「the demons that I fight
are too strong for me
but everywhere I reach
cold stone is all I see」

♫grusom; cold stone

✩ h o n g j o o n g ✩
mature

Heartbeat; fast, hurting his chest.

Breathing; heavy, with the air burning in his lungs.

It was the strangest moment where he felt everything all at once - but at the same time he felt absolutely nothing, and he desperately wanted to feel just something.

Something other than pain, other than the helplessness of being held captured inside his own skin.

The skin, which was being beat up by the water pouring down over him, with such force that the shower-head was shaking above him. Whether the water was icing cold or burning hot, was something he didn't even register - his body was completely and utterly numb, as he sat all curled up in the corner of the shower.

The blood that had stained his hair and drawn red streaks across his skin, had washed away long ago, and time had passed by without him moving even a single muscle. Even when he closed his eyes, all he could see was the face of the poor dead boy on the floor, and the way his own vision had turned crimson when the stranger's blood had filled his eyes and mind.

Hongjoong stared straight ahead, directly into the opposite white tiled wall, while the water was streaming down his back, and pulling his will to live with it down the drain.

If tears had fallen from his eyes he didn't even notice, and in the end all the remained was the overwhelming pain - the pain of knowing someone had been killed right in front of him, and he hadn't been able to stop it, and the pain of Seonghwa's hands on his body, and what he did to him on the bloody table.

And no amount of water would ever be able to wash that away.

The skin on his fingers were white and wrinkly when he finally stepped out of the shower, but as soon as he stood up on his shaking legs, his entire insides turned.

As he stood alone in the bathroom, swallowed by the silence that was left behind after he turned off the shower, the harrowing sound of bones cracking repeated itself in his head. It echoed through his ears, and left him heaving for air.

His vision was distorted, blinded, and he fell to the floor with gagging noises forcing themselves up his dry throat. His stomach was empty, and there was nothing to throw up although his body so persistently insisted for him to do.

Then he felt them, the tears, running down his cheeks in deep frustration over the inability to get rid of the pain that stormed through his entire body. He was shaking, uncontrollably, supporting himself against the edge of the sink while turning the tap on - then drinking so much water he almost drowned in it.

It had one purpose only, and as soon as he felt it was enough, he fell to his knees again only to puke down the toilet bowl. And he repeated that, several times, until his throat was burning and his head spinning.

"Deep down you are just like me." The older's voice clawed its way through his memory, dug deeply into his vulnerable mind, and as it planted the first seed Hongjoong was too weak to fight it.

Getting dressed and heading into his bedroom happened in a heavy haze, and there was no comfort to find even cuddled up on the bed, hiding under the covers. In his hand he held on tight to a small plastic bag, which Seonghwa had slipped into his pocket before sending him back to his room.

He shouldn't, he really shouldn't, but did he even have a choice anymore? Did he have any free will left, or was every move he made carefully orchestrated by someone who had way more power than him?

Hongjoong closed his eyes as tears began to well up again, and while keeping them shut tight he fiddled with the small bag and got one of the pills out between his shaking, cold fingers. He didn't even know what it was, but he also didn't care - and so, he popped the pill into his mouth and swallowed it right away.

✩

The sun came and went outside the small window, more than once, but Hongjoong stayed in his bed - left in the unknown of how much time had actually passed by. He drifted off to sleep now and then, but no longer than a few hours per time - and the nightmares he would have would wake up him instantly.

He would see the eyes of the wounded blonde boy so clearly, staring into his soul with a look that told him that only one thing in life was certain. Death.

But the nightmares became stronger with each one, vivid and terrifying. He felt everything on his own skin. He felt the touch of the dried blood, his hand squeezing around a helpless neck, and he heard the sound of chains clanking against each other.

It all repeated itself in his head, even when he was awake, and he cried so much his eyes got red and sore. He desperately clenched his hands around the sheet of the bed, begging the nightmares to leave him alone. He was terrified, as his mind got drained and his sanity started to slip away.

Joshua left him food outside his bedroom, but the blonde didn't disturb him. He also wasn't called down to work, which would have been surprising had Hongjoong not been so far gone in his own mind. Days had passed, and he felt nothing but emptiness inside. He would shower when Joshua had left for work, and rub his skin so hard he left marks on himself, but little did it help. He was still caught, within himself.

"Hongjoong?" A small knock was heard, before Joshua carefully opened the door and peeked inside. It had been days since Hongjoong had seen him, seen anyone, and he stared at his roommate with eyes so blank he barely even noticed him.

The shining blue eyes looked back at him full of worry, so much it might as well have been real - but in a place like that, Hongjoong doubted that any emotions actually were anything but complete bullshit.

"I brought you something to eat..." The blonde then said, and with cautious steps he entered the room with a tray in his hands.

Staring at the sliced pieces of apple, and the small sandwich that was brought in and placed next to him on the bed, Hongjoong felt the hunger rise in his stomach - but a nauseating feeling soon took over, and the thought of putting any of it into his mouth almost made him gag. He had barely eaten anything lately, running to the bathroom to throw up every time anyway, and relying on the last drugs Seonghwa had provided him.

He sighed heavily while glaring at Joshua. The blonde locks were in soft curls around his face, and a faded glitter drawn over his eyelids. The blue eyes narrowed down a bit, when he noticed Hongjoong looking at him - and a soft touch suddenly brushed over Hongjoong's hand.

"Do you need me to make you feel good again?" Joshua then asked, picking up an apple slice and reaching it out towards Hongjoong's mouth. "You liked it last time, didn't you?"

The sweet taste of the apple graced his lips, as Joshua slowly moved the fruit back and forth while staring deeply into Hongjoong's eyes.

"I'll gladly do it again, you don't even have to ask," he whispered seductively, running his tongue at his pink upper lip.

