Its time for me to be honest...

So, I know I have been very inconsistent when it comes to updating... well, anything. But there is just a lot of shit going on in my life.

I'm not trying to gain sympathy or anything (I don't like sympathy lol) and I know everyone else has stuff going on their lives as well. But I want to frank and completely honest with you all; I feel like I own y'all as much.

Now just a disclaimer: this is NOT me saying I'm abandoning this fanfic or me saying my goodbyes to Wattpad. This is basically me venting and letting you into my screwed up mind and stress filled life. That's all! I still am going to update this fan fiction. I don't know when, but it's not the end. You haven't seen the end of me ;); I promise.

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1. Back when I had mentioned a while ago about not being on my phone a lot, the reason was I totally butchered my chemistry class during the first semester of school. I'm doing good right now but it is still a damn hard class. Add that to all my other honors courses and electives... its really just hell to pay. Just know I wish anyone who has yet to take it luck when they do, and for the people who have taken it already... the pain it causes is relatable.

It's not that's it's not interesting (I actually LOVE science and the class itself is really cool) but the remembering and the math involved is really hard.

(By the way, for context, I want to be an engineer so I have to continue with science and math if I want to be successful. And another thing is I SUCK at both math and science. Always have, hopefully I always won't. Ironic, isn't it?)

2. I am currently in the process of getting my learners permit and getting a job (and in that order). Both of which are excruciatingly stressful to keep track of when I have my parents drilling me about it all the time, day after day, for months now along with making sure my grades are good.

3. My mental health... is not that good right now. I'm not professionally tested or anything but I have really bad anxiety and I get stressed over little things very quickly. I try to do things to lessen it and it works, but only for a little bit.

Also my parents constantly fuel my anxiety with pressure about school, getting a job, chores, and anything at all. I also get yelled at for nothing at all so :) Let's just say there are most nights when my pillow and tears are my only comfort. Also the sad songs/music playlist I made on Spotify.

4. As I had mentioned a bit ago, my best friend moved away. Not out of state or anything, just out the neighborhood and out of our school. It actually took more of toll on me than I am willing to admit or let on.

I'm not the most social person but I was much more verbally active, and for the first time during any school year I came out of my shell a lot more these past couple of months. But once she moved I just kinda closed up a bit. I still engage in conversation with my friends and it's not like it was a couple years ago (not talking til spoken to, mostly kept to herself, etc.), but there's a big difference between my social attitude now than there was during the first couple weeks of school.

Not to mention I am scarcely able to talk to her much since she has problems with her mental health and we always seem to miss each other. Whenever one of us is free the other is busy doing something, going somewhere, and all honesty it makes me want to cry; I miss her so goddamn much.

5. I'm very insecure about myself and I honestly feel like I'm such a screwup. Again all of these is sometimes fueled by my OWN GODDAMN PARENTS! (That's what makes that shit even worse) I mean, for example, my mom pretty much said that I'm a disappointment when I failed chemistry last semester and totally acted like it was fine the next morning :") So yeah I never know if they are proud of me or I really am construed as the "family disappointment." I'm going to be honest, I feel like it all the time so I never know.

6. I am also trying to get as many classes as I can done so my senior year won't be so difficult. But it's a lot harder than I thought. I'm making plans for taking summer classes, even going so far as to join the tech centre that my school offers to further my engineering education. It's not easy.

7. The activities I use to help keep myself grounded and just for recreational use and entertainment (art, music, watching Disney YouTube videos and Disney movies, reading) I am scarcely able to do them for fun. Those are the activities that allow me to, as cringey as it sounds, be free. I can be myself and not worry about disappointing anyone cause they are MY activities for MY personal amusement.

I feel so lost when I am unable to engage in these for fun. Honestly, I feel like a part of my real self is missing most of the time.

If you made it this far and didn't get bored about my rambling (not that I would blame you lol) thank you for listening, whether it be begrudgingly or willingly. Just... thank you. I feel better after letting all this shit off my chest and talking about it.

And thank you all for being you! I feel so much better knowing that I have all of y'all as my online friends. The people I have met on this app have been so supportive, so helpful when I need it most and I love all of you! Just thank you all so goddamn much. I don't think you guys realize how much I appreciate you all and how lucky I am to have you all in my life, albeit over a device, but still. Thank you 🥺❤️

And again I'm sorry about being inconsistent on updates. I'm still going to be an active participant on Wattpad, but writing as a whole is going to be, well, not often lol ❤️

Love y'all ❤️❤️✨