K E I R A

Russia

It's funny how sometimes trying to do the right thing blows up in your face. I thought I was saving Nikolai from a lifetime on the run, never knowing he was already quite familiar with pretending he wasn't who he was. The heir of Chernov Bratva. His grandfather was the current Pakhan, and Niko was on his own little rebellion as Kyzer has said it. I'd wanted to play by Nikolai's rules this time, but then Kyzer came up with one of his many plans he only divulged to me at his leisure. This one included Nikolai, and well aware of my brother's manipulative nature I'd initially denied, however, he'd been insistent that he wasn't manipulating Nikolai. I doubted Kyzer was even aware when he shifted towards his deceptive ways. I reckoned it was his way of self-preservation more than anything else, and after everything my brother had been through, the least I could do was stand by him when he needed me. And it wasn't like he needed me for some selfish, virulent plot of world domination, he needed me for the vengeance we'd been after for years.

No one truly knew Kyzer. Even saying that I did was getting ahead of myself. Kyzer might've been my twin, but he was lost to something far more turbulent eight years ago than I was. He liked masquerading as prey, only to lure the monsters he wanted dead. He was like the ocean at night, tempting, mesmerizing, and truly malevolent unless he decided you were more useful alive than dead.

So here I was in a small village, miles away from Moscow, getting drunk as I hid from none other than my husband. I didn't understand what doing this would accomplish since Nikolai had made his hatred for me very clear, but Kyzer was adamant in his thoughts that Nikolai was incandescent. Except unlike most people his rage had festered for eight years, and my brother had wanted to test where Nikolai's priorities lay for reasons that could vary entirely between our safety and Nikolai's usefulness. I was busy drinking all my sorrows away when a loud band on the door of the small cottage I'd rented out shook me to the core. Placing the tumbler on the wooden table, I reached for my gun behind the cushion on the comfy couch I was just lounging on.

Not wanting to raise alarm if it was a local. God knew I didn't need any more of their animosity at the sight of a weapon, I'd already been on the other end of their glares when I first got here a week ago. I hid my pistol in my waistband and approached the door. I'd only just unlatched the clasp to see who it was when a muscled body pushed through the door, a set of fingers around my throat as I was forced to turn around, my cheek pressed against the wooden walls of the cottage. Cold air from outside bit my skin as the embers cracked in the fireplace, the fire surrendering with the cold air. Soon enough the door closed, and the person pressed their nose against my neck. I should've been scared, heck I would've had I not recognized that cologne. I didn't need to see him to know that he was here. Nikolai was here.

"What did I tell you about running from me, little wolf?" He breathed out, his voice filled with relief? No, that couldn't be right, I must be reading too much into this. "Answer. Me."

I couldn't say a word when he was so close to me when the warmth he tried so hard to hold back from me embraced me anyway, and especially when his caresses felt less out of hate and more from a place of a deep-rooted love no betrayal could ever strip away. Closing my eyes, I tried getting air back in my lungs. Well, as much as I could with his fingers pressing against my pulse.

"I didn't run." I somehow manage to breathe out with the alcohol in my system and his touch taking away all of my abilities to think. Before I knew what was happening, I was turned around, my back pressing against the wall as my eyes came in contact with his leaden ones, the intensity of them searing me.

"No, you didn't." He noted, his harm firm at the base of my neck, "You just hid in a place no one knows you. Do you have a death wish?"

"Wouldn't you like that?" His brows furrowed in confusion, or maybe it was my drunk brain playing tricks, but I found myself speaking for good measure, "me, dead."

"Not by anyone else's hand, little wolf." I pushed him off me at that, and surprisingly he stepped back, no longer antagonizing me with his hatred, looking around the place I'd come to see as my sanctuary. His eyes landed on the empty Jameson, a frown I'd always found endearing overtaking his face. I realized he wasn't all that guarded tonight, and I liked the idea of him not holding back, even if it was something as little as his facial expressions.

"You've been drinking. Alone." His gaze snapped to mine and he held me, prisoner, like the Moon held the tide, regardless of the miles between them.

"Careful, Nikolai." I warned, "Or I just might believe you care." I didn't know when I walked towards him and placed my palm flat against his chest, but I did. He hadn't pushed me away even though his fingers snaked around my wrist.

