Book:  Crimson Rain
Author: Chloe_Roissere
Reviewer: oraclesighter
Chapters read: 19

I just want to start off by acknowledging the beautiful cover and intriguing title, it gives off an attractive appearance and great first impressions. I was drawn to the story instantly firstly because of the cover, along with the title, and then I got to the blurb and it was a concept I hadn’t read or seen before, so it sparked my curiosity and I just had to give it a read.

The blurb has numerous compelling and attention-grabbing characteristics, such as the blood falling from the sky (or, the birds, actually), along with the mention of an ancient virus that’s the cause of it. And not only birds being affected, but all kinds of animals being a part of it as well, eventually leading to their death and causing a food shortage for the majority of the population (obviously, excluding the characters who don’t consume meat). 

All the possible scenarios that are conjured up in my head after reading this blurb is what reels me in the most to want to find out what ends up happening after that. How will this affect the characters, the nations, society? What will the apocalypse look like? How do they handle the corpses of all the animals, and what do they do with the blood? And a long etcetera of other endless questions. 

In general, the concept of the story is brilliant. I’m truly captivated by the idea of this virus infecting all animals on earth and the effects of it being them bleeding out entirely. 

A problem I’ve got with this story though is that many times the characters speak unrealistically with very long, detailed sentences. I see you’re revealing information about the characters’ world through dialogue, but it’s so detailed it feels like I’m reading a history textbook. Humans usually tend to find shortcuts and subconsciously simplify everything they say, if you take a moment to observe and notice for yourself. We are never actually detailed about descriptions or stories unless we’re told to be. Especially when talking to someone who already knows all the details, like in the prologue where David explains what happened to the USGS.

Take this as an example. Imagine you and I are having a conversation over football (it’s just an example. I don’t know anything about football), and you’re telling me a story about you tripping over the ball and hurting yourself—in the same stadium we both train in. 

When telling me this story, would you explain to me what clothes you were wearing and what colors or material they were made of? Would you tell me the brand you got your ball from? Would you tell me the location of the stadium and its name? 
No, right? You’d only want to keep the IMPORTANT parts, the exciting moments that are relevant to the story. 
You’d focus on the action, especially when it comes to telling a story verbally (like characters in dialogue, such as the example with David). You’d limit descriptions as much as possible or describe things BRIEFLY, most importantly you’d focus on describing the actions. Simple, but still enough for the listener to understand. 
It’s something all humans automatically do because summarizing helps us recall information better, it saves time to keep the listener interested. It becomes easier for the listener to follow.

This applies to dialogue in stories as well. Let me rewind.

"The USGS went down in their silver thermal suits to the Yellowstone Caldera to measure the seismic activity at the rim due to all the rising steam, rising gasses and steam they all got killed."

It took me a while to try and understand what the last part of the sentence meant, but eventually I figured it out. It was confusing because you didn’t include punctuation where it was needed, and I saw that being a recurring issue a lot throughout the story. 

You need a period after the word rim, and don’t be shy to shorten your sentences and start new ones.

It makes it so much easier to read and was something I had to learn to be confident with as well, but I’ve noticed it makes a writer’s writing flow so much better when breaking up sentences instead of describing the entire thing in just one sentence.

I want to recommend an editing tool, Hemingway Editor—or even Grammarly, but I personally prefer Hemingway because it has more editing options. This can fix your grammar and let you know where you need to add punctuation or whether your sentences are too complicated. However, use it intuitively—sometimes it may mention that your sentences are too long just because you use more than two commas and can turn your sentences into ones that belong in a children’s book, so I’d recommend to mostly just use it for punctuation, ignore the rest for now.

Anyway, this dialogue can be improved by cutting out unnecessary, redundant parts—as well as including punctuation to divide the sentence, making it easier to read. Look at this:

"The USGS went down to Yellowstone Caldera to measure the seismic activity at the rim. But due to all the rising steam and gasses, they got killed." 

I want to mention again that the outfits the USGS were wearing is irrelevant in this story, since the real focus should be on how they were killed, not what they were wearing. But do you see the difference? How it flows better? As I mentioned before, humans tend to speak in a “short-cut” manner and focus on the most important parts. Especially in these scenarios, the others already know what he’s talking about, assuming they’ve worked alongside each other for a while, so they’re going to cut out details each of them already know about since it isn’t necessary to be so specific. Not to mention it’s a stressful moment, the characters are gonna shorten their sentences no matter what.

