May 13, 2023

Queen

His hesitancy at my words was riddled all over his face. The crease between his brows as he studied me, and his overpowering gaze waiting for me to show any slight sign of cowering- which wasn't going to happen. With everything going on, we both needed this. We needed a few moments to let go- get lost in each other, and temporarily forget about all the problems around us.

Especially him.

There was no single person in the entire universe that fully knew Syn. I was sure I was one of the only lucky people to get to know a quarter of everything he was inside-out and just with that small percentage of knowledge, I knew he was beating himself up inside more than he deserved.

If our situations were reversed and I had been the one to be in his position, and he in mine, he wouldn't have let me be so hard on myself. Granted, if he were me, he wouldn't have let it get this far. He would've known something was wrong.

I could never be as good at reading people as Syn was, but there was a time when he couldn't understand people at all. If he could come that far to where he was now, there was no reason for me not to be able to. I just needed to take a few pages from his handbook- which contained one single word:

Love.

Multitudes of promises stemmed from that word and he pledged to honor them all with me. He loved me boundlessly. It came without strings- without clauses, stipulations, or exceptions. I could come to him as flawed as life could make me and he'd love me no less than he did at my best. I could hurt him in the most painful and agonizing ways and he'd smile- hiding it away, just so I didn't feel bad about it.

I was certain I could quite literally kill him and he'd wait for me in Hell just to yell at me for a few seconds before kissing me, and telling me how he looked forward to us spending the afterlife together. It was unhealthy- probably beyond toxic, but that was how he loved. And that was how he deserved to be loved, yet every single one of us fell short.

Especially me.

How could I be with him selflessly, if I couldn't love him as dangerously as he loved me?

He let out a breath, his eyes shifting away from mine down to my arm. He shook his head, a forlorn gaze filling his eyes. I followed his eyes to the dark bruise on my arm and sighed. Yesterday was horrible, but it wasn't him.

"Syn-"

"No." He shook his head, his arms dropping from my hips as he tucked his hands into his pockets. "I would never blame you for any pain that I've caused you, but why do you insist on staying in situations that will end up hurting you?"

A cool breeze floated past us, reminding me just how exposed I was and I wrapped my arms around myself. "By situations you mean you?"

"Not just me, but in general. Where is your sense of self-preservation, Queen?" He asked sincerely, running a hand through his hair before throwing a hand up. "I'm giving you an out that has no consequences for you. We've both seen what happens when I'm not in control of myself and you're around. It should scare you because it fucking terrified me."

I let his words wash over me, but that's all it did. I immediately recognized this as one of his many attempts to scare me away.

"My sense of self-preservation is very much intact, thank you," I began. "So intact that it's leading me to the place where I feel safest, which is with you," I admitted, watching his eyes slightly soften. "If you can't stomach the idea of me coming with you because I want to be there for you then make me the selfish one. Tell yourself that I only feel safe with you or that I can't sleep if you're not around- none of those would be a lie. Just do what you have to, but I'm not changing my mind, Syn."

He stayed silent for a moment, his mind slowly taking in my words before he let out a slow breath and clicked his tongue. "You know, this isn't the first time I've seen you standing in front of me like this- covered in bruises caused by me...and given my track record I'm not sure it's the last."

I snickered. "Okay, let's not act like you don't like it," I teased with a small smile, abruptly shifting the feel of the tense atmosphere around us. Surprise and shock replaced his solemn look and my smile grew as I pinched my fingers together and held them up. "Just a little bit."

"Why would you say that shit?"

I dropped my hand. "Oh come on. You've changed a ton from when we first met...but not fully." I took a few steps toward him until the scent of his cologne filled my senses and I smiled again. "You used to love seeing the marks you left...on my body...correct me if I'm wrong."

"That was different," he replied.

"Really?" I raised a brow.

"Entirely."

"How so?"

"I was a different person back then."

I sighed. "It must be very tiring for you." I crossed my arms.

"What?"

