「paved the road to hell
we've been down this path before
and every execution
the price of your collusion」

♫architects; a match made in heaven

✩ s a n ✩

Dark hair, hollow cheeks and an empty stare. Hongjoong stood as frozen, as San came closer with slow steps - but his heart could not be calmed down.

Living in the shadows for so long had been hard, but San knew the prize of it would be worth it. What he hadn't expected however, was how much he would miss Hongjoong's pretty smile and shining eyes.

San wanted to kiss him so badly, but he also knew that someone else's lips had been there while he was away. Someone, whose tongue spoke only lies, and whose rotten heart pumped hatred directly into the veins.

Seonghwa. Evil was left behind from the touch of his lips, and violence by his hands.

"You... You're supposed to be..." Hongjoong's voice was shaking, much like every single part of his body while he stared with disbelief in San's direction.

"Dead?" San said, finishing the sentence that seemed to get stuck in Hongjoong's throat, and with a slight smirk he added: "Sorry to disappoint you."

Their reunion had come earlier than planned, but as they stood in front of each other again San didn't mind the sudden change of plans. The lack of reaction caused by the shock of seeing him alive, had been expected - and San waited patiently for Hongjoong to be able to take it all in.

Then it happened; tears - rivers flowing down his cheeks, dripping onto his shirt and sobs shook up his body, while he let go of sounds like he was drowning inside himself. Hongjoong broke down, almost fell to his knees, just as San reached out for him - pulled him back up and held him tight, with his head resting against the chest where the heart was beating and very much alive.

"I'm sorry," San whispered, gentle stroking Hongjoong over his hair, while repeating his apology over and over. Standing there together after all the time that had passed, made it feel so unreal, but San knew that the words he spoke the last time they looked into each other's eyes were indeed true.

Suddenly, Hongjoong pulled away - stumbled backwards while drying his eyes with the back of his hand. He then looked up, with a look in his eyes that San had never seen before.

He was right there, right in front of him - but at the same time it was like he wasn't there at all. Hongjoong had changed, and San hated that he knew the reason why.

"Why?" Hongjoong asked. "Why did you do it?"

San hesitated. He wanted to tell the truth, it was the reason he had brought Hongjoong over after all. But seeing him now, made San question if he could trust him at all - if he had made a huge mistake by revealing himself.

"Can I trust you?"

"Do you even know the word trust?" Hongjoong scoffed, walking around the room with a side eyeing glaring keeping track of San's every movement.

"I love you," San bluntly responded. "Isn't that enough for now?"

It hurt to say it out loud in the uncomfortable situation they were in, it didn't feel right, but the reason behind that hurting feeling was deeper than just San's pride. He was sure he loved Hongjoong, so much it had felt like his heart was being stabbed at night whenever he thought of him - but, all those lonely nights, stuck with his thoughts and the memories of everything he had done, had made him realize that he didn't deserve those feelings to be reciprocated.

"Yeosang loved me too. And now he's dead, so," it coldly came from Hongjoong, and the way his voice lowered made San raise a brow.

Perhaps the change in him was too big, too powerful and the damage it had caused was worse than imagined...

San sat down on a chair near the window, exhaling sharply while rubbing his hands against his face. He knew Yeosang had done something drastic, but before now he didn't know exactly what. Although it had been clear in his voice when they spoke on the phone earlier, San still couldn't believe that the younger would end it like that - with everything he had sacrificed.

~ flashback ~

"How can I ever trust you? You're a Choi, after all..."

A low chuckle left the older male in front of him, and a pair of eyes filled with alluring, but terrifying darkness looked at him. "Do you have any other choice?"

Yeosang dumped down on a chair, with the table between them, and a lump was forming in his throat when he spoke quietly.

"No..." he barely even whispered. "What is the new plan then, Jongho?"

"I'll take it from here," San said, eyeing Yeosang who looked back at him with weary eyes.

Jongho turned his head towards San who nodded once, as a signal that he had things under control. The younger brother then got up and left the room, leaving San alone with Yeosang.

"You have no plan, do you?" Yeosang hissed, suddenly seeming a little more alive than before.

It had been that way every time they met, the spite would flare up in his grey eyes and his entire demeanor changed. San sat down on the opposite side of the table, face to face with the one he had hurt so much - and now was conspiring with to take down someone even worse than San himself.

What a strange world...

"Not yet," San confessed, and Yeosang instantly rolled his eyes at him. "But. I will soon. Don't worry, I promised you I would save you both."

"And Seonghwa promised me to save Hongjoong from you. And how did that turn out?"

"Don't give me that attitude," San snorted, and his fingertips were itching from the mention of his older brother. "We are nothing alike!"

"You are exactly the same!"

"Stop it!" The sudden sound of San slamming his hands against the table caused Yeosang to flinch back in his chair.

The blonde hair swayed around his face, and despite how pretty he still looked, San almost felt sick whenever he looked at him and what the change of his hair actually meant.

