Queen

     What? I tilted my head.

"You've simply existed and my entire universe has shifted and built itself around you. My sun is your smile, your eyes are my stars, your tears; my rain, the sound of your laugh creates the very atmosphere that I survive in. I'm sure you get it now but every single thing about the world I live in has been created and curated by you. I could go on about your body and my landscapes, the trees and skies that you breathe life into— am I scaring you yet?"

I blinked a few times before whispering, "Yes."

He nodded. "Good. I could only hope you understand a fraction of it because as exhilarating as it is, it's terrifying. I'm far from a religious man- God didn't create this universe for monsters like me. I am a castaway. So as he is the originator of this one then equally, you are the god of my own."

My lips remained parted, words failing to leave as I took in all of his words. I was loved, I knew this. But there was something unspoken about his love that I never wondered about until now. It was an overwhelming one, maybe even suffocating but I wanted to drown in it for the rest of eternity- not for three more days.

"I'll never be able to fully explain what my world was like before I met you," he said. "All I can say is that it was cold and dark. Everything flowed around me in swirls of whites, grays, and blacks. I couldn't decipher what color anything was much less understand what it meant if I were granted the ability to see it."

I listened, understanding the underlying and literal meaning of his use of the word "color" to describe his emotions or previous lack thereof. I wondered, but I never imagined it to be as ostracizing as he was describing to me now. A world without color.

"I grew content with that," he said. "Then suddenly, you came and my world began bursting at the seams with all these rainbows and shit. You ruined and fixed everything— tore my mind and heart apart before putting me back together. But unlike everyone else, you didn't try to change me. You accepted my pitiful blacks and whites and painted bright-ass yellow sunflowers until I had no choice but to join you. You, Princess,  are the only color in an otherwise truly achromatic world for me."

A tear slipped down my cheek and he wiped it away, the pad of his thumb lingering on my cheek.

"Call me a coward if you need to," he said. "But the truth is, if you are gone, I am simply uninterested in returning to such a dark and empty world. That for me, is death in itself. A grave I've lived most of my life in. So dying...I fear it a loss less than that."

I nodded slowly, completely understanding. I thought I couldn't love him anymore only moments ago but here I was tantalized by his madness. And madness it was. Love would've told us it was best if we remained broken up years ago. What we had was more than that. Something darker and more twisted that only he had been able to put into an explanation thus far.

Something more than love.

I looked at him for a long time before letting out a deflated breath. "How can you tell me all of this and expect me to just let you die, Syn? I need you."

He let out a slow exhale before trying to reason with me. "You may feel that way now—"

"I will feel this way always."

"This isn't the first time, Queen."

"And I barely survived that." I crossed my arms, painful memories making tears prick my eyes.

"But you did. And you will again."

I sniffled, the ache in my chest making it difficult to find the words. Eventually, I did. "So I'm just supposed to stand by and do nothing?"

He ran a hand through his hair, his frustration rolling off of his body in waves. When he finally met my eyes again, I could see the turmoil behind them. "I am sorry. I know what I'm asking of you is a lot—"

"It's more than a lot. You're asking for the fucking world right now." My voice broke, my eyes blurring with tears. "What am I supposed to do without you, Syn? Hm?" I pressed. "My whole universe is so cold and empty when I'm not with you. Now you want me to survive in a world where you no longer exist? How can I do that?" I pushed, taking a few steps toward him. "If you know how fucking tell me and I will try it!"

He shook his head, his eyes becoming weary. "The same way you did before, Queen."

"You died once that day, Syn. I died every single day that year that you were gone—"

"You survived," he insisted, averting his eyes from me. But I didn't miss the pain in them. "It will hurt. But eventually, the pain will fade. Those deaths you speak of will eventually become dull aches-- phantom pains that happen when you think about me." He finally looked at me and I could see his eyes, wet and bloodshot. "You will live forever, Queen. You will continue to live a life that you truly deserve and one day, even if it's a thousand years in the future, I will be a passing memory."

I let out a scoff. "You truly believe that."

"I have to." For himself. He didn't have to say that part out loud but I was too angry to let that idea settle within him. He didn't get to rationalize this.

" I survived because I had to, Syn. But I didn't live for a single day after it." I wiped my cheek and nodded before looking back at him. "A-and things are different than now before. This time, you were cruel."

His face fell. "Cruel?"

