Monday 15th February, 1977

I didn't want to get up the next day. I found myself crawling deeper under my covers, wishing for blissful relief of sleep to wash away all my problems.

This wasn't happening. It couldn't be happening. How could it be happening? Nothing was happening-

"Y/n?"

Lily's voice was soft, quiet, as she entered my dorm. I felt a weight on the side of my bed and knew Lily had sat down, but I still didn't want to get up.

"Y/n, what happened?" she asked.

Everything. Everything happened. No, nothing. Nothing happened. Nothing was happening. This wasn't happening. It couldn't be happening. How could it be happening? Nothing was happening-

"Y/n talk to me," Lily pleaded. "What's wrong?"

Reluctantly, I pulled the covers off of me, letting myself pull me into a sitting position. Lily, no doubt noticing my tear stained cheeks, waited in silence for me to tell her what happened.

And I did.

I told her everything. I poured my heart out to her, trying in vain to explain my feelings, how this made me feel. I was a mess of emotions, each one pulling at me, trying to make me focus on it, but there were too many. Too many to focus on, to decipher. I was a mess.

After my explanation, Lily hugged me. Just that. No words of encouragement, of advice. She just held me, and I found that that was what I'd been craving since I found out Regulus was engaged. We stayed in that position for a while, until finally Lily spoke.

"The boys are really worried about you," she whispered. "They saw you enter the Common Room crying last night."

"Don't tell them anything," I sniffed. "Please."

Lily untangled herself from me, much to my displeasure. I really just wanted to be held. "I won't if you get up and have breakfast with me."

I frowned, but knew Lily would stand right there until I did what she asked, so I relented. When we arrived at the Great Hall, I knew it was a mistake as I received an onslaught of questions and queries from my friends.

"I don't really want to talk about it," I said, hoping they would back off.

Most of them did, except James who stayed rooted in front of me, his eyes searching my face. I was about to tell him to leave it when he wrapped his arms around me and hugged me tightly. There were no words spoken. He just hugged me, and I found myself leaning into his touch, holding him just as tightly, squeezing my eyes shut to avoid the tears.

"I love you," he murmured.

"I love you too," I replied, voice muffled from where I had my face pressed against his chest.

Once we both pulled back I sat down, pretending like I didn't just have a moment with my brother, and in front of the whole school too; how embarrassing.

I started eating, determined not to stare at him, but it was as if he was magnetic, because I found myself staring at Regulus against my will. He looked tired, and sad. His eyes flicked up to mine, a pleading expression taking over his face and I looked away, feeling a pang of sadness.

I was upset. My boyfriend was engaged to someone else. I was hurting. I knew it wasn't his choice to be engaged to someone else, that he didn't want to, and I wasn't trying to blame him. I just felt so overwhelmed, so shocked and hurt, and I needed space. I needed time to process things, to try and get my thoughts in order before I talked to him, because I knew if I talked to him now, with the feelings still fresh and my mind still a tangle of confusion, things wouldn't go well.

Then there was Selena Rowle. The girl he was engaged to. The very thought of her incensed me. I felt this giant, horrid feeling of intense hatred towards her, a foul, bitter feeling rotting inside me. Part of me knew it wasn't her fault either, that she might've been unhappy with this arrangement as well, but that didn't help the jealousy that seemed to be strangling me. It didn't help the vicious feelings and thoughts I had of her, even though I knew they were wrong.

I didn't eat much of breakfast, yet I stayed at the Great Hall until the very last minute, dreading my first class. Charms. With Regulus. When I could procrastinate no longer, I slowly made my way to the class, arriving just as the bell went.

My eyes found Regulus's instantly. He was waiting for me, the empty seat next to him meant for me. Oh Merlin. I couldn't do this. I couldn't do this. I couldn't-

"Miss Potter, please take your seat," the professor said.

I found my legs walking on their own accord, taking me right to Regulus. I sat down silently, and immediately Regulus was whispering into my ear, listing explanations and apologies and everything else I felt too fragile to handle at the moment.

"Regulus, stop," I said.

"But Y/n-"

"Please, just stop. I can't do this with you at the moment. I'm not ready. I need time."

