August 18, 2021

Two Years Ago

Syn

"You left your phone in the car," I said to her, holding it in front of me and hoping she would somehow confess.

She took it from my hand with a frown on her face and sighed as she turned it on. "We're going to talk about your attitude in a second, Syn."

I leaned against the table and watched her look at her phone when a strange look appeared on her face. My chest caved in at what she could've been looking at- what I knew she was looking at, but when she found my eyes on her, she cleared her throat and put it away.

"You good?" I asked.

"I'm good. Are you?"

"I'm perfect."

"Great," she said slowly as she looked around awkwardly. "I need to go shower, I have a meeting to go to." She walked towards the restroom and I followed behind her.

"This late?" I questioned.

"It's barely six, Syn," she laughed.

"Where are you going?" I asked.

"I just said a meeting, Syn."

"With who?"

"People," she said as she walked into the restroom. "Why are you asking so many questions?"

"Why are you being so secretive?"

"I'm not." She began removing her clothes and I pinched the bridge of my nose in frustration.

I didn't know what I expected her to do, but I didn't think she'd lie to me. I thought I'd have a cool head through this entire thing, but she was breaking me. Every one of her lies, her hesitation to answer my questions...it all pointed to the one undeniable fact.

She's cheating on me.

I promised myself that I'd leave her if she went through with this, but why did it seem so hard? I looked at her as she undressed and wondered at one point I lost her.

Did she meet the man after I died? Has she been with him all this time? Was it during the month I left? Is that the real reason why she suddenly didn't want to marry me when I got back?

She had said yes to my proposal before I left for Heaven, but when I got back her mind was suddenly changed. Was it because of him?

I didn't have any of the answers I was asking myself but I wasn't sure if I even wanted them. This could possibly be one of the last times I saw her if this was true. In the past, I would've fought tooth and nail to make sure she didn't leave, but I knew better now. I wasn't going to fight for someone that would betray me this way.

I watched as she got into the shower and I rubbed my chin in thought. If she was going to be with another man, I'd make sure she was thinking about me the entire time whether it was good or bad. I wanted to cause her as much pain as she was causing me right now.

My head spun as the buzz from the alcohol I had drunk before she came home resurfaced. Thoughts of what she could've been doing with this other guy floated through my mind until it was the only thing I was thinking about. I drank more than I should've in the past hour, but it was the only thing keeping me from soaking in the fact that my relationship was irrecoverably broken.

For a moment, I wanted to be able to leave her the way she was able to do to me whenever I fucked up, but I couldn't find it in myself to do it just yet. Instead, here I was watching her act like I was a fucking idiot.

As the seconds passed and her singing in the shower filled my ears, my anger began to rise. So much so that before I knew it, my body sprung into action and I joined her in the shower.

My hand wrapped around her throat gently as I struggled with my inner demons that wanted to take over and help me feel anything other than this. She looked up at me in surprise and I looked into her brown eyes that I— not even a day ago loved more than anything. If I was honest with myself I still did...but I didn't want to. Not now when it was all a lie.

"I hope tonight is worth it."

"What?" She asked in an aloof tone as her smile dimmed slightly. She wouldn't admit it but she knew exactly what I was talking about. As I looked at her, my anger became impalpable. A heartbeat I knew I didn't have rung throughout my ears—it may have been hers, but my body felt hot. Anything beyond us at this moment no longer existed.

All of the moments and things we had been through together seemed to dissipate into thin air and all I could see was her betrayal. Within moments, something in me snapped and all I saw was red.

I could hear her mumbled words as our lips made contact, but I didn't listen to anything. I couldn't feel anything until I heard the words I vowed to never make her say.

"You hurt me."

As if snapping back into my own body, everything came into focus and I realized what I had done. Tears were streaming down her face as she held a hand over her bloody neck. A hurt expression was etched onto her face as she looked at me, sobbing. My own heart broke even further at the sight and before I knew it, tears were burning my cheeks as they fell.

"You hurt me too."

Our pain, no matter how it was measured at the moment would never be comparable.

...What are you doing, Syn?

Her eyes searched my face and with her free arm, she reached out to touch me. Her touch that I used to crave only brought me disgust with a slight burning at the contact. "Don't fucking touch me!" I snapped, pushing her arm away.

The next moments happened faster than even I could have anticipated. At my hand...she fell to the floor and I heard a small scream from her.

Shit.

I looked down at her, my body urging me to help her and make sure she was okay, but I couldn't move. A fear in her eyes that wasn't there before was now trained up at me. Her blood continued dripping down her neck and images of people I've hurt or killed flashed through my mind.

I had just hurt her...

Like she was one of them.

And now she saw me for what I really was.

That thought alone struck fear in my heart and turned me into the one thing I despised:

A coward.

A coward that didn't bother helping her for fear that she'd turn me away. A damn coward that left her in there as I walked away and drowned out the sound of her cries.

Present

"Don't do that," Queen said, snapping me out of my thoughts and making me look back down at her. Her arms were crossed as she had a concerned look on her features and I raised a brow.

"What?"

"You're going back there, aren't you?" I sighed, despising her ability to still read me so well. "Stop thinking about it."

"I can't help it sometimes," I admitted as I looked into her eyes. I hated that even for those few moments that I doubted how much I loved those.

"Well...help it." She frowned, laying a hand on the wall to help herself stand up. She kicked aside her heels and let out an irritated breath as she ducked below the stream of water to look down at me. "I don't think about it so you shouldn't either."

