May 7, 2023

Syn

"Are we almost there?" Queen asked me again for the third time in the past fifteen minutes. I rolled my eyes, glancing at her through the rearview mirror before looking back at the dark road.

"We would've been there if we had taken the jet like I insisted," I said.

"Yeah," she whispered. "But his poor baby ears." She followed that with some other intelligible words and earned a giggle from Saint who was sitting in his car seat behind me.

"He's going to experience it at some point," I reminded her.

"But not today, Satan," she said, holding up a finger to me. She burst into laughter at my expression through the mirror and I shook my head. "What? I've always wanted to say that and it's ironic because...you know, you're the devil now and—"

"I got it," I said. "How many of those candies have you eaten back there?"

"Mind your business," she said, sticking another piece of candy in her mouth as she squinted at me.

I chuckled, shaking my head as I turned on the music and focused on driving again. Since Queen had insisted on driving, we'd have to do it for four and a half hours to reach our destination. A trip that could've been forty-five minutes was extended because of "Saint's ears".

I personally wasn't a fan of planes or any machine in the sky, but would I deal with it for an hour to skip driving for five hours?

Fuck yeah.

My phone rang from the cup holder beside me and I glanced at it, already knowing who it was. Stella, for the tenth damn time since I had left my place. After I told Queen to pack, I went back to the condo to get a few of my things. Stella was still partying as per usual, and I would've joined under different situations, but I just wanted to leave and be with my son and Queen. Even if it was just for one week.

When I tried to pack my things, she pestered me with every single reason in the book why I should stay, and now she wouldn't stop calling me. I declined the call, setting the phone down before relaxing into the seat.

I was thankful for the almost empty roads as I drove. I didn't have the patience to deal with New York traffic, but luckily for us, it was three a.m...I could hear Saint and Queen occasionally yawning as the time passed, but I was fully awake. Not of my own volition of course, but I couldn't sleep when that shit was in my system. It was a good thing and a bad thing.

"Are you sure you don't want me to drive?" Queen asked, a yawn leaving her mouth at the end.

"I'm sure," I reassured her. "Go to sleep. I'll wake you up when we're there."

"Are you sure?" She asked sincerely. "You won't be lonely?"

"I'll be fine. Sleep."

She rested back, doing as I said and I smiled inwardly before turning up the music. After hours of driving, I could feel my head begin to throb as signs started to blur. I could feel the jitters start to surface and I tried my best to hold them back, but it was useless. My body was going towards a steep decline and there was nothing I could do about it.

Air. You need air.

I rolled down the window beside me, taking deep breaths as the cool air hitting my skin only seemed to snatch the air from my lungs. I closed my eyes momentarily, trying to get a grip over myself, but when I heard the honking of a train in front of me, I immediately hit the breaks.

My body lurched forward as I looked at the passing train in shock and noticed just how close we were. Three more feet forward, and we would've been pummeled. My entire life was in the car with me and they would've just...

My mouth dropped as slow breaths left my mouth at the realization of what could've just happened. I could hear Saint crying in the backseat, woken up by the harsh movement of the car and Queen trying her best to calm him as I stayed in a paralytic state.

"Syn, did you fall asleep?!" She asked in shock as she looked at the passing train. "What happened?"

"I umm..." I swallowed a lump in my throat. "I need a...second."

"Syn—"

I rushed out of the car, running my hands over my face as my breathing became shallow. I walked to the back of the car, trying to take calming breaths but suddenly my stomach turned into knots and I hunched over, emptying the contents of my stomach onto the dirt road.

"What's going on?" I heard the car door close and Queen's footsteps near me. When she noticed what had happened, she rushed to my side and bent down to look at my face. "What the hell, Syn."

My breath was shaky as my watery eyes moved to hers, seeing a blurred vision of her until I blinked away the tears. "I almost crashed," I whispered, still not understanding how I had lost control so easily.

"I saw," she glanced towards the train tracks. "I shouldn't have gone to sleep, but we're okay. Saint is fine, okay?"

I took another deep inhale of breath, this time catching the faint smell of blood and I looked up at Queen. "You're hurt."

