"I'm sorry..."

The words repeated themselves in Yeosang's head, when he quietly closed the door to his home behind him. With a sigh he hung up his jacket and put his shoes away, but every time the reply San had given him ran through his mind, everything inside of him hurt a little bit more.

With a gentle hand he closed the coat closet, but as he did he couldn't stop staring at his hand while it was pressed against the door. He could still feel the small squeeze San had given him around his hand before they parted, a touch Yeosang desperately had wished to never end. San was happy with someone else, and to dwell on the past would only cause Yeosang pain.

"Where have you been?" Seonghwa looked at him over the top of the newspaper, sitting in his usual spot at the big dining table.

Yeosang froze. The question didn't come as a surprise, given that he had been out all day, but he still felt completely startled, as he stared back at Seonghwa.

"Just out."

On his way home Yeosang had forgotten all about the rage he had felt, when discovering the truth about his and San's sudden breakup, too overwhelmed with the despair of San being in a happy relationship with someone else. But now, standing in the kitchen of his home, with the person who had been responsible for breaking him and San up, the anger soon returned.

Yeosang stared into the refrigerator for a bit too long, not even looking for anything in particular - not something he would be able to find squeezed in between vegetables and cartons of milk anyway. While the anger was raging through him, the lack of courage to let it out was holding him back.

"How was the interview?" Seonghwa then asked, followed by the rustling sound of him turning a page in the newspaper that indicated how little he actually cared about the answer, but the polite thing to do was to ask.

"Fine."

Grabbing a bottle of water, Yeosang closed the refrigerator again, and slowly he walked through the kitchen to sit down on the opposite side of the dining table. Yeosang tapped his fingers against the bottle, and the ring on his fingers was caught by the light from the chandelier above. The glistening, beautiful ring that symbolized how very opposite his marriage to Seonghwa actually was.

"Why did you marry me?" Surprised hearing his own words come out, Yeosang felt his cheeks turn warm in an instant. His eyes moved hesitantly towards the older across from him, but only briefly dared to look directly at him.

"What?"

Seonghwa finally put the paper down, and with a brow raised he looked back at Yeosang with his usual burning glare.

"You hate me. So why did you do it?"

"Are you trying to start another pointless argument with me again?" Seonghwa sighed with his hands folded in front of him. "I'm not in the mood today, Yeosang."

"And I'm not in the mood for any more lies!" Yeosang shouted as he suddenly jumped up from his seat and slammed his palms flat against the table. The sound caused Seonghwa to flinch and his eyes widened up for a brief moment, before returning to their normal indifferent state.

Waiting for an answer Yeosang straightened his posture, he raised his chin a bit to show he didn't fear a potential fight. In fact, he hoped for it. He wished that Seonghwa would lose his temper, that the older would yell at him - at least that would mean he would show some kind of actual emotion.

Seonghwa stared at him, while neatly folding the newspaper on the table. He smoothened it out with his palm with long, slow strokes, and each second that passed by felt like an eternity.

"Eight years," he then calmly said. "We've been married for eight years, and you're asking me that now?"

"Yes."

"Let me make one thing clear." The chair was pushed backwards and Seonghwa then walked around the table to stand right behind Yeosang. His lips stroked down Yeosang's ear, and his cold whisper made Yeosang shiver. "I do not hate you. If I did, it would mean that I actually felt anything towards you."

A small gasp jumped from Yeosang's lips when he felt Seonghwa's hand around his own. The older raised it up, and slowly tipped it from side to side to let the diamond ring catch the lighting.

"What is it that you want?" Yeosang asked. His voice was a whisper as well, but compared to his husband's, it was hoarse and shaking. "Is it my father's company? You can have it, I don't care!"

"It's not about the company." The grip around Yeosang's hand tightened so much it started to hurt, and from the corner of his eye, Yeosang could sense how Seonghwa was still staring at the wedding ring.

Fear was crawling under his skin, and Yeosang forgot all the anger and questions he wanted to ask. But then, Seonghwa suddenly let go and walked away. Hesitantly, Yeosang looked over his shoulder before turning around. He held onto the edge of the table behind him, and with sincere curiosity he whispered into the room.

"Wouldn't you rather spend your life with someone you actually love? With someone who loves you too?"

Seonghwa stopped just as he was about to leave the kitchen. His right hand was resting against the doorframe, and his shoulders dropped down. It wasn't much, but it was enough for Yeosang to notice, and the small change made his eyes widen up. Seonghwa never showed any reaction to anything Yeosang did or said, beside slight annoyance at times - but just as Yeosang got his hopes up for a useful conversation to happen, he got disappointed yet again.

No words came from the older when he left the kitchen, and Yeosang was left alone with the way too familiar kind of conversation between the two of them - silence.

♡

Too cold, too hot, too cold again. Yeosang kept stirring around on the bed, flinging the duvet away only to pull it back over him a few minutes later. He stared into the darkness of the bedroom, rubbing his temples while long, dragged out sighs kept streaming from his lips.

He had been drinking alone again, sitting in the kitchen with a bottle of wine that had become empty way too fast. With a heavy head and an even heavier heart he had finally went to bed, only to end up lying wide awake.

"Yes, I would." Seonghwa suddenly said next to him, and the sound of his voice caused Yeosang to flinch. He had assumed the older had fallen asleep long ago, despite his own restless moving around.

