May 3, 2023

Syn

"Because you mean everything to me," I admitted. She stopped moving at my words and I took her hand and tugged her closer to me. I needed to speak to her and I needed her to hear me. I would never be more honest in my entire life than at this moment. "Believe it or not, but this has been a shitty ass two years for me."

"Syn..."

"Hear me out and then I'll stop speaking as long as you need me to." She nodded and I picked up the towel beside me, and laid it over her shoulders, closing it in front of her as I looked into her eyes. "You were the last person I did these huge declarations with and it's been a while so don't laugh at me if it's shitty."

"I wouldn't laugh."

"I know," I said with a nod as I fixed my gaze on anything but her. I took a deep breath and held the towel against her. "When I met you and started feeling shit, it wasn't just...love that was there. I felt everything. Not just from then—umm...but everything before I even met you. From when I was a kid, when I lived in the palace...just a lot."

She looked at me intently as I struggled to find the words, but she stayed quiet. "Every scar that you've seen was relived over and over again when I went to sleep. Memories that were just memories were just more than they were before. There were nights I couldn't sleep because I was scared of the shit I'd see, and when I did sleep it wasn't for long."

"How long did it last?"

"They never stopped," I said. "To this day, they're still here." Her eyes watered as she got emotional, but she kept herself from crying and continued listening to me. "They were worse after I 'came back from the dead', but I had you. They didn't completely disappear when you were around, but weirdly enough, a part of you was always with me in my dreams. Does that sound crazy?"

"I don't think I understand," she whispered.

"When you were with me, dreams were just dreams and reality was reality. And my reality was that I'd get to wake up beside you every single morning and be the luckiest man in the world."

Queen took in a shaky breath at my admission and I looked down at her hand. "In my dreams I'd get a small feeling you were with me, somehow protecting me. Whether it was a smell or some small symbol that made me think of you. Things would still be painful, but it was bearable."

"Why didn't you tell me?" I wiped her eyes before any tears could fall and I sighed.

"I didn't know how. We were so happy, and I just felt that if I were to come to you about it, you'd think I was weak. You asked a lot of questions back then and I wasn't ready to answer them." I noticed the inquisitive gaze in her eyes and I shook my head slowly. "I'm still not ready. I never will be and I hope that isn't a dealbreaker."

She looked down at my hands and my chest pained when she didn't confirm nor deny the question I had left lingering in the air. Is it a dealbreaker? I ignored the hurt that her silence had raised and I continued. "As I said, you made things better. When you left a couple of years ago, I thought I'd be fine...but everything went to shit. I couldn't sleep for a couple of months, I had these umm panic...shit."

I ran my hand down my face, not anticipating how difficult this would be and Queen wrapped her arms around my neck. I leaned my head against her chest as she hugged me tightly, but I kept my arms to myself. If I were to give in to her one hundred percent, I wasn't sure I'd survive her leaving again. "I-umm..."

"It's okay, Syn," she whispered. "I know."

"What?" I pulled away from her and she sighed as she wiped her eyes.

"Well umm, please don't be upset."

"What is it?"

"Xavier called me on your thirtieth birthday, and he told me that you had a panic attack and you were having trouble sleeping."

"What the fuck." Anger boiled inside of me that Xavier would tell her that when it was none of her business and I stood up from the bed. If I wanted Queen to know, I would've told her myself. Like I was doing right now. It wasn't his secret to tell. "Why the hell would he do that?!"

"Can you please just listen to me?" She asked desperately. "Please, Syn." I hated hearing the pleading in her voice so I forced myself to calm down and leaned back against the wall across from her. How much did he tell her? My mind was reeling with the question but I ran a hand through my hair and looked at her.

"He called and told me what happened, but he only told me that. He didn't tell me any details if that's what you're worried about," she said. "But I was really worried so I—" I cleared my throat.

"What did you do?"

"I know you gave me the necklace to stop our bind, but after what he told me, I felt so helpless. To me it was like, the man I love is far from me and suffering. And I couldn't—"

"Just tell me what you did."

"That night, and every single night; up until last night because I was too drunk...I would take off the necklace and try to cheer you up. I'm sorry if I made you somehow feel worse some nights on top of what you already dealing with, but I did try my best. There were just some nights that I wasn't feeling my best and I—"

Her words were immediately cut off when I rushed to her and cupped her cheeks. I pressed my lips against her soft ones, not being able to hold back and she jumped in surprise. 

I could distinctly remember a slight change in my sleeping pattern and dreams after my birthday. There was a new carefree feeling that I suddenly had with me. I just didn't know that I had her to thank for it. I would've been thankful if she did it once and never took the necklace off again, but the fact that she did it every single night...

Not only did it show her dedication to me, but a part of her; it had to be a large one, propelled her into doing an action for me that she could never confirm was truly working. There was no reward or recompense, and she still did it.

She could try to deny it as much as she wanted, or push me away, but there was one undeniable fact floating between the two of us right now.

Queen was still in love with me. Just as I was with her.

꧁꧂

Queen

I didn't know what just happened. One moment we were having a deep conversion initiated by him, then he got pissed, and now we were kissing. Yet another action prompted by him. I didn't know what I did or said for him to react this way, and I was hesitant about letting myself fall back into Syn this way. But I wouldn't say no to him. Not right now when he just attempted to bare his soul to me.

He pulled away from the kiss and looked down at me with unguarded eyes and I licked my lips. "Why?"

"Well for one, you're Saint's father. You can't be at your best for his sake if your mind won't let you."

He nodded with a small smiled and I bit the inside of my cheek. "And for two?"

"Hmm?"

"You said for one, so I'm assuming there is a two?"

"There is."

"What is it?"

"Well, it's because I—" A knock at the door interrupted our conversation and I turned to it. Syn was still, however, focused on me.

"Because you what, Queen?"

"You should check who's at the door," I whispered. If he didn't open the door, I'd be forced to reveal my true feelings before I had time to process everything.

He looked at me earnestly before walking to the door and opening it. As soon as he did, I heard a girl's voice. "Why didn't you come back to the room?"

"It's not a good time," Syn told her. My heart splintered slightly, but I couldn't truly be mad at him. He had moved on with someone else just as I had. The only difference was that I never saw anyone seriously or brought him into the house where they were as I confessed my feelings to him. That's what he did; that's what little respect he had for me AND her. If he wasn't going to respect me as a woman, he could've done it as the mother of his children.

"Who's in the room?"

"Stella, it's not the time," he said lowly.

She moved past him in the doorway, and when she saw me, I could see the pain in her eyes. I didn't know her relationship with him, but it didn't matter if she was his girlfriend or a woman she just met. Our pain was the same.

"Is this her? Queen?" Syn nodded as he ran a hand through his hair and I shook my head. The girl looked back at me sadly and I looked away from the both of them.

"I should go."

"No, don't," the girl said with a small smile. "I made breakfast and there's more than enough for everyone. I'm sure Syn would like you to stay as well."

"I'm sure Queen has better things to do," he muttered. "I'll drive—"

"I'd love to stay."

꧁꧂

Author's Note
No cuz damn😭 I was enjoying our little moment before she—nvm.

Jkjk lmao but this can't be good💀 Ex girlfriend and fling breakfast? What a fucking blast. 🧍🏾‍♀️
How do you think this will go? Why do you think Queen said she'd stay?
Lmk your thoughts ✨