"What?" She asked, perplexed by what I pointed out. She must've suddenly realized because her hand moved to her head and when she brought it back down, it was stained with her crimson blood. She winced, looking at her reflection in the dark mirror of the car, and my gut twisted. "I hit my head when the car stopped," she said. "My dumbass wasn't wearing a seat belt, but it'll heal in a little bit."

She looked back at me, and when I didn't reply, she laid a hand on my shoulder. "I'm okay. I promise. I'm more worried about you. Why'd you throw up?"

"I don't know," I admitted lowly, standing up straight.

"I'll drive," she said. "We're not that far, right?" I nodded and she rubbed my cheek. "Do you need help into the car?"

"No," I said quietly, not being able to meet her eye as I moved away from her touch. "Can you just open the trunk? I need to get water."

She dropped her hand to her side, nodding at me. "Okay."

She walked around me to the driver's seat, and a second later I heard the trunk click open. I lifted it open weakly, the bitter aftertaste of my throw-up still lingering in my mouth and I pulled up the gym bag I put my clothes into. I unzipped the side pocket, pulling out the small bottle of pills I had brought with me.

I poured the red capsules into my hand and looked at them for a moment. The events of the past couple of minutes repeated in my head as I stared at them and realized they were to blame. Because of these, I could've seriously injured the people I loved most...

I wanted to throw them into the darkness and drive away...to only have the memory of tonight in my mind whenever I thought about taking it. In my heart, that's what I wanted. I didn't want to fuck up so badly again and have Queen find out all of the twisted shit I'd been doing. She'd leave, taking Saint and I'd be left with nothing. In my heart of hearts I knew that...

But another part of me told me I needed them. Without them, I was the man that hurt people close to me. The damage I had done when I was one hundred percent sober was far worse than anything I had done on Capxica. With this, I was someone people wanted to be around. I didn't have to be myself. For a few moments, no matter how brief, I could create my own reality and forget about the things that haunted me.

I couldn't give that up.

I told myself that tonight was purely a miscalculation on my part. I should've taken another pill so that I wouldn't have lost it tonight. Something like this would never happen again because I'd be more careful— more meticulous. I always took one at a time, but maybe I needed to take two now. Had I been doing the drug long enough that the effects had been reduced on me?

Maybe...

That was an easy fix though. I just needed to up the intake a little bit.

I poured the pills back into the container, leaving two in my hand before putting them back into the bag. I grabbed a water bottle from the bag beside me and quickly downed it with the two pills, being careful to not let Queen see anything.

When I was done, my breathing calmed and I was back to my relaxed state. "Okay," I whispered to myself. I put everything away, closing the trunk and heading towards the backseat where Queen sat with Saint earlier.

I closed the door behind me and slid over to where he lay in his car seat. He held his hand to his mouth, his eyes on me as I got closer. I reached out for his hand, but he moved away from me. "Saint," I said lowly, trying to reach for him again and he began crying an ear-splitting cry that made Queen look away from the mirror and snap her attention to the backseat.

"What happened?" She asked.

"I-I don't even know," I said. "I tried to reach for him and he just started crying..."

"Here," Queen said, reaching for him. "We can start driving when he's asleep again." I carried him out of his seat, my heart breaking at his sudden resistance and I passed him to Queen. "Hey, baba. What's wrong?" Queen said in a small voice as she held him.

Almost instantly, his crying ceased and was replaced with light giggles, making my heart shatter even further. It wasn't that he didn't want to be touched...it was that he didn't want me to be the one doing it.

That was new...

...and it hurt like a motherfucker.

꧁꧂

Author's Note
Okay, this one kinda fucking hurt...!??

When we thought a near-death experience would open his eyes but instead...😤 As we can see Syn had a huge emotional battle with himself outside of the car, but ultimately...the drugs won. It doesn't mean he loves anyone any less😔...he's just seriously spiraling.

BUT,
everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Some of y'all hate him and I respect your opinion even if it is ILLOGICAL, UNFAIR, and HEARTLESS😊 jkjk but no seriously some of y'all are done w him and I get it but pls😭 don't spam my DMS about it‼️ The story will unfold how it's supposed to, whether good or bad.

Anyways tho, what's going on w Saint...
Y'all lmk your thoughts on everything ✨