May 11, 2023

Syn

I paced the room in a mix of fear and absolute anger. When I came back to the room, I expected Queen to be there but instead, I found all the secrets I had been keeping lying on a table in front of me and her nowhere to be seen. She left me again. And she had every right to but I was pissed.

I would've rather she yelled at me and give me the worst of her anger than leave without so much as a word. She was somewhere this late out on her own without any security. It was like she got off on wanting to scare me to death. The worse part of it was that I couldn't find my fucking phone anywhere so calling anyone was off the table.

I ran a frustrated hand through my hair, contemplating doing a location spell to find her when a portal being formed into the wall across me began to take shape. I immediately walked toward it, crossing my arms and when Queen walked out of it, she screamed when she saw me.

"Don't fucking do that!" She yelled. "That's terrifying."

"Where were you?"

"Out." She stepped past me, licking an ice cream cone in her hand. "I needed some air."

"If you need air, open a fucking window. Don't just disappear on me! Do you know how worried I was about you?!"

"I know now," she said with a sigh. "Look, I'm sorry, okay? I just needed to get out of here for a little. I should've told you but it's not exactly like I can call you. I don't have a phone, remember?"

"What happened to you wanting us to come back early so we can spend some of his birthday together?" I asked, irritation flowing through every pore of my body. My muscles ached with the anger I was holding back and my eyes searched hers for a logical explanation, but there was nothing. "It's fucking two in the morning, Queen. Don't stand here and tell me you were getting goddamn ice cream for all these hours! Where were you?!"

"I told you where I was," she said. "If you don't believe me then just tell me that."

I let out a frustrated breath and ran a hand down my face. "I can't do this shit with you right now."

"Shouldn't I be the one that's upset, Syn?" She asked, looking toward the Bible and bottle of pills sitting at the table. My heart dropped at the sight of them and she looked up at me, waiting for a response. "I found the gun in the book...and I saw the pills in Saint's bag. I just wanted to ask if you knew who they belonged to, but it can wait. Why the hell do you have the gun that killed you in your possession?"

"Just in case..."

"Just in case what?"

"I don't know, Queen." I shrugged. "I'd rather it be here than somewhere where someone else can take it."

"That's a fucking great reason," she said. "Too bad it's bullshit, Syn. Do you know how easy it would be for you to destroy it? All you have to do is throw it into Hell's pit and never worry about it again, you know that. Yet you haven't done it. So I'll ask again. Why, Syn?"

I looked away from her and shook my head. No matter the answer I gave her, I was sure she wouldn't be satisfied. When I found the gun, the first thing I wanted to do was get rid of it but there was a small voice in my head urging me to hold on to it.

Just in case.

"The only people that this weapon holds a true threat against are your father and me. So who was the last bullet in it for?" She asked.

"You think I'd kill you?"

"Then it's for Lucifer. Are you still that angry at him than you want to take his life?"

I scoffed, walking toward my bed and sitting down. "You think that low of me?"

"Who else could it be for? Tell me anything at this point," she said, looking down at me. I averted my eyes from her and let out a deep sigh. "Oh...?"

I looked back up at her. "What?" Her eyes suddenly watered and she let out a bitter laugh as she held back her tears. I stood up immediately and walked toward her, still being pissed at everything that happened tonight yet not wanting to see her cry. "What's wrong?"

I tried to reach out for her, but she took a step away from me and wrapped her arms around herself. "It's for you, isn't it?" She asked, leaving me frozen in my spot. "The gun," she continued. "If the last bullet wasn't meant for me or your father, that only leaves you."

I sighed. "I'm not going to kill myself if that's what you're worried about."

"But you have it...just in case you ever wanted to, right?" When I didn't answer, she let out a huff of disbelief and walked around me to the restroom, slamming the door shut behind her. I closed my eyes, images of the pained expression on her face flashing through my mind. She was right, there was a time when I thought about just ending it all, but I couldn't do it. Not when Saint still needed me.

If I were honest with myself, could've disposed of it after that realization, but I didn't. There used to be an odd comfort in knowing that if there came a day where I couldn't live any longer, I could just...not. I was in a dark place when I had those thoughts, but I was doing a lot better now. Especially when having my family back with me was only one grasp away.

I couldn't lose it now over stupid thoughts I had when I was high out of my mind.

I walked toward the door of the restroom and placed my hand over the doorknob, fully expecting it to be locked. When it twisted and the door opened, I let out a relieved sigh and stepped inside. As soon as I did, Queen looked at me. I opened my mouth, preparing to say whatever it was that she needed to hear to make everything better, but instead, she wrapped her arms around me and cried.

"Why didn't you tell me?" She sobbed. "I would've come back, Syn."

"It was a long time ago, okay?" I said. "Besides, I wouldn't have wanted you to back to me just because you were worried. You wouldn't have been happy."

"I'm sorry," she said.

"Sorry for what? You have nothing to be sorry for."

"Everything." She wiped her tears. "I should have come back sooner."

"Princess, I'm fine," I assured her. I hated the fact that she was insinuating that she was to blame for the dumb shit I did in her absence.

"Are you?" She asked.

"Yes."

She shook her head slowly and pulled away from my hold. "You can tell me the truth, Syn. I'm not going anywhere."

"I am telling you the truth, Queen. I'm okay."

She nodded slowly. "Do you remember that night where we were talking and got interrupted by Cain calling us about Aiden?"

I nodded hesitantly, not knowing exactly where she was going with this. "Yes..."

"You were going to tell me something," she said. "I remember you being so afraid of how I'd react...do you remember that?"

My blood ran cold as I finally realized what she was talking about. I hated that I remembered everything from that night so vividly. I was going to tell her about the drugs, but I changed my mind. I knew that if she knew the full truth, she'd never want to see me again. She'd take Saint away with her. I just knew.

But standing here, cornered with no way out but the truth, shame, and fear filled my gut. This was going to be the moment where I lost everything that mattered to me...

again.

"I know you're scared, okay?" She said. "You'll never admit it, but I know. There aren't many things in the world that you're afraid of, but I know one of them is losing me. I'm scared to lose you too." She wiped her nose with her sleeve. "I know that in the past I've always left you to fight your own demons along with mine, but it's not like that anymore. I'm not like that anymore. If you let me, I'll stay, Syn. I won't ever leave again, but I need you to let me in. Completely. Whatever it is, we'll figure it out together."

"Okay," I whispered. I so desperately with everything in me wanted to believe that she was telling me the truth, but a small part of me was doubtful. I wanted to lie. But with the way she was looking at me...I couldn't do it anymore. It would only be hurting the both of us. I needed to tell her the truth.

If in that process she decided she no longer wanted anything to do with me, I'd let her go.

I didn't expect it to be this hard to tell her. With every step I took out of the restroom and toward the table with the pills on them, my mind fought me, throwing reasons as to why this was a bad idea. But I decided to ignore it and listen to something else for once.

My heart.

And it was standing right in front of me just begging for something within my realm of possibility. I could do this.

For her.

Author's Note
Damn...y'all are prolly expecting me to have a phone call interrupt it all, huh?👀...maybe I will😈👩🏾‍💻

Do you guys think he will tell her? Or does she already know...👀 IF SHE DOES THO, why is she acting like she doesn't?💀
So many questions😫

Lmk your thiughts✨