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b i l l i e

i can't fucking believe it man.

all this time. all this fucking time, my girl has been scared to come out and tell her story, and she's been scared that nobody was going to believe her. i kept telling her that everything is going to go as planned and then this happened.

it doesn't sit right with me. kaylani's been going to school like she's fine, but every time i pick her up and she gets in my car, she breaks down.

she's been happy these past months with me, but this just broke her, and trust me it broke me too. kylie's been trying to calm down also, but she still wants to see nathaniel and finish him off..plus, she wants to beat the fuck out of his dad, i don't blame her.

i just want to know how he knows about patrick, how he knows about what he did to me. it didn't even phase me when he said it, because i'll never see his bitch ass again, and if i do, this time...i'm beating the fuck outta him and i say that so respectfully.

kaylani was still in school, so i decided to go shopping by myself. i never had time by myself, i was either always with kaylani or always with kyree and jayden, nothing in between and i wanted a few more hours to myself before going to pick up my girl at school.

as i was looking for shoes, i heard two voices i recognize, and when i turned around, i saw taliya and izabelle, and when they noticed me, they came to me.

"hey. long time no see stranger," taliya greeted me with a smile.

"you saw me at prom and graduation," i replied coldly.

"billie, you need to stop being so mean," izabelle chuckled. "do you need to let something out? are you holding something in? is that why've you been so .. mean?"

"why is that your concern? and i'm not being mean. if i'm being mean, you would KNOW," i responded, still looking at shoes.

"anyways," taliya said, clearing her throat. "you look like you need a night out. there's a frat party a few minutes away from here, you should come. i'll pick you up,"

"i don't be at my crib," i said to them, turning around to face them. "i'm gonna be at my friends apartment,"

"okay..i'll pick you up from there. izabelle is coming too," taliya said to me.

i thought about it. maybe i needed to let out some steam, i didn't want to talk about my problems, i wanted to get rid of it. smoking and drinking will do just the trick, and i miss partying anyways.

"okay," i responded with a nod and taliya smiled. "what time you gonna pick me up?"

"9, is that fine?" the shorter girl asked me and i nodded. "aight. text me the address. it was nice seeing you again,"

"yeah, you too,"

and then they left.

did i say the wrong answer? should i actually go?

fuck it. you only live once and god did i need this so bad and god was kaylani gonna be pissed when she finds out i went to a party when she thinks i'm going to be with kyree and jayden.

maybe she won't find out.

•

i pulled up to kyree's apartment after i dropped off my clothes and shoes at home. his apartment was mad dope and i was just gonna chill with him and jayden before the party.

"how you been?" kyree asked me when i walked into his apartment and plopped down on the couch, closing my eyes and jayden just chuckled.

"i've been feeling shitty, you?" i asked him, as i began rubbing my temple. "yo, i really should've recorded his confession. like seriously? what the fuck is wrong with me. i failed my own fucking girlfriend. i don't deserve her,"

"uh uh don't say that," jayden said to me. "you didn't fail her. the system did. you were mad. you didn't even have your phone on you. it's not your fault, don't blame yourself for it. he's gonna get caught, i promise you he's going to get caught,"

"i can feel it in my spirit and my spirit don't lie to me," kyree added, putting his hands on his hips and i gave him a confused look.

"bro shut up," i chuckled. "i don't know .. i feel like i failed her. like this broke her. i don't know what to do,"

"just be there for her. you going over there after you leave here?" jayden asked me and i shook my head. "where you going?"

"a party,"

"the fuck," kyree said. "fuck are you going to a party for? your girlfriend needs you dumbass. who's party?"

"i don't know. i saw these two girls i used to be friends with at the mall and they told me to go to this party, so i said okay," i responded.

"billie, you're so fucking stupid," jay groaned. "why are you going to a party? first of all, you are not okay in the head right now. you might seem okay on the outside, but i know in that head of yours, you're pissed the fuck off, and you need to blow some steam off. instead of going to a party and getting shitfaced, WORK OUT!"

"yeah what he said," kyree said, agreeing with jayden.

"no..i can handle myself when i'm drunk or high," i told them. "i'm not going to cheat on my girlfriend. one. if that's what's y'all worried about? i will never cheat on kaylani, ever,"

"we know, but that's not what we're saying," jayden responded.

"bil," kyree said, coming to sit down next to me. "you..you are pissed off and i know you are. if you go to this party, you're going to get drunk and high, i know you are. worst case scenario, you're going to do something you'll regret. like..maybe try to go find nathaniel or his dad..or freddie even and try to do something. or even do something to yourself, because you feel like it's your fault nathaniel didn't get what he deserved for what he did to lani,"

"only one way to found out," i said with a smile.

