vii. an indentation in the shape of you

When she left him, she felt her life irreversibly shift. Nothing was the same. Nothing would ever be the same. 

She was left ─ left to find herself in a world that he had defined. 

Her chest ached. Finally noticing the missing pieces. All the pieces she had given to him. All starting that day at the beach. The party at Boneyard. That's when Nova had given John B. the very first piece of herself. Unknowingly, of course, but from then on, he'd had a piece of her, and was probably none the wiser about it. 

Those parts of her that had been chipped away would never mend. Not completely. They didn't belong to her anymore. They were his to keep. John B. Routledge would forever hold pieces of her heart in his calloused hands. 

They were supposed to make it. John B. and her. Meant to be, she'd told herself foolishly. 

Strained words that had broken through her rough sobs, over and over again, as she cried on the lap of her Lovey. Her Lovey, who had sat there, letting the girl cry, whispering promises that meant nothing in the midst of Nova's heartbreak. She sat there in the place of her daughter. In the place of Nova's mom. 

And she whispered, "You were meant to be. There is no doubt about that..." Her tone was soft and soothing. She understood Nova as if she had lived through the very same. "You were meant to be. But maybe... not meant to last."

Her Lovey's words still sat upon the bruised part of her heart. Aching. 

Selfishly, the sun still rose the very next morning. No matter how unfair it seemed that the bright, burning ball of fire lit the blue sky brilliantly. Birds sang outside her window. Ocean waves crashed and salt air wafted through the open balcony doors. The world was alive, living. And yet, she'd been destroyed. 

This time, she had no one else to blame but herself. 

She cried as she dressed. Quietly. Not like last night. When her tears stained the satin-cased pillow that muffled her loud, earth-shattering sobs. 

Three layers of concealer are what it took to hide the red splotches from the tears shed the night before. To hide the still lingering bruises on her face. Her eyes were still glossy. Tears still there, ready to fall. 

Nova began chewing the inside of her bottom lip and winced. The cuts inside were still fresh from last night. Scattered all along the inside of her bottom lip. Not even gotten the chance to scab over yet. She didn't care, she chewed anyway until the taste of iron filled her mouth. And she went to brush her teeth. 

It was like she was on autopilot. Moving without thought. Her body was going off instinct, off what it knew already, what it had been taught to do. She picked out her clothes, not looking twice at what she'd grabbed from the closet and pulled over her bare body. Fingers raked through her wavy hair. She'd even managed some lipgloss. 

Nova looked in the mirror. The girl staring back was not her. Her lip quivered but she shut her mouth tight in a straight line, blinking, forcing the tears back. She wouldn't. Nova wouldn't cry anymore. 

She'd done this before. Nova smiled through the heartbreak. Through the hurt. It was muscle memory. Pretend to be okay until she was. 

This is what it felt like. 

This was heartbreak. 

This was real.

Her skirt was black and short. Probably too short for the school's liking, but Nova had never cared about the length of a skirt before. She wasn't going to start today. The white button-up shirt she'd found on the floor was wrinkled, she didn't bother to steam it, or even throw it in the dryer. If anyone thought to point it out she'd wave them off, insisting the wrinkles added character to the outfit. No one would buy it, but she thought it'd sound cool. The leather boots she'd picked from a still taped box in her closet though had never been worn, not a crease in sight. They were cute. And until today, after a year of them sitting in a lonely corner of her closet, they'd been completely forgotten. 

She left her room. Forgetting to turn the light off before shutting the door. It didn't matter. She'd never actually seen a bill for the house before. 

Nolan was already there when Nova rounded the corner into the kitchen. Her pills sitting on the counter beside a cold glass of apple juice. Nova had downed them without a word. Without even a glance toward her brother. He didn't say anything either as he pretended that he wasn't staring at her from over a bowl of cereal he held in his hands. 

It was tense. She could feel it falling heavy on her shoulders. The air between them was thick. Nolan didn't know what to say to her. Didn't know if he should say anything at all. He'd seen her yesterday. Hysterical. Heartbroken. He hadn't known what to say to her then. What to do. 

Nolan didn't know but there was nothing he could've said... could've done... to help her. 

Nova raised an eyebrow at him as she began peeling a banana plucked from the basket of fresh fruits on their kitchen island, "Penny for your thoughts."

The glass of her cup clanked against the porcelain sink. Finally, Nova turned and looked at her brother. 

With a quirked eyebrow, she smirked, "Penny for your thoughts?"

Nova braced herself. Squaring her shoulders. Readying for him to ask her about it. 

"Your shirt is wrinkled,"

And that was that. 

Nova looked down at the shirt that was only half tucked into the waistband of her skirt, and she smiled, feeling the weight of the air slowly lift off her shoulders. 

"It adds character to my outfit,"

she shrugged, still smiling. 

Nolan bit loudly into the apple that he'd plucked from the basket on the kitchen's island. And he laughed, "Yeah..." he rolled his eyes, making fun of his little sister. "Sure it does."

Nova laughed. 

This was good. It was normal. It was them. 

Something that had become sacred. The moments that Nova would share in the mornings with Nolan, all happened in this kitchen. When the world could be going to hell, as long as they were there, with each other, it'd be fine. It was her sanctuary. 

In those small moments with Nolan, when the sun had just settled in the sky, all Nova had to be was his little sister. 

It was easy. But it was fleeting. 

The buzzing of Nolan's phone brought them back. Nova watched as her brother pulled his phone out of the back pocket of his khaki pants, reading the text that had come through. He sighed, whispering a string of curse words before putting the bright, red apple with only a bite taken out of it, onto the counter. He rushed by Nova, saying a quick goodbye, and a second later the door to the garage slammed shut. 

She stood, listening until his jeep's roaring engined sound disappeared down their long driveway. And then she sighed. 

She'd felt okay. 

Even if it had only lasted a few minutes. 

The pestiferous, primitive bells rattled through the busy school hallways. The sound of sneakers, damp with morning dew, squeaking against the browning tile floors, and racing toward their classroom for their favorite seat could be heard even out in the quiet, and now abandoned parking lot. 

Nova was late. Running through the halls with a wad of paper in her hands that she could only hope were her homework assignments. 

The man in the hideous reflective vest, overseeing the road construction had done this to her. Holding the STOP sign up for fifteen minutes as he sat on the ledge of a wall eating a bagel and leisurely sipping at his cup of coffee as if he didn't have a job to be doing. 

She'd sat there for almost twenty minutes. Horns blared behind her as if she was the issue. And now, she ran through the hall, struggling to breathe, sides aching, and paper falling out of her opened bag with every step she took closer to the now-closing classroom door. 

In a few seconds, she'd either stop that door from latching or she'd be spending her lunch in detention. 

The palm of her hand slapped against the wooden door. The sound echoed down the empty hall and burned the inside of Nova's hand. She winced as she pulled back, looking down at the reddening skin on her palm. 