Maybe it was the way he was looking at me like I was fragile, and not like something he wanted to break and watch as it crumpled to the ground, but I asked him the question that'd been killing me for weeks. "Will you ever look at me like you used to?" My voice broke, and I was distantly aware of the tears pooling in my eyes. I hadn't wanted him to seem me vulnerable, but if stripping myself bare was what it'd take for him to see me. I'd do it in a heartbeat.

"Like a man you fooled in love?" The abrasiveness of his words gutted me, but I'd take all of his harsh words. I'd take everything as long as he'd just let me see behind the cold mask he'd put on for the world to see.

"Will you punish me for eight years?" I blinked, feeling wetness trail down my cheeks, but I didn't care. I needed answers to continue living because this? It was nothing. Nikolai's silence was more torture than anything I'd ever imagined. I understood his anger. I deserved it. However, I didn't think any one of us deserved to suffer more because I knew that every time he hurt me, it killed him inside piece by piece as well.

"You can't me ask me that. You're the one who killed me, remember?"

Tasting salt on my lips, I ran my tongue over my lips just as black dots started dancing in my vision, "If we're both dead, what are we doing then?"

Nikolai smiled, though it was more pained than I'd ever seen him, "Haunting each other, little wolf."

"Why?"

"Because I can't let you go, and I can't love you again either." His words were a paradox, filled with the venom that's seeped through our relationship.

"So you want to ruin me?" I whispered, my other hand now tracing his scruff, and for reasons unfathomable to me, he was letting me.

"You already did that." He replied, his voice eerily calm like the sky before the storm as his hand snaked through my hair, his fingers tangling in the locks. "Now, I just want to possess you, so the next time you even think of leaving. It kills you just the same it'll kill me."

I sniffled, burying my face in his chest as I lost my footing, my head swinging a little. Nikolai stiffened, his hold on me tightening as he leaned down to whisper in my ear, his breath causing Goosebumps to rise on my flesh, "It'd be so easy to snap your neck right now," a shiver passed through my spine, not with the subtle threat in his words, but his closeness. His musky scent overtook my senses, reminding me of the home I'd destroyed by my own hands in a wicked game between pride and fate. And then almost like he had to prove a point, he tugged at my hair, pulling my neck back until our eyes locked. My eyelids were getting heavier, but I didn't want to lose a minute of this time he was letting me have. "But for the life of me, I can't do that. I can't remove the only thorn in my side because I love the way it hurts. I'm addicted to how you shred me to pieces with every single touch," His lips brushed against my forehead, surprising me with his reverent touch, but my surprise was short-lived as he lines down and nipped my bottom lip as I gasped, a kaleidoscope of familiar butterflies taking flight inside me. He exhaled, his shoulder sagging, and I just knew that he was warring with himself, but I also knew he wouldn't win.

After all who had ever won the war against the insanity that brewed inside their own head?

Nikolai looked away, his arm wrapping around me as he held me steady. I was lucid, just not enough to walk without stumbling. It wasn't like I was expecting company.

"You need to sleep it off."

"It wasn't my first time drinking." I stubbornly point out as he held the back of my knees, holding me in his arm, bridal style. My eyelashes fluttered in tiredness, but I forced them to stay open, focusing on his stubbled jaw, and his beautiful face. No one should ever be allowed to be that gorgeous. He looked down at me in his arms, and even that didn't stop me from staring shamelessly as I nuzzled into his chest, getting comfortable in his arms. Even if it'd only last a second.

Nikolai placed me on the bed softly, adjusting the pillows behind me, he even went as far as to pull the covers over me, remembering I hated sleeping without them. He was just about to leave when I clasped his hand in mine. "Stay, please." He hesitated, his eyes uncertain, so I added, "you can go back to hating me tomorrow. Just give me this one day, please." He sighed, mumbling something intelligible, and nodded.

"I'll be back in a few." He turned to leave, but I tugged at his hand again, not letting his fingers slip through this time. If all I had was tonight then I'd make the most of it. "I need to lock the door, little wolf," not waiting for me to loosen my hold, he pried my fingers off him and left the room. I knew it was more about preparing him than locking the doors, but I let it slide.

Nikolai came back a few minutes later, and took his coat off, leaving it at the foot of the bed as he sat on the edge, sliding his shoes off. I moved towards the center, allowing him some room as he swung his legs up the bed, bracing his head against the headboard, sitting above the covers.

