☆ CHAPTER TEN! ☆
010. Big enough for life

|| FEEL IT STILL ||
❝I'm a rebel just for
kicks, now. I've
been kickin' it
since 1966 now.❞

➳➳

I HAD NEVER seen a dress like the one Carmella had given me. The colour was something alien to me; it wasn't quite a normal navy blue, but it wasn't dark enough to earn the right to be called black either. Instead, it was some kind of multichrome silk- a material that changed as the light hit it at different angles and as my fingers ran over its long skirt when I didn't know what to do with my hands. Like all my dresses it hugged my figure, but this one seemed more personal; this one seemed to be somehow different from every other dress I had worn before.

Now that I was standing on a pedestal to allow my whole dress to be shown in the mirror, I began to understand why the colour was so familiar and yet new. In the light it reminded me of a live wire; the black cover was illuminated with a strip of blue underneath that was only noticeable if you looked close enough, but in the darkness, it was simply black.

I believe that she was making me into a live wire, which came across as more than ironic.

"Lorna, I need you to cover my face with your body." Carmella subtly asked as she placed the eyeshadow brush she was using down on a table, just as she nodded towards the camera that set in the corner. She looked nervous, which was an emotion that was rarely seen on her.

As I stepped in front of her, I managed to catch the colour of my dress become a little bit bluer than it was before.

"You're in danger here." She all but blurted out, as if it hadn't been going through my head since I had arrived. "I heard some of the other stylists talking about the private session- they said you threatened the President."

When she looked at me, Carmella's blue eyes were pleading for me to look shocked at her accusations, or at least for a part of me to seem disappointed. She was aware of how little I gave away as I once again glanced in the full length mirror to avoid the worry that made the blue seem more silver, but it was just enough to explain all that she needed.

"He was right."

She sighed as she said it, but the words became almost like bricks as they came in contact with my ear. The type of words that would turn the tips of them red, so that it made my hair look darker than before simply because my pale skin had more colour.

"Who?"

"Cinna." Carmella elaborated rather quickly. "Alec too. They kept telling me that you would sabotage something, I just never thought it would be something as important as your life."

And yet again, the truth of her words hit me like another pile of bricks. This time the colour beneath my skin evaporated into the air that was enfused with Carmella's peach perfume, and I was reminded horribly of my conversations the day before. It was becoming tiring to explain myself to people, and it began to hurt my heart.

"What did you expect me to ruin?" I had to ask, although it sounded two times as harsh in my head.

"I was hoping it would be the system really- maybe just the entire Hunger Games like others are trying to. Like Katniss Everdeen wants to."

Although she was acting as if she was simply sewing on the last part of my dress' train design, she had taken a great deal of time already to do so. Because of this, I managed to catch the camera in the corner move slightly so that it could read both of our lips again; I turned to face the other door so quickly that it made Carmella drop her needle.

"Ow." She hissed when it stuck itself into her thigh. Her pain was short lived, and she seemed to understand why I had done it rather quickly.

"Three Districts have had to be put under Peacekeeper control due to riots in the last few weeks; they're inspired by Katniss Everdeen you know." She continued to push, even as she gently pulled the needle from her skin. "and because of you, because you've stirred things up. In Five, I've heard that because of your reaping and the way your games ended there have been serious talks about a rebellion. Just imagine that, no more Hunger Games."

In the next moment Carmella allowed herself to look almost giddy. It looked like she thought these whispering could come true, like I had started some massive fight that the Girl On Fire had taken from me, when in reality nothing had changed. A rebellion was impossible- Snow would kill them all before they even had a chance and yet in my head, I imagined a world without Snow. For a moment I tried to picture the District's without fear.

After another stitch, Carmella stood up from the floor and put down the equipment she had been holding for so long. Instead, she smiled at me like she would to a possible new client she was working with- right in the camera's view.

"I've spoken to Cinna for this design, he helped me find the perfect colour," Carmella explained with an overly proud smile on her face while she watched the camera again. It's red light was blinking now as it returned to it's original position.

"What would that be?"

Carmella gently smiled through the stainless mirror in her studio room as if she was reliving a fond memory triggered by my question; it left me slightly unbalanced. She placed the last needle on the right coloured cushion and walked up to where my dress caressed the floor to touch it with her fingers, all while her other hand lifted mine from the dress to avoid a crease. She held it close enough to her eyes to inspect my horribly bitten nails while she rubbed circles on my palm.

"I was hoping I could help make you an important ally for the games; Cinna thought that the two of you would appreciate a little coordination for tonight- to show your joint support for the cause."

She was giving me that look again. The one she filled with hope and excitement every time she glanced down at the creation she had made from nothing but lines of fabric- it was also the kind of look that somebody would give to their last toy before it was given away. Then, her excited smile was replaced with a sombre nod as she helped me down from the pedestal.

"I don't expect I'll be able to make anymore dresses after what will happen tonight. That is how important this is, how close it could be, but I'm proud that I gave my last creation to you."

