May 3, 2023

Syn

Keep driving, I told myself...I took a deep breath as my eyes zeroed in on the empty road. My knuckles went white at the grip of my hand on the steering wheel but my hold on it was the only thing keeping me from turning the car back around.

A few months after Queen left— when I had close tabs on her and still knew where she was...I had seen her on the media with the guy. Luxury dinners, pictures of them walking together and laughing were posted on gossip magazines and the internet. Just available for anyone to look at.

Which I did.

Along with a lot of research. Even if she wasn't with him, I wanted to know who was around my son. I had almost an entire year to get used to the fact that she was beginning to see people and I took on hobbies that let me release the pent-up frustration from seeing her move on. Less than legal activities obviously, but it was better than coming to Earth and just killing the guy.

All my preparation and numbness to her rendezvous was useless tonight. I was fine when I saw him there. Perhaps a little bit peeved, but I wasn't going insane. What truly drove me over the edge was seeing Queen stand in front of him...against me. Like she would fight me to protect him.

Anger was a goddamn understatement to how I felt when I saw that. I wanted to snuff the light out of his existence and fuck the memory of him out of Queen's mind.

The only thing that held me together was the fact that I wanted better for her— to be better for her. It was especially difficult considering old habits died hard and I was about to crash.

My skin heated, jitters beginning to roll through my body like waves. I rolled down the window and let the cool air fill the room before I let out a long breath. This was always the worst part; when it was fading away. I'd be on top of the world, being able to manage whatever was going on but when it wore off I'd feel like utter shit.

That was one thing about drugs.

They were temporary, but the feelings and pain you'd try to avoid would always be there in the end. And right now they were here, pushing me to return to the very monster that I was trying so hard to keep away from Queen and Saint.

I drove into the parking garage of the condo and rushed out of the car, my head feeling faint as I locked the door and sped to the elevator. As doors opened, I walked in and pushed the button to my floor, and tapped my foot impatiently as it slowly ascended.

After what felt like a century, they dinged open and I stepped into the open foyer.

"Where were you?" Hades asked, his legs crossed as he read a book by the fireplace.

"Don't worry about it," I muttered as I headed towards the kitchen. I flipped on the light and grabbed a couple of bottles of water before crossing the living room to head up the stairs.

"I hope you didn't go and—"

"I said don't worry about it, Hades."

"You went to go see her, didn't you?" I paused on the steps at his words and slowly turned around. How did he— "You're very predictable when she comes in the picture. I had an inkling we came here for her so I called her when you still hadn't come back and she said you just left."

"Hades," I started with a sigh. "...and I mean this in the most respectful way, okay?" He set down his book and looked at me. "Fuck off. What I do is none of your concern and I advise you back off the next time you get the urge to play parent with me. You know I don't even talk to my own."

"It's not playing parent. I'm asking as a worried friend, Syn." He stood up, walking around the couch to come closer to me. "When Queen left, you were a fucking mess. You barely ate, you stopped talking to your friends and family- hell you didn't even take care of the Underworld let alone yourself!"

"How is any of that relevant right now?" I questioned, crossing my arms and glaring down at him. "Have I not been doing everything I'm supposed to?"

He scoffed. "Not because you're automatically healed."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Are we going to talk about the drugs, Syn?"

"Drop it," I warned through gritted teeth.

"Look at you, man. You're fucking shaking over that shit!" He yelled, gesturing at me. "Capxica is not a fucking joke, Syn. If Queen knew that you were on it she'd take Saint away and you'd never—"

I fisted his collar, knocking him back against the wall and ignoring the small table tipping over and sending shattered glass to the floor. I had never risen a hand to him or threatened him before— I even considered him closer to a friend than most people in my life, but right now was the wrong moment to patronize me.

"Under no circumstances are you to ever hold my son against me, do you understand?" I hissed. "I've already lost everything and I'm so damn close to losing my mind." I took a shaky breath. "You don't want to see me sober, Hades. This is who I am now and I am handling it the best way I know how. Don't fucking shame me for trying to survive."

