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b i l l i e

thanksgiving break.

it's been a week since kaylani told me to keep my distance from her and i didn't fight it, i just let it be because i can see she was going through something that she didn't want to tell me and that's perfectly fine, but i still want to be there for her, but she doesn't want me to be there for her and i have to respect that.

i hated thanksgiving only because it was just finneas, his girlfriend claudia and i. i liked claudia of course but thanksgiving just been boring ever since my parents left. my mom was usually the one to cook the food while my dad cleaned the whole house and finneas and i just stayed outside until everything was ready.

fuck them though. they didn't like the fact that i was lesbian and they didn't like when i colored my hair, didn't like when i got my nose pierced and definitely freaked out when i got my tattoos.

one year since they left finneas and i by ourselves and we've been doing great now that claudia is officially living with us.

"claudia can cook," finneas told me when i asked him what were we gonna eat for thanksgiving.

"yeah?" i questioned and he nodded his head and i just shrugged. "wish mom still here making food. can't believe she really had the fucking nerve to leave,"

i just chuckled and ran my fingers through my hair and finneas looked at me with a sad look.

"honestly dude," i said, getting up from the couch. "you and claudia can spend this day together. i'll just go over kylie's house,"

"bil," he sighed. "we want to spend this thanksgiving with you,"

"it's fine, honestly," i told him. "i'm just going to head to kylie's. i'll tell her,"

i didn't even let him respond and i walked to my room, shut the door and i jumped on my bed, back against the bed. i took out my phone from my pocket and i went to kylie's contact name and i texted her.

imessage
" kylie jackson "

kylz. can i go
over your crib for
thanksgiving? ion feel
like staying in the fucking
house.

of course !
you're always welcomed
and my moms would
love to have you here.
especially my mother.
she wants you to taste
her baked mac and cheese
bc everybody says she
has the best !!

okay ! text me
when i should be omw

i get off her contact name and my eyes linger on kaylani's and my thumb just hovers over it. it's been a while since we last texted and i was the last one to text her and it was just a simple 'okay' after she told me that nothing happened at the party.

it's crazy how i'm so fucking soft with her and then with everybody else, i just snap. i haven't even kissed her, i've never hung out with her for a full day and i already caught feelings.

and this is why i hate catching feelings for straight people. i mean kaylani is the first straight girl i ever caught feelings for and it hurts actually. i don't wish this pain on anybody else.

i just wanna know who hurt her. why is she scared to love? why is she scared to catch feelings?

but, i didn't want her to feel too pressured. i'm already whipped over this girl and i haven't even kissed her. i just feel so protective over her and i want to protect her from every bad thing possible , but i know that's not possible.

i want to check up on kaylani and make sure she's okay, but i don't want to give her more reasons to hate me more than she already does.

i wonder if she was gonna be at the house. if she is, she's probably gonna ignore us all. or just me honestly. but, i just wanna see her so so bad.

i miss her.

i checked the time and saw it was 3:15. kylie was probably gonna text me around 6. they're not vegans and i hope kylie told her moms i was coming, and at least cooks something i can eat.

there was a knock on my door and then a head popped in and i saw it was claudia.

"hey bil," she said and i smiled at her. "finneas told us you're not spending thanksgiving with us. are you okay?"

"no," i told her. i can always feel honest with claudia. never judged me. "just gonna remind me of my shitty ass parents, sitting back at that table,"

she gives me a sympathetic look and she comes in my room and sits down and begins playing with my hair.

"i'll never knows how it feels for both of your parents to leave. but i've dealt with people leaving my life and it hurts. only way to try and get closer to getting rid of the hurt feeling, you have to sit down and go back to that memory you know?" she started and i nodded. "you haven't been to your parents room. you don't sit in the kitchen. but, you have to. to get rid of the feeling you know what i mean? do you want to live with the thought of them forever?"

