trigger warning : attempted suicide

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b i l l i e

kaylani didn't seem like herself.

i tried calling her to tell her about patrick and maggie. i tried going to the house, but whenever i went, she took a nap. i was supposed to not see her for three days, but the three days turned into a week and i didn't speak to her for four days.

i was laying down in my bed, scrolling through my phone while music played softly on my phone and then i got a text
from kaylani.

imessage
"baby ❤️"

where are you ?

home, why ?

come pick me up pls.
i need to talk to you

omw. gimme 25

i closed my phone and let out a deep breath.

kaylani never texts me like that. i hope she's okay. i really miss her, and i haven't seen her for a week. i don't think she really needs to explain anything, she's been hurt so many times and she's going through a lot, so she doesn't need to explain why she ghosts.

right?

i quickly threw on some clothes and slipped on my slides, grabbed my car keys and went downstairs and went into my car. i sent a text to the groupchat with finneas, claudia and i and i told them i went to go pick kaylani up.

hopefully with whatever she has to tell me, i hope i can tell her about the whole patrick and maggie situation. she wouldn't realize my knuckle though, because it's perfectly fine now. no bruises, nothing and it doesn't hurt anymore.

about twenty five minutes later, i pulled up in front of the house and sent a text to kaylani that i was outside and then a few seconds later, she came outside. she was wearing black nike grey sweatsuit with slides and her hair was in a bun. it was 9:30 p.m so it wasn't that hot like it was in the afternoon.

she came inside the car and gave me a toothless smile.

"are you hungry?" i asked her and she nodded. "what do you want?"

"mcdonald's," she replied softly and i nodded.

i drove to mcdonald's and i ordered her a twenty piece chicken nugget meal, and when she got her food, i parked in the parking lot and played music softly and just scrolled through my phone, waiting for her to speak.

"i um.." she began and i looked over towards her. "i'm sorry for ignoring you for four days.."

"that's okay," i responded softly. "are you okay?"

"i think," she replied. "but there's something i need to get off my chest. i know i can talk to you about anything and this is something that i need to talk to you about,"

i nodded.

"i think um.." she began sniffling quietly and i saw a tear run down her face and she wiped it quickly as she put a fry in her mouth. "i think we need to break up bil,"

"what?" i asked her, my heart sinking to my ass. this is not what i want. i don't want to break up. "kaylani don't say that.."

"no it's not you..okay?" she said. "it's me billie. i fucked up your life. i brought shit in your life that didn't have anything to do with you. i feel like the court situation was my fault. imagine how smoother your life would be if you hadn't met me? i have so much shit i'm dealing with that you shouldn't have to deal with. i know i'm your girlfriend, but that doesn't mean you have to go through whatever i'm going through. you deserve better. billie i'm just fucked up. i'm fucked up. i'm not right in the head. i don't .. i don't know what to do, but i just think we need to break up.."

"you're not fucked up," i said, wiping at my tears. "you made my life so much better. you brought happiness in my life. i was like this before i even met you, i had my own problems too and i still do. we both got trauma, but being with you makes me so happy i forget about that shit,"

never in a million years did i think i would hear those words come out my mouth, they were never going to come out mine. i don't want to break up with her. i don't want to find somebody new, i just don't want to. i want to love her and her only.

"we need to deal with our things separately," she replied. "this isn't a goodbye forever. we'll find each other again..but i just feel like this is needed right now,"

"don't leave me," i cried. "i don't want you to leave me,"

"no..no," she whispered. she put her food in the back seat and she climbed on my lap, grabbing my face in her hands. "i will never ever leave you. you can always count on me okay? i'm always one call away. i love you and i always will. this isn't forever, i promise you. i'm not going to leave you forever, you can never get rid of me,"

"okay," i sniffled, wiping at my nose. "okay.."

she pressed a kiss to my lips softly and went back to the passenger seat and got her food. i drove her back home and she left the car, pressing a kiss to my cheek. no i love you, no bye, no nothing. she just left.

and if i knew, if i fucking knew...i would've never let her left.

•

it's been four days since the breakup and i honestly don't know how to feel.

i've been in bed all day, barely getting up. all i do is take a shower and pee. claudia makes me food and brings it to my room and holds me while i cry for a bit. i don't know who knows about kaylani and i breaking up, but this shit really hurt me.

there was a knock on the door and i didn't even answer, i just laid down, my covers covering my whole body. the door opened and closed and the person sat down on the bed and i hoped it was kaylani.

"hey.." i heard kylie's voice.

it wasn't her, but i needed kylie at this moment too.

"give me a hug," she said.

i got up from under the blanket and put my face on her chest and wrapped my arms around her and she did the same and i just began crying.

fuck. how much pain can my body take? i know i'm tall but jesus.

"hey...it's okay," she cooed as she began massaging my head softly. "let it all out it's okay,"

"i let her go. she probably hates me. i should've never let her go," i sobbed. "i didn't even fight for her. i just said okay. i just said okay..."

