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𝟦 𝗁𝗈𝗎𝗋𝗌 𝖺𝗀𝗈. . .

3 𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘴 𝘢𝘨𝘰. . .

実生活 // 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐥 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞

     THE BACKYARD WAS, IN SHORT, ITS OWN WOODLAND OF ENGLISH OAK AND HAZEL TREES THAT'D ALL BEEN TRIMMED TO NEAR PERFECTION. The late morning breeze swept between the branches seamlessly, moving about in its own silent tune. It was cloudy and the sun was barely visible through the grey clouds.

     That morning, the blonde had woken up to the gentle pitter-patter of soft rain droplets trailing down the sides of her windows and crawling across the roof. The sky was covered in a mixture of greys and blacks, casting an intimidating glare over the world, yet it remained gentle in its touch.

     From the moment she got out of bed and peeked out the blinds, she'd been wide awake and consumed with anticipation for what the day would bring. Her first few hours of the day had been filled with nonstop cleaning, organizing, changing, and making breakfast. She was doing everything she could think of that would distract her enough that she wasn't so zeroed in on what would be taking place at noon. And so far, she'd been successful in occupying herself. It wasn't until she was sitting out in the backyard, once it'd finished raining, and eating toast, that she was reminded of her plans.

     A gentle nudge of the shoulder was all it took for Amandla Jones to blink and zone back into the world. Jumping slightly at the sudden pressure, her eyes flashed upward as her head turned and she relaxed once she saw who it was. "Fucking hell, you scared the shit out of me," she mumbled, sighing.

     Tom laughed, his hand falling from her arm. "Sorry. When I arrived, Val and Keils were on their way out and told me that you were out here," he explained, stepping forward. "What they didn't mention is that you're out here in shorts and a t-shirt. It's absolutely freezing, you should get back inside before you catch a cold."

     "It feels quite nice, actually," she murmured, tucking a strand of loose hair behind her ear. "But you're right, I should probably get inside. I only came out here to refill the bird feeder and eat breakfast, but that was Lord knows how long ago." Amandla breathed, standing up from her chair and grabbing the empty plate.

     Once making their way inside, she was quick to turn left and head to the kitchen. "How was your Christmas?" she called over her shoulder, making her way around the kitchen island and toward the dishwasher.

     "Good. It was good. How was yours?" Tom replied, his eyes wandering around the large white-marbled kitchen.

     The YouTuber shrugged. "It was different," she responded, putting the plate in the dishwasher and closing it. Looking up, she was met with the sight of Tom giving her a small smile. Taking in a deep breath and ignoring the bundles of nerves swirling inside her chest, she forced a meager smile but glanced away as she felt her heart tighten.

     In all honesty, Christmas had been hard. Really hard. Beforehand, she believed that it wouldn't be so bad since her mom would be with her, but in reality, it had made it worse.

     Every time the two made eye contact, they would both tear up and just hold onto the other, crying. Whenever Amandla looked at Valeria—she was reminded of how much her father loved her and how he wasn't there for either of them anymore. Then, whenever Valeria looked at Amandla—she couldn't help but notice every facial similarity the young woman shared with Dave and how her laugh and smile mirrored his. They each reminded the other of what they'd lost and it broke their hearts knowing that sad fact.

     It was by far the worst Christmas they'd had, but Amandla would never truly admit to anybody how broken she was inside and how long yesterday carried on for.

     "Since we're able to talk freely now, I have a question to start off with," the actor spoke up, hoping that jumping into the sole reason for why they were meeting would take the blonde's mind off of yesterday.

     At his words, Amandla met his stare and nodded.

     "A couple of weeks ago, when you came over for dinner, I walked in after you had been talking to Ethan. You were really upset, and I got caught up in the moment and allowed old habits and instincts to kick in. I cupped your face and you said that I couldn't do that—touch you the way I had—which I completely understood and respected. I still do. I had simply gotten carried away and was trying to comfort you in the ways I used to, and I explained that. That's when you told me that it was too much for you. What'd you mean by that? Was it me or the fact that I was touching you? The setting that we were in or something else entirely?" Tom questioned, raising a brow.

