to kiss me deeper. Our lips slid against each other's perfectly as I tightened my hold on his shirt, pulling him closer. No time with him would ever be enough, and the pain that I wouldn't have this very soon sliced my chest open. Nikolai pulled away, his brows furrowing together at the sudden misery that'd taken over me like a storm, however, I didn't want to confront my demons yet, after all, I'd managed to conveniently ignore them for four years, what was a few more nights? I slid my lips down towards his neck, kissing and biting any skin I could reach as I made a work of loosening his tie. Perhaps, it was selfish of me to even wish for engraving myself so deep under his skin that he'd never forget me, even when I was gone, but I wanted that. I wanted him to remember me, even when he thought I was dead.

"Wait," Nikolai stopped my fumbling hands with his, and held my chin between his fingers softly as his hold on my hair loosened and he held the back of my neck to keep me in place. "As much as I appreciate this warm welcome—" He ran his tongue over his bottom lips, "You're not yourself, what's going on, Keira?"

Nikolai stood holding me, a small smile on his lips as his brows furrowed in concentration as if he could figure out everything that's been bothering me and fix it. Nikolai was a fixer, however, this wasn't a mess he could fix; in fact, I'd keep him as far as away from this as possible. "Keira, baby, tell me what's up?" The leaden edges of Nikolai's eyes softened as he cupped my cheek, his fingers stroking my face reverently.

"Do you want kids?" I blurted out the first question I could think of to disarm him, and maybe one whose answer would persuade me to finally leave him alone because he was never mine to keep. I was a liar and a cheat, how could I keep him when all I'd been doing was filling his eyes with smoke over and over again.

His forehead creased as his eyes widened at the abruptness of the question I'd asked him. Nikolai swallowed, "Are you....?" He cleared his throat, "Are you pregnant?"

This time I laughed because I hadn't expected his confusion, but I suppose I should've seen it coming as we hadn't openly talked about having children. I couldn't have them—not because I didn't want to—rather because of the unavoidable verities of my life. I was a woman on the run, and no matter how much time I'd spend hiding, I'd always need to return. And while I'd admit it was wrong of me to trick Nikolai into thinking I was a normal girl with normal worries in life, and not about how I had a bulls-eye painted on my back, I didn't want to sign any child I might've had for abandonment, after all, one could never outrun their fates, and believe me, I'd tried. Noticing his stunned face, I shook my head, "No, I'm not," If I didn't know him better, I wouldn't have noticed his sigh of relief, and for all of my red herrings, I wanted all of his revelations. I wanted to know all of his demons and make friends with them, however, I knew it wasn't my right. "I was just curious,"

Nikolai nodded, but I'd seen the contentment on his face, and for the first time since we'd been together, I wondered if he had skeletons just as bad as mine in his closet. It fuelled the hopeless optimistic inside me that wanted to confide him in, but was terrified that he'd leave me. "That's not something you randomly get curious about," He cleared his throat, and pushed off the countertop, gently removing my hands off him as he walked towards our room.

"Your reaction screams otherwise,"

"Drop it, Keira," He said over his shoulder as he entered our room, and walked towards the restroom. The reasonable part of me wanted to let him keep his reasons to himself, but the stubborn part of me had to know. So I followed him in, watching as he unbuttoned his shirt agitatedly, untucking it in a hurry and dropping it on the ground. His belt came off next, and joined the shirt and tie on the floor, his slacks and boxer briefs followed. Nikolai never left his clothes like that. Period. My stomach tightened with worry as I got rid of my own clothes, and joined him underneath the shower.

His palms lay flat on the shower wall as he hung his head low, the water falling over every ridge of his body. Approaching him, I hugged him from behind, my tits pressing against his warm back and I wrapped my hands around his abdomen, leaving feather-light kisses on his shoulder. The tension in his muscles loosened, but he didn't seem to be in any better spirits than when I'd gotten in. "Do you not want any?"

"Keira—" He sighed exasperatedly, and straightened, turned around so that he was facing me and my chest touched against his. My nipples hardened instantly in a way they always did around him, and wetness pooled between my legs. He stopped my advancing hands towards his hardened cock, "I don't think I'm ready to be a father right now." One simple sentence and something feral inside my chest loosened its painful grip just at the knowledge that I wasn't holding something he'd wanted back.

"Okay," I nodded, understanding him more than he'd ever know.

"Okay?"