"Niko," He turned to me, the grey threads in his eyes filled with the warmth I was sure I'd only seen eight years ago, "Hold me, please." I knew I was being greedy, pushing too hard but I couldn't help my longing for him. This time, however, he didn't protest as he joined me beneath the covers, and immediately I wrapped my arm around his torso as I rested my head against his heart, which was indeed beating faster than he would've liked.

We laid in silence, his mere presence had already caused any drowsiness I might've felt to evaporate, leaving awareness behind, and a dull ache between my legs. My fingers moved on his chest, touching his bare chest through the gap between the buttons of his shirt. Nikolai placed his hand on mine, stopping my ministrations and I tilted my neck to face him, his eyes narrowed at me.

"For once in your life don't be greedy, little wolf." His expression darkened, and I turned away, slightly pained at his words, but not because they weren't true. I was voracious in my pursuit for something from him. Anything more than the hatred he gave me.

"I—" My voice seemed to be lost, crackling embers filling the silence between us. I took a deep breath, branding his scent in my memory before I spoke my next words. "I've never been selfish when it was about you..."

"Maybe you should've been." He replied, his arm around me tightening to a near-painful degree, but I didn't mind. I'd take his aggression as long as he didn't shut me out.

"Wh—at?" I stuttered, not understanding what he was implying.

"You ran away, little wolf, and I fought for someone who was never mine. I—" he paused, almost like he was considering his next words, "—was in love with a liar, maybe you should've let me believe the hoax instead of taking it away from me in such a brutal way."

His words ricocheted inside me, an ache I was certain I'd buried deep inside my heart coming to live at the sheer abandon in the syllables he's uttered, and I wished, truly wished, that I was able to take his pain away.

"I'm so sorry, Niko." My apology was sincere. However, I hated myself a little bit more for saying it even if I wasn't to absolve myself of all of my sins. I said it from the bottom of my heart, just so he'd know I regretted my choice, and if I could go back in time, I would tell him the truth, and stay for him.

"Save it, little wolf," he laughed bitterly, and even that deepened the cracks inside my dying heart, "Your regrets do nothing for me, but I do hope they choke you one of these days."

I tilted my neck to meet his steel eyes, a pained smile on my face, "They already do." He stiffened beneath me at my words, but there was nothing he could curse me with that I hadn't brought on myself already.

Nikolai was a secluded castle on top of a cliff, and I'd locked myself out by my own hands. Now there was nothing I could do to will him to let me in, but I did want to know what made him change his name if he never wanted to be publically associated with Chernov Bratva.

"Why did you change your name, Nikolai?"

"You haven't earned the answer to that." He answered, so casually, so callously, and all I could do was witness as he destroyed himself in his endeavor to ruin me.

"Can I ask for something?" I'd like to blame my drunk thoughts for this, but even I knew it was more than that. The one time Nikolai fucked me since we met again, he was fully clothed, and if I couldn't have him bare his soul to me, I could at least try my chance with his naked skin against mine. Nikolai shrugged, staying quiet, "Can you let me love you for just one last night?"

His eyes widened, clearly surprised at my unusual request, but if he was going to hate me tomorrow, I wanted to have memories of our love that at least seemed tangible and not too far out of reach that it was almost a naïve dream. "Not tonight." His stern words broke all of my childish hopes, and tears glassed my vision again. "You're drunk, and I'm not. Sleep, little wolf, you've had your fill of me for the day."

I opened my mouth to ask him if he'd stay, but he beat me to it, "I'm not going anywhere... for now." He tucked my hair behind my ear, and pushed my head back on his chest, right against his heart. "Sleep, and don't make me repeat myself."

And I did close my eyes in his arms, even though I knew it wouldn't last. Nikolai's hatred for what I did was more deep-rooted than his love for me, and just for a little while, I could believe we'd eventually conquer this too. Even if it was better left as a dream. Nikolai and I were too volatile to last now that our lineage was public knowledge, and we had too many enemies to count, but that had never stopped me from chasing stars before, nor would it now. This time I'd be selfish, being selfless had gotten me nowhere except teach me a lesson that I was no hero. This epiphany had now freed me to play dirty to get what I wanted, and I would, even if it'll kill me.

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