     Gulping, Amandla reached for the rings on her fingers and began to walk. "It was sort of a combination of all of that. Your touch is dangerous, Tom," she admitted, stopping once there was less than a foot between them. He furrowed his brows. "When I said it was too much for me—I meant it. It was too much. I spent so much time moving on from you and burying old feelings, but three words destroyed all of that progress and everything was coming back to me in waves.

     "I loved you, but I also loved Ethan, and during that time we were still together. I told myself that I would never do anything that could jeopardize our relationship and what we share. That included not giving into instinctual habits such as leaning into your touch or accepting it. No matter how right it felt in the moment—I couldn't. It took everything in me not to respond physically to you or anything you did or said. I wouldn't and couldn't allow myself to reciprocate anything because you weren't the person I was devoted to." She explained, and as she spoke, the YouTuber could feel a small weight lifting from her shoulders.

     Once she was done, it took a second before the brown-haired Brit nodded. "I'm assuming being back in my old room and wearing my clothes didn't help at all," he mumbled, glancing down at the floor; guilt creeping over his shoulders. He put her in multiple positions that compromised her and her relationship. He meddled in the relationship and pulled her into a pool of stress that she didn't deserve to be dunked in.

     Amandla shook her head, "No, it didn't."

     Looking up, Tom bit down on his lip as he mentally debated on whether or not he should reach over and hold her hand. Every inch of him wanted to, but fear was holding him back. Fear that it wasn't an appropriate time or fear that she would pull away and change her mind about finally talking with him.

     "You've told me everything; how you feel and what things have been like for you. I haven't been able to tell you anything or be honest and I know you have more questions. I want to be able to answer them and say everything I need to," she spoke softly, darting her eyes in-between his.

     Instead of responding instantaneously, Tom stood frozen to the spot, processing the fact that he could finally ask her the questions that'd been dancing in his mind for weeks and truly find out how she felt about everything. About him. Eventually, he nodded and Amandla gestured with her head to follow her.

     Making their way to the living room, they sat down on the familiar tan-colored couch and turned to face the other. It was silent for a few seconds before the actor asked his next question. "Did you and Ethan break up because of me?" he questioned, keeping it simple even though he wanted to say more.

     Taking in a sharp breath, she held it in as she tried to figure out the best way to respond. "If I were to simplify everything and answer without any context, my answer would be yes," she replied.

     "And with context?" Tom asked, raising a brow.

     "The night I came over for dinner, on FaceTime, Ethan said that he didn't trust the situation I was in and me. He didn't trust me to be around you," she began, pointing to him. "We got into an argument and I tried to explain that I wasn't comfortable being at your house. I wasn't comfortable staying in your room or sleeping in your clothes, but I was working with it and didn't have many options.

     "I tried to explain myself and tell him that it wasn't my fault—I didn't ever intend on staying that late or staying the night. It was then that Ethan said it was my fault and brought up recent events that'd occurred involving you. He didn't trust you and he didn't trust me enough to believe that I wouldn't allow particular factors to lead me to a point where I would be unfaithful or cheat on him. The next day, when we were talking about the argument, I told him that I couldn't be with someone who didn't trust me a hundred percent. Who didn't trust me and my judgment—who wouldn't trust the trust I have in somebody else. I trusted you enough to know that you respected our relationship and wouldn't cross any lines. We had unspoken yet understood boundaries.

     "During the argument, I told him that I didn't care if you wanted me back or not. I chose him and he was the one I was in love with. He was the one I was with. Not you. It was then that he told me he noticed the way I stare at you, and it isn't the same way I stare at him. That was the moment when the relationship ended, but I don't think either of us realized it at the time. The problem was that he is right. I don't stare at him the same way I stare at you and there wasn't anything I could say to defend myself, because we both knew he was right.