"Yes, Niko," I smiled, "It's not like I'm ready to be a mother right now," I added to ease him, knowing he despised generic answers. Suddenly the warm water turned ice-cold, and I couldn't help the scream that slipped past my lips, "Niko! What the hell?" A hand wrapped around my wrist as I lost my footing on the floor, and stumbled into Niko's chest, his muscled arms holding me hostage as my tits brushed against his hard, muscled chest, the tips hardening immediately.

"I'll warm you up," He breathed against my ear, running his nose down the column of my neck, blowing on my flesh as the water cascaded down on us. I arched my back as I sank my teeth into my bottom lip. Niko pulled away, ran his thumb over my lip, freeing it from my teeth, and leaned down, crashing his lips down on mine. He swiped his tongue over my bottom lip, and held it between his teeth, pulling it back towards him. "Only I get to bite that lip, baby."

I moaned as he connected his lips with mine again, more demanding, taking everything that I had from me. I wrapped my leg around his waist, driving my hips into his, needing him more than ever. Nikolai was the poison I'd willingly taken over and over again just like Eve ate the apple. The devil could only tempt, after all, to bite the apple was Eve's decision, and just like that, I'd succumbed to the temptation of a man like Nikolai consuming me. I grinded my hips against his hardened cock, the head brushed against my clit, sending tremors through my body that I knew had nothing to do with the cold. Nikolai tapped my other leg, pulling me up, his hands kneading my ass as I locked my feet behind his back. The water stopped, and he carried me out, placing my butt on the counter as he stood between my legs, his lips still on mine, our tongues entangled in a dance they'd mastered all on their own. My fingers tangled in his hair as he pulled away, trailing wet kisses down my neck towards the valley of my breasts. My head fell against the mirror as he enclosed his mouth over my nipple, his fingers rolling the other one with just the softest kiss of pain.

"Look at me, Keira." The command in his voice had my eyes snapping open as more wetness pooled between my legs, but Nikolai steered clear of my pussy that desperately needed his attention. My eyes met his leaden gaze, the unhinged desire in his mirroring mine, and I moaned as he grazed his teeth against my flesh. "What aren't you telling me?" Nikolai spoke before taking my nipple between his lips, driving me crazy with his tongue. He pinched my nipple when I'd moaned, making it clear it wasn't the answer he wanted, but I couldn't give him the answer he thought he needed because which man in love would like to hear that his love had an expiration date.

"Tell. Me." His hooded gaze held mine as I felt a sharp sting on my clit. I looked down to see Nikolai had slapped my pussy, and he did it again, a low smirk tugging his lips. A strangled moan slipped past my lips as he traced my slit with his finger, his head buried in my neck as he worked his way up, kissing, licking, biting my bare skin. "I won't ask again, Keira, and nor will I let you come,"

"That's not fair," I managed to speak in a throaty voice, afraid if I spoke anything else, I'd break down and confess everything. I'd tell him why we couldn't be together, why despite loving him we couldn't stay together, not if he valued his life.

"Nothing is fair in love and war, remember?" He arched his brow just as he entered his finger inside me. Unable to help myself my hips moved, seeking what only he could give me, and he pulled his hand back, smacking my pussy again. He knew it drove me crazy, fuck, he knew everything. I didn't know why my tongue started swelling just at the thought of telling him the truth about who I was. Perhaps, I'd gotten too comfortable lying, and now I didn't want my fragile house of cards to fall when I knew better than anyone it'd never against the storm that was coming to take my whole life under.

"I want to marry you this week!" I knew it was unfair, but when he stood looking like that in front of me, I wanted him all to myself, so if that meant I could be his wife if only for a little while, I'd take it. Seemingly disarmed, Niko leaned back,

"And why were you hiding that?"

"Because I told you I wanted to wait." I bit my lip, hoping it'd stop him from asking questions I couldn't answer even if it gutted me.

"You're allowed to change your mind, Keira." Nikolai smiled for the first time since he'd been back today and I felt my heart stopping inside my chest. He always looked beautiful when he smiled, it pulled everyone towards him. He took my lips with his, sweeter this time. Taking his time to kiss me as if he hadn't spent hours memorizing every part of me just like I had. "And you wanting to marry me has made the happiest man alive."