I sucked in a breath as she placed her hand lovingly on my cheek so that it covered up the entire left side of my face. I leaned into it for a second as my eyes fluttered closed, just so I could feel the stability and warmth that radiated from it. I forgot for a second where I was going, or how much her last few sentences had sounded like a goodbye.

"I need you to promise me that you'll try to survive in the arena Lorna- please."

I opened my eyes, the bliss exiting as I tried my best to pull her hand away from my face so that I could tell her the truth. I had to explain what it was that kept me so adamant- I hoped that she would understand like Evelyn had.

"No." I almost choked as I pushed air to carry my words. " Carmella I can-"

"- you have to." Carmella defended. "If you don't, these whispers won't turn into something real. You need to stop mumbling- you need to speak up."

Her eye make-up was just about safe from the shattered tears that rolled down her cheeks irregularly, but her nails weren't as lucky to escape the torment. Now that I could really look at her as she wiped the tears away, I noticed that she had ripped her acrylics off to reveal that her real nails were just as bitten as mine were.

"Why does it have to be me?" I whispered as she guided me gently out of the room and towards the stage.

"Because the Districts remembered you. They remembered that you proved somebody could beat them, that there was a way to win. Little victories, they build up into something magnificent."

➳➳

Carmella hadn't said goodbye.

It felt like it was supposed to be one of those memories that ended with a goodbye, or with music playing in the background that made it obvious that something from that point was going to change, but nothing happened. That was what made my hands shake when I was delivered backstage; I didn't know if I would see her again, and I hadn't created a concrete memory that included a goodbye.

What made it worse (or what reminded me that a goodbye would be crucial) was that Finnick was the first tribute I saw. He stood straight in front of me with the same look on his face that was there the first time we talked; he looked at me like I was the only interesting thing in the room.

It took me a second to remember why I was so utterly mad at him when I caught his eye, then his words rang so deeply in my head that I had to get away. I didn't want to talk at all, I just wanted to go back to my room and rethink everything I thought I was perfectly ok with. So, I found my place in the robotic line, a space between where Finnick would have been standing and Alec, and tried my hardest not to look at anything but the dust on the floor.

"You know, Finnick won't stop staring at you," Alec whispered in my ear as I tried to balance on the heel of my shoes. It did not surprise me that he would try to talk to me, but I still had to take a moment before I could look at him.

"When you told me that everything was changing, you never said rebellion." My voice was barely audible, even to me. He looked taken back, almost surprised that I had found that out, then he glanced down to my dress.

"Carmella told you, didn't she?" He scowled.

"Why does she want this so much? She told me it was just whispers- how big is it?"

Alec looked conflicted. There was a part of him that wanted to tell me everything that they seemed to be protecting me from, and another that wanted to deny its existence becuase of what I could only guess was my will to keep a little bit of sanity.

"Big enough to risk life for." He finally revealed, just as Finnick was escorted to the back of the stage where he would stand to watch the other interviews. He had already done his, and any District after District 6 hadn't finished getting ready yet. "Some of the crowd are a little upset about these games, with the right words they could even get a little rebellious."

"You aren't at all subtle,"

"Then you know what you have to do," Alec replied as a hand grabbed my covered shoulder and pulled me back towards the stage. Immediately I was guided towards a crew member with some kind of microphone to stick to my dress, but within the next minute I was ready to go on stage.

It happened so quickly that I didn't have enough time to take a sip of water to try and clear my throat, or to actually catch my reflection before I was thrusted out into a plethora of harsh light. Lights that blinded me for a moment as the crowd roared louder than they had before- lights that only settled once I began walking towards the seats I was supposed to sit in.

Ceaser Flickerman didn't help me until I was close enough for him to touch, but then he guided me into a plush seat as he took his own across from me. All the while the shouts continued, and the host encouraged them to raise their voices even louder, while I sat with my best effort at a smile. It occured to me that my sister would be watching this interview, and that this would be the first smile she would have seen from me in a long time.

"Look at you, my dear! I must say, Lorna you've really blown us all away tonight, am I right?" Ceaser shouted out through his microphone towards the crowd. His face was overly animated as he let his jaw drop- but I smiled like I was taken back by the comment just to stop his eyes from magically hinting at me. It was all so loud- too loud.

"It's so lovely to see you. I must admit this was one of the interviews I was most looking forward to. I mean, after what happened in your last Hunger Games the Capitol really felt like we missed out on getting to know the real you."

The crowd cheered once more. Ceaser turned to pout at the cameras for a second before his face became deadly serious; once again his eyes were prompting me to carry on with whatever he had in mine. This time he wanted me to speak, so I readjusted my seat so that I could look put properly towards the crowd.

"Yes." I agreed with him, as my voice just about managed to keep one steady tune. Although, I knew the interviewer would want so much more than that. "Last time I was here I managed to fool you all pretty well."

With the sudden light change, my hands cringed at how out of character I sounded. I was still small, my voice had been turned up quite a lot to be heard by the large audience that looked on intently.

"Look at you, still putting on that act now; by being all shy and quiet. Come on Lorna, I think we'd all love to see a little bit of the spark we all saw in your Games."