     "I will always look at you differently than I do with anybody else. You're the first person I fell in love with. The person who taught me what love was and unconditionally cared for me more than anyone ever had. You're my first love and nothing, and no one will ever change that. Of course, I'm going to look at you differently, but I needed Ethan to know that I loved him and was with him. I wasn't with you. And I needed him to believe me when I told him that I loved him and meant it when I said I wasn't in love with you. He said he wanted to believe me, but couldn't. It was then that I told him I needed space. I told him that he needed to figure out whether or not he could ever be okay with you and I being friends or hanging out. He needed to figure out whether he completely trusted me or not because it was evident that he didn't. From there, we took a break.

    "I needed to take the time to figure out my feelings and unpack what I felt toward both of you. While we were on a break, Ethan came to the conclusion that he would never be able to compete with you, and he didn't want to have to second guess everything he did and if he was good enough for me when he knew that you were out there waiting for me—as he put it. Meanwhile, I had come to the conclusion that I wanted to stay with Ethan. I loved him and always will. He was my future and you were my past, and I needed to move forward. Neither my mom, Zendaya nor Keilah agreed with me or my decision. They kept telling me to listen to my heart, not my head because if I went with my heart—I would have chosen you. I would have chosen true happiness.

     "Ethan was the one who ultimately decided to end things. I begged him not to, but he wouldn't budge. He said he needed to do it for him and to be there for Sean as much as possible. I understood and respected that. I still do. He chose himself at the end of the day, and I'm proud of him. He recognized the fact that what we had needed to come to a close, that it was time to, and I was living in denial. I was trying to hold onto something that had ended weeks ago because I was scared of having to see you and finally confront everything I'd suppressed for over a year. I didn't want to admit that a part of me was still in love with you because of how much pain I endured.

     "Once I saw you at the Christmas Eve Party, that fear and apprehension disappeared. All I wanted to do was tell you how I felt and everything else that had happened; that I love you. Part of me felt like it was, and still might be, too early to tell you all of this due to how recent the break up was. I don't want to come off as if I'm rebounding after Ethan because that's not it at all. I'm just finally able to be honest and breathe." Amandla finished, letting out a sigh as she felt out of breath from talking for so long.

     The boy adjacent to her was silent and his eyes were slightly narrowed as he appeared to be processing all the new information she'd just presented him with. Reaching up, she ran her fingers over the rings attached to the necklace he'd given her from Christmas. She hadn't taken it off since the moment he latched the clasps, and she didn't plan on removing it.

     A few minutes of solemn silence had passed before Tom looked up and opened his mouth. Sitting up, the blonde waited for him to say something, but he quickly shut it back. Furrowing her brows, she tilted her head to the side slightly and washed her gaze over his features.

     The side of his body was leaning against the pillows and his left knee was tucked in on the couch while his right leg dangled over the end of it. His hands were fiddling together and his expression was one filled with confliction. "Would you still choose Ethan now?" Tom finally voiced.

     Darting her eyes in-between his dark-brown ones, she shook her head. "No. I wouldn't," she confessed; another weight lifting off her shoulders.

     Tom let out a soft sigh and ran a hand over his face. "This is probably a really stupid and naive question—especially since you already said that you love me—but do you hate me? Are you still upset or mad?" he asked, clearing his throat.

     "I wanted to hate you," Amandla whispered, feeling a lump rise in her throat. This was a question that she'd been asked before and one that was difficult for her to answer verbally. It required her to be brutally honest in a way that she normally wasn't. "I wanted to hate everything about you, so badly. I tried so hard to hate you and what happened—what I believed happened. I wanted to forget that I ever met you and that I ever loved you. I didn't want anything to do with you. I never wanted to hear the name Tom Holland again. I wanted to hate you, but I couldn't. For the life of me—I couldn't and instead, I grew to hate myself for that. What was so wrong with me that I couldn't hate my destroyer? Was the reason why I couldn't hate you because I, deep down, believed that I deserved the pain I was experiencing?