"no c'mon," kylie said to me. "she doesn't hate you and she never will. i don't think this was the best choice in my opinion because fucking hell y'all are both hurting right now and i don't want to see you guys like this,"

"how is she?" i asked, not pulling back from the hug and kylie still had her arms wrapped around me.

"she's going through it too," kylie sighed. "juliana is comforting her and so i decided to come here, to check up on you. i don't understand the point of the breakup. she kept calling herself a fuck up and saying she destroyed your life..did she do something to you or something?"

"no," i sniffled. "she just thinks ever since she came into my life, she fucked my life up. with all that nathaniel baggage. she thinks it's her fault the whole court shit happened. like, it was MY choice to pick if i wanted to beat his ass right there or catch him somewhere else. it wasn't her fault. she didn't ask for any of this. i don't want her to think it's her fault,"

kylie just played with my hair as i laid there. nobody knew about maggie and patrick coming back and i think that's something i needed to let go of and kylie gives good advice and shes a great listener.

"maggie and patrick came to see me last week.." i admitted to her.

"what?"

"yeah. that day i went home after aaliyah's birthday," i continued. "walked in the house and they were there. antoine sinclair called them and they came. yelled, i yelled. i punched patrick and they left. but i don't think this will be the first time they show up,"

"god what the fuck," she sighed. "how does antoine know them? like how does he know about what patrick fucking did to you? it made my blood boil when he said that shit in court. i wanted to kill him right there,"

"they associate themselves with whoever. they don't care," i responded, wiping at my tears. "thank you for coming to see me. i missed you,"

"missed you too my love," she whispered, pressing a kiss on my head. "don't lose yourself over this. i care for you and i've seen you so happy these past months. i don't want you to go back in that black hole you were in, and if you do, i'm going to help you. i want you to know that i'm here. i'm one call away, and if you call me, i'll get here so quickly. i love you,"

"i love you too," i responded. "take a nap with me?"

"okay," she chuckled.

we pulled back from the hug and she wiped my tears and pressed a kiss to my forehead. she came under the covers and i played the office on my tv. i was the small spoon and kylie was the big spoon so she played with my hair and about ten minutes later, i fell into a deep sleep.

when i woke up, i noticed kylie wasn't here. i checked over to my phone and saw it was 8:34 p.m and i was still tired, i haven't slept so good in that long and i think kylie really helped me.

there was a text from her and she told me she fell asleep right after i did for like an hour until her moms called her, and she had to go home. and she also told me she loves me and she'll come see me tomorrow.

i ran my fingers through my hair and sighed. i went into the bathroom and took a shower and brushed my teeth. i wore my pajamas and walked to the kitchen where claudia and finneas was and i saw that food was on the table.

"hey sleepy," finneas greeted me. "how you feeling?"

"like shit," i groaned, sitting down.

"i made you burritos like the ones from taco bell, but like way bigger. i hope you like them," claudia told me.

she put four burritos on a plate and gave me a red gatorade. i ate the burritos slowly while claudia and finneas talked and laughed.

"i'm not hungry," i said.

there was three burritos left and claudia gave me a worried look and finneas just looked at me like i was crazy. i never not wanted to eat all my burritos, this was a first.

"you're not hungry or you're hungry but you just can't eat?" claudia asked me.

"second one," i replied.

"c'mon bil. you gotta eat, you've barely been eating," finneas told me. "please..at least try. no pressure,"

kaylani would've wanted me to eat. she wouldn't want me to be like this nor would she want to see me like this. and so, i picked up my second burrito and ate it, not because finneas wanted me to, because i wanted to.

and then i ate my third and fourth one and the two of them looked at me with big smiled on their face.

"don't be fucking weird," i hiccuped.

"that's your first meal you finished eating in four days," finneas said and i cringed. "yeah..that doesn't sound like you does it?"

"nope," i said, popping the "p". "i'm tired,"

"didn't you just wake up from a nap?" claudia asked me.

"i slept for like three hours. i've been barely sleeping these past four days. i need like seven more hours of sleep and i'll be fully awake," i responded and they nodded. "goodnight! claudia, save me those two burritos please, i'll probably wake up hungry,"

she nodded and then i went back to my room, connected my phone to the charger, turned on the office again, crawled under my covers.

i thought about how easy i let kaylani leave. i should've went inside with her. i should've told her i wasn't leaving.

and then sleep took over me.

•

ring...

ring...

who the fuck is calling me at this time?

ring...

ring...

"BRO FUCK!" i exclaimed.

i turned over and i looked at my phone and my heart dropped. it was kaylani.

"hello," i croaked out. my voice deeper than ever. i really sound like a man when i wake up.

"hey.." she replied softly.

"it's.." i said, pushing my phone off my ear and checking the time. "it's 3:13 in the morning. are you okay? what's wrong?"

"did i wake you? i'm sorry," she asked me.