The same thing happens here in the dialogue where Susan, quote on quote, says she saw “crimson blood” pouring down at her place. 

"It was raining crimson blood all over the place." 

Both of the characters already know what color blood is, in real life when we interact with other people we all know what the color of blood is! Susan is speaking as if she were writing a poem. Do you often mention that your blood is crimson when you start bleeding? I am guessing your answer is negative. Take that and apply that same rule to when writing dialogue. 

Include color descriptions when you, the author, are describing something. Not when the character is describing something. Only writers describe the color of blood and other things that everyone on Earth already knows. It’s called creative writing for a reason. However, when we write dialogue, it’s best to stray away from having characters say obvious things.

Unless it’s an object the character has to describe, like a shirt. We all know that shirts range in color. And yes, okay, some may argue that blood has different hues and tones… But it is still the same color after all. Objects like shirts, for example, don’t necessarily have the same color, this is something that should be specified. Or the color of someone’s hair as well. 

In chapter one, I also want to mention Susan’s reaction toward the blood rain. At the start, her reaction and sheer terror toward the sudden rain of blood was accurately portrayed and very understandable, since I’m pretty sure everyone but a psychopath would react the same to witnessing blood pour from the sky. But after she picks herself up from her fall in the hallway, she completely brushes the situation off and acts as if it’s a normal thing that happens every day? 
This part was a bit confusing for me since, because of her sudden switch of reactions, I couldn’t tell whether it was the first time it began to rain blood or whether she’d already seen it before. And I find it strange that the most important thing at the forefront of her mind is to take a shower after this.

I want you to try and put yourself in the shoes of Susan.

What would be the first thing you’d do if you were her, and what is the first instinct a human being will get after witnessing such a thing? Would you shrug it off and take a nice, long warm shower that takes over an hour while there is a HAIL of BLOOD pouring out from BIRDS IN THE SKY outside? 

I doubt it. It’s an unnatural reaction that may be acceptable in cartoon shows, but if you want your story to be impactful and hit the readers hard, you need to incorporate action scenes and turn the amp up a bit on the dramatic tones of the story—not to the point that it becomes a soap opera, but have scenes where the characters react accordingly to each event that occurs. If a character is terrified in one moment after seeing something like blood rain, which must be quite scarring, they can’t go from terrified and suffering from a panic attack to suddenly getting over it and doing normal every-day things, especially with the nonchalant reaction Susan portrayed. 

But if I am wrong, and Susan had indeed witnessed the blood rain beforehand, why did she get so terrified of it? I understand it might have been a natural reaction she may not have been able to control, but I would suggest making that fact clear that she’d seen it before but  nevertheless it still startled her. 

Going back to the first scenario, in the case of her not knowing about the rain, I’d suggest to have the scene play out in this order instead:

If I imagine myself being Susan, since she has contacts with coworkers that work in a lab and, from what I can tell from the dialogue she has on call with Jason, she does have a bit of knowledge or at least a theory on that the blood rain is caused by a sort of infection with the birds (or maybe that’s just her guess, but it’s very spot-on so it makes it sound like she already knows about it), contacting them would be the first thing I’d do if I were her. 

After getting up from the hallway, Susan should instantly dial Jason and try to get an answer to the millions of questions she has in her mind (or should have in her mind, at least), like where did this blood come from, what’s up with the birds, is this happening only in Susan’s area or is it everywhere, is it dangerous, what’s going to happen next, etc etc etc. And after having that chat with Jason, THEN she can go take a shower, but it can’t be a relaxed type of shower. 

It’s such an apocalyptic scene and she’s just there having a spa day—it can’t be! She has to show some sort of distress, be quick with her movements, try to get it over as fast as she can so she can make her way over to the lab. 

Well, I momentarily talked about mechanics beforehand, but focusing entirely on mechanics this time, I suggest putting the pov character’s name in the second chapter so readers don’t get confused, and perhaps have the first chapter be some sort of prologue, but label them and put numbers on them, not just a title. 

There are also parts where dialogue is missing correct punctuation, such as when a character asks a question the sentence ends in a period when it should actually end in a question mark. Ex: "David! What on earth is going on with this volcano.” → "David! What on earth is going on with this volcano?"