     "Maybe I couldn't hate you because I blamed myself. I did something to drive you away and that's why you cheated. Maybe I couldn't hate you because I hated myself more for allowing my heart to be broken like that. It was shattered to pieces in eighteen seconds. Eighteen fucking seconds that I couldn't get over for the absolute longest time. Eventually, I got to a place where I didn't hate myself anymore for what happened and forced myself to forget about you. I ignored and removed any and all feelings or emotions I felt toward you.

     "Then, when you told me the truth, all those feelings and thoughts and self-hatred came flooding back like a tsunami. I was furious. I was heartbroken. I was upset. I felt everything and I felt like an awful person for having all these emotions while being with Ethan. Everything got so fucked and screwed up, and again, I found myself wanting to hate you. I wanted to yell at you and tell you how I hadn't been able to breathe properly since you told me the truth. I wanted to tell you how you managed to change everything in my life, again, and how I was doing my best to convince everyone that your confession hadn't brought back any romantic feelings.

     "I wanted to scream because I'd gone from living in one lie to another. The lie that I didn't feel anything towards you. I couldn't talk to Ethan about the reemerging emotions, memories, and temptations I had toward you, and I couldn't talk to you about how I felt and the problems I was beginning to have with Ethan, and I sure as hell couldn't tell anyone else. I felt like I couldn't talk to anyone about this inner battle. So, I didn't. I kept them bottled up and only allowed them to appear when I was alone. So, yes. I wanted to hate you, and yes, I was upset and mad. Am I still? No, because in my heart, I forgave you the moment you told me the truth. I've told you that before, but I want to reiterate that fact. I've accepted that I still hopelessly love you and need you just as badly as you need me." Reaching forward, Amandla rested her hand on top of Tom's.

     Looking down, Tom's vision blurred at the sight of their hands touching. It was a small touch, but it was more than enough to expedite the speed of his heart, which was already racing, and trigger the waterworks that were already growing due to her words. He scooted closer and turned his hand over, intertwining their fingers before raising his gaze.

     "I uh," he paused as his voice cracked, "I never ever wanted to—I swore to myself that I would never hurt—I never—" Tom closed his mouth and squeezed his eyes shut, his head dropping. A lump was rising in his throat and he could feel it clogging his airways. Hearing the woman he loved tell him that she hated herself for not being able to hate him broke his heart and created a sick sensation in his stomach.

     By not telling her the truth years ago, he destroyed her and caused her to think that what happened was her fault—that there was something wrong with her when there never was.

     She was perfect and had always been. It was he who was flawed. It was him who was to blame and whose fault it was. By telling her too late, he fucked everything up for her and was the falling domino in the chain of reactions that lead to her relationship with Ethan ending. He caused this inner battle she fought to rise from the ground and brought unnecessary stress into her life.

     He felt like an absolute piece of shit now—more than he already had for months on end. He swore to himself when they first started dating that he would never hurt her and he did the exact opposite. He hurt the one person he loved more than anything and anyone.

     "Tom," Amandla murmured, and he felt a hand cup his cheek. "Look at me," she whispered, and he hesitantly lifted his head.

     The second their eyes met, she cupped his other cheek and brushed away a tear that'd fallen. His vision was blurry and he was doing his best not to breakdown right then and there, but he could feel himself beginning to unravel. "I'm so sorry," he choked out, the bottom of his chin trembling as more tears fell.

     "I know you are, and I forgive you. Okay?" she checked, brushing away the tears with her thumbs.

     Tom shook his head, "It's not okay."

     At his words, the blonde began to tear up. "I know it's not okay but right now, here with you, I'm okay," she stated quietly, sniffing as a tear rolled down her face.

     Noticing the surge of tears in her eyes, he reached up and placed his hands over hers', squeezing them lightly. "I was such a fucking idiot for letting you go. I am such a fucking idiot for letting you go. I should have told you the truth so much sooner, and I didn't. I'm so sorry," he apologized, gulping down the lump in his throat in an attempt to hinder the tears.

     Amandla pressed her lips together and gave him a watery smile. "I wish you had too, but we can't wish for something that can't happen. All we can do is move forward," she mumbled, pressing her forehead against his.