San rose from his seat and walked around the table to squat down next to Yeosang. He reached his hand out and gently brushed away a golden lock of hair, which again made the younger move uneasily on the chair.

"I'm sorry..." San then said, finally catching Yeosang's flickering eyes, and held his hand out towards him. He instantly regretted his outburst, he knew how important it was to stay on good terms with Yeosang - to keep track on Seonghwa, where and when he went somewhere and getting as much information about the things happening inside the mansion in the woods.

Yeosang sighed heavily, but he did accept San's hand to hold his own. The touch was shallow, emotionless, but at the same time needed, as the comfort both of each other was the only sense of that both them were able to get.

"San..." the younger mumbled under his breath, eyes swaying away and the look on his face changed. Terrified. "I don't want to go back there..."

"I know..." San whispered, getting up and pulling Yeosang up to stand as well.

It was the same every time, but although the pain was clear on his face Yeosang rarely cried. He let San embrace him like many times before, and he stood in silence, shaking, trying to control his breathing.

San knew everything by then, everything Seonghwa had done to the, now, blonde. How he tried to keep him under control with drugs - but how he despised the drug use at the same time. It didn't make much sense, but anyone who knew the real Seonghwa, knew how nothing happening in his sick mind made sense at all.

"Do you want to stay the night?" San asked softly, running his hands over the fabric of Yeosang's shirt. Underneath was something hidden, which he had seen the couple of times they had spent the night together after their rendezvous began - something which he also carried on his own body as well.

He remembered their first time together, after his supposed death, so clearly. The self-loathing that had crossed Yeosang's face after they were done, and how he had whispered into his own hands "I am so fucked up..." San understood why, very well, but it was the entire situation that was fucked up, and they had gotten stuck in the middle of it all.

"I can't, he is expecting me," Yeosang whispered back, but he looked up with his eyes saying how much he wished he could stay.

To be anywhere but with Seonghwa.

Whatever it would take to keep Yeosang sane enough for San and Jongho to but enough time to take Seonghwa down, San would do it. But time was running out, and so was the younger's patience and will to go on.

"Here, I'll give you something to get through the night on." San let go of Yeosang who let out a small whine of losing the warmth of the embrace, and he silently watched as San searched for something in his pocket. "It's okay, it's not that strong, he won't notice."

"Thank you..." With the pill on his tongue, Yeosang looked into San's eyes, and the terror was rising in his own. He was so desperate that boy, desperate for a way out - an end to it all, but he was also way stronger than San first had assumed.

Yeosang then stayed silent for a short while, staring out the window and into the bleak darkness that surrounded them. He wanted to cry, it was obvious, but as always he didn't let himself do it. When he finally turned his face to look at San again, it didn't take long before their lips touched.

With the younger's tongue swirling around his own, San was pushed down to sit on the couch behind them, and with Yeosang sitting over his lap - but where lust should have been, there was only the desperation of wanting to feel anything but completely lost.

"I don't want to go back," Yeosang repeated his words from before, with his lips brushing against San's. His eyes were closed, and his hands clenched around San's shirt - trembling.

Stroking Yeosang's hair, and down his cheeks, San whispered in his ear: "It won't last much longer, I promise you." But to Yeosang, a promise from Choi San didn't mean much.

"I want to be the one who kills him," Yeosang then said, pulling back a bit to send a piercing stare directly into San's eyes. "Even if it means I'll have to die afterwards, I don't care. I want to be the one."

A small nod was the only response San could let go of, as the determination in the younger's eyes were so strong that even San felt intimidated by it. Maybe he had been living in the shadows for way too long...

"But you need to hurry, or I will come up with a plan by myself," Yeosang added. "Hongjoong isn't like you and me. Damaged. He won't survive Seonghwa... His body might, but his soul will die long before."

"I will do whatever I can to get everything ready as soon as possible."

Yeosang narrowed his eyes, and with a simple nod he moved away from San's lap and got up to leave the room. While the younger was putting on his jacket, San watched him from the couch, and the painful look on his face was tugging at San's heartstrings.

He could never take back what he did to Yeosang, but hopefully he would be able to give him the only thing he truly wanted in the world.

"Yeosang..." he called out, as the younger reached out for the door handle.

A strange look was sent San's way, from the grey eyes that looked emptier than ever before.

"Don't... Don't say my name like that..." Yeosang mumbled, as he looked away again.

"Like what?"

With a last glance over his shoulder, Yeosang sighed - and his voice was so low it was barely even heard.

"Like I'm actually worth anything."

✩

A/N: if I didn't make it clear enough throughout the chapter, this isn't some "falling in love with your r*pist, or even forgiving him" kinda thing. They have no one else, and both are desperate of various reasons, but still need some comfort and intimacy they can't currently find somewhere else, to get a brief escape from reality.

This story is supposed to be twisted, it's supposed to mess up your mind just a tiny bit ;')

And don't worry, we will get to the reveal of how San faked his own death very soon...