May 3, 2023

Queen

He pulled me back into the house gently and I relaxed into his hold, letting him. It felt good to not resist, but I knew it'd be temporary. The emotional impact of the shit I had said to him didn't truly hit me until I left the condo and stepped into the long stairwell. We both said some hurtful things, but I'd never seen that look on his face after what I said.

It was like I broke him.

He rubbed my back until I calmed down and laid a kiss on the top of my head. "Stop crying, it's fine."

"No, it's not." I sniffled. "I feel really bad."

"Don't."

"It's not that simple." I frowned as I looked up at him. He sighed and cupped my cheeks before wiping my tears and I took a deep breath.

"It can be," he said casually. "I'm perfectly fine."

"Are you?" I whispered. Before my question, he looked determined...somehow stone-like in his belief that he was truly okay. But with a soft laugh and a small smile...I knew he was completely lying to me.

His charming smile didn't quite reach his eyes and I could hear the slight pain in his forced laugh. Perfectly fine, was the last thing he was. "I promise you." You're lying to me. "I'm fine, Queen."

In the past, I never truly studied his expressions as I did now. I relied on his words to tell me everything since he seemed so truthful when it came to his feelings...but what if he was only telling me what I wanted to hear? How many times in the past did he assure me he was okay when he wasn't? Did he lie to me to keep me from asking questions or to keep a boundary between us?

I nodded slowly and put my hands over his. I slowly removed them from my cheeks and held them in front of me and looking at them. I could see new scars along his knuckles and hands and I sighed as I let my hands caress them. "You're never going to fully open up to me, are you?"

"I'm more open with you than I am with anyone."

"That doesn't answer my question, Syn." I tilted my head to look back up at him and he closed his eyes before shaking his head.

"No, I'm not," he answered.

"Even if it means that I'll come back home?"

"I can't," he said in a soft but stern voice.

"You can't or you won't, Syn?"

"Both."

Syn

She nodded and pulled her hands from mine. I ran my hand through my hair in irritation and looked away from her. What did it matter to her whether I told her everything or not? I was present, standing in front of her, and telling her I wanted her back. Who cares that there were a few things I wanted to keep to myself? It didn't mean I loved her any less.

"I should get back to Saint," I could practically see the translucent barrier forming around her as she stepped away from me.

"I'll drive you home."

"It's fine I can—"

"I'd like to see my son, Queen."

"Well if you ask him, he'd say he saw you a couple of days ago."

"I haven't seen him since he was at my house." I laughed softly.

"Sure," she said with a disbelieving nod. I looked at her in confusion for a few moments before clearing my throat and looking towards the stairs.

"I'm going to be right back and then we'll go, okay?" She nodded and I headed towards the stairwell. I took them two at a time and as I ascended closer to the top, the sad feeling that had been clinging to me began to disappear. Of course, I knew it would last a short while, but it was better to feel nothing than to feel like this.

I strode into my bedroom and closed the door behind me and walked towards the closet. Moving the wardrobe out of the way, my hand landed on the familiar keypad and I typed the pin to the safe.

01-26-17

They say we met. Not only was it the day that my life changed forever, but the six numbers held the key to the only thing that brought me a semblance of peace recently.

A feeling of shame, like always, hit me like a breeze when the safe opened. Ignoring it, I grabbed one of the many pill bottles and opened it. My eyes glanced back to the unlocked door to make sure it was still closed and I poured one of the red substances onto my hand. I placed it between my teeth and put everything back to where it was and headed out of the closet.

I took the water bottle from my dresser along with my keys and took a swig of the water as I headed back downstairs. I smiled at the relief now floating through my body and I rushed downstairs. Queen looked up at me from the couch when I came into the living room and I gestured toward the elevator.

"Let's go."

꧁꧂

"Funny how I didn't have to give you any directions," Queen muttered as I pulled into her driveway. We were met with a gate and my head swung in her direction for the code to open it. She gave me a look before rolling her eyes and looking away from me. "Will you pop up in my house at random times in the night?"

"Only if you'd like."

"Oh, you ask permission now?"

I laughed at her words. "Why are you acting like I've broken into your house?"

"Because you have."

"I can assure you that I have never made it past this gate, Queen. I wanted to see you not scare you." She became strangely quiet at my words and I frowned. "What is it?"

Nothing," she shook her head.

I could sense something she wasn't fully telling me but I settled in the notion that I'd eventually figure out. "I need the code, princess." She said the four numbers in a small voice, clearly not wanting to say it at all.

The large black gates opened slowly and I tapped my fingers along the steering wheel. I could feel Queen's eyes on me and it was hard to act oblivious to it. Especially when I was on fire from it. I was more than convinced that she was the only person who could do that to me. I may have grown up in Hell, but she was the only thing that managed to ignite a flame in me.

I drove into the driveway, listening to her instructions on where to park. My head turned to the side expecting her to take off her seatbelt and get out, but she didn't. Her head was leaning against the window as she stared blankly at the dashboard. What are you thinking about?

"Hey," I whispered, placing my hand on her exposed thigh. Her head snapped down to where I put my hand and I hesitantly removed it. Maybe it was too soon. We did kiss this morning, but we hadn't spoken about us since I told her that I'd never open up to her. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah." She nodded. "I'm fine. Thanks." She rubbed her palms along her thighs nervously and I raised a brow. I didn't expect her to tell me the full truth since I didn't do it earlier, but I wished that things weren't so...mutual at times.  It would be perfect if Queen could be open enough for the both of us.

"What are you thinking about?" I asked.

"What are you thinking about?"

THAT is something I can answer.

"You." She rolled her eyes at my answer and I sat back into the seat, studying her. She bit the inside of her cheek to control her smile, but her dimples showing was hint enough that I hit the right spot.

"Stop, Syn."

"Stop what?"

"Looking at me like that...and FLIRTING! You need to stop flirting with me."

"I have a question," I spoke up, changing the course of the conversation. There was something on my mind for the past years Queen had been gone, and I wondered what she would say to it.

"What?"

"If I hadn't died...do you think we'd still be married?"

Queen turned and looked at me in confusion, but I remained serious. After millions of what if's and what could've happened, THIS was the one that stayed in my mind. She looked away from me and blew out a breath as she looked at the roof of the car.

On the outside, I was patiently waiting for her to answer, but I was going crazy on the inside. "To be completely honest with you..." she started.

Oh no.

꧁꧂

Authors Note

I hope I wasn't missed too much lol.
Now let's get into this chapter chile...what is Syn doing...👀 are we worried? Do we not care? What's up?
Lmk your thoughts✨