April 28, 2015

"You okay, love?"

I looked up at my mother, she seemed concerned. "You look like you haven't slept in ages..." And she was right, I looked awful. Ever since my nightmares started, I haven't been able to get one whole night of rest.

"Yeah, I've just been having some trouble sleeping..I'm okay though!" I smiled at her, I didn't want her to get all worried. "Alright...Just make sure to tell me if you're feeling bad, okay?" She said, I knew that she was worried about me. I feel bad for her, she just wants me to feel alright. "I will, mom." I smiled softly.

She smiled back at me and walked out of my room, leaving me alone. And I was alone with my thoughts, again. I hated this life, but I still wanted to live. It sucked. I have a loving mother, and some supporting friends, why can't I just be happy? I'm being selfish. I can't even comfort others around me either, what am I even worth?

...

"Chan!"

I smiled at the cheerful Jisung. We were recording a song for fun. Normally we wrote songs with changbin too, but he was sick. "Yeah, sung?" He beamed at me, he was literally sunshine at times. "I think I should add an adlib at this part, like a 'hee-yah!'" He told me, Han was really creative, he always had great ideas.

"Of course, go ahead." I said fondly, smiling at him. He was like a kid to me. We always recorded ourselves so we could watch it together in the future. I wish I knew back then he wouldn't be watching it with me.

And like always, I began crying. How was I supposed to get over people so important to me? I looked down at the filled notebook that Jisung, Changbin, and I had written music in. We were supposed to be a group when we grew up. We were supposed to be 3Racha. We had even thought of stage names, J.one, CB97, and SPEARB.

Did Han even think on how he would affect others when he left? Did he even think about us? Or his parents? How come he committed instead of coming to me? Even for Jeongin, how come they didn't feel like they could come to me? Hell, I even shared an apartment with Jeongin. I should've paid more attention to them...

...

"Should we make brownies? Or maybe cookies?" Felix asked me. We were going to bake something for everyone else. This was also just to help us get our minds off of things. "You're good at making brownies, so we can just do that." I answered him, taking out a few bowls. Felix just smiled in response. I don't know if I'd still be here if he wasn't here keeping me happy.

"I want to give these to Hyunjin first, last time I saw him was at Han's funeral. I miss him..." He said, he sounded a bit down as he took some ingredients out. "Yeah, we'll go to him first, alright?" I softly smiled at him. "Yeah." He smiled back, looking at me fondly. If only I knew we wouldn't be able to see Hyunjin...