May 13, 2023

Syn

I took a deep breath, pushing away memories of the past and hoping Queen wouldn't bring it up again. I told her I'd tell her everything...and at the time I meant every word, but after letting everything sink in, I may have spoken too soon. She deserved to know everything she wanted- I knew everything about her...but I just didn't see the point in digging up buried bones. And mine were buried deep, I made sure of that. It would destroy me to dig them up let alone divulge everything to her.

Even with all the shit that was happening right now, I didn't feel like I was completely at rock bottom. She still loved me and as long as that was the case, rock bottom was a long downhill slop away. Knowing the things that had happened to me...knowing the things I had done as a result...that would change things. She already knew I was the villain in most stories, I wasn't interested in seeing her realize I was a monster too, not yet.

Not when I felt like shit and would be too weak to defend my side of the story.

I felt like shit these past few days. When Queen left I could barely get out of bed and the pills were the only thing keeping my head above the water. I was the best version of myself and I was sure everyone would've agreed if they didn't know that the drugs were the reason. Now, I had Queen which meant everything to me, but I was physically dying inside. Every atom in my body was screaming in pain for me to get some needed relief. I tried coffee, getting more sleep, and running...but nothing helped.

I was a tense bag of shit with continuous headaches and muscle pains. If I let myself relax for even a moment I would break out into a sweat and start shaking like a fucking maniac. I didn't want to scare Queen away or give anyone here a reason to think I couldn't handle it so I used every single atom of control residing in my body to remain absolutely still.

The door to the closet slid open and I weakly looked up to see Queen step out. She had ditched the oversized shirt she was wearing for a pair of light blue skinny jeans and a tight fitted grey top. I watched her as she tied her dark hair up, my pain temporarily subsiding as I got lost in her beauty.

Noticing my stare, she smiled and walked toward where I was sitting on her bed. "Let's go downstairs?" She held a hand out, wiggling her fingers. I took her soft hand into mine, placing a kiss on it before standing up.

A painful ache flooded my chest as I join and I took a deep breath in an attempt to cover a wince. I let out a slow breath hoping Queen wouldn't notice but when I looked down at her, her eyes were on me. "Is something wrong?"

I shook my head. "No, I'm okay."

"You sure?"

"If there is something wrong, you'll be the first person I tell," I said.

"Okay," she smiled sincerely. She kissed my knuckle before laying a kiss on my jaw and a wave of heat rushed down my body. I almost scoffed at myself. As sick and out of it as my body was, it still reacted to her. No matter how much control I exhibited over myself, it seemed to succumb to her touch.

She pulled my hand, walking ahead toward the stairs and I closed my eyes momentarily as a pounding headache ensued from the chatter and the potential chaos that was about to happen. I didn't know why her family gave me so many chances. If I were them I'd never let Queen see me again quite frankly. That said a lot- probably more about myself than anything.

The descent down the steps felt like an eternity and as we got closer, the louder their voices seemed. I opened my eyes when we reached the bottom of the steps and I keenly took note of the sudden silence.

"Hey, guys," Queen said, standing by my side as everyone turned to us. Cain and Iris sat together, Saint asleep in Cain's arms and Queen's father was standing a few feet to my right. His face was stoic, and his hands were buried in the pocket of his slacks. Looking at the four of them, I noticed the few people missing and let out a relieved breath. Cas, Cleo, and Xavier were here waiting downstairs, no doubt waiting to make sure Queen was okay, but I was grateful they left before we came down.

Their faces would only be reminders of what happened yesterday. I didn't want to think about the way they looked at me, how terrified they were when they took Queen from my arms. It was all deserved and I was fine with letting them go off on me for all the shit I had done, but not right now.

As far as I was concerned, everything could wait. Even Hell could wait. The burning passion I had for my home had dwindled to a small flame and was placed on the back burner right now. My greatest focus right now had to be making sure my family was okay. And I could only do that after I was okay.

I was a risk to them right now.

Queen didn't seem to care about the ramifications that came with being near me right now, and although I didn't like it, I couldn't deter her. Everyone else, however, I wanted to keep a safe distance from, especially Saint. I wasn't sure how much he could remember, or if his mind processed events how they were truly happening...but I'd put on the best face I could for him. I didn't want him to have a single memory of me being as weak as I was right now.

"Where are Xoe and Abel?" Queen asked.

"Abel took her home," Adam said. "I figured you didn't want her questioning anything." Queen nodded, her demeanor changing at his words. I know she hated lying and I couldn't imagine how difficult it was for her to keep up this facade. With my thumb, I rubbed her hand and she glanced up at me, taking an encouraging breath before turning back to everyone.