I removed my grip on him, letting him slouch back as he steadied himself and he gave me a defeated expression. I wanted to apologize— I knew I was better than losing control like I just did, but I was tired. Tired of pretending that I was completely fine. At least with him, I didn't have to act like I was becoming a better man.

"Is everything okay down here?" Stella asked, looking down at us from the top of the staircase. She tied her short red robe shut as she walked down to us and I ran a hand through my hair.

"Everything is fine," I mumbled, more so trying to assure myself than her. I walked past her, rushing up the stairs to be alone.

"Are you okay?" I heard her ask Hades.

"I'm fine," he said. "I'm going out. I'll be back in the morning."

I walked through the corridor and straight into my room. I closed the door behind me with my free hand and set the waters down on the table before walking to the restroom. I winced as the bright fluorescent light filled the area and rubbed my eyes. I headed to the sink and began washing my face as it'd somehow make me look less crappy.

Obviously, I'd be the first person to admit I wasn't proud of all the decisions I made this past year. I spent time with people I shouldn't have and took endless pills for the sake of feeling anything but what I was feeling.

What was I supposed to do?

When I stayed home and didn't do anything but sleep and pee everyone wanted me out of bed. They wanted me to be strong, handle shit— take care of business; do this and do that— you name it. They wanted me to be a different person than who I was ready to be, but when I took the initiative to speed up the process...someone had an issue.

I was ashamed of how deep I got into it, but this is where we were now and there was no way out. I wasn't even sure I wanted one. Life was more bearable this way.

I stood up, grabbing a towel to wipe my face when I felt arms snake around my waist. Being surprised that I hadn't heard anyone, I immediately turned around and saw Stella looking up at me. "Hey."

"What do you want?"

"I'm just checking on you." She smiled. "Can't a girl care?"

"Not with the shit you pulled this morning," I scoffed, moving her away from me and leaving the restroom.

"What? I thought you'd want her to stay longer, Syn." She followed behind me.

"You and I both know that you didn't do that for me."

She sighed and crossed her arms. "I just wanted to see if you were as cold with her as you were with me."

"And?"

"And I didn't like what I saw," she admitted. I lifted my shirt over my head and walked into the closet as she rambled on. "We may be doing this for the media or whatever, but I like you...a little." She bit her lip nervously, fiddling with her fingers. "Say something?"

"What would you like me to say?"

"Say that you'll try to truly get over her?" She asked, taking a step towards me. "She left, Syn. I've been here for the past year through everything, dark times and all. Don't you think that warrants a little bit of effort on your part?"

"I didn't ask you to stay, Stella," I said seriously.

"But I did." And that's my fault? "Come on, what can she give you that I can't?"

"Don't ask me questions you know can't handle the answers to."

"Try me," she pleaded.

"Okay." I clicked my tongue. "Everything."

"What?"

"She gives me everything," I answered truthfully. "If I tried to answer that question specifically we'd be here all night."

"Oh." Her face fell as she stepped away from me and nodded slightly. "I understand." I turned away from her and continued removing my clothes. "Can she give you this though?" I glanced at her and my eye landed on the familiar red pill between her fingers. My eyes shifted back to hers and she licked her lips as she looked at me. "You can't say I can't give you anything, Syn. I give you understanding. I'm the one person on Earth right now willing to take you for all of your flaws and embrace them. You can be yourself with me. This is you."

"Stella—"

"Come on," she pouted. "You know you want to."

Of course I did. That was no secret. My high was beginning to wear off and pretty soon I'd become an angry ass. I weighed my options, seeing no good outcome in being sober and I held my hand out. "Okay."

"Nope," she drawled with a grin as she moved her hand and shook her head. "If you want it," she started, "then you need to take it from me." She put the pill between her teeth and wrapped her arms around my neck suggestively.

The thought of fucking her in the same city where Queen was appalled me. It made my stomach turn in knots because I was here when I could've been with her. As thoughts of Queen came to mind...memories of today with her and Aidan filled my head. She was probably with him right now doing things that Stella wanted me to do with her.

That thought made a rage fill my body as I stood there. With the sudden urge to forget everything and return to being numb again...I didn't stop myself when Stella closed the space between our lips.