I want to encourage you to, instead of telling your readers what the characters are feeling, SHOW them. There are infinite ways to show how a character feels through action rather than just writing “he looked like he was in shock,” or putting at the end of the action that the character did something “in fear, in shock, in joy.” 

Let me give you an example:

"David! What on earth is going on with this volcano?" he sputtered as he got a closer look at the man. David was pale and looked like he was in shock, his mouth opening and closing in terror."

You did a great job on SHOWING how he was in shock by mentioning the fact that he was pale, but then we come to the part where it says that he “looked like he was in shock.” 

This can be omitted since we, as readers, already understand he was shocked and terrified, considering the context of the situation as well as him becoming pale and his mouth opening and closing repeatedly as if he couldn’t get a word out. 

It’s obvious he’s shocked, you don’t need to confirm it. And if the reader doesn’t understand what a character is feeling, then you need to find more ways to show the reader what your character is feeling, do NOT straight up tell them!

"David! What on earth is going on with this volcano?" he sputtered as he got a closer look at the man. David’s face went pale, his mouth opening and closing repeatedly. He couldn’t manage to get a word out, and by the look of his wildly ruffled hair and wide eyes, it was clear that he carried dreadful news." 

Something along the lines of this would be able to tell so many emotions, and not just emotions but also include a bit of character description (ruffled hair, you could also include the color description of the hair like: ruffled black hair—just an example, not quite sure what color his hair is) which makes the scene so much more interactive and easier to imagine.

Moving on, when describing action, you don’t have to be so formal or include detailed description. Be concise and straightforward as best as possible. 

Here’s an instance in chapter one where Susan trips in the hallway after witnessing the blood rain and getting completely doused in it, but the way you describe it is not as active as it could be. It’s awkward, and I get a feeling you don’t trust the reader enough to let them understand by themselves why something just occurred. 

I hope I don’t sound too confusing, but take a look at this example I took from your story:

 “Losing her footing DUE TO the blood on her bare feet, she slid on her stomach across the polished oak floor. Screaming out in pain, Susan sucked it up and scrambled to stand; noticing all the blood that got smeared all over the entrance.”

This sentence is good, but could definitely be improved. 
The key word “due to” is the problem here. This is what I mean by that you don’t trust your readers enough to understand why something happened, or at least that’s what it comes off as. 

I also started off writing “due to” for many actions my characters did in my stories, but I understood that all it did was become redundant and slow the pacing of the story. Especially in an action scene like this, it’s important to have shorter sentences.

Even though it may not have been your intention, I still want you to know that readers are more clever than some writers may think and that they’re quick at understanding the cause-and-effect relationship, especially if it’s clearly written in a scene. I mean, you’ve included all the actions necessary to understand cause-and-effect, (Susan losing her footing and sliding across the floor) but the “due to” weakens your sentence. 

I also want to encourage you to use the active voice as much as possible in your writing, and avoid describing actions ending in “ing.” Yes, the sentence above is technically active, not passive, but it can be improved by removing that “ing” at the end of the sentence to make the action feel more present, if you get what I mean—quicker. I’m not saying to completely remove it from your writing dictionary, but limit it as much as you possibly can. 

Example:

Your version = “Losing her footing due to the blood on her bare feet, she slid on her stomach across the polished oak floor. Screaming out in pain, Susan sucked it up and scrambled to stand; noticing all the blood that got smeared all over the entrance.”

Improved version =  “She lost her footing and slid across the polished oak floor. Susan screamed out in pain. She forced herself to suck it up and scrambled to her feet, but while she leaned against the wall for support, her eyes landed on her feet. They were doused in a coat of blood, the moist, tangy, red liquid seeping through her toes and soaking into the pores of her skin.

Susan’s breath caught in her throat as she noticed the entire hall smeared in it, her gaze following the trail she’d left on the floor before her and to the entrance.”

You can also SHOW what caused an action to happen later on in the paragraph, you don’t have to necessarily write what caused Susan to fall instantly, like you did here: “She lost her footing due to blood on her bare feet.” Be patient and have faith your readers will understand what caused her to fall, eventually they’ll get to that part where you show why that happened.