A cough sounded above her. Slowly, Nova raised her gaze, offering her aging math teacher a tight-lipped grin. 

Mrs. Knight was not happy about Nova's tardiness. But there was nothing she could do. Not really, anyway. Nova had made it into the classroom before the door closed. In the syllabus that was handed out to her on the very first day, that was the late policy. Once the door was closed was when you would be considered late for class. Nova hadn't been late for class.

Quickly, and without another word, not even an apology, Nova found her way into her empty seat. The same seat she's occupied since the first day of school. Still, with a slight glare, Mrs. Knight made her way to the front of the classroom, clearing her throat to gain the attention of the rest of the class. 

By the time Nova has gotten her things settled on her desk, and found the homework that was due today, Mrs. Knight had already started the lesson. Her classmates already scribbling on an empty page in their notebooks. 

Nova sighed, looking up at the clock beside her, head resting in the palm of her burning hand, and she wished for time to move faster. 

The lesson hadn't actually been as terrible as Nova had thought. Though it did seem as if time was purposefully dragging. Every so often, as Nova worked on the handout from Mrs. Knight, in silence, she'd glance up at the clock, seeing only a minute, sometimes not even that had passed. 

Her morning had also come to a slow calm. Classes were easy enough, though boring. Nova had almost fallen asleep in a few of them. In her English class, when discussing medieval literature, Pope had poked her in the arm with the sharpened end of his pencil to wake her after she'd just managed to doze off. 

And then there were the whispers that traveled the length of the hallways. A whisper passed from friends and classmates. A silent agreement on all their faces. 

There was going to be a bonfire. 

Her classmates couldn't shut up about it. It's all anyone could talk about since she'd gotten to school. Whispering in the halls and bathrooms. Wadded-up pieces of paper soared across the classroom when the teacher's back was turned to them. Paper with the words Bonfire scribbled into it. 

By the time the bell rang for lunch, everyone knew about this bonfire. Even teachers were warning one another about it, to stop the never-ending chatter that was taking place in their classrooms. 

Even Kiara had taken to the topic. 

"Are you gonna go to the bonfire tonight?"

She'd planned to be alone. Nova was going to spend her lunchtime in her car in the deserted parking lot in front of the school. The cafeteria crowd was always brutal. And she knew whispers beyond the bonfire would start when she didn't go to sit beside him. Let alone at the same table. Nova wasn't even sure she could handle being in the same room as him yet. She's been avoiding him since what happened. Because she knew when she saw him next, everything would be real. 

The next time Nova would see John B, they wouldn't be together anymore. 

And at least if she'd started crying, she'd be in her car, alone, and not in front of the entire school. 

But Nova only got a few moments of that time alone. Five minutes into their lunch period, a knock sounded on the passenger window of her car, and standing there, holding a grapefruit juice, was Kiara, a slight smile on her lips. 

Nova wasn't going to keep her locked outside. Especially not when she stole juice from the teacher's lounge for her. 

So, she sat with Kiara. In her car. Alone in the school's parking lot. Really, neither girl knew if the was allowed or not. But no one had stopped them from walking out the main doors. 

Sighing, as her head fell back against her seat, Nova looked at Kiara, "I don't know if I'm really any the partying mood."

"Good thing it's a bonfire and not a party,"

Nova looked at Kiara and rolled her eyes, but still managed a smile. 

The bonfire wasn't just a party. It was an island tradition. Everyone would be there. Except her. And they'd all notice. 

But as silence once again fell over them, Kiara nodded, looking at her friend. She understood. 

"So, it's really over?" she asked. 

The inside of her lip began to burn again. 

Nova nodded, quickly swiping at a stray tear that ran down her cheek, "Yeah..." her voice cracked, sounding unlike herself. She hadn't even said those words to herself yet. "Yeah, it's ─ we're really over."

The words made her wince. And a stabbing pain coursed through her. 

Kiara didn't say anything. Just looked forward. Then at Nova's hands which sat, twisting together in her lap. A shining silver glazing in her eyes. Kiara's lips formed a tight line, and she sighed. 

Kiara said nothing. Only looked forward. Her lips pressed tightly together. And for a moment Nova was scared. Scared that she was going to lose Kiara over this. She'd promised her that she wasn't going to hurt him. But she broke that promise. It'd make sense if Kiara was angry with her. Nova would understand. 

"I'm sorry," whispered Nova. 

Kiara didn't turn to look at her, but Nova could see her eyebrows furrow, "For what?"

"Breaking my promise."

Then Kiara sighed, and she looked at Nova with a softness in her eyes, "You never owed me anything, Nova," she said. "I'm sorry I even made you make that stupid promise."

Nova looked down at her lap. Her hands wringing together. Rings scratching her hands. She bit the inside of her lip. 

It was a good feeling though. Despite everything, everything that's changed, at least she still had Kiara. At least she didn't have to lose her too. 

"Will John B. be there?" she asked it so quietly, that for a moment she thought she'd only thought the question. 

But she knew she said it when the sound of his name had sent a taste so sweet through her that it made her stomach turn over. 

"I don't know," said Kiara. "But don't let that decide whether you go or not."

And she wouldn't be able to avoid him forever, either. 

She squeezed her eyes tightly shut and sighed through her nose, "Okay," Nova said slowly, nodding her head as she turned to face Kiara. "I'll go."

Kiara grinned, and quickly before she could say anything, Nova held a hand up to her, stopping any words that might have been ready to fly from her mouth. Kiara's lips snapped shut. But her eyes still shined with the shadow of her grin. 

"But I make no promises on staying."

"Yeah ─ yeah, obviously... of course...." Kiara nodded furiously. 

Nova sighed, falling back into her seat, "I feel like this is a bad idea."

Kiara scoffed. 

"C'mon, it's the bonfire, we do this every year... what could go wrong?"

Nova hoped she wouldn't have to find out. 

It happened the same weekend every year. And everyone went. The bonfire was tradition. And she'd go. To pay her respects to the island for the old, lost soul who started this drunken tradition. 

The air smelled of burning wood. Red and yellow ribbons of scalding heat rose high, intertwining while sparks jump and dance around it, lighting up the night. 

Music thumped loudly from the various speakers sitting around the beach. The laughing of everyone around her drowned out the words to whatever song played. She could hear the crunching of beer cans and the red solo cups that everyone held in their hands, the foam from the kegs running over the sides. 

She could smell paper burning. And she watched a group of guys she didn't know begin to tear up another stack of newspapers stolen from the gas stations around the island and tossed the crumpled paper into the flames. The flames grew higher and the smoke became darker. 

Some others braved the flames as well. Skewers and sticks holding marshmallows or hotdogs are held over the fire. Kiara and Nova had attempted that earlier but to no success. The smoke was too much and the flames too hot, so they moved along, eating their half-burnt marshmallows. 

