May 13, 2023

Queen

"I just need you here."

"Say something, Princess," he whispered. "Anything. I'd rather you tell me to get lost than for you to say nothing."

I swallowed a lump in my throat and looked down at my hands, eyeing the dried blood on my fingertips. Memories of yesterday flashed through my mind and my eyes watered.

I wasn't angry at Syn. I forgave him long before he apologized, but that didn't erase the pain he caused me. He hurt me of all people, accident or not. What if it hadn't been me that walked into the restroom? What if it had been Saint?

I knew if I said it out loud, Syn would be shocked, swearing up and down that he'd never hurt our child...but he promised me he'd never hurt me either. And he did, again. The drugs weren't a factor when he did it the first time, he truly had a problem; his temper. In the past, he'd blow up over the smallest things and now with the drugs, he was half an inch away from losing his shit 24/7.

I could forgive him for hurting me in his current state, but if Saint were to ever become victim to any of it, I didn't know what I'd do. Well, I knew what I'd have to do, but there was no point in breaking my own heart over things that never happened.

"I am sorry," he said softly, lowering his forehead to mine and closing his eyes. I began to relax in his hold until I remembered the seriousness of what was going on. This couldn't be like those times in the past when I let his touch cloud my judgement...no matter how badly I wanted it.

With that, I tore myself away from his touch and took a step back. I ran a hand through my hair before crossing my arms and blowing out a breath. A pained look crossed his face as I moved away, but it was gone as quickly as it came. "How do I know that you're still not using, Syn? Or that you won't again?"

"I'm not on anything right now," he said. "As for knowing that I won't do it again...you don't know. Fuck, I'm not sure that I even know." My heart sank and I looked away from his as he took a step toward me. He ran a hand through his hair in frustration, taking a step toward me. "Every single bone and instinct in my body right now wants to leave this room and get the pills, Queen. That's the truth. I feel like shit and right now it feels like that's the only thing that will help, but I'm standing here fighting it for you and Saint.

"I'm this fucking close to falling apart, but I'm here. I can stand here and promise you with one hundred percent certainty that I know, I'll never use it again...but I don't have the energy to lie to you anymore. I don't know shit, that's the truth and it's fucking terrifying. I'm so scared that I-...I..."

"That what?"

"That one day I'll snap out of some daze and realize that I did irreversible damage to you...or Saint. That single thought is one of the only threads keeping me from giving in," he admitted. "I'm tired of hurting you. But standing here right now...as I am. I can't promise that it'll never happen again. I hardly recognize myself these days; I'm not sure what I'm capable of when I'm not in control of myself."

A tear fell down my cheek and I wiped it quickly before glancing at him. "Why are you telling me this? Aren't you trying to get me to stay?"

"Would you rather I lied?"

No. Well, the lie would be more comforting to hear than the daggers of truth he was sending my way. He was confirming every worry I was thinking about when I needed him to assure me that I had nothing to worry about. I had no experience dealing with anyone with drug addiction. This was new to me. All I knew was that I loved him no matter what. I was prepared to dive head-first into whatever we needed to do...but something- rather, someone, was stopping me.

"No," I finally answered. "No lies."

"No lies." He nodded subtly.

I took a deep breath, letting my heart decide what to do for me. It was what led me to him and it had never steered me wrong before...I just needed to trust it.

I looked at him and rubbed my hands together. "I'm not going anywhere..." I began, carefully raising a brow as I noticed the tension leaving his broad shoulders. "Under one condition, Syn."

"What is the condition?"

"Saint," I said. "I don't want him having anything to do with this. You and I will stay in New York...and he will stay with my dad."

"How long?"

"Until you're better, Syn. This isn't something I can budge on. You and I both know you're a great father, but can you really guarantee right now that you wouldn't put him at risk?" I asked him. He closed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose and I stepped toward him, placing my palm against his chest. "He'll be okay if we're both okay...and that isn't right now. Saint deserves the best, and he can't get that if we're not mentally there..."