Some of the crowd laughed as the man with lavender hair teased me, others joined in once he started laughing at me with his hand patting my own in my seat. Although, I caught sight of a group that weren't laughing once I actually stared into the people that were making all the noise. Mainly Carmella.

"I mean come on, nobody will believe that the Victor with the record for most tributes killed is actually quiet."

Another scream was thrown my way from the vast amount of Capitol citizens as I glanced to my free hand. I was not proud to have that title- it was one of the worst things I could have done- and yet it didn't even make me feel sick when I thought about it anymore. What I did feel, was an overwhelming deja vu as I smiled towards the host, just like I had two years ago.

"What can I say, I like to stay consistent with my roles."

"And you can play them well." He finally spoke back, only to become serious again as he asked me my first real question. "But I think we'd all love for you to tell us why you kept your mentor, Eveyln Eaton, from volunteering for you in this year's games?"

I caught myself glancing towards Carmella again, and what she had said. She seemed so hopeful, so desperate for me to do this one thing for her and for a whisper of hope- something that would put me more in danger. Although, wasn't that what I wanted? Didn't I want it all to be over so that the ones I truly cared about could win?"

"It was hard," I admitted as I tried my best to make eye contact with most of the crowd. I swallowed dryly as I tried to make a decision, a decision that reminded me so much of the decision I made at the end of the first games. Back then my sacrifice just caused more pain for me- it ended up just injuring us both- but this time I had learned. This time I would only put myself in danger if I did it right, and I could say goodbye to more than Carmella in the process.

"In my Hunger Games I wanted Remy to win. He was everything I had, he was my big brother and I loved him more than almost anything else I had in the world at the time, except for my little sister. As a big sister, its my job to protect Lillian from the worst possible life, and I knew that meant letting my brother live instead of me" I began to explain, hoping that my sister was watching, and that she would understand.

"After I found out they saved me I was devastated- just imagine being told that your big brother, the only older family member that could give your little sister a good life, was killed so that you could live. I had failed as a sister, and the worst part was that even when I tried I couldn't be as good as Remy was. But, Evelyn- my mentor- might've been better than both of us."

I paused once more to try to find Evelyn in the crowd. In the lights it was mostly full of black shadows that were blocked by the stylists sitting at the front, but I just about managed to catch her eye before Ceaser could interrupt me again.

"I found peace in the idea that somebody could raise her well, because the President promised us that we would be able to live our lives in peace if we won. And then, he went back on that promise, and the best thing that could've happened to Lillian tried to sacrifice themself for me, again. I didn't have a choice; with the security that Evelyn would raise my sister well there was no reason for me to let her die when it could be me."

Some of the Capitol citizens were so taken in by my story that they began to sob, while others near the front clung onto the people around them desperately like they would be taken from them at any moment. Between them all, the unrest had become so noticeable that the man next to me looked as uncomfortable as I did.

"Yes, well I must say that moment when you stabbed yourself in front of your brother was one of my favourites in the history of the Hunger Games- so sweet." Caesar said impossibly louder than the half-shaken crowd. "What do you think you'll do differently this time around?

"I can't imagine my strategy, not when it involves watching my loved ones die again after seeing so many of them already go. My best friends are in this year's games Ceaser, imagine having to kill them after all that I've lossed."

I took a second to compose my thoughts before an idea spurred forward into the light. All this time I had still been quiet, but maybe I could raise my voice a little louder.

I needed to speak up.

"No, I wouldn't want anyone to imagine what I feel like. I could never expect any of you to put yourself through imagining that, it would be horrible, even if its you all that put me here."

The crowd was getting more disturbed by the second, but now it seemed like they were getting so utterly horrified because I had finally uttered the unspoken truth that these people had never heard. I had finally explained that it was their fault that their favourite victors died so young, and finally some people were understanding that.

"Of course we couldn't imagine it, Lorna." Caesar agreed before he readjusted where he sat in his seat. He had seen the crowd change, and finally he looked as uncomfortable as I felt.

"What a lovely dress you're wearing, I must admit Carmella has done a wonderful job tonight." Caesar intervened as he tried desperately to change the topic. "Although, that colour hardly reminds me of your beautiful name; surely the Capitol's spark should be wearing something a little more bright."

I was caught of by the name, mainly because I hadn't heard anyone call me that since Ceaser Flickerman had given it to me in the last interview. I had heard various adaptations by friends, even a few teasing tributes by people that believed that I was an enemy, but it was only here that I heard the full name.

That name was something he had given, and it occurred to me that it no longer fit.

"That's because I'm not the Capitol's spark anymore Ceaser, I'm a spark from the Districts."

I said it without thinking, but it was somehow louder than anything else I had said in the interview or in my life since the games. It was almost perfect, I had worded it so well that it left me open to death, all while those around me looked as innocent as they were. This way, it looked like I was going against the President on my own- which would surely increase my chance of death.

I had said the perfect verse, and the best part was that I believed in every part of it.

•••••••••••
3659 words.

So, I changed this
chapter so you never
actually find out her
score. Why? Because
for the story it never
really was important
because she didn't
get a twelve.

So, I want to know
what score you think
the Gamemakers
gave her ;)