Nova had hitched a ride with Nolan. Her older brother had decided he wasn't going to miss his last ever bonfire, being a senior. They were there early. The sun hadn't even set and a few guys were still throwing old, broken, and probably stolen furniture into the burn pile. As soon as they'd seen Nolan they waved him over to help. Not even two minutes passed before Kiara found a place at Nova's side, smiling wide as they watched the burn pile grow taller and taller. So tall it could have burned for days. 

"You're early," said Nova.

Kiara sighed, "Yeah, well," she said, her bare feet kicking the warm sand from under her. "Being homeless and all, I don't have many other places to be."

With furrowed eyebrows, Nova looked over at Kiara. She didn't know what to say. It was clear from when she'd seen them that things in the Carrera household were tense. But Nova didn't think it was so bad that it'd come to them kicking Kiara out. 

"I'm sorry," Nova didn't know what else to say. 

Kiara shrugged. And Nova watched her. Waited for her to show something other than the defiant anger she harbored. But there was nothing. 

"You can stay with us," though the voice said the thoughts in Nova's head, it was not her who spoke. "If you need somewhere to sleep tonight, or any night, you can stay with us."

Nolan had come up behind them. Having heard the entire, short, conversation. His arms were crossed and his eyes scanned the towering burn pile. He didn't even look down at Kiara as he crossed his arms over his chest. Hadn't wanted her to think he was pitying her. 

Kiara smiled tightly, "Thanks."

Eventually, the sky began to darken and more and more people showed up. Kiara had stayed with Nova for a while longer before running off herself. Though it took some coaxing and Nova pointing out that she'd seen Pope to get Kiara to agree to go. To leave her, standing, watching, as everyone around her enjoyed, or pretended to enjoy themselves. 

The chill in the night air grew. The soft wind sent a shiver running along Nova's arms. Her arms had once been covered by the knitted sweater she wore but had allowed to slip off her shoulder and down her arms, stopping now at the bend of her elbows. And though the night had grown colder, the beer in her hands had become warm. Holding it for hours having taken no more than a few sips from the red cup she held in her hands. 

The moon was nearly full that night. And bright. The sky was clear. As if black silk had fallen over the sky, allowing millions of stars to shin down brightly onto the beach that night. Nova would look up at the sky every so often. And every time she did she was able to locate another constellation among the stars. 

Nova recognized many of the faces that passed by her that night. Her newer classmates sometimes even stopped to greet her. She also recognized faces from her old school. Faces she'd once thought were her friends. But they'd never actually known her. And she'd never really known them, either. 

"Holy shit, you're here!"

The scream sounded and then someone collided with Nova's back, sending her falling forward. The beer that had been in her hands fell to the sand, spilling out of the cup. Luckily it had missed the dress she chose to wear. The foamy liquid definitely would have stained the white fabric. 

Quickly, Nova caught the familiar scent of coconut shampoo as a chin came to rest down upon her shoulder. She smiled, turning her head slightly, to see Sarah Cameron smiling at her. Her eyes were shining and her pupils dilated. And when Sarah sighed Nova could smell the good time she'd been having. 

"Wow, you seem to be having a good time tonight," Nova turned, Sarah's arms falling from around her.

And that's when she'd noticed Kelce. Standing just a few steps behind Sarah. Nova's eyebrows furrowed. It was a pairing she hadn't expected to see tonight. Or ever. 

"I've only had a few drinks," said Sarah, scoffing. 

Kelce suddenly raised up his hand. Showing Nova four fingers. That's how many drinks Sarah has had tonight. And it was unlikely he was counting any water or soda that Sarah might've had tonight. 

"Yeah, and your ex-boyfriend here has been following me around all night," Sarah rolled her eyes as she pointed back at Kelce. 

Nova's lips twitched upward, but she didn't laugh.

"I've been making sure she's alright," said Kelce. 

"She's not with anyone?" Nova asked. 

"She came in with Pope," he told her with a shrug. "And then I saw her with Nolan. They looked like they might have been arguing about something... and then I found her at the liquor table." 

Nova sighed, looking at her best friend, wondering what she was going to do with her. 

"I'm fine!" Sarah groaned loudly. "I'm just having fun. We haven't had fun in so long!" she grasped Nova's shoulders, squeezing, as she looked right at her. "Come and party with us, Nova... come and get a drink, something better than that warm beer you've been holding all night."

She didn't know how Sarah had known she'd been holding the same cup of beer all night. 

"I don't know, Sarah, I ─"

"Please..." Sarah whispered with a fake pout. "For me?"

There was a time when Nova was considered the life of a party. She never used to shy away from the fun. Never hid away in the corners, watching everyone have fun around her, as she stood, alone. 

Nova released a shaky breath, and nodded, "Yeah... okay, fine," she gave in, too easily. "But just one drink, okay?"

"Of course, just one drink," Sarah shrugged, a little uneven on her feet. 

And though she knew it was a bad idea Nova followed Sarah. Let her best friend lead her from the small, shaded sanctuary that had concealed her so well. Nova had been led into the eye of the storm. Chaos all around her. Everything was moving so fast, like a hurricane.

Nova took in the people around her. Everyone was so drunk. But laughing and loose. Nova hadn't felt like that in so long. It could be so easy to become lost in it all again. 

She sucked in a sharp breath through her nose. She could feel Kelce following closely behind her. Just one drink. Nova reminded herself. 

But it was never going to be just one drink.

She could lie and say that she didn't miss it. The easiness of it all. The life she'd been living only a year ago. 

Nova became as light as air. 

Her heart beat so fast. She swayed between two bodies pressed tightly to her. Nova didn't know either person, but she smiled, her face flushed from the alcohol. She couldn't hear anything over the music thumping out of the speakers circled around the large group. Her hands were waving high up in the air. She'd even started laughing at some point. She felt so light and so free even as beads of sweat began to form on her face. 

"You need another drink!"

Suddenly, Kelce was in front of her. Nova didn't know how long he'd been there. But he was close. So close that Nova could smell the mintiness of his breath. 

She stopped dancing just long enough to look down at the empty cup in her hands, and she laughed. She didn't remember drinking what was left in it. 

"Come on," he nodded his head at her and took her hand into his. "I'll get you another."

Nova followed him, not having much of a choice since he held onto her hand still, pulling her along with him. She tripped over her own feet on the way, falling into people she didn't know, or maybe she did, she couldn't tell. 

When they got to the table littered and weighed down by expensive liquor bottles Kelce let off her hand and it fell heavy at her side. Nova watched him look over the alcohol, deciding what he was going to pour her. 

She'd told herself only one. And then suddenly two didn't seem bad. Then she'd taken shots with Sarah. And a few minutes later she was being pulled out to dance with a third drink in her hand. Soon to be a fourth drink. 

"Here," Nova looked up at the sound of Kelce's voice, his arm was extended to her, hand holding a plastic cup. "You'll like this." 

