May 10, 2023

Queen

I cleared my throat and took cautious steps toward him. When I was about a foot away, I clasped my hands together in front of me and raised my brows. "What's up? What's going on?"

"That was Hades...on the phone."

"I heard."

He nodded, looking me up and down before meeting my eye once again. I dreaded the next coming moments, missing the carefree Syn from five minutes ago. "He stayed at the condo with Stella and me...but he was out late and just got home."

"Okay...did he have fun?"

"He found Stella dead in her room," he said to me. "From what he can tell, it was an overdose...but something is leading him to suspect that there was some foul play."

"Oh no..." I whispered, trying my best to sound like I genuinely cared about the news. "Poor thing. Rest In Peace to her, amen."

"Right." He nodded slowly. "Except, Stella was very careful with mixing alcohol and drugs...at least when it came to herself. And she knew better than to take so much Capxica at once."

"Well." I shrugged. "You never know. Maybe she was unhappy."

"Good point."

"We should start packing for—"

"But the thing about Stella," he started again, making me fight the urge to roll my eyes. "...she loved herself way too much to ever just kill herself. I'm almost starting to think that Hades may be on to something."

"Okay, well." I crossed my arms. "She was your girlfriend. You can investigate and avenge her killer or whatever the fuck. I don't care." I waved my hand in the air, feeling a tinge of jealousy and irritation that he cared so much about a girl that was harming him so deeply in ways I doubt he knew.

"Why are you getting upset?"

"I'm not upset," I said. "I didn't know the girl nor did I like her. I'm sorry that I don't care that she's no longer around like you do."

"That's not what I care about."

"Whatever, Syn." I shook my head.

"I just..." he sighed. "I'm just thinking about it...and it would really take a monster to do what was done to Stella. I don't even think I would've been able to do such a thing to someone."

"Oh, so you kill people every other day but no...an overdose is where the line is drawn." I laughed bitterly.

"It's just so...wicked." He shivered. "I'm getting goosebumps just thinking about it."

My heart sank at his words and I looked at him blankly. How could he say that when he kept people alive to torture them forever? I may have been impulsive with Stella but at least I made it quick. It was a lot more than she deserved after what she did.

"Don't you think you're being a little dramatic?" I asked. "Whether or not it was an accident, she's dead. Who cares?"

He held a hand over his chest and frowned. "I care. She was one of the best people I knew."

"Syn, I will fuck you up. Stop playing with me—"

"Why did you do it?" He asked.

I gave him a confused look, tilting my head. "What ever are you referring to?"

"Stella," he said. "I know you had something to do with it, I'm just asking why."

"What makes you think I had anything to do with it?" I asked. "Did you not just tell Hades you had no idea what happened? That makes the two of us because..." I blew out a breath and placed my hands on my hips. "...I'm just confused, more than anyone, I'm sure. What took place tonight...it's despicable. When you find out what really happened, I'd like to be the first to know so I can take matters into my own hands because...How. Dare. They?"

There we go, Queen!

I looked at Syn, proud of myself for standing my ground and not giving in. I didn't even know I could act like that.

Syn let out a snicker and immediately placed a hand over his mouth as he looked at me. "W-what's funny?"

His shoulders shook as he laughed and he shook his head. "I just love you so much. You're a fucking mess."

"I don't find that very nice."

"You don't find that very nice," he mocked before crossing his arms again, a small smile glued to his face. "You speak very proper when you're lying, and you use a lot of big words to overcompensate for the bullshit coming out of your mouth. Despicable," he repeated. "You never say that shit."

"It's good to expand your vocabulary, Syn. I always say words are the palette of the mind."

"Oh, give me a fucking break." He smiled, rolling his eyes at me. "You were gone for hours and when I asked you for an explanation, you told me you went to go get ice cream."

"I did," I emphasized clearly. "You saw me with ice cream."

"So did you get it before or after you did it?"

"Syn—"

"Queen," he warned. "I'm being very calm right now, but my patience is wearing very thin. I don't give a shit what you did, but I do care that you're lying straight to my face about it. It's amusing to watch you think you have a one-up on me, but it's starting to hurt to know that you don't trust me enough to tell me the truth."

"I do trust you." I sighed, my shoulders slumping as I looked down at the ground. I felt his fingers move to my chin and he guided my face back up to look at him.

"Then tell me what happened."

"Okay," I let out an exasperated breath. "I killed her."

"I know that, Princess." He dropped his arm. "I'm asking you why."

"I umm..." I paused, looking around and thinking about the next words to say. I couldn't tell him the real reason, could I? Syn was at his most vulnerable right now. How would he react if I told him about the recording Stella had? I let that question run free in my mind, but I knew the answer. All the walls he had just let down would go immediately back up and we'd be back to square one. "It's because—"

"I know the next thing out of your mouth right now is going to be a lie," he said, raising a brow. "So pause, recalibrate, and try again." His teasing tone and lingering smile made my heartache. If I told the truth, it would all be stripped away within a second. When he noticed my silence and the look on my face, his smile slowly dropped. "You can tell me, Queen. What is it? It's just me."