"Fucking cruel, Syn— I was gone! Dead. I don't remember where I was, but I think I was fine." I took a step toward him and poked at his chest. "But you decided that you couldn't be the one that stuck around this time."

"Queen—"

'No." I stopped him, shaking my head. "You decided to bring me back and push me into this hell! I will die a million times before I'll even be able to breathe again." I shuddered. "This time is not the same as last time. You have made yourself my fucking oxygen. Everything alive that roams inside me is from you." I sobbed. "It's your literal touch that gives me the fucking energy to scream at you like this."

At that moment, a chill ran through my body and I shivered. Syn stepped forward, reaching a hand out and I stepped back. "Don't," I said, swallowing a breath. "I-I should get used to it, right? Seeing as you won't be here any longer--"

"Don't be like this."

"Like what?" I snapped. "Upset because the man I love finds a way to die every time we're supposed to get married?" I raised my brows and he let out a sigh, defeated. "I promise you there are easier ways to avoid commitment so if that is the reason, by all fucking means." I took the engagement ring off my finger and held it out to him. "Here. Can you somehow find the will to fight for your life now?"

"Put it back on," he told me. His eyes were set on mine, daring me to disobey.

Listening to him when he wouldn't listen to me was the last thing on my bucket list. I was pissed.

"Give me a reason to."

I looked at him for a few moments, waiting for the words. I'll take it back, I'm sorry. I'd even take, --whatever, do what you can. But neither came. Only that same look of defeat he looked at me with earlier when he first told me he'd do nothing.

I sniffed. "Fine. We're done then." I shoved the ring to his chest and he caught it before it could fall. I turned on my heel and stormed out of the restroom, feeling his presence hot behind my heel.

"Queen," I heard him call after me as I bent down and grabbed my purse from the table. Tears blurred my vision but I was hell-bent on getting as far away from him as possible. I couldn't even look at him right now. When I stood back straight, he blocked my path. "I know you're upset, but--"

"I'm not upset. Do what you want."

I heard him scoff and say, "This is 'not upset'?", as I pivoted around him and headed away from the table. I saw Mabel at the counter with our tray of food. Right. I forgot we had a purpose in coming here.

I ignored Syn calling after me as I walked over to her and opened my purse. "I'll be leaving now." I pulled my credit card out of my wallet and held it out to her. "Here you go."

She gave me a look of concern before setting the tray down and wiping her hands on her apron. "Is everything okay?"

"Yes." I forced a smile onto my face but the tears threatening to spill out of my eyes were indication enough that I was full of shit. And she knew it. Thankfully, she didn't ask me to explain. It must've looked obvious enough. We fought.

She reached out to take my card but Syn reached my side and plucked it from my fingers first. "We need to talk," he said, eyes on me before glancing at the card. "This is cute."

There was nothing remarkable about the card so I knew he was just saying that to get under my skin. Cute. Sorry, not all of us had sky high credit limits. Asshole.

I reached back for my card and he lifted his arm away before pulling out his own wallet. When he opened it, he put mine inside and took out his own. "Give me my card, Syn."

"Here." He handed his card to Mabel. "From here on out-- until the end of time-- if she tries to pay with any card that doesn't have my name or last name on it, deny her service. Make a sign or some shit for that."

It should've been a sweet gesture. Under different circumstances, it might've been, but all I heard was him planning for a part of my future he wouldn't be around for anymore. This was the last time he'd be in here. The only piece of him that he insinuated would ever make it in here was that fucking card. As if that truly mattered.

"Would you like me to pack this up for you?" I heard her ask him.

I blinked a few times, her voice snapping me out of my thoughts. I needed to get out of here. I adjusted my bag on my shoulder before heading toward the door.

"It's fine. Give it to someone. Thank you for everything, Mabel. Take care of yourself." I heard him kiss the old woman on her cheek as I walked out of the diner and another tear spilled down my cheek. He was already saying his goodbyes.

I wiped away my tears and took a few steps on the jagged pavement. I heard the bell ring behind me as Syn walked out but I kept my head down and continued walking.

He grabbed my arm, stopping me in my tracks. "Where are you going this late?"

I pulled my arm out of his hold and took a step back. "I need some air."

He sucked in a breath and took a look around before looking down at me. "Then get in the car. I'll let the windows down."

"And some space," I added.

