「heaven's gates won't open up for me
with these broken wings I'm fallin'
and all I see is you 」

♫nickelback; savin' me

✩ h o n g j o o n g ✩
mature

The slamming of the door kept echoing in Hongjoong's ears, and even the temperature seemed to drop when he was left alone inside the white kitchen. Shivers were streaming down his back from the way Yeosang had looked at him - the eyes he used to love looking so deeply into, had glared at him with such hatred.

Yeosang was in love with Seonghwa... He wanted to be with him...

Or so, the younger claimed at least. Hongjoong made his way back to his room, with confusion raining down over him from the dark cloud that followed him.

Whatever sick plan or game this was, Hongjoong wanted nothing more than to get away from it. Or at least stay as far away from it as he possibly could.

His first day there had already brought him way too many surprises, and the fear of what was yet to come was creeping under his skin.

With a heavy sigh, he sat down on the bed inside the small room he now was forced to live in, while his heart was breaking at the memories of the life he used to have. The life he always had thought so poorly of, was something he had come to miss so endlessly in such a short amount of time.

Just hanging out in the old, rundown apartment - sitting on the windowsill and smoking cigarettes, while Mingi was lounging on the couch. He even missed his job at the strip club, and how glitter would still fall from his hair several showers after a show.

Why did he ever take it for granted...

But right there, in the middle of all his misery, Hongjoong realized that the worst part was that he missed San...

Hongjoong could still recall his voice, his touch and the way his smile had changed in the end - to something so sincere that it was impossible not to be affected by it. He missed the soft kisses that would be placed on his skin when they were cuddled up in San's bed, and even the cheesy compliments that used to make him cringe.

Sitting alone, far away from home and everything he used to know, Hongjoong felt so lost that he didn't know what to feel at all anymore. Maybe he simply confused his despair with love... He had hated San so much, after watching that heart wrenching video which was sent to him. But now, he had seen Yeosang in the arms of Seonghwa, and telling right from wrong had merged into a big blur of pure confusion.

At the sound of the door opening and closing, Hongjoong got pulled out of his thoughts, and only a few seconds later Joshua popped his head in through the open door to Hongjoong's room. Even with the distance between them, he could smell the heavy cologne that hung around the pretty blonde - and it wasn't the one Joshua himself had put on before leaving for work.

A purple silk shirt was unbuttoned all the way down to expose most of his chest, with the soft fabric flowing with every small movement he made. Such a graceful being, in such a horrible place.

"What's with the face?" the blonde asked. "You look like someone who's seen a ghost?"

"I have..." Hongjoong quietly mumbled back. And with his fingers diving through his golden locks, tugging them in frustration, he felt the tears welling up again.

Before he could even debate with himself whether or not to tell the truth about him and Yeosang, his lips had parted and words were floating into the room.

"Yeosang... I know him from back home... But... He hates me now..."

"Oh..." Joshua simply replied, and an unreadable look showed in his blue eyes. "I see..."

Cautious steps were taken towards Hongjoong's bed, before the blonde was sitting next to him on the edge of it.

"I'm sorry to hear that your reunion wasn't a happy one," he then said with a gentle hand brushing the hair away from Hongjoong's face. The touch was both comforting but also uncomfortable in some ways.

"That would be an understatement, to say the least..."

Hongjoong felt so lost inside his own feelings.

The only person he had ever confessed his love to, had become a stranger to him - and it hurt so bad. Not because Hongjoong still loved him, or well, he didn't know what he felt at that point... Yeosang had been gone for some time, and being with San had dared Hongjoong to believe that he could find love some place else - only to be torn apart again.

"You're really pretty, you know that?" Joshua suddenly said in a soft voice, but Hongjoong could only reply with a small huff. "What? It's the truth... If you want me to make you feel better, I'll do it."

Hongjoong's eyes flew open, and caught onto the blue ones watching him closely. If there was one thing he wasn't in the mood for, he was certain that it would be that. But at the same time he started to doubt his own wishes. At that point, he wasn't even sure if he would ever get to feel desire flowing through his body again.

"I don't... Think it will help me right now..."

"Wait here."

But before Hongjoong could even mutter that he didn't have anywhere else to go anyway, Joshua had left the room. It only took a short minute before he was back, and had sat down next to Hongjoong again.

"Open your mouth," he ordered, but although his voice was gentle, Hongjoong felt nervous for what was about to happen.

Never had he thought he would be accepting towards hard drugs, but the things Seonghwa had given him prior to that horrible night San was killed, had made him feel so good - so free. Biting into his bottom lip, Hongjoong looked at Joshua with a strange feeling spreading inside of him.

