Summary: I was watching Turn 3x10 and I had an idea for a drabble following the death of Andre. I don't know yet if this will be canon to OLAW, but here's a bit of Ben & Lydia angst.

Ben entered the room he shared with his wife. It had been several hours since Andre's sentence had been carried out and his nerves were raw. The situation would have been difficult enough without the complication of Lydia. Lydia was taking his death the turn of events rather hard. She sat on their bed in her shift, her cheeks tear-stained. But she didn't once look at him since he had entered the room. It was as if she were avoiding him.

Ben cleared his throat, hoping to garner her attention. She still refused. Ben sighed. There was something between them and he was certain he knew what...or rather who it was. With all the courage he could muster, Ben dropped to his knees at his wife's side.

"Lydia, I'll only ask this once and never speak of it again, but I must know. Did you l--love him?" His voice quavered on the word love. He wasn't sure he wanted an answer, but he deserved as much from her. He needed to know going forward if Andre would always be between them.

But her eyes refused to meet his. Instead, she sat with her eyes on the ceiling and biting her bottom lip so hard it drew blood. Ben put his hand on her arms and shook her, forcing her to look at him. "I need to know."

"Why? Will you leave me if I did?" she asked narrowing her eyes at him. Ben didn't respond.

"Will you?" Lydia repeated.

"N-no, of course not," Ben stammered.

Lydia scoffed not believing him. "Where is this insecurity of yours coming from?" She narrowed her eyes at him. "Is this because he saved me when you couldn't? Because he was willing to stand up to my father for my hand when you couldn't? Because he was willing to let me be a part of something bigger than myself? Because he saw what I was capable of and didn't let it scare him? Is all this because you're scared of living in Andre's shadow as far as I'm concerned?"

Ben hadn't been until that moment when Lydia had listed his deficiencies to Andre in her mind. Her tone was cold and cut Ben straight through the core. He knew grief made people irrational at times, but he had never seen Lydia like this. Lydia pushed Ben away from her and walked to the other side of the room, away from him. She folded her arms across her chest and looked out the window as she continued to speak.

"If I had obeyed my father like I ought to, a good man wouldn't be dead right now."

Ben's brow furrowed. "Lydia..." he said as gently as he could, despite his temper daring to flare.

She sharply turned on her heel and gazed at him with an intensity he rarely saw directed at him. "If I hadn't run away with to be with you, none of this would have ever happened," she hissed.

"You couldn't have married him." Ben's voice was stern as he walked toward his wife. It was the tone he used with his men...not his wife. "Not even if you had wanted to. You were already mine." He rested his hands on her arms, but she quickly shook him off.

"Not if I had listened to my father in the first place about you." .Lydia pointed a shaky finger at him. "If I had never married you, then Andre never would have had reason to chase Peggy Shippen and he never would have gotten tangled up with Arnold and he wouldn't be dead right now."

Her words tore at him again. Was this truly how she felt? Or was it just too soon? Ben wasn't sure, but he tried to keep his tone as even as he could and his words impersonal. "Andre knew what he was doing was dangerous."

"But he didn't know about me! He didn't know my part in all this. That the moment he decided to save me from Cooke, he signed his death warrant!" She was shaking and tears were streaming down her cheeks. "I almost told my father about us, you know," she said softly. "Maybe I should have."

"You were right not to tell him," Ben said. "If you had he would have found a way to have our marriage annulled." He tried to reach out to touch her, but she dodged his grasp. Ben felt like his heart was breaking. He had never known Lydia to so frequently refuse his touch. But she wasn't done yet.

"Exactly." Her tone was icy and her eyes almost looked dead. "And then I would have been free to marry John and save him from his fate."

Ben's throat swelled and he tried to choke back tears that threatened to spill. "So you did love Andre."

""No," Lydia barely croaked, pausing for a moment before continuing. "I didn't love him. But it's far worse than that....I very easily could have and because of that, I am responsible for a man's death. And that is a cross I will have to bear for the rest of my life."