"no,"

"so you have to start with going places to remind you of them. their room, the kitchen. places they took you when you were little. to remind you that YOU'RE not the problem. far from it," she continues. "i know you blame yourself bil. but, you're not why they left and neither is finneas. you're a teenager. you're gonna do crazy shit, and they have to deal with that," she grabs my face and gives me a toothless smile as we locked eyes. "but if you're not ready, that's okay. and just make sure wherever you are, you're safe. okay?"

"ima be with kylie and her family," i told her.

"ohhh..kaylani will be there?" she asked me with a smile.

and as soon as my once small smile turned into a frown, so did claudia's.

"what happened?"

i told her about the party and how she cried in my arms in the car after and it took everything in me not to cry. i told her about us not texting and her ignoring me, juliana and kylie. and i told her about what happened during lunch and the things she said to me in the bathroom and how i let her walk away from me.

"...and i wanna text her. to make sure she's okay. but then, i don't want to bother her. she told me to stay away and i just think it's respectful if i do. ya know?" i finished explaining and claudia nodded.

"you didn't do anything wrong. and i think she's taking her anger out on you. i doubt she meant to say all those things to you," claudia explained to me. "the way you explained kaylani to me, i feel like she could never really say those words and mean it. somethings bothering her and she felt safe enough to take her anger out on you, because she feels comfortable enough with you. but, i still think you should give her space and when she's ready to talk to you, she will,"

"it's just heartbreaking," i groaned out.

"i know. but the best you can do is be patient. but c'mon. let's go to the store and buy some flowers for her moms and her sister. AND kaylani," claudia told me.

she dragged me up from the bed before i could even say anything and then we made our way out my room to the living room where finneas was sitting, watching a halloween movie.

weirdo.

"babe, i'm gonna take bil to the store to buy flowers for the jackson's," claudia told him.

"flowers?" he questioned, pausing the movie and turning his head back to look at us. "you simping?"

"shut the fuck up," i joked. "claudia was the one who dragged me out of my bed,"

"you can't just show up to anybody's house when they invited you over for dinner with your hands empty. so yes," the older girl told me and i just shrugged.

she jogged to him and pecked his lips three time and i made a disgusted face. i said bye to him and then we made our way towards his car. he had a tesla, but my car will always be superior.

"do you know what flowers they like?" she questioned me as we got into the car and began driving to the closest flower shop.

"kaylani likes the color yellow. she told me she always wanted yellow roses but couldn't seem to find them anywhere. she said she always likes sunflowers and daisy's. but, i don't know if this shop has yellow roses. probably have to order them online," i began ranting, not even realizing what i was doing and claudia was just quiet. "she said she likes real flowers because she likes to plant them and photograph them. but at the same time, she doesn't really like flowers, only seeds so she can watch the flowers grow on her own. but, she's mad at me right now, upset .. i don't know. but , i think i'm just gonna get daisy's and sunflowers mixed together and i hope she likes them,"

we were at a red light and claudia looked over to me with wide eyes and it took me two seconds to realize how much i ranted and how i only spoke about kaylani.

"billie o'connell .. " claudia said with a smile. "you really like this girl. wow,"

"i pay attention," i groan out.

the rest of the car ride was silent due to my ranting and my embarrassment for my ranting.

we pulled up to a flower shop about fifteen minutes later. when we walked in, soft music was playing and it smelled like flowers.

"i'm gonna get flowers for the house. you get flowers for the girls okay?" she told me and i nodded.

i began walking towards the flowers. i didn't really know the name of flowers, just roses, tulips, sunflowers and daisy's. this shop had all type of flowers and they were so colorful.

kylie told me her favorite color was purple. so i looked around and i saw purple flowers. i read the label and i furrowed my eyebrows in confusion.

chrysanthemums

"wasn't that a girls name in a book i read in kindergarten?" i asked myself quietly.

i just shrugged and picked them up. i smelled them and they smelled good.

i don't know what her moms favorite colors are, but her mother ; lisa looks like she likes the color red for some reason and aaliyah looks like she likes yellow. so i was gonna also mix flowers for them.