He'd only filled it about halfway. She didn't dare smell it, knowing she wouldn't have to guts to drink it if she did. So, she brought the cup to her lips, and without another thought, she took a large drink. The liquid burned as it slid down her throat. 

Nova coughed back a gag. She shook her hand, putting the cup back on the table. 

It was tequila. Straight tequila.

"Oh come on," Kelce laughed, taking the cup and trying to hand it back to Nova. "It isn't that bad," he took a drink himself, only wincing a little at the taste. "See?"

Nova shook her head, "No," she said, voice raw. "That stuff is horrible."

"You love this tequila," he said, and Nova watched as a little bit of that smile faded from his lips. "Or, you used to."

She'd never liked tequila. The taste had always made her want to barf. But she used to pretend. Used to bite back the urge to puke when she'd take shot after shot of the very stuff that Kelce had poured into her cup just now. It was fake, her liking the tequila. She'd faked it all. 

Nova had fooled everyone. Even herself.  

And she was doing it again. As she stood there with Kelce, being fed drink after drink. Having to pretend like she hadn't wanted to gag after every sip out of those plastic cups. Nova had so easily let herself start falling back into being someone she'd purposefully left behind. 

Tonight she had become the girl that all of her old friends had known. That Kelce had known, and fallen for. The girl that he missed. 

But that part of Nova had never been real. 

Kelce cleared his throat, and her eyes snapped back to him, the amusement that glittered in his eyes had been replaced with worry. 

"You alright?" he asked her. 

A little too quickly Nova nodded. 

"Yeah..." she said, her voice higher, not sounding like her own. Nova winced, hoping to cover it with a cough. "Yeah," she said again, still not entirely convincing. "I just, uhm ─ I just have to pee."

Nova looked at Kelce again, knowing he hadn't believed a word she'd just spouted. 

"No! You don't ─ you don't have to do that," she shook her head, plastering a fake smile onto her lips. "I'll be right back."

Nova turned away from him. Both of them knowing she wouldn't be back.

There was a part of her that missed the life she'd had a year ago. Everything had been so easy. Or, at least, she was able to pretend it was, and the people around her never questioned it. She'd been so light then. The weight of the world never fell upon her shoulders. She hadn't known heartbreak, not the real thing. 

But no matter how easy, nice, and great everything had felt, it hadn't been real.

Nova wanted real. 

She made her way through the crowd, stopping to say hi to those who turned to speak to her, and offered a sorry to the other who she shouldered past, too deep in conversation or a makeout to notice her trying to get past them. 

It was hot. Nova fanned herself with her hand. She was too close to the fire. Using the spare hair tie that never left her wrist, she pulled her hair back, and off her neck, relishing the cool wind that breezed past her at that exact moment. 

"Want a drink?" 

It wasn't Kelce who asked her this time. 

Nova stopped. It was muscle memory, the smile that pulled on the ends of Nova's lips and caused her heart to jump with excitement, beating against her chest. For a moment she forgot. And then she turned, seeing him, reality reeled her back in and left her alone, gasping for air. Her smile fell, and her chest caved, crushing that heart over and over again, shattering it into a million pieces. She wasn't with him anymore. And in being reminded of that, the screaming started again, inside her head. 

She tried to fake a smile for him, "I think I've actually hit my limit tonight."

John B. nodded, trying to not look disappointed. The look on her face made her want to say screw it and take the damn drink. It didn't matter. What was one more anyway?

"Actually," she said, daring to take a step toward him. Being close to him was dangerous, because that string, though stretched, was still there, Nova could feel it. "It is hot out here, right beside the fire and all..." 

The fakest laugh sounded from her lips, making her cringe. 

John B. smiled, as best he could, it didn't quite reach his eyes, which made the knawing pit in Nova's stomach grow even bigger. She already missed it, his smile, the one that make his eyes crinkle and mouth open slightly. The real one. Not the tight-lipped one he wore now. 

He walked over to his van, parked just a few feet away from them. Nova had been so lost in her own head she hadn't even noticed she was walking past it. Pope was beside the van, Nova's eyes locked on his, she knew he was checking up on her. She could only offer a small nod in response before looking away, John B. appearing before her again, closer this time. 

But still not too close. He was careful, making sure she was comfortable. Nova loved him for that. 

His arm stretched toward her, the drink in his hand, but it wasn't the can of cheap beer or cup of some liquor she didn't know the name of that she thought it'd be. Instead, John B. had a juice pouch held out to her. With tears in her eyes, Nova looked at the Capri Sun that a nervous, twitching hand offered to her. Everything inside her softened. The screaming inside her head dulled to a whisper. She looked up him and she loved him. 

Finally, Nova took the juice out of his hand, looking down at it. She didn't say anything, didn't say thank you, said nothing. She couldn't talk. Or she knew she'd start crying again. 

"Because you don't like beer... and that's all we had, so I ─ I bought those just in case..." Nova knew. John B. bought the Capri Sun just in case he ran into her tonight and she needed a drink. 

From the night they met, officially, for the first time. She told him she wasn't a fan of beer, that she liked Capri Sun. 

"What are you a fan of?"

"Capri Sun," Nova admitted. "You know, the ones in the pouch with the yellow straws?"

"I'll remember to buy a box for you at the next party," he laughed, but the promise seemed genuine.

"You remembered."

"Has the yellow straw and everything," John B. pointed out. 

Nova nodded, her throat tightening, "Thank you," she looks at John B, her facade threatening to crumble soon. She knew she needed to leave now or she wouldn't at all. And they'd end up right where they'd been. "I should ─ I actually need to find a functioning bathroom..."

John B. nodded, knowing what this was. It was her way out. She needed to go, and he knew that too. 

A fake laugh sounded again, "Yeah, well, if you find one, let me know, okay?"

Taking a step back, she nodded, "Will do," and she hold up the Capri Sun he gave her. "Thanks for this."

He waves her off as if it was nothing. 

But it had been everything.

Nova stayed facing him. And John B. didn't move from looking at her. She wouldn't take another step back. Her body no longer responded to her. It didn't want to be far away from him. He'd been her home ─ still is, and every part of her, even her muscles knew that. She missed his safety. His quiet. And the string was still tethered, still there, and oddly, she was glad.

Someone called John B's name, a guy, snapping them both from the trance they'd put one another in. John B's head turned, and without the lock in her gaze, Nova found the momentary strength to move, even though it was as if every nerve ─ every muscle in her body was going against her. 

It hurt to turn away from him. 

But she had to. They needed this. She couldn't run back to him. They can't pick up where they left off. They'd end up resenting each other. 

Nova didn't want to hate him. 

She had to leave him.

Nova was alone again. 

Long moments passed as she walked along the beach. Sand in her shoe, tickling the bottoms of her feet. A Capri Sun in her hand. She watched the world move on without her. Knew that it didn't need her in it to keep moving. Not really.

