hi so i'm gonna be real with you all for a moment. couldnt give a shit who reads thhis tbh and i don't think many will. as of may 4th (as in rn) i think i'm spiralling lol. i've been having up and down moods and it's hitting hard today. i feel dumb as shit even after studying like there's this constant pressure for me to do well. i feel like a fake because even though i try act smart and stuff i feel like i'm lying to people because fuck i feel so dumb right now that it's never funny. i'm not having a good time, basically.

is this a depressive episode ?? perhaps

not only that but i hate my writing so much. the last chapter of loverboys makes me physically sick and i hate it but love it. and i'm just extremely annoyed at myself because i want people to enjoy and like what i write. but i feel like a fake who's just writing like a child and just i don't think i'm good enough, basically.

my parents have been really cold to me and just in general it's not really helping. i won't go into much but i feel like i have to constantly please them to get the bare minimum of appreciation and love from them. tbh my number of panic attacks has gone up from once a month to around once a week rn. it's not been good for me and i don want to vent on my mb or to my friends because they have problems that are bigger than mine abd it's just seems selfish to me.

lol this just came to mind but my mum regularity just talks about my body and yeah so maybe that isn't helping all the negative thoughts. but it's not like this is new ahah

and not that it's a bad thing but i guess the pressure of writing has gotten to me. i get dms and stuff from people asking for me to update it to write a certain story or just these half ass things and jm spiralling and fuck i'm rambling.

honestly ignore this it's more of a vent than anything but i'm just not in a really good mental space right now. i kinda hate myself and everything i write so please just bare with me as a i try sort my life out and stop being a dramatic little bitch.

i hope you're having a better day than i am,
love you <3
— ro :))