Despite it all, the only thing he wanted was to feel that way again - nothing at all.

And so, he did as he was told to do, and a small pill was placed on his tongue. Joshua's fingers stroked down Hongjoong's neck afterwards, leaving a tickling feeling that slowly began to spread all over his body.

While staring into the deep ocean of blue, and the waves that did seem calm enough to step into, Hongjoong starting to let go of all his worries - one by one, they faded away from his troubled mind.

"Don't worry," Joshua whispered in his ear, "I won't tell Seonghwa about this. Your first night here will be the hardest, but I'll do my best to make you feel good."

Only a few seconds later, their lips connected in a kiss that Hongjoong both wanted, but also didn't want. The softness of his new roommate's tongue found his own, swirled around it like the fingertips across his skin - and his own hands had soon grabbed a hold onto the purple shirt that gradually shifted down the blonde's slim shoulders.

For so long he had sworn to himself only to go top for Yeosang, but as everything had changed around him - the same happened inside of him.

Deep kisses with sweet moans in between, and their clothes falling to the floor - his mind went blank, and all he felt was how his body was heating up and longing to be touched.

"Oh God..." Hongjoong sighed with his head tilted back, and eyes closed. His fingers got tangled up in the blonde hair, tugging it slightly when the feeling of Joshua's wet tongue trailed down his body until it reached the erection that had happened so fast that Hongjoong didn't even register it himself.

It all happened in flashes, with moments in between where he saw nothing, but felt it all. The soft lips around his cock shifted to kiss him again, while his hands moved down over the blonde's naked body.

Joshua whined softly into the kiss, when Hongjoong slowly stretched him out with his fingers. The tightness flared up the burning desire inside of him, and the fear of having lost the ability to feel lost ever again had vanished.

There was nothing bothering him in his mind in that moment, the only thing he wanted - the only thing he needed - was to feel this beautiful stranger under him. To use him in ways to make himself feel good.

And it happened only a few minutes later, with both of them panting heavily and the bed rocking back and forth with the movements of their bodies. Hongjoong held the other by the hips, and with a hard thrust he went all the way inside - earning a deep and satisfied moan to fall from Joshua's lips.

Hongjoong moved his left hand to get a firm grip in the blonde hair, pulling Joshua's head backwards while he took him hard from behind. And it went on like that, hard and without any actual emotions behind it. Every thrust inside was deep and causing the pretty blonde to both whine and moan, and beg for more although something in his voice seemed hesitant.

Joshua had practically thrown himself at him, so Hongjoong told himself he shouldn't feel bad about what was happening - and he didn't.

It was nowhere near anything Hongjoong had ever done before - when he was still fooling around and being on top with Yeosang, it would be full of passion and insanely intense. But never in a way where Hongjoong wanted to be too dominating. Never in a way, where a small voice in his head told him to hurt the younger. The new voice inside his head that both scared and intrigued him...

This was not like him at all. He only cared about himself and what he needed - and it was something that would probably come back to haunt him tomorrow, but tomorrow wasn't now.

Long, red marks were left from his nails down the other's back, and bite marks into the skin of Joshua's neck caused him to hiss behind his teeth - but the way his body moved made it seem like he liked it.

The only thing Hongjoong wanted in that moment, was to take even the smallest opportunity to feel in control of something.

To feel powerful.
✩

A loud knock on the door woke Hongjoong up from surprisingly deep sleep. His head felt heavy and his body just the same, when he stumbled his way through the room - trying to get dressed the best he could on the way.

Reality slowly came back to claim him, and he fell into a dark hole of despair when he realized where he was - and what had happened the night before. Although he was drugged out of his mind, and that he woke up alone in his bed, he still remembered enough to feel how his stomach turned at the thought of what he had done.

And when he opened the door, the feeling only got worse.

Seonghwa looked at him with a horrifying cold look, and Hongjoong pulled his shirt closer in front of his chest - hand clenching around the fabric as if his whole life depended on keeping the shirt closed.

"Hongjoong..." the older said in a low voice. "I'd like to speak with you in my office."

The dark eyes glared at Hongjoong, scanning him slowly from top to toe, and a brow slowly raised on the older's defined face.

"Take a shower and get dressed properly. You have thirty minutes," he then spoke slowly before turning around and walking away.

As he closed the door, Hongjoong felt completely opposite of what he did only a couple of hours ago.

He had no power there. None at all...

✩

A/N: If any of you went "OH HELL NO!" at the smut part - believe me when I say that I didn't enjoy writing it. Honestly didn't, it actually hurt :C But it was needed for the plot - sorreeeeh <3