Nova watched for a few minutes as Kelce lingered by the table. She chewed on the straw of her now empty juice pouch. Waiting for her, even when knowing she'd left with no intention of returning to him. Not in the way that he wanted her to.

She watched Sarah. Still smiling and twirling in a large group of their former friends, dancing. Not a sight of worry on her glowing, red face. This made Nova smile too. Sarah had needed this. She'd needed to feel the lightness of their old life. To be able to pretend for a little bit as if her life hadn't crumpled completely at her feet. 

More time passed, and Nova just kept walking. Stopping only to throw her juice in the trash. 

Not meaning to, she found him again. John B. was still being greeted like a celebrity by his classmates and friends. Some Nova had never met. She watched as he made his way down the beach, being clapped on the shoulder and patted on the back. Though the smiles he offered everyone never quite reached his eyes. Just like they didn't with her. She was afraid that she took it from him. 

Nova had found it hard to tear her eyes off him. Had found it hard to keep her feet placed firmly on the ground instead of walking to him. He found her though. As he always did. His eyes that scanned the beach had found her standing, looking at him. She hadn't even realized she'd stopped walking to look at him. It was almost creepy. He smiled. And so did she. And that was it.

Neither of them moved toward the other. It was better that way. At least, Nova hoped so. If she had done this for nothing... no, she wouldn't even consider that. 

It seemed after that her eyes couldn't stop finding him. Even in moments when she wished her eyes would. Especially the moments when girls approached him. With their cheeks red and mischievous smiles. Nova bit the inside of her lip, hard. John B. never encouraged the girls though. Not really. He was nice, dismissive... until a tall, raven-haired girl took the spot beside him on the boulder Nova had watched him sneak away to. The was persistent. Insisting that he have at least one drink with her. 

John B. stood up, he'd agreed to have a drink with her. Nova's body went tense, it felt like she'd been punched in the chest, and a kind of rage didn't know flowed through her. 

Quickly, she tore her gaze away, looking absolutely anywhere than at him, and the girl. She began walking again, walking away. Needing to be far from him. Far enough down the beach, in a spot where she wouldn't be able to find him, even if she wanted to try. 

She just walked. And kept walking. The beach getting darker and darker, more shadows around her as she moved farther and farther away from the fire. 

Nova stomped and took a drink from the nearest cooler, popping the tab. Her body cringed at the taste of Natural Light in her mouth. Warm Natural Light at that. All the ice in the cooler had melted by now. 

She wished she had saved that Capri Sun.

"Having fun?" 

A voice that Nova had wished she wouldn't hear tonight. Or any night. She froze again, only for a second, unable to move, even think. 

She took him in, standing before her. He was lazily leaning against an old, cracking concrete wall that had been littered with graffiti throughout the many years it's stood. His arms were at his sides, a red solo cup dangling from the loose, careless hold of his fingertips. Nova looked at his hands and his flannel-covered arms. She noticed the veins straining in his neck as if he too was having a hard time breathing. 

Nova met his eyes. Blue as the ocean water. And her throat dried. Her chest ached. JJ looked back at her, his usual, stupid sideways smirk on his lips. 

She wanted to slap the smirk right off his face, "Yeah," Nova managed to say, her voice hoarse, as if someone was stepping on her chest. "I guess so."

Still, with the smirk on his lips, he stood off the wall but made no move to step toward where Nova stood, on the other side of the empty keg. Her heart pounded and a light clinking sounded as her nervous fingers began flicking the can's tab against the aluminum top, over and over again. 

"I saw you with Sarah earlier," he said, nodding back toward the group that still encircled her blonde-haired best friend, "And Kelce..." he added, a bite to his words that hadn't been there a second ago. Nova met his gaze and made herself meet his gaze. "Looked like you were having fun with all of them."

Nova shrugged, and another kind of anger began to swirl inside her, "Am I not allowed to enjoy myself anymore?"

"I didn't say that."

"But you're insinuating it."

Nova stared at JJ. She waited for him to come back at her with another smart remark. To make her so angry she explodes. 

He said nothing, "Those people, JJ, they were my friends, for years," and then Nova shook her head because who was she to have to explain herself to him? "You know what, none of this is your business anyway."

"Oh no, trust me, I get it," JJ said with a tasting kind of amusement in his tone. "You can take the Princess out of Kookland, but you can't take the Kook out of the Princess."

He was really one to talk. 

Nova rolled her eyes. He was closer now. The keg was now the only thing separating them. Her heart thundered in her chest and she gulped. It felt like a storm was brewing, the winds growing stronger every time he took a step closer to her. 

"And you think I haven't noticed you all night?" Nova was yelling at him now, pointing a finger at his chest. "You think I haven't seen you with a different girl at every turn of my head? Parading them around? Winking and flirting with them. You think I haven't noticed?" She laughed, but there was no humor in it, and her eyes remained blank, only staring with burning anger at JJ. "Just a few days ago you were telling me that you loved me!"

She shouldn't have cared. It shouldn't have bothered Nova when she'd first noticed JJ tonight. Far into the crowd on the other end of the beach where most Pogues lingered. A girl, with short pink hair, clinging onto his shoulder, her mouth so close to his ear that her lips grazed skin. A dark, angry fire had burned inside her at the sight. She'd bitten the inside of her lip so hard she thought her tooth had torn through it. It bled for what felt like twenty minutes. Seeing him like that, with another girl, shouldn't have made her feel like that. 

Nova shouldn't have felt so angry. So hurt. So jealous. 

JJ wasn't hers. He'd told her he loved her and she told him to forget about it. Maybe that's what he'd been doing tonight. And the thought of that, the thought of JJ not wanting her anymore made her sick to her stomach. 

He laughed now, but it was genuine, it hadn't reached his eyes, "You're really one to talk, aren't you, Nova?"

"I broke up with John B."

She didn't know why she said that. He probably already knew anyway. 

JJ stepped around the keg, walking around Nova, she turned to follow him, but he'd already stopped, and already faced her. So close. He stood so dangerously close. Her breathing hitched and lighting shot down right between them. Her eyes didn't leave his. Couldn't leave. 

He took another step, closing the already non-existent space between them, and he leaned in, his lips barely grazing the skin of her neck as he whispered, "I know."

Every nerve lit up inside her. She was burning from the inside out. Her skin was as hot as the blazing pit of fire far away from them. Her eyes closed and she felt the heavy rise and fall of her chest. She felt the beating of his heart with her own. He was so close. Too close.

She was really treading in dangerous water tonight.

Nova opened her eyes again, seeing that he had never faltered, never left her, the icy blue bore into her, but did not cool the storm that raged inside her. 

She licked her lips, hands shaking at her sides, "You're in love with me?"

Her voice was quiet. Raw. Barely even a whisper. An invisible hand had clamped around her throat, stealing away her ability to breathe in air. She was drowning. Suffocating. Burning. All things all at once. 

