Queen

     "I promise." There was a mass in my throat as I spewed out the lie so effortlessly. It wasn't exactly the first lie I told him- I'd been lying from the moment I told him I'd let him do what he needed to, but this one felt the worst.

I kept my composure and held his gaze, barreling on through my deception. If he didn't believe me, he didn't show it.

He leaned his strong forearms onto the table before clasping his hands together. His eyes were on mine for a few brief moments before he looked down at his hands. "Okay." He nodded, still avoiding my eyes and sadness tugged at my chest as I watched him. Being vulnerable still wasn't easy for him even when he believed he had less than twenty-four hours to live.

"I'm terrified, Queen," he said, glancing up at me.

"Of?" I asked lowly. There was plenty to be afraid of, but specifics from him were important.

He shrugged a shoulder and laughed a bit as he sat back. "All of it, I guess." I nodded at his response, hoping he'd continue. "Don't get me wrong; I believe you are worth every sacrifice and I would make the same decision again in a heartbeat. But..." He paused, blinking a few times before clearing his throat. "There are plenty of times in my life where I've thought about dying- more times than I wish to admit or remember. I've contemplated suicide a couple of times and, honestly, if I knew about the artifacts or pills before I met you there's a chance you would've never met me."

My eyes watered at his admission. "Syn."

"All that to say...this is not one of those times." He shook his head before finally meeting my eyes. "I don't want to die, Princess."

There it was. The words I'd been waiting to hear from him. Only thing was that it didn't feel as great as I thought it would. I may have won the battle but the war he started within me with his confession was more painful than anything I'd heard in a long time. The version of him in my dream didn't help me prepare for this in the slightest.

"I want to more than love you for longer." He gave me a smile, his eyes watering. "And I want you to love me longer." I could almost see the dam break within him from my blurry eyes and tears fell down his heartbreakingly beautiful face. "It kills me to know that I will never see you in a wedding dress again or pregnant with my child...or see how excited you get to watch the next episode of that bullshit-ass reality TV show you love. I won't be here to complain when you watch the next episode and that fucking..." He paused.

Knowing my plan for tonight should've created some sort of stability for me, but his words felt like daggers. My lie was clearly to my demise as I wasn't sure I'd be able to survive this conversation.

"I want to raise Saint with you. I want to figure out what happened to our daughter- I want James to know that I don't hate him. There's just so much I want and so little time. It's agonizing knowing that I have one day yet a million things I want to do before I leave this world. I was supposed to be immortal...I didn't plan for this."

For this...

He meant he didn't plan for me. If we had never met, he'd never be here. My dream also made me realize this and I knew if I wasn't successful in keeping him alive, I'd blame myself for the rest of my life.

"Don't do that." He reached across the table and tapped my chin with his finger. "That look," he continued. "Don't blame yourself for this. I'm a man capable of making his own decisions and I decided a very very long time ago that if ever there came a time where I had to choose between the two of us, I'd choose you. Every time.

"There may be a million things I want to do, but...experiencing the chaos that is you was infinitely more rewarding. Aside from wishing I could stay with you forever, I have no regrets when it comes to you." He tilted his head and clicked his tongue. "Well, that's a lie. I wish I wasn't so angry...and fucking stupid so often- there was so much time wasted. A side effect of immortality, I guess, was us thinking that we had time to figure shit out later. I wish I could've fought through the discomfort for all those short moments so I could have more happy memories to leave you with. For that, I will be eternally repentant."

"Then stay and make it up to me," I responded, my voice pleading. "I'll apologize for my part and we can just forget it all and start over."

He smiled at me before raising the sleeve of his shirt. "And just forget about this too?"

I glanced at the emboldened cross on his forearm. It was etched into his skin, a physical symbol of the promise he made with the archangel. "We can figure it out."

He sighed and lowered his sleeve. "I've been lying to you," he said and I looked at him in question. "It hurts...a fucking lot. Whenever I so much as think about turning my back on this deal, my arm feels like it's shattering- and it's been aching this entire conversation. It might be in my head or perhaps some sort of reminder from that dickhead, but it represents everything that I refuse to have you go through."

