trigger warning : talks of suicide, abuse.

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k a y l a n i

after coming back from new york, first person i threw myself into was billie.

her, claudia and finneas came to pick us up from the airport and when i saw billie, i ran to her and hugged her like my life depended on it, and of course..i gave her a kiss.

after, we all went back to my house and unpacked. billie told me she literally just stayed inside the house and slept most of the time, because without kylie, juliana or i, she was bored.

but, she told me she had one day where she went out, because kylie's boyfriend : jayden invited her out to go eat and play basketball and they clicked. kylie cried when billie told her because she thought billie didn't like jayden as much. kind of emotional for no reason, but i have my times too.

after the fight in new york with kylie, we've been awkward around each other just a little bit. i said what i had to say and i've never really yelled at kylie before, so it was just a little awkward, but she was with jayden most of the time and i was with billie.

i wanted to ask her to be my girlfriend. people would expect billie to ask, but we're both girls in the relationship. just because billie wears baggy clothes, is more demanding and aggressive and taller than me, doesn't hide the fact we both have vaginas. she's a girl just as much as i am and so i was going to ask her to be my girlfriend.

today was january 12th, 2020 and it was a wednesday after school. instead of going back home, billie brought me to her house and this is like my third time here and i really like the vibes at her house. i like modern houses like hers.

"you're so pretty," she smiled at me as we laid down on her bed and i was being the little spoon as we cuddled and she played with my hair.

"stop," i blushed and she chuckled.

"no you are," she responded. "you're beautiful. you're gorgeous,"

i smiled at her words. it felt so amazing to have somebody call me beautiful and gorgeous, other than sexy. and that's why i like billie. she can look intimidating, but she's such a softy.

"you're gorgeous too," i complimented her as i looked up into her blue eyes. "the most gorgeous person i ever laid my eyes on. the strongest and most loving person i ever met. underneath all the tattoos and the tough face you put on, you're a softy and i know you are,"

"oh yeah?" she teased and i nodded. "i'm not soft for anybody rather than you baby,"

i smiled and i pressed my lips against hers, keeping it there for a few seconds and then pulling back and i began tracing my fingers over her tattoos.

"why do you only have one tattoo on this arm?" i asked her, tracing my finger over it and i felt her stiffen under my hold. "if you don't want to answer it, that's okay. no pressure love,"

she pressed a kiss to my forehead and then she stopped cuddling with me and she sat up and i did the same. i looked at her as she ran her hands through her hair and she bit her bottom lip nervously and looked at me with her full eyes. and there was an emotion in her eyes that i never seen before.

"when i was younger," she started. "say around 8 years old, i think that's when i found out i liked girls. girls only. i didn't know what it was, i never found boys attractive. i had a crush on my teacher and a crush on my old bestfriend in 3rd grade. finneas and i were so close when i was younger, and we still are. he was 12 at that time and he was his little introverted self and i was more extroverted. and when i found out i liked girls, he was the first person i went to and i told him. he told me he was proud of me and that it was normal and that he liked that i could feel safe enough to tell him. what i didn't know was that patrick..my..my.."

"it's okay..i know," i said to her and she nodded her head and continued.

"i didn't know patrick was listening in," she continued. "so that day, i was just hanging out with finneas. he asked me how did i know and he asked me if i was going to tell patrick and maggie. and i wanted to tell maggie, i just knew if i told patrick, the result wouldn't look so nice. so i didn't tell them. only finneas knew," she ran her fingers through her hair and i just knew this conversation was emotional towards her and i gave her a nod, and she gave me a toothless smile. "i felt so amazing coming out. like telling somebody 'i like girls' felt so fucking amazing to me. i went to school happy. i didn't act on my crush, because i just only wanted finneas to know and i didn't want to kiss my best friend, because i doubt that she liked girls. so when i went home..it was a thursday, i remember. it was only patrick and i in the house. we were in the kitchen and i was eating cereal and he came up to me..and he said 'you're gay?' and i didn't know how to respond,"

i knew where this was going, but i couldn't cry for billie. i needed for her to feel comfortable and safe around me to tell this story to me.

"and he just yelled at me. told me he that maggie gave birth to a girl, girls are supposed to like boys. he just yelled at me, threw things, told me i was a disgrace to the world. told me god doesn't like lesbians. and i just cried. i was fucking eight," she said and i took her hands in mine and gave it a squeeze. "he..he grabbed me by my hair and dragged me out of my chair. called me slur words, told me i don't belong in this family. he punched me, slapped me, kicked me, i guess to release the 'gay' out of me,"

tears fell down her face and i wiped them with my hand, but her tears didn't stop her from talking.