"I thought it was when I said yes to you,"

"That, and now this." Nikolai smiled, and then nipped my lip, and before I even knew what was happening, Nikolai had tugged me down from the counter, and turned me around, pressing my body against the counter. I now faced the mirror, watching him stand behind me as he held my arm between us. He slid his hard length between my ass cheeks, his hazy eyes locked with mine through the mirror. His hand holding my wrist pushed against my back, bending me over the counter. My heart thundered against my ribcage as I watched him fist his hardened cock as he lined up with my entrance. My breaths came out harsher, fogging the mirror in front of me. I tried rubbing my hips against him, wanting him inside me more than I wanted to breathe, but Niko pinned me in place with his hands. The head of his cock brushed my wet folds, and I couldn't help the cries of need that escaped my lips.

"Stop teasing me, Niko, and fuck me." He smirked behind me as he pushed all the way in until his balls rested against my clit. He held himself there, unmoving when I wanted him to move. I needed him to drive me to the edges of pleasure only he could because I knew it was only a matter of time before I'd have to let go of him. I wiggled to get some friction when he folded my hair, wrapping them around his fist, and tugged me until I was uptight. My back arched as my tits thrust forward and Nikolai buried his head against my neck, locking me in place against his body. He didn't say a word, somehow his steeled gaze saying everything for him. I opened my mouth to egg him, but before I had the chance, he pulled out and slammed back inside me, groaning lowly against my ear. His thrusts were aggressive, his grip on my hair painful, and his ravenous eyes stayed glued to my tits that bounced with each thrust of his.

Nikolai was the reason I knew why people chose to remain addicts after that first taste of something they knew would drive them to their impending death. Nikolai had always been that high for me, the euphoria that the druggies wanted, and I knew soon I'd be just a shell of myself, dying slowly because I'd no longer have him. Wanting to feel him everywhere, I held his free hand in mine and brought it to my breasts. Taking it as the demand it was, he gripped my nipple, twisting it tantalizingly as he continued moving inside of me. I'd wanted to come then, however, I needed him to fall off the deep end with me. Nikolai continued fucking me harder, and faster, and this time he wrapped his fingers around my throat. "Tell me if you want me to stop," His soft words made my heart swell as tears stung my eyes. I was no longer sure if they were from the pleasure he was eliciting from me or just my heart crying at having to leave its safe haven. Nikolai's grip became choking as he rammed inside me, the fire building inside my belly all the way from my core. Stars danced in my vision as I moaned. He grunted against my neck and our mixed cries of pleasure echoed inside the bathroom. He let go of my neck, and I gasped, seemingly back into my own body. His fingers brushed against my core, and I shattered right in his arms, crashing down from a high that had been the realest I'd ever experienced. In the embrace of my pleasure, I didn't hear his groans as he thrust into me one final time before coming inside me.

Nikolai exhaled sharply, leaving a soft kiss on my shoulder as he pulled out, and I turned around, slamming my lips against his, too tired to say anything else, "I love you,"

"Never more than me," He whispered against my lips, still sliding his lips with mine as he carried me to our bedroom.

***

I moved my arms around, searching for Nikolai, but his side of the bed was cold. Almost too cold. I snapped my eyes open, and looked around the room, sighing in relief when I watched his naked back standing on the balcony, however, I wasn't happy to see that his muscles were strained, and his fingers curled around the glass baluster. Not bothering with any clothes, I walked barefoot towards him, hoping to confront him, but stopped in my tracks after catching the words he was saying, my eyes widening in surprise and confusion.

"I will not come back. Get that through your head," He hissed, and I wondered who he could be talking to. Nikolai never got angry like that, he was one of the calmest men I knew, and seeing him so volatile scared me as I wondered about how well I really knew him. "I won't change my mind. Fucking let me live alright?" He switched to another language I didn't understand after and wanting to comfort him, I walked towards him and wrapped my arms around his waist, hugging him from behind.

Nikolai relaxed instantly, held my hand between his fingers, and brushed his lips against my skin as he conversed with whoever it was. He ended the call soon after, pocketed his phone, and turned to face me. He didn't give me a chance to speak, shutting me up with a searing kiss instead, and just like that the suspicious phone call became another nail in the coffin of our dying relationship. Perhaps my betrayal would be what truly killed us, but I wasn't a fool to think that we were perfect. Then again nothing ever is, and maybe what Niko and I had wasn't perfect in the eyes of the world, but it was ours. I wished it could've stayed like that but both our demons were crawling out even if we refused to acknowledge them, hoping they'd leave us alone instead.

* * *

So thoughts?

Do you like Nikolai when he wasn't who he is now or do you like him better now?

Any theories about whatever Nikolai was hiding?

Thank you so much for reading, and waiting for my updates. I'm really grateful to all of you. Please vote, and comment and let me know what you think!