JJ's hand was cool against her cheek. His thumb, calloused and rough, caressed the line of her jaw. Hovered over her pink lips. It grazed so lightly over them, tracing them, memorizing them. 

His eyes went from her eyes to her lips, then back to her eyes. Desire filled them. But he wouldn't do it. JJ wouldn't kiss her. It was a rule he had. A rule they had. 

"Yeah," he whispered, voice low and rough. His thumb still running over her lips. Never touching them completely though. "Yeah, unfortunately, I am."

Nova nodded. The fire inside her had become crippling. Unbearable. But that was all she needed to hear.

"Okay."

And she turned away from him too.

A storm passed but another began. The searing flames had died out. The choking heat vanished. Replaced by quiet. The air was now cold. Empty. A door shut and the night was locked away. 

The marble was cold beneath her feet. A trail of sand trailed behind, forgotten, as she padded across the floor and toward the tall, winding staircase. Nova followed the familiar pathway. Her hand ran along the railing and then the hallway walls until it stopped, falling upon a cool, golden doorknob. She opened the door, flicked on the light that burned the room golden, and a burst of cold, hit her like a barrier trying to push her back. To tell her this was a bad, stupid idea. 

She was more aware of the body behind her than she's ever been before. Through the blasting air conditioner, she could feel the warmth that radiated from him. Nova didn't speak and didn't breathe much either. But her heart beat hard and loud in her chest. Her back stayed turned to him and with trembling hands and cold fingers Nova reached around her neck and unclasped the light golden chain that had fallen against her chest all night. A small pearl in the middle of it. She tossed the jewelry onto the nightstand with all the others that she'd been too lazy to put away.

Her hand rested against her chest, a sudden lightness there. As if the necklace had been weighing heavy on her all night. 

He took in everything. Eyes scanning the room, studying the contents of the four walls standing around them. Nova still wouldn't face him but she knew what he was doing. Where he was standing. How he looked, with his furrowed eyebrows and slightly parted lips. Knew that he hadn't yet let himself take the final step forward. Not yet. Not uninvited. 

Nova had fully intended to walk home alone. After finding her brother too drunk to stand upright she stomped off the beach and all the way onto an empty road. It was late and dark, but Nova was afraid. It was the Outer Banks. Everyone was either here or in bed. But it didn't matter. Because not even a minute later, appearing from the sand dunes, JJ stood on the same sidewalk as her, refusing to let her go on alone. No matter how much she protested. No matter how many times she reminded him that she didn't need him around. He wasn't going to leave her. He couldn't leave her, which is what had gotten them into this mess in the first place. 

They were quiet. Silent, actually. No one said a damn word. Nova would huff and cross her arms over her chest, always walking a few feet in front of him. And JJ would follow, always staying a few feet behind. He was quiet, shaking his head and wondering how in the world he'd let himself fall into a situation like this one. He didn't do messy. Quick and easy was his style. That's why he loved tourist girls. Not the Kook princess who would throw a drunken tantrum because she hadn't been allowed to walk home alone in the middle of the night. 

He'd followed her all night. All the way home. All through her house, gaping the entire way. Stopping only when she'd flung open her bedroom door. And he took every inch of it in. Every inch of that room. Every tiny scrap of Nova's life that not many ever got to see. 

She'd never liked allowing people into her bedroom. It'd been that way since she'd started having sleepovers in elementary school. Nova and her friends would camp outside, in the living room, or choose another room in the house to sleep in for the night. Cousins and other relatives also were kept out of her bedroom. Few people, like Sarah Cameron, had been the exception. 

It was personal. When Nova opened her bedroom door to someone she felt like she was bearing her entire self to them. They were getting a glimpse into her soul. Because Nova's room was her sanctuary. It was her safe place. Her hideaway. When she was within these four walls she got to pretend that nothing outside of the door with the golden doorknob existed. And she just to... to be. 

"Wow," his tone was indifferent. 

Not knowing what to make of it, Nova turned, JJ was looking at the pictures she had lying on the dresser beside him, "Is it everything you expected it to be?" 

Nova asked him, "Is it everything you thought it'd be?"

She turned around just in time to see him shake his head, "No," he said, his tone indifferent, "Not really."

She sighed, nodding like she was agreeing. Nova took in her room. And even though she knew it better than anyone, she stared, tracing over every trinket, every discarded piece of jewelry or shoes. Trying to see what he might be seeing, or not seeing. 

"It's because there's no butler at the door, isn't it?" an attempt at a joke, not really funny, but light-hearted enough to give them some amusement. 

JJ shrugged, almost smiling, "I mean, I'd be lying if I said I hadn't been hoping to see at least one diamond chandelier."

The lack of extravagance inside the extravagant home surprised, and disappointed many people. They came expecting marble statues and twinkling chandeliers lining every hallway. Secret libraries and passageways. And yet, they'd walk inside to find absolutely none of that. It hadn't been built to be any of that. It was a home. Yes, flashy and expensive in some areas, but a home nonetheless. 

We aren't the King and Queen of England, and this certainly isn't a castle. It's not a museum, either. It's a home ─ our home, that's all we need it to be. They never needed flashy, just comfortable. That's what Nova's mom thought, anyway. 

"Yeah, sorry about that," said Nova, pretending to cringe at the idea of her not having diamond chandeliers in her home. As if it was an embarrassment. "Our place in Paris, though..." she glanced at him, a ghost of a smile playing at her lips. 

"Paris?" 

Nova nodded. 

JJ laughed, "Diamond chandeliers?" 

"Halls just lining with them," she said. 

Nova was telling the truth, kind of. 

There was a home in Paris. And it did have beautiful, custom-made chandeliers. And it had been their home for a while. Until it wasn't anymore. 

The home in Paris was sold after her mom died. And so many other homes they had around the globe. It wasn't like they needed them anymore. Lincoln traveled alone now. His kids were old enough to decide they wanted to be home more. As privileged as it sounds, Nova and Nolan didn't want to travel to a new place every other week, they wanted to sleep in their own bedrooms, hang out with their friends, and even go to school. So, the homes had been sold, and now Lincoln moved from hotel room to hotel room. Or he'd buy a small condo for the places his work most often took him. 

JJ smiled, as if imagining a home in Paris, the ceilings lined with sparkling, diamond chandeliers. Butlers at the door. A fountain outside the front door with a marble statue carved by some artist whose name he couldn't pronounce. He imagined being the kind of rich that existed in the movies. 

Nova watched that scene ─ that movie, play in the light of his eyes. She imagined the butlers, diamonds, and fountains. And it was exciting. It was a life she could have if she wanted. But also a life that she didn't know. 

When she caught his gaze everything stopped. She was ripped out of the fake scenario she'd been imagining. The smile that was once on her lips fell. And she blinked. 

