I HAVE BEEN smiling like an idiot since a few days ago when Jeremiah asked me out.

Never in my wildest fucking dreams would I have thought this day would come, and now that it's here, I'm freaking out. I don't know what to expect, and I don't want to get my hopes up even though Vanessa and Steven are both convinced he's going to ask me to be his girlfriend.

The idea brings another stupid smile to my face because the thought of being Jeremiah Fisher's girlfriend after being in love with him for so many years is almost too good to be true.

Almost.

But I've seen the way he looks at me. I've seen how it's nearly impossible for him not to touch me when we're together. I've seen the way he can't quite keep his eyes off me for longer than a minute.

I guess I could blame that on mere lust, but the twinkle in his eyes and the soft curve of his lips when I enter his line of view says otherwise. Maybe I really am being delusional, but I'd rather be that than convince myself I'm not worth someone else's love.

I've done that for too many years, and I'm sick and tired of always telling myself no one will ever love me the way I want to be loved. I'm done doing that. So I'm allowing myself to finally let go of all the insecurities and just live in this moment.

My phone starts to ring just as I start drying my hair with a towel after washing it. I pick up my phone and bite back a smile when I see Jeremiah's contact on the screen.

"Hey," I breathe into the speaker after picking up his call.

There's no answer on the other end.

Furrowing my eyebrows, I speak again, "Hello?"

Still no answer.

"Jere? Are you there?"

There's a light hum on the other line. I narrow my eyes.

"Jeremiah Fisher, if you don't answer me, I'm hanging up."

His deep chuckle reverberates into my ear and throughout my body. I can practically hear the grin in his voice.

"Don't hang up."

I let out a breath in mock annoyance. "Why weren't you answering me?"

"Because I like listening to the sound of your voice."

I blink. I clear my throat.

"Oh."

I just know he's smirking right now.

"What are you doing?" He changes the topic.

I flop down onto my bed. "I just took a shower. Now I'm lying in bed."

He lets out a noise from the back of his throat. "Naked?"

I gape at him even though he can't see me. My cheeks flush, and for once, I'm grateful he's not right in front of me.

"Of course not, you idiot!"

He hums. "Good. If you said yes, I would have had to sneak out to come over."

If possible, my already brown skin turns bright red.

I scoff. "You're insufferable."

"Insufferably hot."

"Insufferably obnoxious."

He snorts. "You're only saying that because you don't want to admit that you want me in your bed right now."

"I absolutely do not."

"Oh, but you absolutely do."

I let out a low groan. "Whatever. You must not be as busy as you said seeing as you have time to tease me."

His voice grows soft. "I always have time for you."

My heart throbs in my chest, making it impossible to breathe. I don't answer him—my mouth refuses to open and my lungs stop working.

He continues, "I'm excited for our date tonight."

"You are?" I say, forcing myself to speak.

"Of course I am. I'm always excited when I get to see you."

I pause, my teeth sinking into my bottom lip. And then, without thinking, I blurt out, "Why?"

There's silence on the other end of the call.

"What?" he finally says.

"Why?" I repeat. "Why do you get excited when you see me?"

He pauses for a moment.

"Do you really want to know?" he asks quietly.

"Yes," I answer in the same tone.

I can almost hear the gears turning in his head.

"I'll tell you tonight."

I blink. "What?"

"I'll tell you everything tonight."

I let out a breath I hadn't known I was holding.

"Okay."

I can hear the softness in his voice as he replies, "Okay."

And I hide my smile even though he can't see me because somehow, I know that he can sense it.

꘏

IT'S ALMOST MIDNIGHT when I get to the place where the Debutante Ball is being held. I text Jeremiah like he asked me to and then wait in front of the side exit. He should be out any minute.

My nerves increase as the seconds tick by. I'll tell you everything tonight. I'm excited and terrified to learn what "everything" includes.

Seconds turn to minutes which seem like hours as I wait for Jeremiah to appear. He told me he should be out before midnight.

But it's already ten minutes past twelve.

I force myself not to worry. Instead, I keep calm and just text him to ask when he's coming out. He doesn't reply. A few minutes later, I text him again. And again. And again.

He doesn't respond to any of my texts.

Chewing my lip anxiously, I debate going inside and finding him myself to make sure nothing happened. But just as I take a step toward the entrance, the doors open and a familiar figure steps out.

Jeremiah.

Immediately, I know that something is wrong. My body moves before my brain does, taking quick steps to reach him. It takes only a few seconds to get to him, my gaze frantically searching his to figure out what's wrong.

His eyes are red, tinged with a sadness I can't even begin to comprehend. His hair is too tousled as if he's been running his hand through it too many times. He looks at me, but he doesn't see me.

"Jere," I say quietly, afraid of upsetting him.

He seems surprised at the sound of my voice like he hadn't realized it was me beside him.

"Jere, what's wrong?"

