May 8, 2023

Syn

I laid on my back and took a deep breath as I stared up at the ceiling. The crackling fireplace dimly lit the room, creating shadows from the objects around me. My mind ran rampant making shapes out of nothing and each breath I took became more painful than the last as I got more lost in my fucked up head.

I was used to this though. Sleep would become easier after the pills but the journey there would never be an easy one. The only thing that made it bearable was being able to hear Saint sleeping soundly in the room above mine. As long as he was okay, I didn't care much about what I dreamt about. All I knew was that no matter what memories surfaced in my dreams, they would never become a reality for him.

When I thought about him more, it made me wonder about my own parents. Being as in control of myself as I was, it scared even me to wonder what I'd do to the person who even dared to lay a hand on Saint. I'd watch the world burn with me in it before I let him get hurt in any way. From the moment I met him, I knew that, and he wasn't even my blood.

With Xavia...with James...it was the same. There was a parental instinct there that overpowered any and everything in me. It was hard to imagine being without it so it made me think about the two people in my life who should've loved me like that.

My parents.

There was always a distance between my father and me. I didn't know if that was because I wasn't emotionally reachable or because he preferred it that way. Any feelings he had towards me as his son were completely unknown to me until we were at death's door. My mother, however, was an enigma I'd never figure out. When I was a child, I ran to her for everything. It wasn't until I became an adult that I began to see she wasn't exactly perfect, and it wasn't until I saw how Queen was with Xavia and Saint that I knew my mother was truly never a mother.

She didn't want me. Anyone back then that was close enough could see it in her eyes. Sure, she learned to love me over the years as much as she could...but that wasn't enough. Especially considering she abandoned me at every chance she could. First, with Julius...then for Felix...and now, my father and James- who they practically ripped from my custody.

You signed the papers...

"Shit," I cursed myself. That to this day remained one of my biggest regrets. I should've fought more and if I wasn't so weak at that moment, I would've done it. But I can't help thinking that I would've lost a lot more if I did.

After I came back, I didn't know what I expected. I was unfair to almost everyone. For me, moments passed and I was back with the people I loved but they spent years without me. Instead of trying to assume my place back in their lives, I should've taken things slower- reintroduce myself in a way. I wondered what would have changed if I had...

Would I still be here in this bed like I was now?

I rolled my eyes and laid an arm over my head eyes. My mind was being clouded with all my past regrets but I knew there was truly no point in letting myself rehash the past. I didn't have a fucking time machine.

A knock at my door snapped me out of my thoughts and I pinched the bridge of my nose, slowly sitting up. "Come in." I groaned as I ran my hands through my hair tiredly.

The door cracked open and Queen peeked her head inside. "Are you up?" I tilted my head at her and raised a brow as she gave me a shy smile. "Sorry."

"What's going on?"

"Well," she started as she walked into the room, "I got a message from that Drake guy." She waved her phone in the air, nervously keeping a distance between us as she stayed close to the door.

"You gave him your number?" I questioned flatly, making her roll her eyes at my tone.

"No, that's the point. I didn't give him shit." She walked toward me and held out her phone. "The first time I met him was last night. Nobody but my close friends have my personal number."

I took the phone from her hands letting my eyes linger on her for a moment as she wrapped her arms around herself. Her eyes moved to mine as she caught me staring and she shook her head slightly and looked away from me.

A small smile spread across my lips as I looked back down at her phone and turned it on. When the screen asked me for a password, I glanced at her. "What's the password?"

"Oh, umm- here." She held out her hand. "I'll put it in."

Oh?

"You won't just tell me?" I raised my brows in surprise.

"I-" She laughed, letting out a small snort before putting a hand over her mouth.

"What's so funny?"

"Syn, you literally stalked me for weeks," she said. "I can't give my stalker access to my privacy like this. Who knows what you'll do with this?" Her teasing tone made me roll my eyes and she laughed softly.

"It wasn't stalking," I said.

"Oh, right," she whispered sarcastically before biting her bottom lip. "But if I did it to you it would be considered stalking, correct?"

"No," I answered. "It would be considered endearing."

"I can't stand you."

"What?" I teased. "It would be a pleasure to be watched by you, Queen."

