|chapter five:: fucking love you|

MY pace was slow as I walk down the hallway, seeing Ander at the end of it. He sat on the staircase, with his head in his lap, so when I reached him, I lightly tapped his shoulder. He looked up at me, exhaustion written all over his face as he met my eyes. I pressed my lips into a thin, "I heard what happened in the hallway earlier."

He groaned loudly as he rubbed his eyes, "What, the fact that I smoke weed? Or that I went toe to toe with your brother... again?"

"I heard about the pot after I was told about you and Guzman," I explained, sitting down next to him, "Guzman told me in a rant."

"Again, he's telling people my business." He huffed out.

"He was only trying to help-"

"And how is that, Adriana?" He snapped, "He had my parents raid my room and ground me, and pushing me harder into tennis. Tell me how is that helping?" I bit the inside of my cheek, unable to say anything, "I think it's because of what your family went through that he believes we are all going to suffer the same fate."

"Okay, that's a bit harsh." I announced, my brows drawn together.

"Sorry," He quickly apologized, "I just- I got a lot of shit on my mind and this was the last thing I needed. That's why I've been smoking weed."

"You could have told me," I mumbled, looking over at him, "I would have handled it a bit better than my brother, you know that, right?" He nodded, "I mean, I'm not a huge fan of drugs, but it's not like you were doing cocaine."

He nodded again before putting his head in his hands, "I don't want to go home today. I feel like they're going to make me piss in a cup." I chuckled and he let out a short laugh too, glancing over at me, "Can I hang at your place?"

"Marina and Guzman are both having company over to work on their projects," I told him, going in my bag to get my twizzlers, "And I'm going to Lu's."

I opened it and motioned it out for Ander to take, "You see, if you were my partner, we could of," I only hum as I took a twizzler, "Why didn't you want to work with me? And don't tell me it was because of Lu."

I chewed slowly and looked down at the pack of candy before at him, "Do you like how we are now?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, just us messing around, not being serious or public." I asked him and he only shrugged, so I rolled my eyes, "That's not an answer, Ander."

"Well, don't you already know how I feel?" He wondered, "I told you I wanted to tell Guzman about us."

"But why?"

"Because he's my best friend and your brother," He told me as if I didn't know, "Shouldn't he be the first to know anyways?"

"Yeah," I agreed, "But why should we if we're not serious?"

He shrugged again, taking a another twizzler, "It's just that I like you a lot, Adriana, and I don't want us to just keep messing around with each other in secret anymore." We sat in silence for a moment, before he cleared his throat, "If you don't want to tell him, it's your choice since that's your brother. I just don't want this blowing up in our faces."

"It's not," I assured, but he gave me a look.

"You act carefree, but not enough to tell people that we're seeing each other." He expressed, and I paused on chewing, "It's like you're embarrassed to be seen with me."

"Clearly not," I motioned my hands out toward the corridor as some kids walked past, "Us being together is nothing I should be ashamed of, Ander."

"Then be honest," He told me, "We've hooking up for months, Adriana, with no change. I mean, I like us- I like what we've been doing."

"Then what's the issue?"

"The issue is that I can't hold your hand right now," He huffed out, "Or that I can't kiss you in front of everyone, or that I can't tell no one but myself in the mirror that-" He paused, looking at me for a moment before looking away.

"Tell anyone what?" I asked, though I knew what it was already. I needed to hear his words sober and clear as if I never heard him say it before.

"I'm not able.." He began again, meeting my eyes again, "I'm not able to look at you and yell out loud to everyone here that I fucking love you." My body felt frozen again, only watching as he sighed and stood up from next to me. He grabbed his bag, slinging it onto his shoulder before glancing back at me, "That's the issue with us, Adriana."

He walked off and I sat on the steps still without a word to say, feeling like I could implode as I watched him walked down the hallway.

"What more is there to say?" I asked, clearly bothered, "We hooked up, that's it."

"He liked you a lot, didn't he?" She asked and I scoff.

"It's not past tense, sweetie," I give a fake smile as I corrected her, "Now, can we move on?"

"Sure, but," She paused, glancing up from her files, "We just received the autopsy report on Marina," My heart pounds loud enough to make my lungs shake as she talks to me with caution, "Adriana, did you know?"

"Did I know what?"

"Did you know that Marina was pregnant?" She asked and I felt like jelly almost instantly. If it weren't for the chair and my tight grip below the desk, I would collapse.

I sat silent, struggling with holding back the tears in my eyes. How could I forget that? How could I not remember? They killed my sister and her unborn child.

I then cleared my throat and meet the woman's eyes, trying to keep my face emotionless, "Yeah.. Yeah, I knew she was pregnant."