And you never know, there will come a time in life, you could just sigh at the very parts of executing your own role of that situation,but you didn't do it expertly, the way it had to be done,but whatever you did or how,was planned.

Everything was planned.

With the each leaf departing from the edge of branches of our pine tree,with each season unveiling and restarting above our roof,there was a pattern of existing reality,a shard of future,a shade of past. It all was planned so skillfully that you only could play yourself as a puppet.

I too was unaware of it,untill Husna came into my life, and then what we started to live as a real life. Because life was not holding its significance so sincerely before that. Ma had not been smiling like this,I hadn't been weaving newborn hopes,desires and emotions,we didn't felt so alive before,we hadn't been so desperate for keeping each other closer. These all seemed new,so sublime and tinkling. If I had thought my life without how it already was,there would be a rueful axe thrown at my heart.

And all that bloomed among these,was gratefulness. The appreciation and acknowledgement was a must for me,as I had got what I never expected nor wished. But I would kill to live in that moment.

"Baba is furious,he might come here anytime. . . . . to take me" Husna said,her fingers twirling the hem of bedsheet. Beside it,a grievance looked to sprout in her eyes .

" why would he? " I said. With an wondering tone as I wasn't aware of things. Things,that happened when I wasn't even here.

" They didn't take this welly-I mean-my living here with Ma without you " She said,as if something guilty she had uttered.

" that's pretty normal for any parents,I will make them understand,I will apologize and promise that you will be happy here" I said in an assuring tone. I noticed the her fingertips were calm now, resting on Ma's backpalm. Slow caressing continued as she talked in a low tone.

" What if they don't understand? " A fearful question it was. I was left wordless. After gathering some wits from my brain,I told her more assuringly,

" I will try my best,if not-you-you may go. . . . with them" the last words came as a whisper. The words somehow straightened her sentiments perpendicularly,as she looked serious,her eyes grew passionate and a questioning look floating there. I felt no good uttering those words,it was excruciating.

" It's not about you,I stayed actually. . . I have lately realized,it was for Ma,I couldn't leave the house" she said. Though it was out of topic,it was true. That did pierce my heart. I felt the pit of my stomach churning, a wrenching pain rising from there.

Maybe, I had made a mistake, thinking too much of me and Husna. Too much of my fondness,too much of her.

There was Ma,the one who held the strings from beginning,of our relation. The reason,the medium,all was she.

I had forgotten,but Husna had not.

" Yes,It is true that I could hold myself here because of the letters you wrote,the pleadings you made,the emotions you flowed through my veins. But all above,I felt it like murdering,to leave an ill person on her own. Her eyes wouldn't have let me go. . . " a dry chuckle left Husna's glib,she was hardly putting her sentences properly,some parts of her words were only whispers,as if she kept narrating those to herself with her kness hugged to her chest,in that cold corner of balcony. I sat across her,my one thigh stretched and another laid idly on the white marble designed tiles.

" I have loved you,Bilal. . . . . But perhaps- not more than Ma "

She now looked direct in my eyes,as if asking for a help, crescent moon shaped lines were drawn under her eyelids symbolizing her sleeplessness.
I,for a second, took those eyes guilty for not loving me more.

A gust of silence bypassed us,the wind of a new spring.

" And I love you thousands times more for loving her. I have never thought myself worthy of your love,Husna. But you,you have shown a love anyone can hardly possess "

I could see a smile widening on her lips. The lips,which were not rosy or glossy. They had a shade of gray and blue. But a deep purple had plastered the corners. The liveliness of them was sucked out. As I kept thinking about them,Husna said,a little bending on her knees,

" Why did you marry me,Bilal?"

The same question, she asked me on the first day of our married life. After all the sobbing at night,when her eyes were grown billowy, reddened like blood. And I had told her, I married you because you are needed to me in every step of my life. I am grateful to you forever. I can never be rude to you,not even a spoon amount.

But now, I replied her,a half truth,

" Because I loved you before I knew you."

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