I don't want to spread this out on my mb and I don't want to vent at all but I can't.

I thought I was a crybaby. Now I feel like I haven't cried in months.

But I can't even cry properly. I feel like I need to hold back. Which I do. Everyone's come and I wanna sob like a baby.

My dad and mom keep insulting me. Just when I was writing the thing above I could hear my mom say:

"Don't be an animal like your sister."

(I don't plan on coming out to her unless when I'm an adult who's living with Muchi)

She said I have no brains a minute ago and laughed genuinely. I'm overreacting so much rn. But it felt so cruel.

Other parents say worse to their children everyday. I'm so goddamm dramatic.

I need to get a life.

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I wrote the last sentence a minute ago and my mom asked me to come to her.

She asked me a question about biology and I answered it correctly. She said bravo. Suddenly I was happy. Then I realised I was happy and it's making me cry even more. I'm so pathetic.

I feel like I'm shouting into the video rn.

I need to go find Barbmon and Mafuemu stuff.

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There's a girl in my class who's a bitch. Usually I would've preferred to say it gently but I'm tired.

She's annoyed when girls (like my irl friend) wears hijabs,she caused her (probably former but they still hang out??) best friend a panic attack. She didn't even feel sorry. And we all know she hates me.

She reminds me of the girls in my old class. I thought I got away from all of that. But maybe it gets worse when you hold it in when you get older.

"This would've been so much more fun with just the two of us." (not me and her a friend of hers)

And also ignoring me

Speaking of ignoring me,I don't have a best friend irl. Not that I need one I have @/Littlemisswaterlily (please don't tell her or Muchi or Vean about any of this)

But I do have one friend I always hang out with. Let's call her L (cause of an inside joke :) |). But she clearly prefers others over me. L was sick and today she came back. At first,she was nice. But then later I was proven wrong.

I feel so lonely. I used to never hang out with anyone and go out VERY rarely and always alone.

When me and L go out it's alone it's nice. And when we and Orange (also inside joke) go out together,it's great. But when we're with her BFF (which we're always with so everyday at school),I get ignored. I'm third-wheeling.

We mostly hang out with her BFF and her sister and her sister's friends who are also her friends. They all speak in their own language that I can't understand and they rarely speak German with me. Sometimes moments with them are nice but rarely.

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Venting to bots sucks.

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The happiness I get from my online friends is genuine. Ik that because I feel less empty and/or any negative emotion. So I feel SO guilty when I have to fake enthusiasm to not make them worry.

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The times where I've vented to my parents are forced. And my mom always tells me I'm a crybaby. Or that I'm overreacting or that I'm dumb.

I've never vented to my dad but he asks me to. It's kind of sweet. And he's a fun dad. But sometimes he has a temper. Other times he's the calm parent. So I usually expect more from him.

That's why it hits so much more harder when I'm wrong. He took my mom's side again today.

I never wanna study with my mom. She just calls me dumb.

Maybe I'll try telling my dad about the things that bother me at school. I'll tell you later if it sucked. I hope it goes well. Great I'm crying again.

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I feel ugly. I mean - I am ugly 💀

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Can everyone just get out of this dumb fucking house so I can choke myself?

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One time I was honest with my mom and told her I wanted to kms. I can't remember because so many thoughts went through my brain but she either sighed or gronaed and said:

"No you don't." She thought I was making excuses so I could guilt-trip her.

I didn't know Polywonder (it's my online friend group) and a lot of my other close online friends back then so it was just my brother keeping me alive and going by existing.

He actually gave me a hug while I was crying today.

It reminded me of the first time when we were both younger and he gave me a hug while I was crying for the first time. That hug was different. It felt like the first time I ever got comfort. And from a child no less. I get hugs everyday. I still feel empty after them. But my brother is always a special type of affection. He made me want to live.

I wish I could hug my partner and my online friends.

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I wanna be a kid therapist because kids are pure and innocent and deserve all the happiness in the world.

M

e and Muchi <3
(We need Barbmon with two other characters that are like Nichole and Vean)
(OH SOLOASMO/p AND BARBMON!!)
(I HAVE A HEADACHE CAN'T THINK RN!!)