trigger warning : attempted murder

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k a y l a n i

i suffer from depression.

depression isn't easy. i can look so happy. i can smile, laugh, but deep down, i'm broken. i can be so happy one minute, but when i'm alone, i break down. i cry. i don't wanna be here anymore, i can't live anymore.

when i'm with billie it's different. she makes me forget how broken and damaged i actually am and i'm so happy around her. she's brought me so many happiness.

i don't know what sexuality i am, honestly, but the only girl i can actually have feelings for and i can date, will only be billie o'connell. i find female characters on tv shows and movies attractive. i find juliana's mom attractive, which is kind of weird .. but, i wouldn't date any other female other than billie.

this year was my happiest year. 2019 was the worst year of my life, and here i am in 2020. this year isn't the best. billie and i broke up, i almost committed suicide, nathaniel got away with sexually assaulting me and his friend threatened me.

but i'm totally okay. totally. that didn't effect me, totally didn't. therapy kind of helped me. i didn't like talking to a stranger but I GUESS talking to a therapist works.

i'm still fucking depressed, damaged, broken. i'm just such a pathetic ass fucking person. who cries about getting sexually assaulted and didn't actually get raped? i mean i asked for it right? the dress i was wearing told him that's what i wanted right? i wanted to get touched. i wanted to lose my virginity right there and then. i totally wanted it.

today billie and i made 10 months. she was gonna pick me up and take me out on a date. she does that for every month we make an anniversary and i find it cute.

she was totally different. she was intimidating, yes. tall, tattoos and piercings, but deep down, she's a soft, caring person. her parents broke her. her parents ruined her soft side, but she wasn't scared to show it towards me. we cried together, was happy together, talked for hours about our feelings and i wouldn't take any of that back.

i'm in love with her. i love her, she loves me. i want to get married to her. i want to have children with her. i wanna buy a house with her, a family car with her. i want little billie's running around. is it stupid for me to say that when i'm only 17 and she's 18? i don't care, i love this woman.

nathaniel cared about sex 24/7. he loved rough kisses, like to touch me sexually a lot, even if i would push his hands away. he liked being aggressive with me. i didn't like aggression. i liked softness. and that's exactly what billie gave me. she didn't care about sex. we didn't have a lot of sex in the 10 months we dated. she loved kissing me softly. she grabbed my face between her hands so soft like i was so fragile and kissed me with so much softness. she liked massaging my hair, holding my hands and kissing them, kissing my forehead, reminding me how beautiful i was and she took random pictures of me. she listened to me, she communicated with me. i wasn't afraid to tell her what i didn't like, what she should work on and it was vise versa.

"you're so beautiful," billie said to me as we laid down in my bed and she laid on top of me, playing with my hair and i just smiled. "my beautiful angel,"

"i love you," i whispered to her, my fingers playing with the rings on her fingers.

"i love you more," she responded. "i can't believe we made ten months today. it felt like years,"

"i know. you make me so happy, ya know?" i asked her and she gave me a cheeky smile. she's so cute. "no matter how fucked up i am, you make me the happiest seventeen year old ever,"

"hey," she said sharply, holding my chin up, making eye contact with me. "you are not fucked up kaylani. you're beautiful, and amazing. you're not fucked up, okay? treat yourself with kindness baby,"

i just nodded my head, not knowing what to say. she laid her head on my chest, i rested my chin on top of her head and began playing with her hair as her fingers gently began moving up and down my arms.

"i'm so in love with you," billie whispered and i smiled, even though she couldn't see me. "i'm in love with your imperfections. i love your brown eyes, even though you hate them. they remind me of chocolate. i love your stretch marks, no matter how hard you try to hide it..i love them. you not being perfect is perfect to me,"

"okay sixth member of one direction," i joked and i heard her laugh, her chest rumbling on top of my stomach. "but stop being so cute. you're gonna make me cry,"

"i'm telling you the truth baby," she responded, removing her head from my chest and looking me in the eyes. she puckered up her lips and i giggled, lifting my head up from my pillow and placing a soft, long kiss on her lips. "i love yours lips, ugh. you're so perfect,"

"shut up," i laughed.

the fact that she was gonna see me in five hours again after she leaves my house, is how you know how attached we are to each other. i know it's not okay to rely on somebody so much, but i rely on billie so so much. she's helped me in so many ways. even though it started out with violence, she still helped me. but i hate being apart from her. i want to wake up to her every morning. every time i get up from school, i want to kiss her and write her little daily notes so she can wake up with a smile. on weekends, i want to wake up earlier than her and cook her breakfast, watch her eat the breakfast and we spend the day shopping, watching a movie or a show. i want to live with her.