It was real. The beating in her chest. The teeth piercing through the skin inside her lip and the blood filling her mouth. It was quiet again. The only sound was the quiet hum of the air conditioning falling into her room from the vents in her ceiling. Casting an ice bath over them. 

"Why?" she asked. 

Nova stepped away from her nightstand, toward him. 

His eyebrows furrowed, though his eyes never strayed, "Why what?"

Nova took another step, "Why are you in love with me?" 

She told herself she didn't want to know why. But maybe she did. Why else would she have asked? 

Nova took another step toward him, the distance between the two of them slowly disappearing. Her skin burned so hotly, she should be glowing red. And her heart, just beneath her chest, thundered against it. Threatening to break through bone and tear through her skin. It pained her, and yet, she let it continue. 

Another step.

The distance between them closed. Almost completely. JJ watched, looking down every time she took another step toward him, and then his eyes would go to her, as if to make sure she knew what she was doing. It was clear she didn't, but neither did he. So, he didn't stop her. Not yet. 

"Honestly?" JJ asked, his eyes that had dropped to the floor, to watch that final space between them close, lifted back up to her slowly. Nova nodded, and he shrugged. "I don't have a fucking clue," he told her, throwing his hands up into the air, laughing, but none of this was funny, or it was funny, but not in the humorous kind of way. "I have no fucking idea why I'm in love with you, because trust me, it's the last thing I wanted to do. I wouldn't have chosen this. It's more strife than not."

Nova watched him. Listened to him talk. And offered not a word in response. 

"And you want to know something else, princess?" this time JJ didn't wait for her nod to continue, he just went on. "You're a pain in my ass. You're spoiled, whiny, and god, so annoying with your little skirts and obsession with One Direction. I mean, give me a break!"

He laughed again, his finger pointing at her, almost touching the tip of her nose, Nova didn't move, "Nothing has gone right since you walked into my life, Nova Scott. You've done went and messed up my entire life..." JJ shook his head, his hair falling onto his forehead. "You want to know why I'm in love with you? I don't know, okay? Sorry, it's not that great of an answer. But I am. I am in love with you."

Her eyebrows rose up, "Is that all?"

JJ looked at her, confused, he'd been expecting her to yell, to scream at him, to tell him to get lost and that she never wanted to see him again in her life. 

He nodded, "Yeah, that's all."

Another step.

She couldn't take another.

They weren't even separated by the tip of a needle anymore. 

Nova looked at him, and watched JJ swallow, his eyes stuck on her, hands at his side. He wouldn't touch her. Wouldn't break that rule.

"I want you to kiss me."

JJ's gaze wandered from her lips, up to her eyes, and he looked, eyebrows furrowed, confused. He blinked

JJ hadn't heard a word she said. 

"What?" he asked. 

His voice was low and tired. He was worn out, just like her. 

"I want you to kiss me," she told him again, her eyes staring into his, urging him to remember that short, fleeting moment they shared in that old, rusted truck. In the middle of the night, the only light from a flickering streetlamp and the yellow dots of fireflies in the field across the street. The night he hovered over her. The night she hadn't been able to get out of her head. He'd told her he wouldn't kiss her again. Not unless she asked him to. "Kiss me, JJ. I'm asking you to ─"

She hadn't needed to finish reminding him. He'd remembered. He remembered her telling him that he couldn't kiss her again, and something in his chest sank so low he felt like he couldn't breathe, but he didn't show her ─ couldn't. But he knew she was right. A girl in love with his best friend, he knew there was a line, and he'd already crossed it, he wouldn't do it again. He wouldn't kiss her again. Not unless she wanted him to. 

He didn't need reminding. 

His touch was like a strike of lighting. Everywhere he touched lit up with electricity. It shot through her entire body. Brought her to her toes, and made her cling so tight to the folds of his flannel that her knuckles turned white. She was stuck in a lighting store. Burning from the inside out. For a second it was as if she might die. And then, once standing in the midst of the storm ─ she felt JJ's tongue slide lightly over her bottom lip, his nails crumpling the light fabric at her waist as he held onto her waist, pulling her closer and closer to him. 

He smelled like firewood and saltwater. Tasted like cheap beer, weed, and old, drugstore chapstick. Nova smiled against his lips. Her hands ran up, along his chest, behind his neck, and became tangled in his hair. 

Suddenly, he was standing across the room from her. 

When she opened her eyes, the burning inside her, the tingling on her skin slowly fading away, and she missed it, Nova looked at him. JJ's eyes were wide, his cheeks red, skin burning just like Nova's had been. 

"What?" Nova is the first to speak. 

The room was cold again. 

He shakes his head, eyes filled with something like regret, "I tell you that you've messed up my entire life and you're asking me to kiss you?" 

It's disgust in JJ's tone. Nova doesn't know if it's meant for her or himself. 

She shrugs, "So?"

"You're drunk, Nova," he scoffs. 

He turns his head to the side, away from her, to look at the balcony doors. Left open just a bit, enough to let the breeze of the night sweep through her room, tangling her curtains as it rushes through them. 

Nova knows then was this is about. 

"I'm not drunk," she tells him, still looking at him even though he won't turn to face her ─ to look at her. It was too tempting. The feel of her berry-flavored chapstick still stinging his lips, the sweet taste in his mouth. "I'm not, really," her voice was calm, even. "I know what I'm asking for... I know what I want."

JJ sighed. A second later he was looking at her again. He'd seen her drinking. Known she'd done shots and had her cups filled with expensive liquor. But that'd been a while ago now. And on the way home she hadn't stumbled once, not even when she tore off her shoes and walked along gravel barefoot. She'd made it up her staircase made up of a million stairs without his help ─ without even glancing back at him. 

It had just been an excuse. Convincing himself that she was drunk was his way out. To absolve himself of the guilt inside him, eating away. He'd listened to his best friend just this morning talk about the heart that had just been ripped from his chest. And here he stood, tongue down the throat of the girl who held that very heart, the blood still fresh, dripping down her hand, slithering around her fingers. He loved her. Wanted her. And he hated himself for that. So, he tried to think of a way out of it. 

And maybe he wanted a way out so that he could be gone before Nova realized it wasn't him that she was wanting. 

"I've never really liked the feeling of being drunk," Nova told him with a shrug, she risked a step toward him, making sure she was steady, not wanting him to think she was lying. "When everything is foggy and spinning, and it's like your brain can't form thoughts, it makes me dizzy... confused." she shakes her head, another step toward him, and he didn't move. "It's easy to pretend, though."

She blinked bringing a hand slowly up to where her dress was tied at her shoulder, she pulled at the fabric, loosening it, letting it fall, untied. She did the same to the other shoulder, the fabric falling loose around her arm. Her dress was still on. Though, all it would take was one swift yank, or pull, and it wouldn't be anymore. Nova took another step, once again closing the space that JJ had put between them. She could tell he knew what she did, about the dress, one move, that's all. 

Was it an invitation? 