"no...no..it's okay," i responded, sitting up and running my fingers through my hair. "what's wrong? talk to me,"

"i miss you," she said and my heart began beating quickly. "i miss you and i haven't been able to sleep. i really thought i was going to be okay not talking to you for a while..but fuck it's so hard ya know?"

"yeah,"

"billie..i don't want you to think that any of this is your fault. if you do think it is, it's not. i promise you," she told me.

"and it's not your fault either kaylani," i responded. "you didn't ask for any of this to happen to you. nathaniel deserves to go to jail, it's not your fault. i'm the one who controls my actions, i'm the one who decided to beat his ass. not YOU. you're beating yourself up thinking it's your fault, when it's not. you're innocent just like me. we don't have to keep being like this. i love you and i don't want to be away from you, look what's happening to us,"

it was silent for a few seconds and i heard the wind which is strange, because kaylani never sleeps with her window up, she's always scared somebody's going to come up and take her.

"what if i just...fell," she finally said after the silence.

"fell out of bed?" i chuckled. "it hurts, not gonna lie,"

"no off the roof," she told me and my heart stopped. "the ground looks so fresh, maybe with me, i'll dirty it. my toes can feel the edge of the roof. the wind is pushing me up every minute,"

"kaylani what are you talking about?" i ask as i quickly got up from the bed, put her on speaker and quickly began getting dressed.

"do you think it'll hurt if i fall off the roof?" she asks me.

"baby please don't talk like that. please go inside, please," i sniffled, tears running down my face.

i slipped my shoes on, grabbed my keys and ran out the house into my hair and began driving to hers.

"i'm at the edge billie," i heard her voice say.

"no.." i responded, my voice shaking lightly as i drove 60mph to her house. "please...please go back inside please. i'll be there in a few minutes. don't talk like this, don't think like this. please kaylani, please,"

"i don't wanna be here anymore. my life is so fucked up," she sobbed.

i wiped away at my tears as i took a sharp right and now i was five minutes away from her house. she needed to hold on longer.

"i want you to be here please," i responded. "i love you and you've made me so fucking happy these past months that i've known you. you make time the happiest girl alive, i got so fucking lucky with you. you deserve to live, you have a purpose on this earth. kaylani if you leave me, i'll never forgive you..i'll never forgive you for leaving me forever and you told me, you told me this isn't a goodbye forever and you told me you'll never leave me. so stick to your words okay,"

there was silence. no answer. but i can still hear the soft wind and the crickets.

i pulled up to the jackson house and i quickly parked. i got the spare key to their house and i walked in silently, since it was 3 in the morning. i quickly ran up the all the stairs, from the first floor to the attic and i climbed up the ladder that led me from the attic to the roof where i saw kaylani standing on the edge and i hung up the phone.

"please.." i begged her. "kaylani take my hand and we'll talk about this okay? i will help you, i'll get you help. please don't leave me. i love you, i'm not mad at you. please,"

she looked back at me and wiped at her tears while i kept sniffling. she looked so fucking broken and how did i not know that this was on her mind? how did i not fucking know?

"take my hand," i said softly as i walked closer to her and held out my hand.

she shook her head and she walked closer to the edge, tripping slightly.

"NO!" i yelled. "please fucking please don't do this, please. i want to grow old with you, i want to fucking marry you, make you mrs.o'connell. i want you to hear my music when i decide to make music. i want to tell my fans that you're my girlfriend, you pushed me to do better, you motivated me. i want to have kids with you. a boy and a girl, maybe twins. we can name the girl ryleigh, you always wanted to name your babygirl that and we can do it. we can do it if you just take my hand,"

"you're gonna help me?" she squeaked out.

"i'm going to help you,"

"you want to marry me and have kids?" she asked me.

"i want to marry you and have kids,"

"you want to pursue your music career?" she asked me once more.

"i want to pursue my music career. very soon,"

she turned around slowly, her back facing the dark sky. she wiped at her tears and she reached out her hand and grabbed mine and i let out a cry of relief. i helped her up from the edge and when she got closer to me, her body collided with mine and she began crying.

"i got you," i cooed, wiping at my tears. "i got you baby. forever. it's okay,"

"i'm sorry.." she sobbed.

"no don't apologize baby. please don't," i replied. "i'm gonna get you the help you need. you got me forever princess, i promise,"

"i love you,"

"i love you so much more," i replied, pressing a kiss to her head.

•

y'all ... this made me fucking cry writing this.

so a lot of shit happened in this chapter. billie and kaylani broke up. they're both broken up over the break up. y'all i love kaylani so much, like she really goes through a lot.

7 more chapters :( i will miss you guys sm! ima miss seeing all the excitement when i upload. but i will be writing another book after this one is done. i will not put up 'call out my name' anymore. i don't have the energy for that :/

but, i hope november treats you well! and this was my first year voting btw and let's just hope trump doesn't win this year.

– armani 🦋