"billie," i whispered, my heart beating out of my chest and she hummed in response. "move in with me,"

"what?"

"i..i want you to move in with me," i repeated. she sat up, running her hands through her green hair, her blue ocean eyes staring into my dull brown eyes. "finneas and claudia are together. getting to the stage where they'll get married and have children soon. i know that house reminds you of everything bad about your parents. you drive thirty minutes to see me and you go back at night and i'm scared every time, because you're a reckless driver. i want to wake up with you next to me. kiss your forehead, i just want you to live with me. i'm attached to you and i'm in love with you. so..move in with me? please,"

it was silent for a few minutes, but then she grabbed my face in her hands and smashed her lips against mine. the kiss was filled with love. my head hit the pillow again and she moved her lips against mine softly and it just made me so warm inside.

"of course," she said to me and i squealed.

i flipped us over so i was on top. i leaned down and attached our lips together again and her hands rested on my lower back, gently.

"what do you have planned tonight?" i asked her as her hands rested on my thighs.

"i can't tell you that mamas," she teased and i rolled my eyes jokingly. "aye, stop rolling your eyes at me,"

"make me," i teased her back.

she flipped us over and she began tickling me. the whole room was filled with my laughter and squeals along with billie's laughter. this was my happiness, i was happy with her. she's my happiness.

but i know i wasn't gonna be happy for a long time. sadness always creeped up back to me and i hated it. i just wanted my depression to go away. i tried to not let it get to me, but it always took over and won. i hate it.

"okay baby, i gotta go. i gotta get ready and make sure this date is the best," she told me after she stopped tickling me.

"okay," i pouted.

"hey, ima see you in like five hours. stop being a baby. i love you," billie pouted back. "c'mon walk me to the door,"

she got off of me and helped me up. i put my shorts down and walked in front of her and when i opened the door to my room, she slapped my ass. i yelped and i turned around and she winked at me.

"saywatchonameisss," she said and she pretended like she was rolling dice. "bro tiktok has my ass, but let's go baby,"

i laughed and shook my head. we began walking down the stairs and she followed after me. my moms were in the kitchen and kylie was in the living room with jayden.

"leaving already?" my mother, lisa asked billie and she nodded.

"gotta go get ready for our ten month anniversary i have planned," she replied, grinning from ear to ear.

"she didn't tell me what she had planned," i pouted.

"it's called surprise for a reason lani," my mom, aaliyah responded and i groaned. "but, have a safe drive back,"

billie nodded her head. she went towards kylie and jayden on the couch. she hugged kylie and did her little 'bro' handshake with jayden and i walked her to the door.

"i'll be here at 7, on the dot. wear a dress, heels, get cute baby. i'll see you later okay?" she said to me and i nodded my head. "i love you,"

"i love you more. drive safe bebe," i responded and she nodded. i pressed a kiss to her lips and then i stood at the door watching her get in her car and as soon as she turned it on, music start playing. i giggled and i waved as she drove off. i came back inside and i closed the door. "i asked her to live here,"

kylie and jayden stopped watching tv and my moms stopped cooking and they looked at me with huge eyes, all shocked.

"you guys all know her relationship with that house. y'all knew what went down in that house with her parents," i told them. "she didn't deserve what her dad did to her. and imagine just living in the house where your parents made you feel lifeless. she deserves better. she's happy here and i just want to see her happy. she makes me happy. she's been through shit and i just want her to be happy, okay?"

"okay baby," my mom said and i smiled. "that's totally fine. does her brother know?"

"i mean, i just asked her, but she'll probably tell finneas," i replied and she nodded. "so it's okay?"

my moms nodded their head. i looked at kylie and she squealed. she got up, ran to me and pulled me into a hug.