"Never?" I asked her in disbelief as I looked up at her.

"Never," she said. "It's in the past and I've forgiven you so why bring it up?"

"Wouldn't talking about it help us move forward?"

"Move forward? How is talking about past shit supposed to help us now?" She replied, the irritation in her voice becoming more evident.

"That's what I say when you prod into my past..." I pointed out. "Why is it any different now?"

She paused at my question and I raised a brow. Of course, it would make her rethink things considering she wasn't expecting it. She was always certain that she had completely opened up to me so I should do the same in turn, but that wasn't the case.

"They're not the same," she said. "What happened to you in your past to make you who you are has nothing to do with what happened to us."

"It has everything to do with us."

"Weren't you drunk like five minutes ago?"

If I wasn't drunk I probably wouldn't have been saying any of this. If anything, this was liquid courage because I was certain if I was sober all I'd want to do is have sex with her. There would be no me trying to make her talk to me.

Instead, I'd do everything to avoid talking.

"Why are you trying to change the subject?"

"We can talk about anything, okay?" She said, taking a deep breath. "Just not that."

"Okay, fine." I moved to stand up, but as soon as I did, the alcohol in my system made my head spin. I leaned against the wall for support and closed my eyes as I took deep breaths. I knew at any moment know that I was going to crash. It had been hours since I had any Capxica and this conversation was sobering me up quicker than I wanted.

If I crashed right now, I knew Queen would come down with me and that couldn't happen. I didn't need her to see that. If I hurt her again there was no way she'd ever come back.

"You need to leave," I said lowly, sensing the jitters in my body begin to surface as my body heated. "I'll get a new phone and I'll come to pick up Saint tomorrow."

"You're kicking me out?" She asked. "Like this?"

I opened my eyes and watched as she gestured to her soaked clothing and body. Her white shirt under the denim clung to her curves so much so that I could make out the bright pink bra hugging her breasts. Directly under it, I saw my name still tattooed across her rib cage and I swallowed a lump in my throat.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" She crossed her arms. Her resistance to my state only seemed to be a front because I could hear her heart race and I detected the slight adjustment in her legs as she clenched her thighs together.

Regardless of how badly we both seemed to want one another, it couldn't happen. Not when my body was craving its next fix the way that it was. I took a deep breath and leaned off of the wall. "You can continue showering. I'll get you something to wear," I said faster than intended as she looked up at me with a look she shouldn't have been.

Not now, Princess.

Out of the both of us, she needed to be the one that didn't want it because if she tried something, there would be no way I could say no.

With me leaving her in the shower, it'd be a good chance for me to do what I needed to do. Seeing how desperate I was acting internally made me want to kick my ass, but I couldn't help it.

I turned to leave the shower as quickly as possible, but as soon as her hand landed on my arm, I knew we were both in big trouble. "Wait," she said.

Fuck. I closed my eyes and tensed, waiting for her to continue. If she didn't speed it up, any second now she'd see a full-blown episode of my crash and that was something only Stella had seen. She herself knew that it got ugly. That was the only time her clingy behavior would cease and she'd go as far as to hide from me at times.

"Queen, please..."

"Please what?"

I felt a pain in my jaw as my fangs extended and my head throbbed as a rush of heat coursed through my body. There was no more waiting for her to shower. She needed to go and it needed to happen now. "Leave," I growled harsher than intended as I looked at her.

"I will." She nodded, a gulp in her throat sounding in my ears. Her hand moved to my face and she looked into my eyes. "After this."

Her eyes moved to my lips and within the same instant, her soft lips landed on mine. Her kiss was sensual and slow, gently persuading me to give in. Slowly but surely I did, but not before she pulled away and licked her lips. "Sorry, I just
...needed to do that." I took a step closer to her and she took one back, hitting the wall as she looked up at me. "What?"

"You can't do that."

"Y-you don't want me kissing you anymore?"

"I want more than that," I said in a hoarse voice. I knew I should've been trying to get away from her, but as I said, I wouldn't turn her away if she tried something.

She bit her lip. "More?"

"More," I repeated. "But I won't be fucking you until you're one hundred percent mine again. The next time I'm in you, I want it to be because I'm the last person who'll ever be there."

I didn't want to say it out loud, but I couldn't stand being with Stella in any way than coming to her. It wasn't even solely Stella. I couldn't fuck her then have the heart to go to someone else. It took me long enough to be able to even have sex again after she left.

"Oh."

"I'm going to kiss you though," I said. "All night and day...

...if you let me."

꧁꧂

Author's Note
Omggggg this may be too soon but I have to say it or I'm gonna cry😭I'm going to hell
😮‍💨*Stella seeing the untouched glass of alcohol she made for Syn*😮‍💨

Currently mf crying but it's laughter I promise😭
Anyway, this chapter was a little bit loaded. We got to see what happened in the past, and I'm sure we all remember it💔 but this time it's from Syn's POV. I'm still pissed that he did it but DAMN.

First thing's first, I'm kinda mad at Queen. Like ik u don't wanna talk abt it but Syn NEVER talks😭 let the man open up PLSSS. And before y'all start, I know I'm the writer but let me LIVE😤 the story writes itself.

But like...why do y'all think Queen won't talk about it? Do you understand her for that or what? I wonder what would've happened if they did talk though...maybe it could've made Syn more susceptive to opening up...👀 I guess we'll never know tho🤷🏾‍♀️

Lmk what y'all think✨❤️