꧁꧂

April 3,  2022

One Year Ago

"It's crazy that it feels like it's been so long since I've seen you out like this," Caspian said as he pat my back. I nodded, staring down at the amber liquid in the glass in front of me. It had been a couple of months since I started working again, but there was no change in how I was feeling. Days went by with the same mundane routine. I wasn't in the mood to ever do anything different— just the bare minimum.

Wake up.

Saint.

Work.

Saint.

Sleep.

Repeat.

The only parts of it that made me feel somewhat alive were the moments with Saint. He was growing up right in front of me...but that came with its pain too. With every accomplishment, every new step or new word he'd utter...I'd be reminded of how I could never do that with my daughter.

I slowly came to terms with the fact that I'd never see her again, but the constant 'what if' of her existence would leave a permanent pain whenever she was mentioned.

If it weren't for the fact that I'd hope I'd see her in my dreams— even if it were a memory...I'd never sleep again. The torment of my nightmares would all be worth it if I could see her face just one more time. With one look I'd capture an image of her in my mind and never lose it.

Times when I thought of her, were times where not having Queen with me was more painful. At least there'd be someone else who knew what I was feeling. With Queen physically here, I'd have a physical totem of Xavia. Somewhere she had truly been in to tell me she wasn't some figment of my imagination.

That's what it was beginning to feel like.

"What are you thinking about? It's my birthday cheer up," Xavier grinned. "Cleo put a lot of effort into this ball."

"I'll cheer up," I said, sitting up. "I'm sorry." Xavier and Cas exchanged a look before looking at me and before either of them could say something remotely pitying, I spoke up. "How are the kids?"

"They're good." Caspian smiled softly. "They miss you."

"They're what? A month old?" I asked. "They don't remember me to miss me."

"Don't minimize my childrens' memories," Xavier said with a mock gasp. "You've been slacking on your Godfather— well, devil-fatherly duties. You need to start babysitting so we," he pointed between him and Caspian, "can get some sleep."

"I will." I nodded weakly. A new song began to blast from the speakers and I heard Xavier and Caspian gasp. "What is it?"

"It's our song!" Xavier said. "Where's Cleo?"

As if hearing him, I saw her pushing through the crowd and making her way to the bar. When she arrived, she squealed as she grabbed Caspian and Xavier's hands. "Eek! Y'all it's our damn song!!!"

I gave her a small smile, glad to see she was feeling better after her delivery. It was a mess, but at least she and I were able to mend our friendship for the most part.

Before he could be completely pulled away by Cleo, Xavier rested a hand on my shoulder. "You want to come with us?"

"I don't dance, Xavier." I declined. "You guys have fun."

He gave me a half-hearted smile before nodding and drifting away into the crowd. I hated the way they looked at me these days but I guess I brought it upon myself. To everyone else I had become worse; I was killing more, ruling harder, and losing patience quicker...only the people closest to me knew the truth and that was that I was a hardened shell of a man.

As harsh as it sounded, that's what it felt like.

"Syn!" I heard someone call. I looked to my side to see D running towards me in a shiny pair of stilettos. "We did it!" She screamed excitedly.

"What did we do?"

"Well, since you've been working like a dog— which I hate, we filled up the registry for the number of deals we needed to make in Hell! In less than a year, we'll have millions of souls in the pit."

"Exciting." I nodded, taking a sip of the alcohol.

"Why aren't you more excited?" She asked. "You've been wanting to beat your father and you just did. These numbers are record-breaking."

"I am excited," I said with a gulp. "Let the demons know that they can rest for the month. Tell them to go to their families."

"Aww." She smiled. "That's nice of you, truly. It's nice to see that you've removed that stick from up your ass, boss."

I looked at her seriously and raised a brow. "It's still in there," I said flatly.

"Oop, well let me get the fuck out of here," she grimaced. "Don't fire me." She scurried away and I shook my head. It wasn't a secret that I'd been a hard ass these past few months. My patience was almost nonexistent when it came to bullshit and my tolerance of excuses was even lower. That's how we got shit done.

I was driven by the urge to outdo my father but now that I had...it felt like nothing. It still felt like he had the upper hand no matter what I did. He had his wife— my mother...and James. He may not have had hell but he had love; the damn notion that I used to think was stupid.

