( WARNING : you will see a more aggressive side of me that I usually don't show so I apologize if there's a lot of cussing and a lack of rationality. I decided to do this while being currently angry so I can do this more accurately )

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So at long last , I have come to this. I won't lie , I've been putting this off for a while in fear of people's opinions of me changing but I figured it would come to bite me in the ass eventually. So here it is. Every single bad thing about me that I've tried to hide for so long. This is Villain Maia unrestricted and while some private information I will withhold , everything about me personality wise will be shedded light on.

If you chose to hate me after this , that's valid and I completely understand. Just know that this is not ALL of me and you're only choosing to focus on the bad instead of the other good sides of me. Sailor_Soul gave me a Shadow Work prompt list to start me off so I'm going to answer the questions as best as I can. Some questions I'm avoiding since I already answer them in other questions. Here we go :

What emotions do you try to avoid ( e.g anger , sadness , jealousy... ) ? What makes you afraid to feel it ? What are you afraid will happen if you feel it ?

This one's a bit complicated but to summarize it would be anger. I hate it with every fiber of my being for reasons that will be explained in the other questions but I'm so god damn afraid to feel it because it's not just simple frustration. It's ugly , violent , blood boiling anger. It leads to intrusive thoughts that I know I can't go through with so it leads me to get more angry. If someone were to be around me at the wrong time , I don't want to just snap at them so I bury it deep down inside me and just hope that one day it'll slowly die without me having to tap into it.

In what ways are you privileged ? What do you take for granted ?

I'm so spoiled. I'm so fucking spoiled that I just wish I could learn to appreciate what I have. I'm not stupid rich but my parents have decent jobs and while they both work very hard , I always bombard them for stupid things like yugioh cards and clothes. I always try to internally justify it by saying I'm tired of always feeling poor and getting picked on by everyone that likes to flash their wealth. My mom and older sister always buys stuff for themselves on Amazon and when I ask , it's just " I have no money right now. I always buy stuff for you when I have the money but that's no reason for you to get mad at me for not getting what you want "

She's right and I know she is but some part of me still wants to get mad at her because I haven't started my job yet so she can't keep using the " get a job and then you'll get paid " line. I'm taking more steps to appreciate what I have but it's still hard sometimes.

Pick an adjective from the list that would trigger you if someone would use it to describe you and then ask yourself " why does this trigger me ? What would be so bad about it being true ? Is it the accuracy or inaccuracy that bothers me ? What could be a positive aspect to being that way ? "

Oooooh boy. Alright. Let's see :

Possessive , bitchy , greedy , co-dependent , stupid , manipulative , boring , incompetent , insensitive , hypocritical , heartless , tasteless , crybaby , weak ( physically ) , unreliable , self-destructive and over sensitive.

I was having a hard time explaining how these bothered me so to stomach it easier , I broke them down by the words being similar or having a similar issue.

Possessive , Greedy , Co-dependent , crybaby , over sensitive — Oooooh...we're opening up old wounds are we ? Ok , so once upon a middle school , I HATED being a crybaby and so possessive over people to feel loved. Sometimes , the cracks slip through I get heavily possessive over people that made me feel so loved and that won't ever leave me. An example is with my dreams of living in Japan , I know that I won't be able to see my friends all the time and that we might go our separate ways but I still ask them if they want to be roommates with me in Japan.

A part of me knows I'm forcing them to put their dreams on hold but me but I just can't imagine a world without them. I also know that I can't stay a kid forever but my body goes on immediately panic mode when I do things I know I'll have to do as a adult. A part of it is because of my fear of death but it's mostly my fear of growing up. I literally panicked at a grocery store I've never been to because my dad told me to go by myself and I was so scared I would screw up something as simple as " Can I go use the bathroom ? "

I know that Aquariuses and people with a ENTP personality would easily do things without anyone's help but I'm so sheltered from the world that doing anything revolving adult things freaks me out and I come crawling back to my parents. I just don't like it when people state the obvious that I just have to " grow up " already. Like I don't fucking know that...

Bitchy , manipulative , insensitive , hypocritical , heartless , weak and self-destructive — Most of the time , I make self depreciation apart of my humor and excuse it as " Dark Humor " so it's frustrating when people tell me that I'm being " insensitive " when people get uncomfortable with my jokes but when I get uncomfortable with a joke , they say I'm overreacting. I hate these adjectives because most of the time , they're accurate. I know it's apart of human nature to contradict ourselves when we learn something new but I just hate that I'm like this. I've learned to be more comfortable in my own skin so while things like being over sensitive isn't a huge problem for me anymore , it forces me to display fake confidence and at times , act like a assholes.

It's so confusing to tell the difference between confidence and arrogance but with my god and savior complex , I'm going to assume both ? The only good thing about this is that it keeps me from being a doormat and I can somewhat stand on my own. I'm not heartless and I'm not insensitive for looking out for me first before everyone else. If someone is having a breakdown and I ask if they're ok , they'll probably tell me to leave them alone. But when I do leave them alone , it feels like I don't care about them. It's really hard to comfort someone that I'm not close with so don't be angry at me and say I don't care when I do and I just don't know how to convey that.