     Removing his hands from where they rested on top of hers', Tom reached forward and pulled her into a hug. Almost instinctually, she wrapped her arms around his neck and closed her eyes.

     "Do you think that we could ever get back to the place we were at?" he wondered out loud after minutes of silence.

     Frowning, the blonde let out a heavy breath. This was a question Harrison had proposed a week ago and one she didn't have a definitive answer to at the time, but now she did. And it wasn't one she was liked, but it was the truth. "No," she answered, feeling his grip on her tighten. The feeling of his chin trembling against her shoulder spread over her body and she grimaced. He was scared. "Too much has changed, Tom. I'm not the same girl I was back in two-thousand-and-sixteen."

     Moving to pull back, Amandla was stopped by the hold he had on her. "Tom," she whispered, but he shook his head.

     "Can we just stay like this for another minute, please?" he choked out. The response she'd given was one he knew was a possibility, but it was one he was hoping wouldn't become a reality. He'd been hoping that by some miracle they could arrive at the place they'd once both lived in comfortably, but he knew he was a fool for wishing that. It was ignorant of him to imagine that they could ever go back. Too much had changed—Amandla was right.

     Rather than pulling away, Amandla placed her arms back around him. Both of them needed this moment, even though it was short-lived.

     "You're right. Too much has changed, but neither of our feelings has. How I feel about you has not once changed." Tom stated once they'd broken apart.

     "That's not the point, Tom." Amandla frowned, running a hand through her hair.

     He furrowed his brows. "Do you want us to go back to where we were? What we were?" he asked, darting his eyes between hers.

     As she stared at him, the YouTuber could see the desperation shining through. "I miss what we had and I miss you, but we were so much younger when we first started dating. You were twenty and I was eighteen. Now, I'm almost twenty-one and you're twenty-two. That may not seem like a long time, but for me, it was. I've changed—grown. So have you. I can't and I won't act as if nothing has, and it's unrealistic to expect that. Your feelings haven't changed, but mine have. I love you, Tom, so much. I do, but we are at different places in our lives. What each of us wants could be different," she stressed, hoping that he understood what she was saying.

     "I know we've grown and changed, and I know we're at different places. I understand that nothing will ever be what it was before, but I want to try to create something new with you. I want you, Amandla. Nothing has changed for me." Tom stated firmly, reaching out to hold her hand.

     Squeezing her eyes shut, she ducked her head down. "Things have changed for me, Tom," she finally stated, feeling his touch gradually slip away. Across from the blonde, Tom took in a sharp breath. "The cheating incident had a genuine impact on me. It took a really long time for me to trust anyone else in the way that I had trusted you. In simple terms: I have trust issues, and I don't lead with my heart in the way that I used to. I'm a lot more objective and realistic, and I need you to know that realistically if we try anything, it is not going to be easy.

     "I know my worth and I know that the way you treated and lied to me was something I did not deserve. I deserve better, and I need to know for a fact that what happened will never happen again. And promising that it won't doesn't mean a thing. Those are just words and words don't speak as loud as actions. Especially when actions are what ruined our relationship." Amandla spoke coldly, her tone leaving no room for argument or protest.

     Nodding, Tom reached over and squeezed her hand. At that moment, he knew that she was being serious. If he wanted her, if he truly loved her, he needed to work for her. Nothing worth having came easy, and he needed to accept that.

     "I hear you," he began, squeezing again, "and I see you. I understand. I will prove that I am serious about this. This isn't something that I am half-assing. I love you, and I won't let you go this time."

     Letting out a shaky breath, Amandla nodded. "I'm giving you a second chance. Don't make me regret it," she muttered, still unsure if this was still a good idea. The likelihood of having her heart broken again by Tom was large and she was praying she wasn't making a mistake. Two relationships had already been ruined: her and Tom's and her and Ethan's. She didn't need history to repeat itself again. If she could barely juggle her emotions the first time, she couldn't fathom how broken she would be if he hurt her for a second time.