"i can't believe my bestie is gonna live with me," she yelled. "you're an angel from heaven,"

i brushed her off jokingly and i made my way upstairs. i can't believe billie is really gonna live with me. she's actually going to live with me. the love of my life, my future wife, the future mother of my children is gonna live with me. i jumped on my bed and stuffed my face into the pillow and squealed. happiest i've felt today and i wish i can continue being this happy forever, but i know i won't. i'm just going to have to live with it.

about two hours passed and i decided to start getting ready. while in the shower, i washed my hair, shaved everywhere and made sure i used my coconut scrub. billie loved when i smelled like coconut. after i got out the shower, i applied coconut lotion and i called kylie in to help me with my makeup. she went for a natural makeup look, but i've never applied this much makeup before.

"hey..you're beautiful kaylani, okay? every bit of you," kylie told me, as i looked at myself in the mirror and i just nodded my head.

she applied on my lashes for me and she clapped her hands excitedly at her finished product. i actually looked beautiful.

i picked out a cheetah print dress with clear heels that wrapped around my ankles and stopped a few inches above it. i straightened and curled my hair, and after i was done, i put on clear lipgloss and sprayed my coconut perfume.

i looked at myself in the mirror and i actually did look beautiful. i am beautiful. right? billie thinks i'm beautiful, right?

my moms went on a little weekend date since they knew billie was gonna be with me, along with kylie and jayden in the house. they knew i hated being alone, but since billie was now going to live with us, i couldn't be more happier. i wasn't going to be alone.

i heard a doorbell ring and i knew it was billie. kylie was downstairs with jayden and i knew she opened the door. i let out a huge sigh and i grabbed my black purse, along with other things i needed and i made my way down the stairs.

as i turned the corner to the living room, there was billie and she was talking to jayden and kylie. when they heard me coming in the room, they all put their heads up.

"woah. bad bitch alert!" kylie said and i giggled.

"period pooh," jayden said jokingly as i walked up to them.

"babe, you look so beautiful," my girlfriend complimented. she does think i'm beautiful. "fuck, i'm simpin right now,"

"hi baby," i giggled, pressing a kiss to her lips. i looked at her and saw she was wearing an all black gucci suit with gucci shoes and she looked so fine. "you look beautiful as well,"

"okay, y'all are too mushy. get out and go enjoy the date," kylie said and billie and i laughed.

billie grabbed my left hand and pressed a kiss to it. we said our byes to kylie and jayden and then we made our way outside. billie opened the door for me and held my hand as i got in and then she got in the drivers seat and she pulled away.

i clicked the radio and little things by one direction began playing. i looked at her and she smiled at me.

"took my one direction references to thought. feel me? big dick energy shit," she said.

"you're so annoying," i giggled and she leaned over, her eyes still on the road and pressed a kiss against my lips quickly. "remember that time we broke up?" i asked her and she nodded. "i was so surprised you just agreed with it and didn't like argue with me or anything. i took it the wrong way thinking you didn't want to be with me and i was in pain like the whole week. i thought you didn't love me,"

"only time i didn't argue or anything was because i know you were going through it," she responded. "i didn't wanna argue. baby, we never ever argued, literally. only time we 'yelled' at each other was when i beat the fuck outta nathaniel that one time. but, i knew you needed your space and i knew you actually didn't want for us to break up. i'll never ever stop loving you. no matter what. i'll never stop loving you. my precious angel,"

"i love you so much billie. thank you for treating me like a princess. thank you for loving me the right way and showing me what love is," i told her as i grabbed her hand and kissed it.

the rest of the drive, we held hands and we sang quietly to the music playing on the radio. about forty minutes later, billie stopped driving and all i saw around us was sand and water.

"how didn't i notice we were going to the beach," i questioned.

"you were too busy looking at me baby," billie responded with a laugh and i punched her playfully.

she got out the car, turning it off and she came to my side and helped me out. while waking, we held hands and i swear she was nervous, but i brushed it off.

we walked down more and then i saw in front of me a whole red carpet. on the sand. and right near the water was a whole deck on top of the sand and it was round and huge.

"a red carpet baby?" i asked her and she nodded her head.

"you first,"

i walked in front of her, walking on the red carpet with her right behind me. and when we stopped in front of the deck, she stepped in front of me and held out her hand. i took her hand and began walking up the stairs with her right by my side.

on top of the deck was a table with two chairs. there were two plates on the table with spoons, forks and knives. i smiled at how much thought she put in this. she pulled out the chair for me and i sat down and she took a seat.