"I'm sure it would be." She nodded, her voice momentarily dropping an octave and making my blood rush. I didn't anticipate her being so close and not being able to have her to be so difficult. Especially when every single thing she did drove me crazy. I watched in a daze as her lips moved and her eyes traveled around the room. Her eyes floated around the room, briefly landing on mine a few times as she spoke. I used to find her lack of being able to hold eye contact with me irritating, but that quickly changed. It was a sign that I still had some sort of effect over her even if she would never admit it. I'd take some over nothing any day.

"Syn!" She snapped her fingers in my face.

"Yes?"

"You weren't listening to me at all, were you?"

"Of course I was."

"Then what did I say?" She frowned.

"Okay, I wasn't listening."

"What a great way to show someone you still care about them." She said in a deflated tone as she crossed her arms. "You could at least pretend to be interested."

"I am interested. I just got distracted, I'm sorry." She nodded, still not fully giving in. "I'm listening now."

"I'm just thinking...what if someone close to me gave him my number?" She asked. My mind had already put that piece together, but I remained quiet. I liked seeing the way her mind worked. "...I mean, maybe it was innocent and they didn't know who he was, but who else could have done it? Cain, Abel, and Iris know better...but- I don't know." She rubbed her temples. "I can't go through this whole rethinking the people close to me again. I've been trying so hard not to let in the wrong people, but it just feels like I always end up back in this position of questioning my intuition and the people closest to me. And ugh! It always happens when I have the most to lose, I-"

"Queen," I said, interrupting her rant before she started talking badly about herself and she looked at me in embarrassment.

"I'm sorry," she said. "I woke you up in the middle of the night and now I'm ranting."

"I don't mind the rant," I said. "What I do mind is the self-deprecation. Sure, you have a habit of trusting the wrong people at times...but I can't fault you for it. Not when it's the reason I was able to get close to you in the first place."

A sad smile reached her eyes but it quickly faded away as she cleared her throat. "Umm. You should take a look at the messages...just in case I missed something."

I placed her phone into her hand and she typed a few keys before passing it back to me. She directed me toward the ominous messages she received from Drake and my blood boiled as I read them. He was a fucking sicko playing games with the people that mattered to me and if I saw him anytime soon, I wouldn't be able to promise any sort of peace. I wanted to kill the bastard.

"I'll take care of this," I said through gritted teeth as I tore my eyes away from the messages. "Don't worry."

"I can't not worry, Syn. Not when he's the reason why we had to come to this place. This isn't just something you need to take care of. He threatened our son. You can't keep me in the dark- not about this."

"What are you suggesting?"

"Let me help," she said. "Two heads are better than one, right?"

"I appreciate the offer," I said, placing her phone into my pocket. "But I, with all due respect...can't accept that. Drake is dangerous and I can't do everything I need to do if I'm worrying about you..."

"But-"

"I'm not going to argue about this with you. I don't need your help. This is between me, him, and Hell."

"You're acting like I'm not heavily associated with at least two of those things you mentioned."

"Are you?"

"What?"

"Are you truly associated with me or Hell?" I asked. "You haven't been home in over a year. In that time, I've handled more than you could ever imagine...without anyone. This dulls in comparison to-"

"Why is everything so black and white for you?" She asked me, throwing her hands up in the air. "Hasn't it crossed your mind that the reason you're so alone now is that you think you can do everything by yourself? Everybody needs help, Syn."

"Not me," I said sternly. "I prefer things this way, and it's not going to change. Ever."

She nodded slowly before sighing and heading to the door. I ran a hand down my face in frustration, but when I heard her clear her throat, I looked back at her.

"You know...if you keep going this way, even our connection to Saint won't be enough to keep us in each other's lives."

She left before I could say anything else but her words lingered in my head and spread throughout my thoughts like a cancer. All of these years, I'd been the one to save her. To protect her from everything including myself when the need arose. That was how things were. I never let myself imagine our roles changing.

Thinking about it made me feel nothing but dread.

We may have been fucked up, but we had a balance and it worked. So why was that changing now?

꧁꧂

Author's Note

AHHHHH!!!! I'm freaking screaming right now‼️it's so nice to be back here with y'all😭 I might just cry tbh. But omg heyyy...welcome back my loves!
I hope y'all enjoyed our first chapter back.
Let's mf get into it😤

Right out the jump, who's side are you taking in this argument?? They both made valid points, but who do you agree with?

Lmk your thoughts ❤️