How could I win when I wasn't truly in competition with him?

"You look like hell." I turned to see a woman about to sit next to me and I raised a brow. It was rare that anyone wanted to be in my presence these days. She flipped her dark brown hair over her shoulders and my eyes filled with recognition.

Stella DeMarco.

Hades had tried several times to get me to respond to her advances on social media, but I never did. She was a beautiful girl, but I wasn't interested in dating anyone.

"May I help you?"

"I was wondering why I didn't see my invitation in the mail." She smiled, resting her chin on her palm.

"If you weren't invited then why are you here?"

"Because you are." I scoffed, shaking my head. "What? Can't a girl chase the guy she likes?"

"You'd be very stupid to chase me," I said. "I don't like being chased."

"Well, my parents always told me I was never the brightest apple in the basket," she joked. "If there are consequences to going after you like I am I'd be happy to face them."

"Right."

"What are you doing sitting here by yourself?"

"What does it look like I'm doing?"

She looked down at my glass before turning her lip up in disgust. "Alcohol? Eww," she said. "Why do you drink alcohol?"

"Does it matter?"

"Well yes. I'd like to know if my future husband is severely depressed or an alcoholic." She grinned. I glanced at her before looking away and when she saw that I wasn't responding to her, she scooted closer to me. "Is it to forget...or maybe it's because you don't want to feel the way that you're feeling right now," she said softly as she looked into my eyes.

What was she seeing? And how was it that she was able to read me so clearly? "If it's either of those, whiskey is not the answer love," she said with a small laugh. She lifted her clutch and set it on her lap before rummaging through it. After a short moment, she lifted a tiny clear bag with one single red pill in it.

A pill that I had seen being sold throughout Hell. A pill that Xavier once got so addicted to that I had to almost kilo myself to get him to quit.

Capxica.

"You're showing the King of Hell an illegal substance," I pointed out. "You realize that, right?"

"Sure." She shrugged. "But the King looks like he could use a pick me up. No one has to know, Syn," she said slowly with a smile as she leaned into me. "Make an exception just this once...I promise you won't regret it."

My eyes floated from her to the item in her hand before landing on the dance floor. I could see Xavier dancing with Cleo and Caspian as if he didn't have a care in the world. I mean, did he truly? He was engaged and building a family with the people he loved. His life was moving in the right direction and he loved it.

I, however, wasn't moving at all.

I wanted to move.

"Take it with me," I said to her, taking the small bag from her hand. She grinned, reaching her hand into her purse for another one. "Tell anyone this and I'll kill you, De Marco."

"Same to you," she smiled, taking the glass of alcohol from in front of me and placing the pill on her tongue. After downing the shot with the pill, she signaled the bartender. "Two glasses of whiskey, please!"

After a few seconds, he placed the glasses in front of us and began pouring. When he was done, Stella lifted her glass and held it up to me. "To making stupid mistakes!"

I didn't make stupid mistakes. Not purposely at least. This would be the one and only time I'd do it.

Telling myself that, I lifted the glass to hers and put the pill into my mouth.

Just this once.

Author's Note
😭*Me on Stella for introducing Syn to drugs*😭

So umm yeah...that just happened. I don't really know what else to say but DAMN. So Syn is just— 😭 lowkey hurts since he was always the most in control of himself. But wow...it's the same drugs that Xavier took when he was younger.
(Recap: Xavier admitted to Queen in book two that after the abuse from his parents, he got addicted to drugs. Syn found out and began taking them one by one so Xavier would stop. For reference check Book 2, if anyone knows which chapter lmk🥲)

We got a little insight into how it all began and another side of Stella and Syn's relationship. How are we feeling?💀
Lmk✨

Now let's talk schedule lol. As to not overwhelm myself but also keep me on pace, I wanna set an upload schedule that I can rock with. Here are the choices, please vote ✔️.

1. One chapter a day——>

2. Sporadic (Surprise update dates and number of chapters)——>

3. Three chapters every other day——>

4. Eight chapters on Fridays——>

See y'all tmmr❤️