trigger warning : talks of sexual assault.

| |

b i l l i e

today was the day i finally turned 18.

i still haven't spoken to kaylani. i haven't seen her at school at all. kylie didn't seem sad anymore, but nobody was telling me what was going on. i get it, i just met kaylani and her parents recently just met me, and i'm not family.

but i care about kaylani, i do. and the fact that i haven't talked to her in about two weeks and it's killing me.

i woke up today with claudia and finneas singing happy birthday to me with a candle inside a burrito from taco bell. i laughed and i just blew out the candle and they gave me five other burritos that i oh so gracefully ate in less than 20 minutes.

kylie and her moms stopped by and gave me presents. kylie gave me a lot of shoes, her moms got me clothes, chains, rings and money. they really spoiled the shit out of me and i love them so much.

i wanted to see kaylani, but i guess she's still mad at me and i totally respect that.

i was having a party tonight for my birthday, kylie was gonna come but she scored a date with somebody and i made her go on the date. she seemed happy with the guy so i wasn't going to ruin that chance for her.

"bil, i'll cancel the date to be here," kylie told me as she began helping me put my shoes on my shelf.

"kylie, no," i responded with a chuckle. "i love you. you got me a lot of fucking shoes, that makes up for it. and, this is once in a lifetime. i can see how happy you are with dude, and i want you to continue being happy,"

"don't make me cry," she pouted and i just shook my head and laughed. "can't believe you're my age now,"

"i sure am," i said with a smile. she chuckled and pushed me softly. "so tell me about the guy,"

she began ranting about him. told me it was all juliana, because it was a guy from chipotle, the same day i got kaylani's number is the same day she got his. she told me he treated her like a princess, facetimed her, texted her. told me he was patient with her and waited till he knew her enough to take her on a date so they can have so many things to talk about.

"if he breaks your heart, i'll beat the shit out of him," i warned her. "like i'll really beat the brakes off the dude. no regrets,"

"i know! so violent!" she responded as she sat on my bed since we finished putting the shoes on the shelf. "well, i gotta go get ready for my date. send me pictures of the decorations. i'll see if him and i can come by and celebrate with you for a little bit, okay?"

i nodded my head and she smiled. we exchanged 'i love yous' and she pressed a kiss to my forehead and i gave her a disgusted look, she was so affectionate. she said bye to claudia and finneas, then she left.

"what color are the decorations?" i asked claudia.

"shhh. let me do the decorations," she responded. "go take a shower, get ready and when you come back downstairs, everything will be ready,"

i rolled my eyes jokingly and i went upstairs and listened anyways. i got into the shower, making sure to wash everywhere. my hair, body, everything. i got out the shower and picked out an all green outfit, only because green is my favorite color.

it took me an hour and a half to get ready and when i went back downstairs, the whole living room and kitchen was set up, and the color scheme was green and yellow.

yellow. kaylani's favorite color. green. my favorite color

i shook the thought away and i seen claudia and finneas talking and when they seen me, they put a big smile on their face and did jazz hands.

"idiots," i snorted and they laughed. "i like the color scheme. i thought you were gonna do baby blue or some shit. my outfit goes with this too. green and yellow are perfect for each other,"

green and yellow go perfect together.

about another hour passed and people were here. not a lot, but maybe like 8 people. i don't have friends but kylie, but i invited them. some people were here because claudia and finneas invited them, but i invited four people. landon, izabelle, taliya and marcus.

"billie..you've been ignoring us," taliya said, as her and the rest came up to me.

taliya was cute. she was tall, about 5'6, had green eyes, curly hair and she was puerto rican. she always had her eyes on me, but i've never had feelings for her. izabelle was always hyping taliya up and trying to play cupid.

"i've been doing my own thing," i responded. which wasn't a lie, but still a little lie.

"you've been hanging out with those sisters. kylie and kendall?" izabelle teased and i looked at her with a straight face. "laugh a little billie.."

"that wasn't funny izzy. you try real hard to fit in," i simply told her and she looked shocked. "and it's kylie and KAYLANI. i hang with them because they actually like to do different shit. all y'all wanna do is smoke, drink and party,"

"how long has it been since you smoked?" landon asked me.

it's been like a month or something since i smoked. i do miss smoking. i miss feeling high, i miss laughing at stupid shit.

"it's been a month," i said truthfully.

"c'mon, you turned 18 today. i got three blunts in the little baggies and we're gonna smoke them," taliya told me and the others nodded their head. "so?"