Weak is a VERY upsetting word to me because of my anger issues. When I get angry , I have violent thoughts. But because I'm physically weak , I can't fight anyone. So my anger gets worse because I have no where to put it so it just sits there and boils. I wish I could just tackle the person that pissed me off and just go ape shit but I know that's practically impossible so I just sit on my bed , pissed off and document my emotions on paper in hopes of that replacing the violent cravings.

Stupid , Boring , Incompetent , tasteless and unreliable —

DEAR GOD I HATE BEING BORING ! Yet it's inevitable because every single thing I had that made me unique is now considered basic or " pick me girl ". I know this is selfish and bitchy of me but I am sick and tired of having to reach for the end of the barrel to find something that makes me interesting and not another faceless nameless person in the crowd. I'm not stupid for asking for help and it's unfair to use that to defy my mental health issues like ADHD and sensory processing disorder. I know it's not a excuse for me to use in every situation but saying that I'm dead weight for not thinking outside of the box ? Fuck you then ! I'd like to see you think of something that has already been used and is considered a " Hollywood trope " !

What is the biggest promise you made to yourself that you have broken ? How does that make you feel ?

...*inhale

" I'm gonna drink more water ! "

" I'm gonna improve on my craft ! "

" I'm gonna start drawing more so I can get used to the routine of a mangaka ! "

" I'm gonna stop slouching ! "

" I'm gonna pay more attention in summer school "

" I'm gonna give my dad a second chance ! "

" I'm gonna listen to my subliminals more often ! "

" I'm gonna talk to my cousins and fam more often ! "

" I'm gonna exercise and try new foods ! "

" I'm gonna get more sleep ! "

" I'm gonna learn more Japanese so I can be prepared for Japan ! "

" I'm gonna read more ! "

Basically , it makes me feel hypocritical and like a pathological liar. Some I have attempted and quitted on but others I just completely gave up on without even trying. Fingers crossed that I break this bad habit.

Think of a time someone broke your heart , could have you been responsible in some way as well ?

To be honest , yes. My relationships. A few friendships were my fault but it's mostly my relationships because I just can't stop ghosting people. It's bad , I hate it , but I hate myself even more because I sometimes get bored with people. I get bored with certain activities , bored of talking to people , even bored of living at some point. It's so self destructive and it makes my partners feel bad about themselves and that they aren't loved which isn't true. I mostly had long distance relationships and I hate them because it mostly to always ends because we stop talking to each other.

My sister says it's justified but a part of me knows it isn't.

Do you hold grudges against someone ? If so , why are you not letting them go yet ?

FUCK YOU VAUGHN THOMSON ! I DON'T CARE THAT WE GO TO DIFFERENT SCHOOLS AND I DON'T CARE IF YOU HAVE A TRAGIC BACKSTORY. I DON'T EVEN CARE IF YOU'VE CHANGED OR THAT I'M USING YOUR FULL NAME FOR THE WORLD TO SEE. YOU MADE MY LIFE SO MISERABLE IN ELEMENTARY AND MIDDLE SCHOOL AND YOU MADE ME HATE MYSELF AND WANT TO END MY OWN LIFE. YOU AND YOUR DUMBASS FRIENDS MADE ME THINK I WAS OBLIGATED TO BE INTERESTING OTHERWISE I WAS APART OF THE FACELESS MASSES. F U C K   Y O U

...sorry. I can't let him go because he was just so horrible and so sadistic. He molested girls in the bathroom , he always pretended to throw up when I walked by him and he even pretended to DATE me so I can feel love that wasn't even there. Unless I saw him face to face was given a apology , my ideology still stands. I will never forgive someone that put me through hell. Fuck you and I hope your consequences catch up with you in high school.

What do you need to forgive yourself for ?

For screaming at my friend. In 6th grade , I remember this girl I thought was my friend and her dad was in jail for some unknown reason. We had a fight in math class via notes and while I could've stopped before it reached a boiling point , I kept going. I told her to stop sending me notes but she kept going and going. Our notes got more aggressive till the final straw was when she wrote something along the lines of " I hope your brother never woke up from his coma " and something else about my family. I hated when she would always ask me about how my family was doing so when I'd tell her , she'd tell me that I was insensitive. I got up from my chair and screamed at her , cussing her out like some stupid karen.

I realized what I did and buried my head under my hoodie , crying and praying that this was all a bad dream. I knew what came next. I was shipped off to New Horizons and her mom called me a monster. A part of me wants to hate her because she gets to live out the happy ending and go on with life without looking back while I am still suffering the consequences. But I know it's not fair for me to say that. I know she might be suffering because of it , and I am taking responsibility for putting that trauma onto her. It wasn't her fault that I had baggage. But I'm forgiving myself so that I won't have to constantly imagine her forgiving me. It was middle school , we were idiots trying to figure ourselves out. So , inner child , I forgive you. You did what you did but now it's time to move on

I think I'll leave it here but I feel so much better now that I got this all off my back. I know trauma won't go away over night but I'm glad to know that I can talk about the bad parts of me and not forget the good in me. Hopefully you can see that too. I'm still human , and as much as I love being treated like a immortal god , I'm gonna have to die at some point and if I don't leave a huge print of the world then that's ok. I can live the human experience and appreciate it for what it is. Hopefully you can too ♡

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Also if there's spelling issues then my bad. I promised myself I'd write this as raw as I can so NO CORRECTIONS BABEEEE >:D

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