"But--"

"I won't risk it," he said, leaving no room for argument. "Even if the chance of you dying was less than five percent, I wouldn't do it. I know you don't understand and I'm sorry if you think I'm weak for my decision-"

"I don't think you're weak," I told him. "I hate it, but I'd probably do the same in your position. Even though I know you wouldn't let me."

"What do you mean-"

"Hi, are we ready to order?" The cheery waitress interrupted and I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. She was obviously into Syn and I mean, who wouldn't be? But the fact that it was so transparent irked me. Her intrusion though, as maddening as it was, was a welcome one.

"I need to use the restroom." I stood up from my seat and grabbed my purse, avoiding Syn's questioning eyes. "Where is it?" I asked the woman who was completely ignoring my existence.

"Inside, to the left," she said quickly.

I muttered a thank you before walking past her and not sparing a look back at the two.

I walked into the restroom and shut the door behind me. I took a deep breath and leaned against the door. I shut my eyes and opened them on my exhale. Was I really going to do this shit? It was a smidge insane- no, very insane, but I didn't have a choice.

I opened my purse and pulled out my cell phone. There was only one person who knew what I planned on doing tonight and I needed a little bit of motivation. She picked up within the first couple of rings and relief flooded through me.

"Cleo," I spoke.

"You did it already?" She whispered in shock.

"Not yet. I need you to walk me through this again," I said. "How do we even know it works?" I fished the tube of lip gloss from my purse and eyed it suspiciously.

"I've known him for a long time- he practically taught me every spell I know. He knows what he's doing. That shit is going to work, I'm certain of it."

I thought back to the he she was referring to; a warlock we visited in Java earlier and the reason I didn't realize I was late for the date today. He seemed normal enough, I guess and if Cleo trusted him then I had no choice but to. It wasn't like he knew why we needed such a spell.

We thought long and hard about this and every path we contemplated required Syn to be...well, not so conscious. Knocking him out felt inhumane and I fucking refused to drug him after all he'd been through. So this was the best alternative; the kiss of death.

Death in its name felt unnecessary and daunting when the warlock first told us about it. All it'd do was put him to sleep for a couple of hours. And that was enough time for us to do what we needed to.

"Fuck," I whispered, squeezing my temples. I never thought I'd be capable of something like this, but I felt nothing as I thought about it. Inherently, I knew right from wrong and this was very wrong to do to someone you love. I just couldn't bring myself to feel guilty about it. I tried hard to feel something- anything along those lines but I failed miserably. I didn't know if it was because I technically got his permission or because Charles's soul still lingered in my veins- or because I was flat out of touch with my humanity.

Maybe it was a combination of all three.

But if I was doing it out of love then...could it be that wrong?

"So tell me again," I finally said. "Just put it on and then kiss him?"

"Yes," she said. "But remember he needs to be susceptible to the influence. He already loves you so step one is done, but maybe give him a drink or two? If he's sober he could sense something and try to fight it."

"This sounds so bad," I whispered.

"Queen. Tap in, please. You were so sure of yourself when you came to me with this idea. I'm keeping this from Xavier and Cas because I believe in you. You got this."

I took a deep breath in and exhaled. "Okay," I breathed out and opened the lip gloss. I looked at myself in the mirror and evenly applied it. When I was done, I smacked my lips together a couple of times before gathering myself. "Is everything prepared over there?"

"Yes, everything is good to go."

"Okay, Cleo. Thank you," I said. "That'll be all I need from you right now. I don't want you to have to lie for me. I can handle the rest from here."

"I told you he's family, Queen," she said. "I'll lie for a while if I need to. Just call if you need me."

"Okay, I will." We said our goodbyes and I gave myself one more quick pep talk before walking out of the restroom and to the table.

This was risky and there was a chance Syn would hate me for it, but I'd rather he hate me; alive and breathing than love me in his grave.

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