"billie you're pissing me off right now and i'm not joking," jayden snapped at me and i put my bottom lip in between my teeth. "you're not going to that shit alone. or maybe you're not going at all. getting drunk and faded isn't going to solve what's going on. when you're sober, the same shits going to be going on,"

"bro just please," i begged. "i need this. i need to get away from the problem at least for tonight. i need something to get my mind off of it,"

"are you telling kaylani that you're going to a party?" jayden asked me.

well shit. i don't know if they're going to agree to lie to kaylani and tell them i'm with them if she calls them.

"no," i said with a smile. "so when she calls y'all, be like i'm sleeping,"

"if kaylani finds out we're lying, she's going to beat our ass. kylie will beat mine and juliana will beat kyree's. THEN, all of them will beat YOUR ass," jayden replied. "why aren't you telling kaylani you're not going to a party? you don't lie to her,"

i don't. i don't lie to her, but she's going to convince me not to go, but i NEED to go to this. i don't want to talk about nathaniel, freddie, the court situation, nothing. i want to do something that'll help me forget about it and this was perfect.

"i'm not lying. i'm just not going to tell her. YALL are the ones lying," i said to them and they just shook their head. "you don't have to lie to her. i'll deal with the consequences. i'm boutta pick her up after school in an hour. i'll tell her,"

"while you driving?" jayden asked, looking at me like i was crazy. "nah you better park that shit. if she spazz on ya ass, you better be focused on the road if you driving and that's impossible. females get more mad when they're yelling at you and you ignore them or you aren't even looking at them,"

"facts. my girl hates when i don't make eye contact with her when she's talking to me," kyree added.

"this isn't the same shy kaylani we talking about," jayden said. "her being with you..just made her more bold ya know? she feels comfortable and safe with you. and with that being said, she's gonna spazz,"

shit. i mean, if i just get her chick-fil-a, candy and flowers, she won't be mad at me, and that's exactly what i'm going to do.

"ima check y'all later. i'm boutta go run the store and then go pick her up after," i told them as i got up and grabbed my phone and keys.

"good luck nigga. you're going to need it," jay chuckled and i rolled my eyes.

"drive safe. love you," kyree told me.

"love you too. i'll tell y'all what happened when i come back. jayden bitch i love you also," i told them.

"yeah i love you too. bye!!!!"

i chuckled and then i walked out the apartment and took the elevator downstairs to the garage.

i got into my car and began driving to chick-fil-a. my girl got out of school in 45 minutes, so it took me like 15 minutes to order the food and get the food and then i rushed to cvs. i got her watermelon sour patch, peanut m&m's, snickers and gushers and then grabbed some red roses. i checked the time and saw she was getting out of school in 15 minutes. after paying for everything, i rushed to my car and began driving to the school and i got there on time.

juliana didn't go to school today, and i'm glad, because i would've had to also pick her up and they both would've been yelling at me and i'm not ready for that just yet.

i saw her walk to my car and she was wearing a dark orange dress that had a slit in the front area, only a little bit and she wore her black and white air force 1's lv8 sneakers. everything about her is perfect. my girl knows how to dress.

"hi baby," i greeted her as she got into the car and she pressed her lips against mine for a sweet kiss. "how was school?"

"it was okay. we don't really learn about that much, schools about to be over and they don't give a fuck no more," she replied and i chuckled. "how was your day?"

"went shopping, spent some time with kyree and jayden. ima go back over there when i drop you off home," i responded and she nodded. "before i drive off, i have a present to give you,"

"yeah?" she asked me with a smile on her face and i nodded.

i reached into the backseat and got the bags and the flowers and i told her to close her eyes. i placed the flower and the candy on her lap and the food on the floor and then i told her to open her eyes.

"awwww," she cooed, grabbing my face and kissing me once again. "baby this is so cute. and i've been craving chick-fil-a, i swear you know my stomach. thank you, i love you,"

"i love you more baby," i smiled. "aight lemme drop you off at home,"

i began driving and i needed to tell her. she's gonna know the candy and food and flowers wasn't just because i wanted to do it, and it'll upset her, i know it will. but i can't lie to kaylani, wether it's something good or bad..i cannot lie to her.

"baby," i said, turning down the music that was playing and she hummed in response. "i gotta tell you something,"

"okay,"

"i went to the mall earlier, got some shoes and some clothes and some more..just for the summer," i began and she nodded. "i saw my old friends, taliya and izabelle,"

she knew who they were, but i was expecting a more shocked surprise, but kaylani just hummed as she sipped on the lemonade from chick-fil-a. god, i fucking love her.