He huffed out a bitter laugh. "You are allowed to sit in the backseat."

I shut my eyes briefly and exhaled. "I can't be around you right now."

"Can't?"

"I don't want to be around you right now."

His face fell a bit, the moonlight casting a shadow that prevented me from seeing his entire expression, but I knew it was a pained one. "Listen." He took a step forward. "You are completely justified in feeling how you're feeling at this moment, but...how can you want to be apart right now?"

He waited for my response, but I didn't answer. I had told him everything I wanted to.

He sighed. "Is it a lot to ask that you ignore your anger until..." he paused, searching for the words. "Please, come home with me. It's late and I don't want you out here alone."

I took a shaky breath and finally found the strength to meet his eyes. "The alone part is what I need to start working on." I licked my lips and held my hand out, trying my hardest not to meet his intense gaze. "I need my card."

"What for?"

"Unless you want me to sleep on the streets tonight, I will need to get a hotel," I said. "I only brought my card."

With his eyes on me, he reached into his pocket and placed the card into my hand. I looked down at it, seeing that it was his and I held it back out for him. "I want mine. Please."

"That one is yours." He tucked his hands into his pockets and looked up at the night sky. I saw his throat work, the vein on the side of his neck pulsing as he blew out a breath and I knew he was barely holding it together. "Use it."

Fine. I knew there was no point in arguing with him and I was exhausted. My fingers grazed his as I took the card.

"Can I at least give you a ride to a hotel?" He looked down at me.

"No thanks," I said. "I can portal, or get a taxi or something."

He fished his hand out of his pocket and held out his keys for me. "Here."

"Syn, I don't need--"

"Do it for me, please," he said. "Just so this won't be an additional reason I can't sleep tonight."

I waited a moment before nodding and accepting the keys. He put his hands into his pockets and pulled out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. He pulled out one cigarette, putting the rest back into his pockets. He flicked the lighter open with a click, the small flame illuminating his handsome face as he put the cigarette between his lips.

Then he looked at me.

"Have you changed your mind?" He lit the cigarette, covering the flame with his hand.

"Hm?"

He sucked. "You're still here." He blew out the smoke, making sure to aim it away from me. "Is it because you've suddenly changed your mind?" He raised a brow at me and I crossed my arms, my brows furrowed.

Why am I still here?

A small smile spread across his lips as he blew out more smoke. "Perhaps you're waiting for a goodnight kiss?"

Yes. I shook my head. "No, it's not that. It's just..." I took a look around, finally realizing just how late it truly was. If I was going to take his car, what did he plan on doing? Not that he needed much in the name of defending himself...

"What?"

"How will you get home?" I held his key up.

He laughed a bit. "If you're that worried about me, you could invite me to where you plan to stay tonight."

I tilted my head up at him and he sighed. "I'll portal, get a taxi...or something. I'll be fine."

Will you?

I swallowed a lump in my throat and nodded. "Get going then." He tucked his free hand into his pocket and continued smoking, kicking a loose pebble on the ground. "I will leave when I see you pull off."

My eyes watered all over again at his words. Leaving was the last thing I wanted him to do. I used the last bit of strength I had left in me to bite back the tears and walk away from him. "Goodnight," I heard him say from behind me and I bit the inside of my cheek to keep from breaking down.

I scurried to the car and once I was inside, my walls completely shattered. I was moments away from losing completely, but I refused to do it in front of Syn. I started the car and put it in reverse. I backed up and when the car started beeping, I slammed on the brakes.

The car lurched forward and I saw Syn take a step forward from the front of the diner. He tilted his head at me, a mix of amusement and concern twirling in his bright eyes.

"Shit," I cursed to myself and held a hand up for him. "Sorry."

I was a little rusty, admittedly.

I sniffled and tried again as a wave of warm frustration passed over my entire body. Whoever the fuck decided to park behind us like this must've wanted me to cry in this damn parking lot. "You can do this." I blew out a slow breath and carefully maneuvered out of the parking spot. When I was free, I pulled out of the parking lot. I could see Syn still in front of the diner through the rearview mirror and I took a deep breath.

I let a few cars pass before pulling onto the road and stepping on the gas. I had no idea where I was going. I simply drove straight, past all the neon-colored buildings and high rises. I turned on the radio and a random song blasted through the car. I wasn't listening but it did help me feel less alone-- less like my entire world was crashing down.

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