Caught by the blue eyes, Hongjoong let his tongue twist around the apple slice and slowly pull it into his mouth. His teeth tore the soft fruit apart, but with every chew he felt a growing need for sinking his teeth into something else.

Something that so temptingly was offering itself to him - but also something he probably should stay away from.

"I don't want to..." He mumbled, as he drew his eyes away and moved to expand the distance between them. A small pout showed on Joshua's face, but the fire in his eyes stayed the same.

"But you need to..." It then came from the blonde next to him. "And I need you to, Hongjoong."

Hongjoong hesitated, but did turn his head to look at Joshua in that moment. The neediness was beaming from the other's awaiting eyes, and the way he bit into his lower lip before slowly licking it, made Hongjoong's skin tickle.

"Use me however you like..." The touch of Joshua's lips brushed against Hongjoong's earlobe, as the blonde leaned closer to whisper his next words, and a playful lick was left behind as well.

Despite the beautiful face, the pretty smile and the shining eyes, Hongjoong didn't feel actually attracted to him - and as they barely even knew each other still, he didn't care about him in a deeper level either.

But Joshua did offer him one thing that he desperately needed; to feel in control.

And it didn't take more than that to convince Hongjoong's deranged mind. With his fingers tangled into the blonde locks, and his tongues shoved into the warm mouth, he pushed Joshua down to lie under him.

Their kiss was one big mess, strings of saliva drawn across their faces and loud gasps in between. Joshua let Hongjoong's tongue dominate his own right away, and caused a new feeling so ignite - maybe he was right, maybe this was exactly what Hongjoong needed.

"You want me to use you, hm?" Hongjoong groaned into the blonde's ear, while undressing him with aggressive hands, driven completely by his own deepest desire.

He didn't let Joshua answer, before pushing two fingers into his mouth to let his tongue swirl around them and make them wet. Only seconds later Hongjoong moved his hand down between the blonde's legs and teased him just around his tight hole.

Sweet moans floated in the air, and Joshua impatiently moved around on the bed, with eyes begging for Hongjoong to push the first finger inside.

"Asked you a question," Hongjoong then heard himself growl, with a voice that had never come out from his lips before. His one hand suddenly closed around Joshua's neck, and the other letting one finger slip inside.

The grip tightened, and only a small whine escaped before struggling moans took over. Hongjoong let another finger push inside, and pumped the two of them in and out, faster and faster.

And the pretty blonde could whimper and twist his body all he wanted, but the way his eyes darkened with lust, and the precum dripping from the tip of his hard cock against his toned stomach, said it all. This boy was a true submissive, and a desperately needy one at that. If he wanted it so badly, Hongjoong was going to give it to him just right...

"Yes, p-please..." Joshua replied, gasping for air as Hongjoong released his grip.

It should have scared him, how much it turned him on to be the one in charge - to be able to just use another human being in any way he pleased. But it didn't. Maybe, and hopefully, it was due to the fact that Joshua so willingly let him - but what if it wasn't... What if, this was the darkness inside of him that Seonghwa had seen, the one they had in common...

'This is power. This is what I am offering you...'

With the dangerous thoughts clouding his mind, he held the blonde down in a firm grip as their bodies rammed together on the small bed. The perfectly shaped ass jiggled so nicely, each and every time Hongjoong thrusted deeper into it, and his hips hit so hard they might leave marks on the soft skin.

Marks he had been warned about, but which soon would be encouraged by someone else...

"H-hit me..." Joshua begged when he was being fucked from behind, wiggling his sweet ass against Hongjoong. "Please..."

"So needy..." Hongjoong chuckled, blinded by the unexplainable rush he felt the second the palm of his hand left big, red marks on the body under him.

Marks from his hands, marks from the belt he had used to tie the other's hands together, from his nails and teeth - Hongjoong didn't care about the consequences, he only cared about that one thing he needed more than anything else in the world.

That goddamn, fucking power.

And he felt that, exactly that, with a beautiful blonde boy under him, catering to his every need - letting him do whatever he wanted to, even if it hurt. Now and then a small tear fell from Joshua's eyes, but they disappeared unnoticed into the pillowcase.

The empty shell he had feared he had become, had been filled up again, and Hongjoong finally acknowledged how weak he had been all his life - and he refused to be weak any longer.

Not even the next day, when both he and Joshua was called to Seonghwa's office on the floor above...

✩

Seonghwa made them stand face to face, five feet apart, while he walked around both of them. Joshua seemed rather fearless, as he carelessly stared at Hongjoong in front of him, with a smirk on his face.

The older then walked over to stand right in front of Joshua, and he slowly began undressing the blonde, revealing the marks that had been left behind from the night.

"You did this?" Seonghwa asked, turning to look at Hongjoong.

It was so strange, he should have felt scared in that moment, but he didn't. He didn't flinch, didn't move at all, didn't have to swallow a lump in his throat or anything like that. Instead Hongjoong looked at the older, and with a cold voice he answered; "Yes."

Seonghwa looked at him, deeply into his eyes, as if he was searching every corner of Hongjoong's soul. Slowly, he turned back, looked at Joshua from top to toe before sending him a stern look, which told the blonde to leave the office right away.

"Is that so?" Seonghwa then said, standing right in front of Hongjoong. "Even after what I told you the last time?"

"Yes."

The older's face changed, not drastically but enough for it to be noticeable. He stroked a finger down Hongjoong's cheek and with a smirk he leaned in closer. Their lips almost touched, but Hongjoong refused to move away, even with he felt the older's strong hands at the buckle of his belt.

A low chuckle flew from Seonghwa's lips and tickled Hongjoong's ear, and a wild fire had erupted in the dark eyes, when Seonghwa pulled away again.

"Well then," he said. "I'm very proud of you. Hongjoong."

✩