𝚂𝚞𝚗𝚜𝚎𝚝 | 𝙴𝚖𝚒𝚕𝚢 𝙼𝚘𝚛𝚐𝚊𝚗

I never really believed in love, since the two people in my life that were supposed to be in love, hated each other. Ever since I was little, I would hear them fighting at night when I was supposed to be asleep.. I'd hear my mom cry and my dad say he wants a divorce, but I never thought they'd actually do it until they did.

I hated the situation, but I loved moving around a lot, having to go from house to house every week, never getting too comfortable in one place. As soon as I move out I want to travel, the thought of the wind blowing through my hair, driving 90 MPH, being entirely free, never knowing what will happen next. Some may say I'm running but I like to think I'm chasing. Chasing the life I've always wanted, fighting to be something unattainable and wild.

Every other week, when I'm with my mom, all she ever talks about is how she hates my dad, or how I'm not doing enough, or I'm doing too much. My baby sister is always crying in the background and I'm not able to get any peace. Although I can't not love my mom, one of the only good parts about being with her is how she allows me to talk to my best friend, Ashlynn.

The other weeks when I'm with my dad, there's always a sense of normalcy, we go on family vacations, we watch movies together, we play games, I'm fairly wealthy. But within the euphoric feeling of normalcy, there's that constant feeling of dread. I know that my dad and his new wife won't make it very long due to the fighting and although they aren't as bad as my mom and him it's still not great. Not to mention, they're trying to have a baby together because for some foolish reason they think it'll mend their relationship.

Everyday, all I ever feel is this pit in my stomach, the feeling of something always missing. I feel trapped in the cycle of every day being the same, counting down the days until the next big exciting thing happens. Ashlynn and I always joke about running away. When things get bad, we'll send each other a secret code, we'll meet somewhere and we'll run away together.. I sometimes fantasize about that moment, perhaps too much. It honestly makes me feel guilty that I want to escape my family, the people who are supposed to love me for me...

But then I remember they don't...

Ashlynn and I have the whole thing planned out (Just in case). We've had the plan since we were 13, I'm 16 now, and she's 17. I wonder if I'll ever have the guts to do it or if I'll just continue to live in haze for the next 2 years of my life.

Sometimes I wish I would do it because me and Ashlynn could run away together but I don't even know what I feel for her. I came out as Lesbian two years ago and sometimes when she gets close I get butterflies in my stomach but I keep telling myself it's nothing and it would ruin our friendship but deep down I fantasize of what it would be like if she felt the same. 

𝚂𝚞𝚗𝚜𝚎𝚝 | 𝙰𝚜𝚑𝚕𝚢𝚗𝚗 𝙲𝚘𝚕𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚜

I've always yearned for the feeling of love and acceptance. To be with someone who truly understands me. Not just the me everyone else sees but the real me. To be with someone that's up for any adventure. I have that. But not really.

Me and Emily have been best friends since... well forever. And she's different from everybody else. She understands me better than I understand myself. She's a free spirit, up for anything. I've always felt different around her. But I didn't realize what it was until a few years ago.

But within my home, my parents have always been against same sex relationships. They are very religious and while nothing is wrong with religious people; My parents take it a little too far.

At one point in my life, Emily's dad looked through her phone and sent my parents all of our messages where we both come out as gay and loads of other things that are against my parents religion. Both my parents exploded on me, telling me how being gay is wrong, how God created men and women to be together, not men and men, or women and women. They even tried to do an exorcism on me to the point where I just finally started acting like I was demon possessed just to give them a little show.

On the less extreme days, my mom would teach my brother and I, but I always felt invisible as if she never helped me which is true she'd mainly focus on my brother because of his young age and autism, and I guess I became more independent, maybe I'm just conditioned to be since my parents never really helped me with anything.

When I was younger I pushed myself to over achieve, to give my parents something to be proud of, but they never really noticed. When I did something they disliked, they would always become over dramatic as if they only see my flaws instead of my strengths. They always found ways to ground me and when I tried to fight back and prove my innocence of whatever they were blaming me for, they would say I'm back talking. So I gave up on being the good girl and decided to act the way they treated me.

I guess I'm what most people call the black sheep of the family, while my brother is the golden retriever. I've always loved the thrill of adventure, the adrenaline you feel while jumping off cliffs into a lake, or sitting in the passenger seat of a car that is going 90 MPH.

But the most thrilling thing I've ever done was being with her. I can't explain the feeling of adrenaline that rushes through my veins when she's near, the fluttering of butterflies that seem to only get faster the longer I'm around her. Emily, my best friend, my first and only love... She's my Shakespeare and I'm her Picasso.