     "You won't regret it." Tom vowed; he wasn't going to screw up this time. He was going to prove himself and get his girl back, come hell or high water.

╰┈ ⊰ 𝒈𝒓𝒂𝒚 𝒔𝒑𝒆𝒂𝒌𝒔 ❞ ⑊ ⎯⎯ : ⊱˒ ♡

⌇ 𝘯𝘰 𝘳𝘢𝘪𝘯⠀|⠀𝑛𝜊 𝑓𝑙𝑜𝑤𝑒𝑟𝑠⠀꒱
˙ ˙ ˙ ˙ ˙ ˙ ˙ ˙ ˙ ˙ ˙ ˙ ˙ ˙ ˙ ˙ ˙ ˙ ˙ ˙ ˙ ˙ ˙

     hey everyone!! i hope you all enjoyed the eighty-ninth chapter!

     the sad thing is that i've been in a situation similar to this and the portion where amandla discusses her self-hate is something i've experienced and a paragraph that i sent to someone in october. i used it here because it was very fitting, but tweaked a few things. this is one of my favorite chapters, as stated before, because of how deeply personal it is for me. i hope it resonated with some of you or touched your hearts. <3

     DISCLAIMER: amandla is not being too hard on tom so please don't comment that. if any of you has ever been cheated on (i have, a few times), then you would know how much it hurts and how much of an impact it can truly have on you, as an individual. i really wanted to hone in on the effects of cheating and how it's not a simple obstacle everyone can maneuver around. for some, it takes real work and time to heal and trust again. even though tom didn't technically cheat, amandla (and everyone around her) lived under the impression that he had for a very long time. tom made no effort to tell the truth until a year and a half later—that's a lot of time.

     tom is going to have to prove himself and show that he is worth it and that he's serious about her, and what happened will not happen again. that takes effort and time, and that effort will be shown throughout the rest of the book.

     and yes, ethan and grayson will be appearing in a few chapters soon. as most people would know, their father passed away in january of 2019, and i will be including that in this book. it won't be something that takes over but it will be something that happens that amandla &&& her mother will have to deal with.

     CONCERNING THE NEXT CHAPTER (PLEASE READ): i'm just going to say it... the next chapter will have a ✨lengthy✨ tomandla sex/smut scene. now, before everyone loses their shit, please read what i have to say. this isn't something that i'm including just to have it in here. i could have placed this intimate moment between amandla and tom in any chapter from now, but i put it in the next chapter. this is something that has been a long time coming and something that i, as an author, felt was crucial to the plot.

     you are free to disagree with me, i completely respect you and your opinion. however, do not comment hate. this is a fictional book, not something to be taken literally or exceptionally seriously. i see the hate comments targeted towards ethan and i get it, i do, but please hold off from leaving such comments until the story has completely played out. judge it after you are presented with all the facts, please. storytelling can be difficult when you update one chapter at a time online.

     CONCERNING TOMANDLA IN THE NEXT CHAPTER: for those who will say it's too soon and "why, grayson?? she just got out of a relationship and it was already too soon to tell tom she loves him and now this like wtf??"—i hear you. i am aware that some people may view and believe it is. a part of me agrees, but the other part of me knows my characters. amandla is finally able to express everything she's been feeling towards tom and will continue to. she's single and capable of making her own choices.

     it isn't a rash decision and is something the two of them do talk about. just wait until tomorrow. that's all i ask.

     𝐅𝐑𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐃𝐋𝐘 𝐑𝐄𝐌𝐈𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐑: thank you all for taking the time out of your days to comment on this story. it means a lot and helps the story be spread to a wider audience &&& gives me the opportunity to grow as an author. all i ask is that people vote on each chapter, please. as a creator, it takes time to write and develop stories. especially social media-based ones because there's so much to take into consideration and the amount of time i've dedicated to finding graphics, screenshotting everything kelsey simone (and other characters) posts, making graphics, etc., is ridiculous. so please, vote on every chapter. it means a lot more than i could ever express.

     i hope you all are having an amazing day!

     don't forget to vote & comment!