Nova leaned into him, her lips brushing his ear, and warm breath tickling down his neck, he stiffened as she whispered, "I want you, JJ,"

She pulled back, looking at him again, JJ's eyes lingering on her lips. Lips that were aching and cold without his on them. 

"Are you sure?"

Nova nodded, "I'm done playing pretend."

JJ only needed to hear her say it. 

His lips founder hers again. Crashing into them harder than he ever had before. His hands cupped her cheeks, back straightened as he pulled her up to him, their chests touching, hearts beating in sync. He breathed in sharply through his nose, Nova never heard him release that breath. 

In an attempt to be closer, as close as possible, they'd backed into the dresser beside her bedroom door. A few perfumes and bottles of nail polish toppled over. Neither of them paid any mind as their lips became swollen red. JJ lifted her with ease, putting her on top of the dresser, moving to stand between her legs that wrapped around his torso without any thought or warning. She felt the vibrations of his laugh as his lips trailed from her lips, down to her neck, her head, falling back so easily to give him access to it all. His hands burned the skin on her thigh, under the white fabric of her dress that began to bunch up at her hips. He'd scar her, leave reminders of him, of where he's been, of where she'd let him touch her. A grin broke out on her lips at the thought of it. 

Higher and higher JJ's hands explored. A little bit of confidence was gained with every inch they moved. Nova pulled him in tighter, a need inside of her growing, burning her again from the inside out. She pulled his flannel, and JJ let it fall to the ground before his hands once again attached to her thigh, this time sliding higher than they'd been before. She brought her lips down to his again, not being able to go without him. Her hands traveled up his shirt, his skin beneath was hot, glistening. She roamed upward until he had to raise his hands above his head, so she could bring the white shirt over it, tossing it aside carelessly, not even bothering to watch where it landed before her head fell back again, nearly knocking into the mirror behind her, attached to the dresser, his lips kissing along her neck, jaw, chest, the dress obscuring him from anymore. 

"Do it," she breathed. 

He didn't have to ask what she meant. 

With one swift pull, Nova's dress was off, tossed aside somewhere. The nighttime breeze swept over her. JJ looked at her. From her legs to her bare chest, finally to her face. She watched him swallow, and he nodded. 

"What?" she asked, not knowing how to feel as she sat beneath his burning, blue stare. 

"You're beautiful," he told her. 

And he said the word as if he'd been saving it. As if it had been the first time he'd ever said it before. 

He lifted her off the dresser, her hand around his neck and legs tightly wrapped around his torso, he carried Nova to her bed, laying her down, crawling on top of her, hovering, just like it'd been in the truck. 

JJ took a moment, just to look at her, Nova bit the inside of her swollen lip, and he kissed her again. He leaned down, hand sliding beneath her back to press her against him. Skin to skin, each of their fire wrapping around one another. It was pleasure and pain all at once. Nova had never felt anything like it before. 

With the hand that wasn't pulling her up, into him, he used to cup her cheek, but slowly it began to make its way downward, stopping for a second at her neck, his calloused thumb running along the front, from under her chin to her chest, up and down, and then his hands were eager for more, wanted to know more of her. It stopped again on her chest, finding something else to cup ─ to caress. 

Nova broke from the kiss, JJ, worried, looked down at her, and she held his gaze before it fell down to where her hands had found themselves, at the waistband of his jeans. She gulped and looked back up at him. 

"Nova."

His voice was low, hoarse, and quiet. And like a match scraped against sandpaper, something inside her awoke, burned at the sound of her nap coming from his lips. She wanted to hear it again, and again, and again. 

Nova rolled her eyes, "I hate it when you say my name like that."

JJ licks his lips and grins, a smirk on his lips that makes her want to slap and kiss him at the same time.

He bends down, his lips pressing slightly against the spot just under her ear, Nova shivered and bit the inside of her lip, "Like what?"

"Like it lives inside your mouth," she ran her thumb over his lips, watching, just before raising her gaze, meeting the stare that never left her. "Like it's been allowed to get comfortable there."

He breathed out a laugh, head dipping to kiss her, his hand again running beneath her back, tracing the length of her spine. Her fingers pressed into his back, her head falling back and her eyes closed. He wanted more of her ─ needed more. He'd trace her body with his lips if she'd let him. JJ kissed her jaw and neck. Paying a little more attention to the spot beside her ear, the spot that made her breathing stop and her chest tighten. He bit lightly at the sensitive skin and then kissed the slight pain away. He smiled every time a sound came from her parted, swollen, red lips. 

She knew what he was doing. With the nips and kisses beside her ear. He left a mark of himself, a reminder. An indentation in the shape of him, on her skin. 

Nova's hands easily slipped past the waistband of JJ's jeans. He took in a sudden, sharp breath, nearly collapsing on top of her, caught only by his forearm that had moved to rest above Nova's head. His forehead stopped to lay against hers, and his mouth opened as his breathing quickened, hot against her lips. 

"Jesus Christ, Nova," 

His head slid into the crook of his neck. Nova watched the rise and fall of his back with each heavy breath he took. The hand that wasn't under the waistband of his pants worked the button, undoing it, making things easier, and more accessible for her. Hot breath hit Nova's neck as JJ managed to breathe out a shocked laugh, and she could feel every muscle in his body tense, and then release, only to tense again right after. 

He began kissing along the side of her neck again, along her shoulder, Nova's eyes closed, savoring this ─ all of this. 

"Say it." 

He kissed her lips, "Say what?"

"Say it."

With an arm resting on either side of her head, JJ pulled himself up, hovering over her. 

Nova looked at him, her eyes wide and cheeks flushed, waiting. 

"I love you,"

The words took her over. Made her nerves disappear. Made her forget that this was the first time she'd ever been in her bed like this, with someone ─ anyone else. 

Nova gasped suddenly, eyes closing tight. 

Those words had been the only thing she needed to hear. 

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( 𝗻𝗼𝘃𝗮'𝘀 𝗰𝗵𝗮𝗽𝘁𝗲𝗿 𝗼𝘂𝘁𝗳𝗶𝘁𝘀 & 𝗼𝗽𝗮𝗹 𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗴 )

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𝒂𝒖𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒓'𝒔 𝒏𝒐𝒕𝒆:

Why did this chapter take me a month to write? Like, it wasn't even that I took a break, it actually took me a month to write and edit this chapter. Insane! But, I do think I'm happy with the end result. Maybe. We'll see with time.

And we're back to single Nova! It's been a while since she's been around. What're we thinking about her and JJ though... I mean is all this a good idea, is she jumping in head first, too soon? I also kind of already miss and feel so bad for doing this to John B!

And, as always... tell me all your thoughts. I wanna know everything. Tell me all your theories and opinions. What do you guys think of the direction the story is going in so far? What do you think is in the making with this little love triangle? Comment, comment, comment!

𝐱𝐨𝐱𝐨