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maroon stains your fingertips, your body coated with blood like a blanket. you cradle yourself with horror, muddling your eyes with a deep crimson river that flowed from your best friend. you didn't know what to do, your mind was swirling with confusion, dizziness kissing your scalp as if it was longing to be inside your mind. a gentle wave splashes over you, leaving you in a cold that washes the blood away from your figure and into the sea. a grand being, the spirit siblings of your people, a tulkun presents himself in front of you. a moment is shared between the two of you, as you look back at the decaying body of your friend. your hands bitter with the cold night air rub over your face, in disbelief in what had happened before you ended up in this state.

when it sinks in what has happened, you scream. you scream as loud as you could, your throat growing sore and your lungs vibrating until exhaustion.

the world blurred as your eyes landed on the tulkun and your ears started to buzz with noise as you heard your mother calling out to you. but you didn't react. you started to curl up into yourself again, hoping to find some comfort with yourself, wet with despair and grief of the loss of your best friend. you didn't understand what was happening when the sounds of a million footsteps surrounded you. so many voices asked you what had happened yet you had no answer, you had no voice. from where you sat, you could still see the tulkun in front of you. his eyes looking at you as if no one else was around as if he didn't want to leave your side in case something happened. you were thankful, until your mother's voice crashed into your mind. "you!" you hear her yell, even without looking at her, you can feel she was pointing at the tulkun in front of you, "this is all your fault!" her voice was full of accusation and pain, echoing throughout the open air as the voices of the other metkayina na'vi hushed into whispers.

"my daughter had to watch someone die because of you! you've already been outcast, stop coming back!" she continued to yell. you couldn't move, reality hitting you once more. she was dead because of you not because of the innocent tulkun in fron of you, but when you tried to refute what your mother was saying nothing came out of your mouth. not only were your lips stuck together with the glue that was shock, but so was your body. you could not find the strength to stand up and yell at your mother, beg for the tulkun's innocence, you could not feel the world around you. the only thing you could feel in that moment was you sister, wrapping her arms around you and laying your head on top of her shoulder.

"you are alright now, we're all here for you. calm sister, i am here," you heard her voice enter your brain, her voice calming you down as you felt yourself melt into her. more yells can be heard but you weren't sure if it was your mother or someone from the clan, everything was muffled as the surroundings felt miles away.

the next couple minutes, or maybe even hours, felt like the sun peaking through the clouds where you could only feel bits and parts until the sun fully came out. that for you was when you were sitting down in the middle of the medical marui pod. your sister sat beside you while stroking your arm to ensure that you were stable enough to stay up.

"what happened out there?" she asked. you turn your head to look at her. her beautiful face that shined with polyphemus acting as a halo behind her, glowing a bright blue. if anyone would believe you, it was her. but before you can even open your mouth to spill the truth your brother came storming into the pod.

"where is she? is she okay?" he asks, his voice assertive yet full of worry. he also sounded out of breath, as if he rushed his way over.

"she's here! but be gentle, she's still shaken up," your sister calls out to him, waving her arm out to signal where you were. as much as you love your brother, you knew that telling him your side of the story he would not believe you with who was involved. unintentionally a shaky breath leaves your mouth as he gets closer and closer. what was not helping your nerves was the spear that he was holding in his hand. even though that was a sign that he was out to hunt whatever had hurt you, you knew it would've been futile as nothing had hurt you while you were out there. the blood that was spilled was only your friend's and not yours, and her blood would then go on to stain your hands like the juice of a berry for the rest of your life.

"how are you? where were you? why were the two of you out there?" your brother asks, he kneeled down in front of you with a hand on your shoulder, a symbol of comfort.  immediately overwhelming you with questions that your brain could not comprehend. you blink at him, your eyes wide holding nothing but a scared look.

"don't ask so many questions. she's barely able to move, much less talk," your sister chastises him. pushing him away, but not hard enough to knock him over. he shrugs her off, not wanting to talk to him as his focus stays on you as he lets out a small sign.

"are you hurt?" he asks, his voice softer than it was before. you shake your head to let him know that you were not the one hurt. relief seemed to wash over him as he closed his eyes and nodded his head, his hand dragging down his face looking like he was thinking, "good."

something that stung more about this situation was that your brother was promised to your best friend, as she was to be the next tsahik while he was to be the next olo'eyktan. despite the two being young, they had a connection that was indescribable, it made your brother different than his usual brute self. and your recklessness was what caused her death. her future was promising and you felt like yours was doomed because of this. you wanted to give a waterfall of apologies to him, to tell him everything was your fault and that maybe, just maybe, it should've been you instead of her. yet when you opened your mouth to speak, all that came out was a cry. the cry was full of pity, for your weak self and grief for the loss in your life. worried sounds could be heard from your sister and from your brother as they hovered on your sides, comforting you to their best abilities as you broke down in their arms. a tender moment of sibling love was shared between you all, uniting you underneath the night sky.