"maggie and finneas came home. maggie yelled at patrick seeing what he was doing to me. patrick asked finneas if he knew that i was gay and i shook my head at him. i didn't want him to also get hurt. he wanted to say yes so bad, but i kept shaking my head and so he said no," she continued and every time a tear fell from her face, i wiped it away. "maggie was a weak bitch. she couldn't help her own fucking daughter. he continued beating me. maggie would drop finneas home late just so he wouldn't have to see patrick trying to release the 'devil' in me. he told me god doesn't like me, god doesn't love me. years went by and he started waking me up like two hours before school and he would put heavy shit around my neck, tell me to man up since i wanted to be a boy since only boys are supposed to like girls,"

i've never seen her this vulnerable in front of me and her telling me about her parents made me so mad at them. she didn't deserve any of this. and for her dad to tell her god doesn't love her because she's gay is not true.

"he used to make me run miles without water. make me go to the gym and carry heavy weights. he used to beat me and made sure it was where i could cover it up. finneas always tried helping me, but he couldn't. i didn't want him to. i once yelled at him and said shit to him just so he could be mad at me, and it worked," she continued, sniffling and her hands shook a little bit. "maggie didn't help. she let patrick beat me. when i was thirteen, i tried committing suicide by cutting myself. i would've died, but finneas found me and he called the ambulance and they came to get me. i would've died if finneas didn't come home early that day. after my near death experience, patrick and maggie came and they were crying. i threatened patrick and told him if he put his hands on me again, i would've written a note saying everything he did to me and i would've killed myself, and so he stopped,"

she threw her head back and let out a small 'fuck' as tears poured down her eyes and her hand began shaking more. i just held her hand and i whispered to her that it was okay, even with my own tears falling down my face.

"when i was a freshman in highschool, i dyed my hair all black, i didn't want the blue no more" she sniffled. "i got my belly button pierced. and i started being a trouble maker. i got into a lot of fights, in school and after school. i still got good grades, but all the beating that patrick did to me, made me so angry, so i took it out on other people. i also saw my old third grade crush and she told me she always had a crush on me. we dated from my freshman year to sophomore year. i found out she actually didn't like me, patrick paid her to date me and then break my heart so he can give me a speech about how 'girls are going to break your heart' and i just gave up. totally. i dyed my hair green junior year and i went crazy on my tattoos. i got these tattoos to cover up my scars. i was ashamed, every time i looked down at my tattoos, reminded me of how rough i was being treated that i was going to take my own life. and this tattoo was recent,"

she showed me her right arm and i saw the initials M&P.

"i got their first initial tatted on me on the arm i didn't cut on, to show them that they weren't going to torture me again. i wasn't going to cut myself again. i wasn't going to let them get to me anymore," she said and i gave her a smile, as i wiped at my tears. "they left last year, a week before thanksgiving. i was hurt. and i think that was the last time i cried, until now..so that's what my tattoos mean to me,"

it was silent. i looked at her with her red eyes and she looked into my red eyes. i took her face softly in my hands and i pressed my lips against hers softly and she let out a small sob.

i disconnected our lips against each other and i pulled her into a hug, her head in my neck as she let out her cries and i just massaged her hair softly, whispering to her that it was okay, as tears fell down from my face as well.

"i'm so proud of you baby," i whispered to her. "i know it's hard to open up. i know it's hard. thank you for telling me. i'm here to keep you safe and alive. you're so so strong bil,"

she pulled away from my neck and she wiped my tears as i wiped hers.

"thank you for listening," she said to me and i just nodded. "i never told anybody this. you and finneas are the only ones that know the full story. kylie doesn't know the full story,"

"i won't tell anybody," i promised her. "and i'm here to listen if you ever want to talk, you know that right?"

"thank you,"

she pressed a kiss to my lips and i smiled at the gesture. underneath all this, she was a broken girl with a rough past. she's healing me and i'll help heal her.

"i used to cut myself too. up until like early november," i said to her and she looked at me. "i cut my inner thighs, because it reminded me of him and i didn't want to remember him, so i cut myself,"

"i'm so glad you stop. please don't..don't hurt your beautiful skin anymore, okay?" she told me and i nodded my head. "you're so strong,"

"and so are you.."

we just laid in bed and talked about random things. she makes me so happy. i never knew she went through something this rough. she just needed somebody to listen to her and tell it was okay. i'm going to protect her. i will forever be her protector just like she is mine. nobody will hurt her anymore if she's with me.

"bil," i said and she hummed in response. "be my girlfriend,"

"what?" she asked, her head snapping up from my chest and she looked at me.

"i want you..to be my girlfriend," i repeated myself as i looked into her eyes.

"okay..yeah," she smiled.

i giggled as she pounced on me and wrapped her arms around me. she gave me a smile and pushed the hair out of my face and her lips connected with mine once again.

billie o'connell is my girlfriend. my billie. my angel.

•

short chapter.

i cried writing billie's story, even though i can't relate to it. my poor babies deserve the world, and they're gonna get it, i promise !

also, my pms are always opened. you belong here. you matter. we need you. and, i'm two years clean and many more years are coming. i'm proud of myself and i'm proud of you guys too <3

– armani 🦋