"bil, we miss hanging out with you bro. you used to be my bestie," marcus added. he was the only one i really liked hanging around with. he was the only one who took my feelings into consideration.

"okay,"

they all smiled and then i told finneas i was gonna go smoke and all he told me was to be safe. we went to the backyard and sat on the steps. taliya took out one blunt out of her 'weed bag' and she lit it up. we smoked the one blunt in like ten minutes. i was already high, but i wanted to keep smoking.

about thirty five minutes later, we finished smoking all the blunts and i was faded. i felt like i was on cloud-9. i was supper hungry, but i missed how good it felt being high. i hated being sober.

while smoking, the other four told me how they missed hanging out with me. izzy said she felt betrayed because i began hanging out with kylie and how all of a sudden she became my best friend. of course i took kylie's back. i told them how kylie was the best thing to happen to me. she actually talks to me and understands me, and i was never going to stop hanging out with her. it was kylie over all of them.

taliya asked me if i had feelings for kaylani and i simply told her i did. i told her i don't have feelings for nobody but kaylani. she brought out the best in me, and i knew that hurt taliya, but i was just being honest. i don't lie.

we went back inside, ate, danced to music. being high made everything taste better, feel better. i hated being sober and i'm probably gonna have to start hitting my plug up for some exotic.

i was talking to claudia about some random shit, and then all of a sudden, her eyes went wide as she looked behind me. me being high, i got paranoid, but i didn't see anybody else's eyes widen, so i was probably being paranoid for no
reason.

i turned around and i saw kaylani. kaylani was standing behind me with a gift and my eyes widened.

"happy birthday," she told me, her voice cracking.

i grabbed her arm softly and walked her to my room. i closed the door, grabbed the gift placed it on the bed and i pulled her into a hug. i felt her arms wrap around my waist tightly and i just melted into the hug.

"i miss you," i whispered, pulling back from the hug and holding her face in my hands. "i miss you so much,"

"i miss you too," she responded. "i bought you a gift. i got you shoes and some shirts. i hope you like it,"

"i'll like whatever you give me," i replied and i seen her smile. the smile that i missed. "wanna sit?"

she nodded her head, and she took off her shoes, sitting on the bed and i also removed my shoes, sitting on the bed also but across from her.

"how you been?" i asked.

"i've been okay. i've been getting better day by day, you?" she questioned.

i just nodded my head. i missed kaylani so much. i'm so glad she came to see me. she looked happier than when i saw her last in the detention room and in the bathroom when she told me off.

"i'm sorry for making you react that way last time," i apologized. "i hope you're okay now. whatever happened to make you cry on my lap that day, i hope you're okay kaylani. you really worried me,"

"don't apologize," she said sternly, shaking her head. "and i need to talk to you..about the party. about what happened," my eyes widened in shock, but i wanted to know what happened. i wanna comfort her. "before i start, you reek of weed,"

i laughed and i ran my fingers through my hair. "yeah, i smoked three blunts earlier. i'm high as fuck right now,"

she just smiled at me. god, how i missed that smile.

"sophomore year," she began. "i was friends with this guy freshman year and he was a sophomore. he began being my friend because him and kylie were friends. he was nice. hung out with kylie and i a lot. so, he caught feelings for me during summer time before sophomore year i guess..he was cute. tall. ya know? kylie knew his feelings for me and she allowed him to date me. we started dating first week of school and he was my first boyfriend. we dated for 11 months. first five months, he treated me with respect and love. he told me he loved me first. he would take me out on dates, buy me gifts here and there, and of course i would do the same back. he started treating me poorly and more aggressively around march..when it started getting warmer. my body started to progress and he started treating me more with aggressiveness. kissing me more aggressively, controlling who i can and can't hang with. he wasn't soft to me anymore,"

i didn't know where this was going but i was already mad. my madness was probably at a 4 rn, from 1-10, i'm at a 4.

"i turned 16 in august. this year. i had a little sweet 16," she continued. "family and friends came. i was wearing a tight white spaghetti strapped dress and some cute black heels. i had extensions and my makeup was done. he was there of course, my family loved him, everybody loved him. that day, whenever we were by ourselves, he would grip my thighs harshly, kiss me with force, tell me i was sexy. not beautiful, gorgeous..nothing. just sexy. so, after my party was done, he wanted me to sleep over and i slept over his house before. my moms told me it was okay. we went to his house, he surprised me with sunflowers and daisy's, edible arrangements, shoes, clothes. and he thought because he gave me gifts..he thought he could touch me,"

"fuck you mean touch you?" i asked her. now my madness was at a 6.