We took the next half an hour explaining our plan for the foreseeable future- Queen speaking more than I was. I could tell Cain was still pissed with me- understandably, and I was sure he didn't agree with Queen leaving with me, but he didn't say anything about it. As angry as he was, I could tell he still cared. Whether that was because he actually liked me or because he didn't want Queen to lose me, I didn't know.

Iris, unlike him, was silently supportive. She smiled anytime Queen and I looked at each other and nodded in agreement to our plans. I hadn't known her long but she was possibly one of Queen's friends that I didn't see any looming problem with. She seemed to only care about what was best for Queen, and even though I had completely fucked up, I could feel that she thought that that was me.

I only hoped that I could measure up to the standards that she and Cain- and even Adam had for me. I had a sinking feeling that my bucket of chances was quickly running out with them.

"Just take care of yourselves," Adam said, looking at the both of us sternly. "And take care of my daughter, Syn. Or so help me I will-"

"I will," I promised. "I know I need to redeem myself, with all of you..." I glanced at Queen. "But I'll do whatever it takes. I'm sorry we had to be here in the first place, because of me."

Cain scoffed. "All I'm going to fucking say is that you're lucky you're a good friend. One of the only things keeping my trust and faith in you is knowing that if any one of us were in the same position, you'd drop everything to help us," he said. "But that doesn't mean I won't kill you with one of my guns if my sister gets hurt again."

"Don't say that," Queen spoke up. I squeezed her hand to ease her worries. I knew she was never keen on Cain continuing to create the weapons. Her biggest fear was a repeat of what happened all those years ago so I could sense why his threat hit deeper than it should have. "What?" She looked at me. "It's not funny," she muttered.

"It's okay," I said softly.

She shook her head, giving me a disapproving stare before gently letting go of my hand. "May I have my baby, please?" Queen walked over to Cain and he gently placed Saint into her arms. A small smile fell on my lips as he stirred in his sleep and Queen gently rocked him in her arms. She peppered his face with small kisses as he woke up and my chest caved in. More than anything I wanted to hold him and give him a proper goodbye, but I didn't want to hurt him. I could hardly control myself standing here.

"Beautiful, isn't she?"

I looked to my side to see Adam looking at Queen and I looked back at her. "She is."

"I do a good job," he said confidently. I scoffed, shaking my head and he sighed, placing a hand on my shoulder a bit rougher than I appreciated, but I remained silent. "Look at them."

I was. Queen was laughing her eyes slightly watering as she looked down at Saint. He giggled, his hands getting caught in the tendrils of hair slipping from her ponytail. "That right there," Adam spoke, "is all that matters, Syn. They need you...your daughter needs you." I was caught off guard by the mention of Xavia and looked at him.

"My daughter?" I asked him.

He looked away from me, back at Queen and Saint, and sighed. "I haven't said anything because I didn't want to give you guys false hope, but I believe hope is what you may need right now. Even if it's not for certain."

"Please don't speak in riddles where my daughter is concerned," I pleaded in a lower tone.

"It's not riddles," he said lowly. "I am as lost as I sound." He sighed. "You have to remember I spent quite a bit of time with Xavia in Queen's mind. When she died, I felt myself become untethered from her. Almost like a limb of mine was being torn," he said. "It was only until I went back to Heaven that the pain was gone...and soon enough I found her up there."

"What are you trying to say, Adam?"

"I don't feel that pain," he said. "It's almost as if..."

"She's still alive?" I whispered.

"Either that or she just completely vanished from existence," he said. "But as I told you, I could be completely wrong. But if there's a chance I'm not..."

I swallowed a painful breath. My head pounding with the possibility of her being somewhere. "...if there's a chance you're not..."

"Then you need to heal and be the strongest you've ever been. I can't help this nagging feeling that if she is somewhere, you and Queen will need to be at your absolute best to get her back."

My head spun at his revelation and I almost let myself press him for how long he's had this feeling, but I held back. If I had known earlier I would have done something- I would've searched, but how far could I get when I was relying on pills to keep me up? They were draining my power- slowly killing me.

"With that being said, Syn, I urge you to look at them once again," he said. I slowly looked back at Queen with Saint, and she smiled at me. She lifted Saint's hand to wave at me and Saint giggled loudly- the small laughter echoing through my head. "I know your mind and body are telling you what it thinks it needs, but that's all a distraction. What you truly need is your family, and they all need you. They deserve you at your best- they need you at your best."

"I know," I admitted.

"Then do it."

"Just like that?"

"What other choice do you have?"

꧁꧂

Author's Notes
Now thats what I mf call a motivational speech!!

What do you guys think about what Adam said?👀
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