"You keep saying we when the problem is me."

"How am I supposed to be okay if you're not?" I reminded him. "We're in this together, no?"

He placed his hand over mine and let out a deep breath. "I don't want to hold you back, Queen. I can return to the palace and you can stay here with Saint. I'll figure it-"

"No." I shook my head. "You're not going anywhere."

He raised a surprised brow, a small smile playing on his lips. "Is that so?"

"So it is." He looked at me silently, his smile slowly faltering and I frowned. "Is something wrong?" Without answering, he took my hand off of his chest and placed it on his back before pulling me into his firm chest. His strong arms wrapped around me tightly as he nuzzled his head into my hair and I relaxed into his scent.

This, despite everything that had happened and what was to come, was where I belonged; in his arms. I let myself go in his hold, letting the anxiety of what we would do go. No matter what happened next, as long as he held me here, we'd be okay.

"I have a question," he said. I gently pulled back and looked up at him curiously. "We're giving Saint to your father for the time being...but will he give him back when the time comes that I'm no longer...afflicted?"

I smiled softly at his nervous wording and sighed. "My father wouldn't do that," I said. "But speaking of fathers who would..."

"Don't." He winced.

"You should speak to him."

"Absolutely not." He shook his head. "We're trying to get me to not use drugs, remember? I don't plan on speaking to any of them ever again."

"Even James?"

At the mention of his name, Syn's face completely fell and he returned to his usual guarded self, looking beyond me. It was only for a fleeting moment though. He closed his eyes and when he opened them, he was back with me and shook his head.

"He chose whom he wanted as a parent, and after all the fighting I had done...it just wasn't me. There's nothing I can do about that."

"He's a child, Syn. He probably chose who gave him more waffles," I said. "But you'll never know why if you don't reach out..."

"There is no good enough reason why. I wish him the absolute best though with the parents that are in his life."

"Don't say that." I frowned. "They didn't do too bad with you..."

Syn scoffed, shaking his head before averting his eyes. "They couldn't do badly because they didn't do anything."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Exactly what it sounds like," he said bitterly. "My father left me with my mother until I was old enough to be of use to him...and my mother was too young and naive to know what to do with a child besides copy how her own mother raised her; which was to let her husband decide what to do here and there and let the servants fill in the rest."

"Her husband..." I repeated. "Meaning Julius?"

"Yes," he said through gritted teeth, staring past me as I'm sure memories floated through his guarded mind. I didn't want to push. I didn't expect him to even tell me what he had already. Given everything that was going on, I wanted him to do everything within his own time. And if that was never, I'd have to deal with it. "I wasn't scared of anything back then, I didn't know how to be. But Julius was the first person to give me an inkling...of what fear truly was."

My gut ached and I felt bile rise in my throat. I never liked the man, and I knew Syn didn't...but Syn didn't like anyone. I just thought Julius received the brunt of it because he looked at him wrong or some other minuscule reason. But looking at the pain and anger in Syn's eyes, I knew then that there was more to the story.

I waited for him to continue, but instead, he stood up straight and shook his head. "Sorry, I didn't mean to begin ranting-"

"I don't mind." I wanted to tell him that I wanted him to tell me, but I didn't want to seem too eager to know about how disturbing his childhood was. Besides, I was sure if I asked him to tell me right now, he would think he had no choice and I didn't want that. If it was meant to happen in his own timing, it would.

"Soon," he said. "For now I'd rather spare you the details. All I will say, however, is that my stepfather had a temper and no one truly set it off as my mother did. The difference was that my mother had my father to protect her whereas I had no one. And if he couldn't hurt my mother...he'd go to the next best thing...

...which was me."

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Author's Note
Julius picked the wrong one f#xking w me and MY MAN. I'll drag him by that white musty weave😤

And Gen...Lucifer....come on y'all🥹 Say it ain't so.

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