I reach out to him, my hand curling over his forearm. It stays there for a second before he steps back, my hand falling back to my side. I frown, trying to hide the hurt in my expression.

"Jere..."

He shakes his head. "I can't be here," he says so quietly I almost don't hear him.

My heart is beating so loud that I can't hear the distant sound of thunder nor can I feel the single raindrop sliding down the side of my face.

He starts moving away, but I step in front of him.

"What happened?" I ask in distress. "Tell me what's wrong so I can fix it."

He turns to me, and the stricken look on his face is one that will haunt my nightmares forever. His eyes glisten with unshed tears, his jaw clenching with barely contained emotion.

"You can't fix it," he says in frustration. "No one can fix it."

My frown deepens. "Jere...please let me help you—"

"You can't," he cuts me off angrily. "You can't help me, okay? Let's just...let's just end this here."

I step back, his words cutting deeper than any knife ever could.

"What...what do you mean?"

His anger subsides, and somehow, I know he's not really mad at me.

He lets out a tired sigh. "I can't...I can't do this anymore."

"Do what?"

I step closer. Raindrops hit the pavement faster.

"This. Us. Let's just pretend it never happened."

My hands clench into fists, and I feel anger seep into my bones even though I shouldn't feel this way when something clearly happened to make him like this. But I can't help it.

"Pretend what never happened?" I say, my voice even, but hints of anger show through the cracks. "Because last I knew, we weren't even really dating."

He swallows, the only sign he heard my words.

The rain has turned into a downpour now, soaking our clothes and our hair and our skin. Washing away the calm with the storm.

"Please don't make this harder than it already is," he whispers, voice barely audible over the sound of the rain.

My vision blurs with the mix of raindrops and tears.

"Then why are you doing this?" I question in a choked voice. "Please just tell me what's wrong. I don't want to end it here. Not like this."

"Autumn—"

"Can't you see that I'm in love with you?" I nearly scream, all reason lost.

His breath hitches, and I can hear it over the sound of the pitter-patter of the rain. His eyes are wide as they stare at me, his voice not functioning altogether.

I sigh and soften my voice. "Just kiss me once."

His expression looks pained. "Autumn..."

"Before you break my heart," I continue. "Just kiss me one last time."

He takes a step toward me, a single tear trailing down his cheek and blending in with the rain. As if it's instinct, his hands lightly touch my hips to soothe me.

"It may have meant nothing to you," I say quietly. "But it meant everything to me."

He grips my hips tighter, his face clouded with anger and grief and sadness.

"Of course it meant something to me," he says fiercely as if he can brand the words onto my very soul. "Autumn, you matter to me. I care about you."

My expression glazes over with hope at his words. And then my face promptly falls when he sighs and lets go of me.

"But..." He lets out a shaky breath. "But I can't love you the way you want me to."

My heart cracks. It rips straight down the middle into two pieces. Unknowingly, Jeremiah steals the larger portion, and I'm not sure I will ever get it back.

I nod and step away from him.

I can't look at him as I reply so quietly I don't know if he hears, "Okay."

I turn and walk away without looking back, each step causing my heart to crack a little more.

jeremiah's pov

I STARE AFTER Autumn longingly, my vision blurred with tears. I feel like an asshole. No, I am an asshole.

What kind of person says nothing after someone tells them they love them and then rejects them by saying they can't love them at all? A horrible person.

But I'm not thinking straight. How can I when I've just found out that my mother has cancer again? That she might not survive this time? Who would I be if I lost her?

Who am I now that I've lost Autumn?

I stand outside for a long time getting drenched by the summer rain.

The summer rain has always felt magical. Out of place in the warmth and light of summer but fitting right into the cracks of my soul. As if anything could happen but rain during the season of summer could make it all right.

But it can't. Not right now.

I didn't want to hurt Autumn, but I'm afraid I already have. But wouldn't I hurt her even more if I had told her the truth about my feelings? If I had told her everything that had gone down with Mom and Conrad at the Deb Ball, about the cancer, about how fucking terrified I am?

I can't hurt her even more by being with her because I'm broken. Because she deserves everything. Because I love her.

The realization hits me so hard that I stumble.

I am completely and irreversibly in love with Autumn Rose Cortez, and I'm scared shitless.

I have never felt warmth quite like what I feel when I am around her, and I think I might never get the chance to feel it again because of how much I just fucked it all up.

But how can I tell her my true feelings and love her with everything I have when there is so much uncertainty around me? How can I ask her to carry my burdens when I'm not sure I can carry them myself?

I love her. I love her so much that my heart aches just at the thought of her, and I don't know what to do.

I follow her home to make sure she gets back safely, and it's the least I can do after breaking her heart.

The summer rain is no longer my friend but my enemy.

𝗮𝘂𝘁𝗵𝗼𝗿'𝘀 𝗻𝗼𝘁𝗲 !

i miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain

it's not my book if i don't add drama at the end hehe