"W-What?"

"I would much rather spend my life with someone I actually love. But, I can't."

"What do you mean?" Yeosang rolled over to lie on his stomach, and pushed himself up to have his elbows pressed against the bed.

He had to tread carefully. Seonghwa had never spoken to him in that tone before, it was almost... Vulnerable? It had only happened once before, many years ago, that the older had opened up. But with everything that had happened afterwards, Yeosang had assumed it had been nothing but a cheap trick to lure him back into hell.

"I can't, because he doesn't love me back." A heavy sigh followed, and the bed waved slightly under them, as Seonghwa rolled onto his side to face Yeosang. "And it's my own fault."

"I dont understand..."

"I've done everything to push him away, because I knew that in the end I wouldn't be enough of a man for him. I went to tawdry nightclubs behind his back, I flirted with other guys to boost my own self-esteem. Ironic how I tried to drown out the one thing I thought would put an end to us, by creating another ending."

"Seonghwa, what are you-"

"I was born into power, we both were. Molded to become something great, leaders, to act, speak, to be a certain way. To dominate this world. And I couldn't stand the thought of the needs I felt inside of me. I felt so disgusted by my own desires, as it clashed with the way I was brought up to be. That's why I did what I did. That's why I went out to find those kind of guys. Those submissive ones, to prove to myself where I belonged."

Yeosang bit his lip in confusion. He had no idea what Seonghwa was talking about, nor where he was going with his long speech, but something inside of him didn't feel right - a strange feeling was spreading in his stomach, rapidly.

"It was wrong, I know that. I told myself that it was worth the guilt, if it could help me... But when I found out about you and Choi San... I felt humiliated. Even more than the thousand of times I was so dangerously close to ask you what I really wanted."

"I really don't understand..." Yeosang shook his head lightly. He had a slight suspicion of what the older was talking about, but if that was the case it didn't make sense at all.

A quiet yelp jumped out, when he suddenly felt Seonghwa grab him and pull him over to lie on top. Even in the darkness the older's dark eyes were burning into his, and Yeosang was staring back even more confused than before.

His hands were pressed against Seonghwa's chest, as he tried to keep a fair distance between them even in that position, the one he years ago had wished for - but now only hoped to get away from.

"Why are you telling me all of this?" Yeosang mumbled, startled when Seonghwa gently stroked down his cheek. "I know you were the one to break San and I up. Why?"

Seonghwa twirled his fingers in between the locks of Yeosang's hair, then with soft strokes the touch went down Yeosang's neck, but stopped at the collar of his pajama shirt. It didn't come from the person Yeosang had hoped for, but in his drunken state of mind he couldn't help but think how wonderful it was to be touched by another person again.

"Isn't it obvious?" Seonghwa whispered and his soft lips brushed against the skin of Yeosang's neck. "Choi San was no match for someone like you."

"A-and you think you are?"

"No."

The unexpected reply made Yeosang snap his eyes wide open. He stared at Seonghwa, and it wasn't until now that he truly began to wonder what was going on. Seonghwa had never let him lie on top of him, not even in the most innocent of ways back when they first started dating. And he had never spoken in that strange, soft voice either.

"I know I've made mistakes, a lot of them." The older's whisper was tickling against Yeosang's ear, and it felt so wrong but at the same time so intriguing. "And everything I did was to suppress the thing I really wanted."

A sudden move of the older's body resulted in Yeosang being in between his legs. Yeosang remembered when they dated in high-school, how much he had wanted for them to be together that way. To feel Seonghwa under him, to touch and take him hard until the bed was about to collapse under them. He had wanted it so badly, but he knew it would never happen because Seonghwa would never agree to it.

So, the confusion he felt right now was very much justified.

"You can't be serious?" He asked with a hoarse voice, as his eyes slowly closed at the gentle touch from Seonghwa's hands. "A-are you saying you first ruined our relationship, then the one I found with someone else - only because you couldn't admit that you-... It doesn't make you weak, or any less of a person, you know that right?"

His eyes were getting used to the darkness, and maybe it was only the shadows but Yeosang swore the look on the older's face was almost painful. He raised his hand, hesitantly, to brush away a lock of dark hair - and that was when he felt it. The tears that silently had rolled down the older's face.

"In two years you can divorce me without losing anything," Seonghwa whispered, and he moved his hand to gently close around Yeosang's. "I will leave you alone until then, if that's what you want. Or, if you let me I will do my best to make up for all those wasted years. Let me give you two years to look back on with a smile, and when the time comes we can part on good terms."

Yeosang felt lost. If Seonghwa was telling the truth, how come he had waited eight years? But then again, Yeosang knew the kind of family the older came from as it was the same as his own. The kind that didn't speak about the deeper things in life, where everyone was born into a specific role, and with the never-ending pressure trying to tear you apart.

But the older was also right, two more years and they could divorce. No matter what there was no other way around it, and if the last two years could be just a little less uncomfortable than the previous eight, Yeosang would gladly take it.

"Seonghwa..." Yeosang hummed, as his hands slid up the front of the older's navy pajama shirt, following the buttons until he reached the top one. Seonghwa's hands then stroked over his own, and led them to unbutton the navy shirt under him.

"I love you, Yeosang. If you want me, take me as you please."

♡

A/N: 🤔😇🤭