"Umm, after you and Saint left, I was in bed. Your phone was going off like crazy and I picked it up and saw Stella texting you."

"And you put the phone back down and silenced it, right?"

"In hindsight, that would've been a good option...but I was curious what she wanted from you so late."

"So you..."

"So I unlocked your phone and checked the messages." I grimaced.

He rubbed his temples and sighed. "Continue."

"She was just sending a lot of stuff and I lost it. I pretended to be you and asked her to meet up at the condo. One thing led to another and..." I shrugged. "I just...snapped."

"You snapped?" He asked. "I've never seen that from you, Queen. You've always been the more stable one between us. What could she have possibly done to you to ignite such a response?"

"It's not what she did to me," I said lowly, wringing my fingers together.

"What do you mean?"

Syn

I looked at her strangely as her eyes watered. I didn't understand what could be so bad to make her this afraid to tell me what was going on. Her killing Stella didn't do much to my psyche if I were being honest. If anything, I was more worried about how this affected her. Queen wasn't normally the type to act like...well, me. I found it hard to believe she ever hurt anyone, but the reality was, she had.

But she wasn't like me no matter what she did. Her reasons were always more emotional whereas I did a lot of things for my own entertainment.

She wiped her eyes, taking a shaky breath before reaching into my hand for my cell phone. I let her take it and crossed my arms as I watched her tap on the screen. After a few moments, she held it out to me and I saw a video paused on the screen. I looked at her in confusion before taking it in my hands and pressing play.

When I did, I saw myself on the screen and Stella's lipstick all over my body. I leaned off of the counter and walked out of the restroom, not wanting Queen to see it, but I guess it didn't matter much. She had already watched it. I just didn't want her to watch me watch it.

I sat down on my bed, my eyes glued to the phone as I tried to wrack my mind for the memory of this night. When I came up blank, I was left to sit and watch something I had no recollection of happening. The worst part of it was that I hardly recognized myself in it. I was barely awake and high out of my mind.

I watched as Stella's hands moved to my pants and bile along with anger rose in my throat at the sight. I sat still, my phone in my hand as the video continued. My body began feeling more and more numb as I watched and I felt disgusted not only with Stella but with myself.

I could see her smeared red lipstick all over my neck and chest and I became nauseous. I was completely clean where I sat, but I felt fucking gross. How could Queen have watched this and still wanted to lay a hand on me? I wanted to rip off the skin on every single place I saw her bloody kiss stains.

It was one thing that I had fucked her in the past, but this was different. I didn't remember any of this. It made me wonder how many times I had been so high that she did this and I never knew. It made me feel the weakest I had ever felt in my life.

I let her do that to me while I did nothing.

When the video ended, my phone fell from my hands and clattered to the floor. I was angry, but there were emotions that I was feeling that I couldn't possibly put a name on. It brought me back to the days when I felt nothing, but it was the opposite now. I was in such overload that I couldn't process a single thing. My mind wouldn't let me focus long enough to pick a feeling and go with it.

My head ached and I dropped my head into my hands as I recognized the familiar crashing feeling. I hadn't taken any Capxica since yesterday and I had hardly thought about it. Until now. I didn't want to feel how I was feeling. My body craved that numbness that the drug brought me, but I couldn't have it. Not anymore.

I was hot, every part of my body wanted to burst into flames and I stood up. I tried pushing away images from the video, but they ran through my mind like a bulldozer, knocking down any good thoughts I tried to replace them with. I just needed a release.

I needed to hit something, anything.

Within seconds, items around me were sent crashing down to the floor. Everything within my reach was being kicked, punched, or broken. I didn't think about anything as my impulse took over and I let my rage consume me.

All I saw was red.

I didn't know how long I was in that state of mind, but it immediately stopped when I heard her soft voice. "Syn...stop." My eyes immediately snapped in her direction as she brought life back into the madness going on in my mind and I let out a ragged breath. I glanced around the room, looking at the destruction I had just caused in a few moments before looking back and seeing her standing right in the middle of it.

She didn't pay a single glance to the things around us as she navigated through the glass on the floor to make it to me. I took a step away from her, feeling revolted by myself and not wanting her to lay a hand on me. She deserved better than that...

Better than me.

"Listen," she said. "You can't push me away right now, okay? I don't ever talk about it, but I know how you're feeling right now. The loss of control...the hating yourself...I've been there, Syn. You know that. I should have come to you when it all happened, but I didn't," she cried. "I'm begging you not to make the same mistake I did...

...It's me, Syn. It's okay to feel whatever you're feeling."

꧁꧂

Author's Note

💔 what's everyone feeling💔

Lmk your thoughts✨

See you in a few days. 😖