"lemme continue," she pleaded and i nodded. "we was in his room, chilling. my makeup was off, i took out my extensions and i had on pajamas. shorts and a tank top, comfortable. he started kissing on me..aggressively. he was touching me all over. he choked me, and choking is okay, but the way he did it? i didn't like it. he did it too aggressively. i told him to stop, but he didn't stop. he kept kissing me. i tried pushing him off of me, he didn't budge. then..then he tried touching me down there and i told him no, and i was crying. i thought he was gonna rape me. on my birthday. i was a virgin, still a virgin. i was scared, i wasn't ready to have sex. i kept pleading him to stop. nobody was home. he choked me so hard i thought i was gonna pass out. and he told me i asked for it because of what i was wearing. i pushed him off of me and kicked him on his dick and that's when i ran out. i left my dress and other things there and i ran out with my phone. barefoot. i called kylie while running back to my house and i told her to come get me. i could've got kidnapped..and we broke up after that,"

i got up furiously. i was heated. on a scale of 1-10, i was fucking 100.

"who the fuck is he kaylani?" i asked her, my voice rising.

"bil, pl–"

"–you got five seconds to tell me who the fuck he is. oh so help me right now kaylani. who the fuck is he, huh?" i snapped at her.

"let me finish okay? please?" she begged, her voice cracking a little. "you cannot get mad,"

"i can't get mad?" i yelled. "you're gonna sit here and tell me you almost got fucking raped and you're gonna tell me i can't get mad?"

"okay," she whispered. "let me finish, please,"

i didn't say anything. all i see is red and black right now. i was high, i wanted to punch the shit outta something. i wanted to beat whoever 'he' is.

"at the party, when i went to go get water..remember?" she asked me. i didn't nod, nothing, but she continued talking. "he was there and he had me against the fridge by the back of my neck. told me if i told anybody about summer, he'll kill me,"

fuck no.

i grabbed my keys, slid on my shoes and tried going for the door, but kaylani jumped up and grabbed me back.

"let me go," i growled. "you cannot tell me to relax or calm the fuck down after you told me this shit. i'm gonna find him and i'm gonna beat the fucking shit out of him kaylani. i swear to my fucking soul,"

"bil, i know you're mad, but violence isn't the answer," she responded softly. "i told you this because i trust you. i'm mad at him, i'm not mad at you. i never was,"

"kaylani," i spoke up. "let me go,"

"no. stop,"

i turned around and i looked at her. i was looking down at her since i towered over here and she looked up at me.

"you tell me a dude almost raped you. then, you tell me the reason you cried on my lap for thirty minutes, distanced yourself from your family and juliana is because of him. and you're telling me i can't find out who he is, go to his house and beat the shit outta him?" i asked her, my voice low and calm. it's terrible when i'm calm and mad.

"just stay here and celebrate your birthday," kaylani said and i rolled my eyes, running my hands through my hair. "for me?"

i looked at her and she was giving me big puppy dog eyes. i just wanted to kiss her so bad, but we're only friends.

"don't do that," i groaned. "i'm still gonna beat the fuck outta him when i find out who he is. no fucking mercy. i'll make that pussy boy bleed and i put that on fucking finneas. if i see him, i'm busting his ass. ima make him bleed. no mercy,"

"billie.." kaylani warned me. "i don't want to think about that, please,"

"fine," i rolled my eyes. "let's go downstairs,"

she put her shoes on and she grabbed my hands which made my heart melt. she smiled at me and then we made our way downstairs where everybody was. a few minutes after, kylie and juliana came and i payed attention to them than the other four.

i really couldn't enjoy my birthday. i kept thinking about kaylani and the guy. i know i let it slide, but i was never gonna let it slide until i found out who he is and i beat the fuck outta him.

it's over for him.

•

hey babies !

i know i haven't updated 'call out my name' in a while, but it's gonna be soon. i'm suddenly getting so much writers block.

i already wrote the end of this book. do y'all think i wrote a happy or a sad ending? try to guess what the ending is gonna be ;) !

also, i lost somebody close to me again yesterday. i've been losing so much people this year that it doesn't even hurt anymore lol. i just feel like i'm next and i'm prepared tbh.

so if anything happens, i love y'all and thank you for supporting me and my two books <3.

thoughts? what do you guys think billie is gonna do?

– armani 🦋