"Having to differentiate all these versions of you," I said. "I fell in love with the you I met back then, and the man you've become over the years. You don't have to discard the old you just because everyone seemed happier with who you were after. That's who you were for twenty-six years before you met me, and if that's where you find comfort then be him."

He scoffed. "Is that what you want? For me to become some emotionless asshole again?"

"Hey, I fell in love with that "emotionless asshole" so keep it cute," I shot back, making him let out a small laugh before shaking his head. "And I'm not saying I want you to change, I just want you to be who you are...whoever that is. And if that's an entirely new person I haven't learned yet, that's fine too."

"Okay." He whispered.

"No matter what I-" Before I could finish my sentence, he pressed his soft lips against mine, and pulled my body against his. The string of words that planned to fall out of my mouth fell into him and I only hoped he knew what I planned to say afterward.

"I know," he said, pulling away briefly before giving me one more peck on the lips.

"Unt-unt." I shook my head. "I'm not done with you yet." I gently tugged on the collar of his shirt, catching him off guard before kissing him deeply. I could feel his clothed body rigid against mine. As the seconds passed, he slowly relaxed and his hands found their way back onto my body.

I felt his calloused fingers rub my hips as his tongue moved against mine. The cool air dancing around us was combatted by the warmth from his body and the heat swirling in mine. I could taste the cool auburn whiskey and hint of mint on his tongue. I smiled softly against his lips at the familiarity but took a mental note to lecture him later about drinking.

I took small steps back, him leaning into me each time until we were a mere few inches away from the edge of the dock. I shivered as his fingers teased the laced hem of my panties-as if he were thinking about whether or not to pull them down. Everything in me wanted to scream for him to do so, but I stayed quiet, my fingers digging into his arm for any sort of release. I wanted him, he knew that- his fingers were only a few inches away from being able to tell just how much.

I laid a hand against his chest, letting it slowly trail down the curves of his sculpted abdomen under his shirt. When I reached the top of his pants, I felt his body freeze up once again and he immediately pulled away with a groan.

My body ached from the sudden withdrawal and I licked my lips as I looked at him. "What is it?"

"This isn't a good idea." He ran his hands through his hair. "I want to- trust me, I do. But I can't-"

"Syn, I get it, okay?" I said. "If you really don't want to, I get it. You're going through a lot and if you can't right now, there's no problem. If that's not the reason and it's because you're afraid of what might happen...then I need you to stop. If you can't trust yourself, then just trust me."

"You're infuriating, you know."

I laughed softly, shaking my head before looking at the water. Whatever the female equivalent to blue balls was, he had given it to me. As hot as I was feeling, the lake seemed like a way to douse the flames he had set in me. "I'll meet you at the house in a few minutes."

With that, I dove into the water, letting myself drown in the freezing darkness. The quiet filled my ears, and I relaxed, letting the peace under here comfort my wild mind. Over the months of taking swimming lessons with Saint, I learned to hold my breath for long intervals without having to go up and get air. I didn't know why it was something they taught, but I understood it now.

After a few moments of complete stillness, I felt a harsh movement in the water. An arm wrapped around my waist and hoisted me up, alarming me and making me forget to hold my breath. Water immediately filled my mouth and nose for what felt like an eternity before the cold wind of the forest whipped across my face like claws.

I coughed wildly, rubbing my nose before swatting away the intruder. "What the hell?!" I cursed.

"What the hell is right?" I heard Syn snap back. "What the fuck was that?!"

I rubbed my eyes before opening them to see a fuming Syn staring straight down at me. He held me firmly against him in the water although it looked like he wanted nothing more than to drown me. My eyes fell to his chest and I noticed his dark shirt. I could feel his rough jeans against my bare legs in the water and I looked at him puzzled.

"Why are you wearing clothes?"

꧁꧂

Author's Note
🌚Me behind a tree🌚

Real down bad chile😮‍💨
Anywaysssss hehe, I missed y'all mfs❤️
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