"they asked me how i been, i gave them that mean response because that's just how i am," i continued as i took a right, getting closer to her house and i was just going have to spit it out. "they saw that i wasn't doing good..i guess. and, so they asked me to go to this party tonight and i said okay,"

"a party?" she asked me and i nodded. "is kyree and jayden going?"

"no..just me,"

there was silence in the car until i parked outside of her house and she stayed in the car, silent for about a minute and then she turned to looked at me.

"so you didn't buy me the food, the candy, the flowers because you wanted to?" she asked me. "you bought me them because you felt like this would be a way for me not
to feel some type of way, while you go to a party by yourself and god know what's going to happen. god forbid,"

"i wanted to buy you these things. i did," i responded.

she chuckled softly and ran her fingers through her hair. "okay. i'm not going to tell you no or yes. i don't control you. if you want to spend some quality time with your other friends, go right ahead. i don't know why you felt the need to buy me things. did you think i wasn't going to care as much,"

"baby, no," i shook my head.

fuck.

"that's okay," she said. "thank you for picking me up and thank you for buying me this. i love you, be safe,"

she got her things and got out the car. she didn't even kiss me. she probably isn't mad, but i know she's upset and i don't want her to be.

"baby!" i called after her and she turned around. "no kiss?"

she came to me and pressed a soft kiss to my lips. she gave me a toothless smile and she left again and i waited until she was in the house for me to drive off.

fuck is wrong with me bro.

•

"ready to get fucked up!" taliya squealed as she pulled up to the big frat house after she picked me up.

"yeah," i said with a smile.

it's been 6 months since i've been to a party. 6. and god, did i need this so bad. i need to smoke, to drink, to get fucked up. i don't want to remember everything that's happening, i don't.

"c'mon," izzy said as she hooked her arms with mine and we began walking inside.

the smell of weed and alcohol hit my nose. the music was loud, people were dancing, making out, playing games, drinking and smoking. this is my scene. this is where i belong.

"ight ima roll three blunts, so while i do that, go get some drinks or go dance," taliya told izzy and i.

"nah i don't wanna dance. ima just sit with you," i said, sitting down next to her as she began taking out her frontos and weed.

"i'll go get us drinks. pink whitney is fine?" izzy asked us and taliya and i both nodded and then she walked off.

"so.." taliya began, as she ripped a piece of fronto.

"lemme roll one, so you don't have to roll three by yourself," i cut her off.

i grabbed the frontos and began looking for a good piece to roll the blunt.

"so how you been? when i saw you at the mall earlier, you just seemed off," taliya questioned, starting a conversation.

"it's just life," i responded. "there's gonna be days where i'm not the normal energetic billie. i have my days where i just wanna be cool and calm ya know? and i've been good,"

lies.

"that's good," taliya replied as she began putting the weed in the fronto and i began putting weed in the blunt i rolled too and then izabelle came back with three cups. "my girl! thank you!"

i took the cup from her hands and sat it in between my legs. izabelle decided to roll a blunt also, so i guess we were going to smoke three blunts back to back. fine with me.

after we rolled all the blunts, taliya sparked the first blunt and i brought the red cup to my lips and drank the whole thing and it didn't burn my throat, nor my chest. i needed this.

"damn bil," izzy chuckled as the blunt was passed to you. "you're gonna get drunk off that one shit you just took. i mixed it with patron and hennessey,"

"you finished? billie that was four shots in one cup, you're about to get fucked up," taliya told me and i just shrugged.

we smoked the three blunts and i drank more and more. i danced, and an hour later, i could barely see straight.

i excused myself and went into the bathroom, locking myself in there and i sat on the toilet. i closed my eyes and listened to the music playing and my thoughts just went back to the court day and i felt my heart hurt. literally.

i hunched over and put my face in my arms and i began crying. i began crying, because yet again i failed my girlfriend. she's probably upset with me right now and i really chose to come to this party knowing i shouldn't have.

i got my phone and i opened it and began scrolling through my contacts and i pressed on the name i needed right now and on the 3rd ring, she picked up.

"hey bil, what's up?" she greeted me.

"i'm crying," i sobbed into the phone.

"what happened. is everything okay?"

"no," i replied. "everything isn't okay juliana. i'm fucked up in my head, you know that? like i feel so fucked up. i failed my girlfriend so many times. and i just keep doing it,"

"where are you right now?"

"a party,"

"okay. i'm going to pick you up. do you know the address?" she asked me.