It may be longer than your version, but here, there is so much more sensory description, visual description, and also has step-by-step descriptions of each action Susan takes, making the scene more vivid to imagine and so the reader doesn’t miss anything. And as I have done in the improved version, I’ve cut each sentence up to keep the reader engaged and make the text easier to read. I encourage you to do the same.

I do like, however, that you include a simple description of the polished oak floor and how the blood is smeared across the entrance. It was easy to understand the impact the fall had on Susan because of the scream. I could imagine it very vividly, and despite such a traumatic event, she still manages to, quote on quote, suck it up and try to get to safety. Strong and resilient character. 

I want you to study the difference in our texts. Use more sensory descriptions to immerse your readers into the scene, to make them feel exactly what the character is going through, and most importantly: show, don’t tell. There are numerous great youtube videos and articles explaining the topic on show don’t tell and how you can incorporate it into your writing effectively, I recommend you to take a few minutes of your day to check it out, because it truly takes your writing to another level. 

I do want to give acknowledgement to the prologue and its intense and gripping scenes. I mean, we’re barely starting the story and we’ve already lost TWO characters! Now that’s what I call action. 

Going back to the beginning, we instantly start the prologue off with Deputy Cooper struggling to drive in a straight line as an aggressive earthquake hits the area, and he nearly faces death right then and there! But fortunately, he made it out of that mess (for the time being). 

There is a lot going on, and judging from the blurb, this is where it all starts. It’s a hooking introduction, especially for Wattpad stories where it’s usually recommended to start off with some sort of action to get the reader hooked, and you certainly took it to another level with this prologue. But what I think ties everything together is the fact that we know the blood rain is caused by the birds and, mainly, the volcano. It’s a huge mystery as to why this is happening, how it even came to occur in the first place, and most importantly: how will this affect the characters and the world around them? 

Another thing I wanted to comment on, however, is that I can’t really manage to find why you, as the author, decided to include a scene about Laurie and her community capturing them in the forest and training them to join them in the forest. I get it may be partly for the sake of character interaction and evolution, getting to know the main characters better and see how their relationship unfolds from there, but this scene has to serve another purpose as well. I can see you’ve taken a good opportunity to show contrast, not just the people living in cities, but you’re also showing that there exists people in your story who live connected to nature and survive out in the wild, including how they face the virus situation. But the way it’s done feels really, I’m not sure how to word this but, passive? Forgive me if it’s just me being ignorant, but I find it’s unclear what purpose this scene serves for.

I also find it unrealistic how on board Laurie is about these “infiltrators”, a.k.a Susan and Jason, entering their territory and suddenly recruiting them to stay at their place.

Has Laurie heard of them before? Does she normally recruit people this way to join her community? 

I think Laurie should be more defensive over her home at first, her territory, then gradually as the scientists reveal who they are and why they’re on the run, Laurie can change her mind and convince them to fight alongside them. I’d also suggest making Susan and Jason more doubtful over these people, and strangers in general, as well as more protective over themselves. Have them resist a bit at first. It’d be interesting to see Laurie and her people hold them hostage for a while and take them into their village by force, since they would be struggling trying to free their bound wrists, but as they enter the village and awe at the view, they can lose resistance. 

But as I said, have them be doubtful over Laurie’s intentions. What could she be planning? Can you really trust her? And what makes them so sure that they can trust her?

Don’t get me wrong, it’s interesting to see Susan interact with numerous other characters, even unexpected ones like these, but her reaction should match up with the situations. She and Jason are way too chill with being kidnapped by these total strangers and believe every single word they say instantly. Let your characters interact and decide as well, don’t let the story decide over the characters. When I say this I am referring to character-driven stories, I recommend you search it up and, if you don’t already, take a look at how it differentiates from a plot-driven story.

These were the points I wanted to comment on most of all, the rest of the chapters are fine but can also be improved with the feedback I mentioned, most of anything character related. Your writing style is great, but can also be improved with incorporating synonyms for basic words such as “sad”, etc, and learning how to use the “show don’t tell” method. 

I hope this review wasn’t too brusque. Know my intentions are to solely help you and point out parts you could improve on. You can choose to either take my advice or leave it. However, I tried using arguments for each point I made and to explain why I made the comment on whatever I commented on instead of basing it off my own opinion. I choose to observe your work, along with other writers’ work, from a neutral standpoint and make sure I give actual advice that may be useful. I hope you enjoyed this review, responses or comments are greatly appreciated. 

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