Regulus looked at me for a long moment before nodding slowly and leaning back, giving me some space. Even though its what I asked for, it still felt like a knife to the heart. The rest of the class passed by in silence, and as soon as the bell went I was up and out of my seat, leaving the classroom just as Regulus stood up.

The rest of the day went by gloomily. Everything seemed to remind me of Regulus and the current problem at hand, no matter how much I wanted to just forget it. The marauders had started getting worried; Remus had even pulled me aside privately to see what happened.

"Y/n, we're worried," Remus said, his eyes full of concern as they looked down at me. "Is it something to do with Regulus?"

Just hearing his name made me want to cry, and before I knew it I blurted out, "he's engaged to someone else."

Remus's mouth was agape as he stared at me, his mind trying to process what I just said. "...what?"

"He got a letter from his mother yesterday, saying he was engaged to Selena Rowle," I explained. "They're to be married in the summer."

"Y/n..." Remus started, taking a step forward.

That's all I needed to launch myself into his arms and burry my head into his sweater. Remus held me tightly, resting his chin on my head. I let out a shuddering breath, feeling a little bit of the tension leave me as I hugged Remus.

"I'm sorry this happened Y/n," Remus said.

"Yeah, me too."

. . .

Thursday 18th February, 1977

It had been 4 days since I found out Regulus got engaged, and I still hadn't talked to him. I knew I needed to, but whenever I entertained the idea I felt the immediate reaction to run away. I wasn't ready.

I wasn't sure I would ever be.

I was staring at the fire in the Gryffindor Common Room when James sat next to me. I continued staring into the flames until I felt his leg nudge mine, and I reluctantly turned to look at him.

"Hey," he said quietly.

"Hey," I replied.

James stared at me pleadingly. "What's wrong Y/n? I hate seeing you so upset, and I hate not knowing why and not being able to help. Tell me what happened."

I stared at my brother, at the almost eager way he sat, and I remembered the need he had to help others. He wasn't happy if his family wasn't. I knew I needed to tell him some version of the truth in order to soothe him.

"I have a... friend," I said. "They mean a lot to me, but recently they found out that they... belong to someone else, in a sense. They don't want to, but they don't have much of a choice, and because they belong to this other person, they can't be my friend anymore. Or at least, not without lots of precautions and probably a good amount of pain too."

James was quiet as he took in my words. "Well, that sounds fucking confusing, for one, but I think I might understand."

I looked up at him. "Yeah?"

He nodded his head. "Yeah."

"So, what do I do then?"

Again, James went quiet, thinking. I was grateful I could count on him to help me, even if he didn't have the full picture. "Well, from the sound of it, this friend is hurting just as much as you, seeing as he doesn't want to... belong to this other person. I think talking about it might help. You both don't want to lose each other, so maybe together you can come up with a solution."

I thought about what he said. "Thank you."

"You're welcome," he said, then added, "you're not going to tell me who this friend is, are you?"

I shook my head.

"Well, they're obviously very important to you, so try not to mess it up."

I cracked a smile, playfully nudging James's shoulder with my own. James, pleased to see me smile, nudged me back, before resting his chin on my shoulder.

"I love you, Y/n."

"I love you too, I guess," I mumbled.

"Oi!"

I laughed, and soon James was laughing with me too. I thought about what he said, and I came to a decision.

I was going to talk to Regulus.

A/N:

don't we all just love some unhealthy avoidance of problems? i sure do, and from the way y/n avoided talking to regulus, she does too!

anyway, decided to update today bc i had a giant mental breakdown from reading the most recent chapters on crimson rivers (i had procrastinated reading them bc i was scared... and rightfully so)

EDIT: just realised it already is friday... 😐

um yeah so i'm a literal mess of tears and pain and i decided 'hey, why not spread some love that i no longer have in my heart because crimson rivers took it away?' and so here we are

for any people wondering, crimson rivers is a fic on ao3 by zeppazariel about the Marauders And Friends in a hunger games au. i highly recommend it bc aside from the pain its an amazing story with spectacular writing. just be careful to read the warnings and look after yourself when reading <3