"just letting you know, this cost like a lot of money, but i'll go broke for you," she told me and then she placed a kiss on my lips.

i furrowed my eyebrows as she began lightly tapping her fork on her glass cup and then behind her, i see a guy come up to us with to plates in his hand. as he reached us, i saw that he had food in those plates. he placed the plate in front of us and took the empty plates. i thanked him and then he left.

"you had somebody cook for us?" i asked her and she nodded. "babe.."

"shush," she ordered. "as i said, i'll go broke for you,"

another guy came and i seen he had drinks in his hand. one was simply just water and another was passion fruit juice, my favorite. he filled my cup up with the juice and filled billie's with water. i thanked him and then he left.

"you're so fucking slick. i love you," i told her and she smiled.

we began eating and the food was delicious and the passion fruit juice tasted better than ever. probably because i was drinking it in front of the love of my life and this was the longest i've been happy in a day. i'm kind of proud of myself.

after we finished eating, it was an hour later and we were both full. we both didn't want dessert, so we sat down and talked about life, being all mushy. and then i heard slow music playing.

i looked behind me and there stood a band. i looked back at billie and she was standing up with her hand out. i smiled and shook my head, putting my hand in hers. i got up and we walked down to the red carpet. she pulled me into her, my head on her chest, our hands together while one of her hands was around my waist and my other hand was around her neck. the guy began singing and billie and i just swayed back and forth to the music slowly. i felt her heart beat against my ears, and it was music to my ears.

her hand touched my chin and i looked at her and she placed a kiss on my lips sweetly.

"i'm so in love with you. thank you for putting up with me for ten months," she whispered to me softly.

"i'm in love with you too baby. happy ten months to us," i replied, my voice fragile and soft.

she backed up away from me and her hand went in the pocket of her outfit. my confused looked went to a shocked look when she got on one knee and she opened up a box, showing me a ring.

"i'm making a promise kaylani," she began and my hand slapped my mouth as i felt tears fall down my face. "i'm making a promise to love you. to cherish you. to tell you that you're beautiful every time i see you. you mean the world to me baby. you've made me the happiest person ever. i fell in love with you the second i saw you. i love seeing you smile and laugh because of me. i know that you're going through a tough time right now, but i promise i'm here for the long run. i want to make you my wife, i want you to be the mother of my children. i promise to make you the happiest i can. i promise to protect you from every bad thing to ever come your way. i promise to give you everything i have in me. you make the happiest person ever. you stuck with me through my worst times and never left. i'm so in fucking love with you. with this ring, i promise you all of me and i promise i'll turn this into an engagement ring,"

she slid the ring on my left finger and by now i was fully sobbing. i went on my knees and i grabbed her face into my hands and i kissed her. i kissed her with all the love i have. i kissed her with all the happiness i have. i just kissed her. i love her. i'm so in fucking love.

•

"kylie said she's gonna spend the night at jayden's," i told billie as we made our way back home and i read the text that kylie sent me.

"okay," she responded. "so i'll go get some of my clothes at home while you make space for me in your closet, right?"

i nodded my head and she nodded her head. she stopped in front of my house and i pressed a quick kiss to her lips. i got out the car and i unlocked the door and opened it. i turned around and waved to billie, and she waved back and drove off. while she drove off, i saw a toyota camry that looked familiar drive slowly past my house, but i ignored it.

i got inside and went straight to my room. i took off my makeup and lashes. i changed my outfit from the dress to a pink nightgown and then i heard my doorbell ring.

damn..billie came back that fast?

i went downstairs and when i opened the door, my heart dropped to my feet.

"miss me?" freddie asked me.

he pushed me back, and i landed on the floor. he came in the house and slammed the door shut, locking it. he came over to me, kneeling in front of me.

"you had the fucking audacity to snitch to your fucking girlfriend about me in the bathroom huh?" he asked me and i shook my head, tears feeling my face. i tried to scoot back, but he grabbed my leg and dragged me towards him. "you fucking lied about nathaniel raping you. who would want to fucking have sex with you anyways? you fucking asked for it kaylani. you asked to get fucked. you wanted to get fucked so bad. begging for it. look at what you're wearing. you think that's not gonna tick me off? huh?"