"excuse me," i spoke to the worker.

i told him i wanted the two flowers combined.

daffodils and amaryllis

what the fuck type name for flowers.

i also saw sunflowers and daisy's and told him i wanted them combined too. and about five minutes later, i paid for my flowers and they were $150 combined. but it was worth it.

i waited for claudia to pay for hers and then we made our way back to the car and began driving back to the house. i checked my phone and saw it was four and i saw a text from kylie and it said to be at her house by 6.

"had fun?" claudia asked me.

"not my..scenery, but i learned new flower names," i told her and she just chuckled.

"you probably don't wanna hear this from me bil," she stared speaking and i raised my eyebrows to tell her to continue. "do you really think you're gonna get a chance with kaylani? she looks like she's damaged and somethings bothering her. and how about if she doesn't feel the same way for you. you can't just stay there and just wait for her. you deserve somebody who has the same feelings towards you. i've never met her, but you told me about her already and it seems like she doesn't like you back, honestly,"

she could be right. her first impression of me wasn't that great because i wanted to kiss her and she thought i wanted to jump her bones.

i didn't respond though. i can agree with what claudia said about something bothering kaylani. she didn't seem like her when i saw her in the detention room. and her panic attacks wasn't because she was in the dark, it was because i almost kissed her.

we got back to the house and i immediately rushed into
the house and went into my room so i can get my outfit.

i picked out my pink white and black balenciaga shoes, my pink, black and white army shorts and a white shirt that had balenciaga in yellow and pink.

i got in the shower and began washing myself. kaylani just stuck in my head. i never really went soft for a female. i did go soft for a female but that's when i was 16 and i'm about to turn 19. but for kaylani, it's different. she's different. she seems broken and she just needs somebody to be there for her and tell her everything was gonna be okay.

i looked down on my arm and saw my parents initials on my arm and i traced my fingers over it and i felt my heart shatter. my parents meant so much to me. when i was born till i turned 13. i never know what i did to get treated like i used to when i was younger, but it only made me stronger.

and that's on trauma.

i never spoke to anybody about what i went through. not finneas and not kylie. nobody. i try everyday to forget about it and it works .. only sometimes.

i put on this tough face and i covered all my warrior scars with tattoos and it was just forgotten for a minute. until i look back down and think about everything that happened.

maybe i am the problem. my parents left, she left me and kaylani left me. when will i ever be good enough?

i stayed in the shower longer than i expected and when i got out the shower, it was about to be five.

i quickly got dressed and i didn't really do anything to my hair, i just let it out. i was thinking of dying my hair back to black, but i'm really digging this green and black together. surprised all my hair didn't fall off with how much i dyed it.

my phone began ringing after i was done dressing and i saw it was kylie.

"yeah kylie?"

"hey bil. you wanna come earlier? my moms finished cooking earlier than expected,"

"yeah, i just got finished getting ready. ima be on my way soon,"

there was a silence for a bit.

"is she there?" i asked her.

"no. juliana came in the house, yelled at her, dragged her out the bed, took her a shower, dressed her and went back to her house. i texted juliana if she's okay and if she's talking, and juliana said it's going okay. she's talking here and there,"

"oh..okay,"

fuck.

"well, i'm boutta drive over there, ima text you when i'm over there,"

"okay. i love you. drive safe, please,"

"i love you too,"

•

hey guys i'm back !

i've had major writers block, but i'm back. i've been super busy and stressed. i'm gonna start doing hair so like i've been really busy and i've been working a lot !!!

but , i'm back. and just to let you know, this book is gonna be slow. unlike my other book. so be patient please!

songs i listened to while writing this

adore you - harry styles

golden - harry styles

yea yea - pop smoke and queen naija

die for you - the weeknd

all for us - labrinth and zendaya

– armani 🦋