as your tears die down, you look up to see your mother with a cup in front of you. she brings it closer to you with a look that told you to take it and you did so with shaky hands, your sister supports you with her hands out underneath yours. the cup was warm and smelt like the herbs that were used to assist someone to sleep when they had trouble doing so. when you realized why your mother gave you that drink specifically, you downed the drink not minding the burning sensation that seared your tongue. and it didn't take long before the effects took over your mind, lulling you into a restful sleep.

the next time you woke up it felt like a couple days had passed. though you had lived through the past couple of days, they felt like a blur, unlike today where you felt as if you could actually identify everything that was happening around you. tonight you had to live through the day, as it was your best friend's funeral. you let out an unsteady breath as tsireya helped you get ready. she placed a headpiece against your forehead that looked much like hers. a shell in the middle of your forehead with seaweed cascading down the sides of your face and tied together at the back of your head. she prepared a different pair of tops and bottoms for you and helped you tie it on, before putting on her own funeral clothing.

during the time you were out, your mother had decided that tsireya would be the next tsahik and rule the village alongside aonung. aonung was now able to choose any mate he wanted without her being bound to a role. you were happy for your sister, as she was one who seemed truly tied to eywa but you your happiness for her could not outside the grief that striked your heart. you gave that role to her by taking it from another. your father had also decided that you were not to be left alone for a long period of time until it was time for your iknimaya. for the sake of making sure that you didn't go through another event like that one. you still had yet to tell anyone what really happened that day, and you were afraid that you still wouldn't be able to. talking was still hard to this day and you didn't know who would believe you.

since tsireya was going to be the next tsahik, they were going to celebrate her new role during the day, then have your friend's funeral in the night. you didn't know how to feel about going through such a joyous event then a sorrowful one, though you know that your static state wasn't going to change any time soon. you felt tsireya gently take your hand and take you out of the pod into the warm daylight, the sunbeams soaking into your skin allowing a comfortable feeling to soak in your skin. a small smile finds its way to your face after a long time as your eyes see how peaceful the ocean looked compared from a couple days ago. perhaps your mind healed with time and with the sea. 

even though you didn't remember much from the event since you had stood in your place the whole time, tsireya's ceremony was full of calamity and pleasantries. since she was only being named the next tsahik, or a tsakarem, it was a more simple ceremony compared to the grand ones that would usually be put on by your clan. you all were standing by the seawall that curled more into a circle while tsireya and your parents stood in the middle.

"may eywa bless you with her heart as you continue our connect to her," your mother says, placing a hand on tsireya, finishing up the ceremony. at this time, the sun was setting and the moons of pandora were starting to poke up from behind the skyline. the clan dispersed knowing that it was time to prepare for the funeral that was going to happen in only a couple hours time. you stayed where you sat until aonung came up to you, hands on hip as he looked down on you and you looked up at him.

"let's go ride ilu until it's time for the funeral, it'll make you feel better," he offers, sticking a hand out while waiting for you to take it. you stare at his hand, the offer was tempting enough for you to take his hand as he pulled you up. he patted your back once before the both of you bounced down the layers of the seawall and into the water. your knees were soon buried in the sea as you waited for some ilu to come over to the two of you after aonung called out to them. and until the call from a conch shell beckons for the both of you to come back to the ceremonial grounds, the two of you spend time re-exploring the ocean. staying mostly under the water since you had missed being in the ocean and you did not even realize that you missed it.

breaching the surface of the water, you look to aonung as he had been above the water before you. he looked to where the funeral would be held and back at you. there was a distant look in your eyes as you stared at the ceremonial site. the night sky had made the area glow with content yet the occasion it was going to be used for didn't feel calm, it felt painful. guilt washed over you once more as you slowly swam over with aonung. you both got off your ilus as you went into place, aonung places a hand behind you back as you wait for things to begin. not too long after tsireya joined the both of you, rotxo following you guys not too long after.

not too long after your mother and father took their place in the middle of everyone, your mother reciting the words that would usually be said during a funeral. reminding everyone that energy was borrowed, and it was time for your best friend to be sent back to eywa to rest with the great mother. seeing her on the canoe, being brought in by her parents, watching her slowly slip out of the boat and sink into the ocean with such serenity brought tears to your face. tears that silently cascaded faster down your face as you watch her parents dip down and bring her into the arms of eywa. when they come back up without her you feel a hole develop in your heart. this time she was truly gone.

for the first time in almost a week, you finally spoke through your tears.

"i miss her."

and you didn't speak again for another three years.