"please..no," i sobbed out. "please. i'm sorry,"

"it's too late for sorries now," he spat at me and then his hand connected with my face, sending me flying again.

i held my hand to my face. i was shaking, i felt powerless. i should've went with billie. i should've.

he grabbed me by my hair, dragging me up the stairs as i screamed and cried trying to get him off of me, but he was too strong for me. too strong and tall.

he dragged me into my room and threw me on the bed with force. closed the door and locked it behind him and then went towards me.

"you wanna get raped so bad huh? wanna lie about nathaniel putting his hands on you," he growled at me and i shook my head. "you're not as innocent as people think you are kaylani. you're a fucking lying dirty whore. that's what you are. just like your fucking sister,"

"stop!" i yelled.

he came on top of me and wrapped his hands around my neck and the other gripped my hair tightly. i tried to push him off, my hand clawing his chest, but he wouldn't get off of me.

"get off!" i sobbed.

i clawed at his face and i began powerless, but i couldn't let this happen to me, i couldn't. i punched him, slapped him and scratched him, but it didn't even looked like it hurt. i just kept screaming, my lungs about to collapse.

"BABE!" i heard billie yell from downstairs.

i was gonna yell but freddie's eyes widened and he began choking me with both of his hands. i tried kicking and slapping him, but i couldn't scream.

i heard billie come up the stairs and i started losing conscious and everything became stars.

"babe open the door!" billie yelled, twisting the doorknob and pounding at the door.

i heard my blood pumping and i felt my breath slowing down. i was dying. with my girlfriend outside the door. she's gonna find me dead and she's gonna be broken.

and my eyes began closing slowly and all i heard was billie screaming, and i saw freddie's panicked face.

•

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b i l l i e

this wasn't like kaylani.

she didn't lock her door, ever. i stopped pounding on the doors and i pressed my ears to the door and i heard a grunt that didn't sound like kaylani's. this wasn't a sexual grunt either, but this grunt was manly.

i counted to five and then i kicked them door open and i walked in the room. my eyes widened as i saw freddie on top of kaylani and when my eyes went towards my girlfriend, i saw her body there. and it looked lifeless.

lifeless.

i jumped over the bed and tackled freddie and he fell on the floor, his head hitting the floor harshly. i began pounding into his face relentlessly, he was trying to fight back, but my punches were too hard for him to try and do anything. and, about fifteen seconds later he knocked out.

my hand was bleeding and so was his face, i felt the ache in my knuckles but i didn't care.

i ran to the bed, and there was kaylani with freddie's hand prints on her neck. i began doing cpr as tears rolled down my face. even though i could barely see, i was still gonna save her. my hand hurt terribly, but she couldn't die on me. she couldn't.

"please, please wake up baby, please," i sobbed. "god please, if you're hearing me right now, please make sure my girlfriend is okay. i can't lose her. she's the love of my life. i don't know what i'll do without her. her sister will be in pain, her moms, her best friend. please,"

this time, i was screaming. i was in pain, and i was screaming.

she wasn't coming to life, i couldn't save her. i failed her. i was supposed to protect her but i didn't. this was all my fault.

i laid my head on her chest and i sobbed. i screamed in pain, i screamed her name, i screamed for her to wake up.

and then i heard a gasp.

i looked up quickly, wiping my eyes and then i saw her eyes fluttering. i gasped and i looked at her closely and then she was looking right back at me. i lifted her up and put her in my lap and i began massaging her head as i cried.

"i thought i lost you. i thought i lost you baby," i cried out, rocking her back and forth.

"billie," she sobbed out, her voice raspy and it cracked, her throat hurting from the choking. "billie i thought i was gonna die,"

"i'm here to save you baby," i whispered. "i'm here. don't ever leave me again. please. don't ever leave me again,"

she stayed in my lap crying as i called the cops and told them. i called kylie, juliana and her moms. they all were crying, but i couldn't talk to all of them for so long, i had to make sure kaylani was okay.

about two minutes later, i heard sirens and i saw the blue light.

i was so happy to have kaylani in my arms. she was alive. i protected her. i saved her.

"thank you god," i whispered.

•

THE END !!!

thank you guys so so much for this journey. i started writing this book in like june w like no plans, but you guys seemed to love this book so much and i fell in love w it too. thank you for this journey :(

i rewrote this ending so many times. first, it was a very happy ending, second time, billie and kaylani broke up, third time, kaylani dies and this was the option i went with.

but is this the last chapter?

how do you feel?

– armani 🦋