"no, but if you go pass kyree's apartment, i can tell you where to go,"

"aight. let me put shoes on and ima be on my way. ima tell you when i'm by my mans house,"

i nodded even though she couldn't see me and i continued crying. it really hurts. this shit is so painful. life is so painful.

about ten minutes later, she told me she was by kyree's house and then i began telling her the turns to take, the streets and i'm surprised i even know. i'm over here still crying while telling her where to go.

and about fifteen minutes later, she was here.

i quickly left the bathroom and went through the back door so izzy or taliya couldn't see me. i fucking regret coming here. this wasn't me anymore. i didn't enjoy this type of scene. i just wanted to be with my girlfriend, cuddling and eating food.

"you fucking stink," juliana said as i got in the car. "alcohol isn't a good smell on you,"

i rolled my eyes and then she began driving.

"lani knows?" she asked me and i nodded. "how'd she take it?"

"i don't know. she seemed upset. i thought she was gonna like cuss me out or something," i responded.

"lani yells at everybody BUT you. she has that sweet spot for you," she told me and i shrugged. "stop feeling like this whole situation is your fault bil, because it's not. you're fucking yourself up by thinking it's your fault. you know the system is fucked. when do they actually believe victims story? i love you and i don't want to see you like this, so make this the last time. next time, come talk to me, ky, lani, the moms, kyree or jayden. or even finneas and claudia,"

i didn't respond. my head was swirling and i just didn't feel good.

"i'm bringing you to see kaylani. it's 12 and today's a friday, and i know she's awake," juliana said.

i didn't fight against it, because i know juliana will do it even if i say no, but i don't want to say no. i want to see my girlfriend.

we pulled up to the jackson's house and juliana pulled out her phone and she called kaylani.

"hey mi amor. come outside real quick...yeah i'm okay...yeah i'm right outside..aight," and then she hung up the phone. "c'mon,"

i got out the car, tripping slightly and juliana rushed to my side and got me on the sidewalk safely and we walked up to the door and then it opened, and there was my girlfriend wearing my shirt and black cotton shorts and she had her hair in a messy ponytail.

"here you go. i brought you your drunk, high mess," juliana said with a smile.

"call..call kyree and tell him i'm staying here, so he isn't worried that i didn't go back," i told her and she nodded. "thank you,"

"you're welcome. i love you guys,"

"i love you too. drive safe, text me when you're home," kaylani said to juliana.

the hispanic girl got in the car and drove off and kaylani and i just stood outside.

"are you okay?" she asked me, and i nodded. "c'mon, lets get inside,"

she wrapped her arms around my waist and we walked inside the house and she closed the door quietly. she helped me up the stairs and we turned into her room and her purple led lights were on and the tv was playing redbone by childish gambino softly.

"heres some water," she told me as she gave me a bottle water. "i have a big shirt and one of your boxers. do you want me to help you change?"

"stop," i told her and she looked at me with her beautiful brown eyes. "i just..i'm sorry. and i love you and i'm fucked up, i'm really fucked up. i thought the party was going to help me not remember every fucked up thing that's going on..but it didn't help,"

"i know," she whispered.

"i'm sorry if you don't love me anymore. i try my best and i just feel like you deserve better than me...you deserve better than me," i sniffled, sitting down on the bed.

"i love you billie. don't say that. you're what i deserve. you don't do anything to hurt me. i wasn't upset. i knew how you were feeling," she replied. "i only said what i said, because i knew how you were feeling and i felt like if you felt that's what you needed, then okay. it doesn't make me love you any less,"

"i'm sorry," i sobbed.

"stop apologizing,"

"no. i'm sorry for failing you," i said. "if i didn't beat nathaniel up, none of this would've happen. i just grew up with violence. i have bottled up anger from my childhood and i always turn to violence because that's what i was taught",

"baby, look at me," she whispered and she took my face in her hands and made me look at her. "it's not your fault. regardless, there's no evidence. but you made him confess. he knows what he did and he knows he did it, that's all that matters. you didn't fail me. you'll never ever do that, i promise. i fucking love you billie, okay?"

"okay," i sniffled.

she pressed a kiss to my lips softly and she wiped away my tears.

she helped me get changed and we laid in bed, me being the small spoon, because i wanted to be cuddled so bad. i needed it.

and i just fell asleep, listening to kaylani's heartbeat. my peace on earth.

•

poor bil🥺.

also, i just feel like juliana and billie's friendship is underrated and so i had to sprinkle a bit of them in there. also, kaylani is so fucking supportive and understandable, like i love her.

if you watched grand army on netflix, who's your favorite character and who's your least? my favorite is joey of course, my bitch forever and my least favorite is leila. that shorty pisses me tf off oh my god.

and can we talk about ariana grande's new era? like hello? miss ma'am gotta song with abel? that's what's going to save 2020. i wish nicki was on the album, but it's okay !

anyways, thoughts about this chapter? what do you think will happen next?

10 chapters left guys ! 🥺🥺🥺 ready for the emotions?

– armani 🦋