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Yaşru A. Parizad,

You know Yaş, your letter feels hard for me to write. Honestly- I don't even know where to start. Where should I start really, cause truthfully I could start anywhere I actually wanted to. All the letters are hard to write, I don't know why I had to specify yours, but more or less I guess I don't know what to say. There's just a lot to be said, and I'm on a timeline here.

I guess I should start with the fact that I know you feel guilty for not keeping me safe.

I know we haven't known each other all that long, but I would consider a couple of months something. You promised you'd protect me, and even on Samhain, it was eating at you. On that call, after you and Mags fought (which I hope you both will get over when you come home), you mentioned it too. You still picked up the call though, when I was scared. You made me laugh, and most importantly, you made me feel safe despite the fact that at the time I was being stalked and hunted down.

Not that that's important now anyway. I figured out the contract and had an ugly run-in with the Devil of Dublin, but I'll tell you about that later. When I have time- or maybe Líadan can fill you in. She knows that part of the story.

She's watching Erlik while I'm looking for you guys. I made up some lies about me going back to America. Speaking of which- I haven't really been in contact with them, which I'm sure you in the rest of the club will be glad(?) to hear. If I don't make it home, could you tell her I decided to not come back to school or something? I don't care if she hates me – I really can't care about anything though if I'm dead.

I took care of Erlik, I promise. Admittedly, I might have given him pizza for dinner one night, but he seemed fine afterward, so I picked up some actual dog food later. He's been keeping me company this whole time while you guys have been gone. The school even let me take him to class and stuff after the whole 'I was shot thing', which is a pretty good silver lining while healing from a bullet wound.

Sometimes my leg still hurts. I hope it's alright while I travel- I'd hate for that to be the thing that ruins the whole rescue plan. It's really less of a rescue plan than just a plan, and the first step is just getting to the other plane in general.

Sorry for rambling. I just miss you.

I want to keep you safe too.

I'm doing my best Yaşru, I promise.

Anyway, you're here to read about your gifts too! You already got a birthday gift, but I thought you should also get some little things to open for Christmas. You have to hear me out on some of these, you can't scold me if I come back and you hate them.

Well, I guess you can scold me, but you can't really mean it. And I think I deserve a kiss for all the shit I've been through - one from you and one from Magnus. Course, I didn't put that in his letter, I think he might have burned the letter (and later regretted it, I hope) impulsively. Just a little one, on my forehead or something. I don't really expect either of you to return my feelings, and partially I feel like a coward for writing them out- but if I don't write them out, and I die there, you'd never know.

Right. Your first gift. This is one of those hear me out ones.

So, I got you a set of the Twilight series (the movies).

Now before you throw this letter down in a big-ass fit or feed it to Erlik by mixing it in with his food, I'll tell you my reasoning. So don't be pissy when you unwrap it. I think it'd be nice to get to watch them with you. Not because of the whole vampire-joke thing, but because that's what we talked about when I called you. That's also what that 'oh' was about, the one you asked me about on that same call. I know you would bicker and whine and grumble the entire time, but I would also like that part- because I also know you would watch them with me anyway. If I asked you to, you would sit through every horrible moment. I may not be confident in a lot of things, but I am confident that you care about your friends, and about the club. You value loyalty above anything, so even if you acted like it was absolute torture, you'd do it.

This is partially a gift for you and one for Erlik. I got that lovely puppy of yours a stocking. It has lots of treats in it, some chew toys, and a nice bone for him. It'll keep him busy while you catch up on things, and it'll also be a thank you to him for keeping me so safe while you were all gone. He did try, Yaşru, to stop me from being shot. And initially, I thought he was the one who got hit first. He's a good dog, and while appearing intimidating at times (much like you), he's a sweetheart deep down.

I know this letter is long but just bear with me. I found this really nice cranberry and sea cologne. It reminded me of you a little bit, but I also think it's just something you'd like. I don't know if you're a big fan of colognes or perfumes or anything, but I couldn't just skip it over. It reminded me of you, so I got it. That's a little silly, I'm sure, but it's been really hard with all of you being gone. I couldn't even call you. And that's all I really wanted to do. I know it's not really fair, because I left you first, but now I wish I hadn't.

I'm leaving you my sketchbook. I still have one with me, my current one. Well- kinda. I have two. One that I carry with me, and one that I leave in my room. The one you have is the one from my room. A lot of the sketches are unfinished- most of them are sketches of the memories I have of all of you in your other forms; the non-human ones. I didn't get a very good look. Well- no, I did, but the memory is tainted. You already know that.

I'm sorry, Yaşru.

I really didn't mean to hurt you.

You aren't a monster. You'll never be that to me.

– Sulli Chevalier

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It's the 24th of December, three days into Yule, and Christmas Eve.

Yaşru wasn't okay at all. Not surprising, considering everything that had happened. How could someone just be okay after all that- what was there to be okay about?

No, it wouldn't be the end of everything if Sulli never woke up, but it would be the end of something. He's just not sure what it is yet. The words in the letter are haunting him, a permanent memory of that night after Samhain. When he hadn't understood when all he felt was a pain at that moment when he'd failed to protect Sulli from anything at all.

'I think I deserve a kiss for all the shit I've been through.'

He'd read that line over and over. Guilt pooled into his stomach at the simple reminder- he'd kissed Sulli that night, on Kelsey's birthday. No, he didn't regret it, of course not, but he feels pretty rough for making Sulli think that he might have just done it flippantly. He hadn't. He didn't kiss Magnus flippantly either, he just pretended he did, because Magnus was the kind of asshole to be relentless about it if he didn't.

And for a second, Yaşru had forgotten that Sulli wasn't.

He'd given them a kiss on the forehead anyway, after laying them down in their bed, along with replacing the ruined sweatshirt that Sulli had evidently kept on their person since they'd stolen (not really though, because he gave it to them in the first place) it from him. Sulli had been too cold to the touch, and even the thought of it sent that heavy feeling back into his chest.

It's his turn to keep an eye on them. The whole club is taking shifts at their apartment, just in case they wake up and panic or try and get up. Knowing Sulli, they probably would.

Stupid.

Sulli wasn't stupid, Yaş knows that, but he wanted to scold them, or just shake them awake because God, why did they have to do that?? Why would they even come for the club? After everything- they spent months searching for a way to get them back. It's just so frustrating. Sure, he would do that for the club, but that was different. Sulli had known them for two months.

It was worrying.

Gently, a hand ran through his hair, soothing and warm. Yaşru had a habit of falling asleep during his shifts, honestly. Typically in a similar fashion that he'd done on Samhain, with his arms crossed and leaning over the bed in that same sitting position. It was probably Magnus- he'd had a final that morning. "Hey." The word was gruff, laced with both physical and mental tiredness. "How'd your final go?"

"I don't know."

Wait.

"I just woke up. I haven't really had the chance to look at my grades yet."

Yaşru shot up, shoving off of the bed in a single motion, feeling the hand snatch away just as quickly as it had appeared, only to be looking down and into the bright, beautiful eyes of Sulli Chevalier. They held their hand to their chest- not like it had hurt, but rather that it had surprised them. "Sulli."

There's a part of you that breaks when you lose someone. There just is - it breaks off and floats away and nothing will ever bring that piece back to you. It's gone. They're gone. There's no going back from it. Eventually, you get used to that missing piece, even if it haunts you from time to time. The holidays seem to be especially rough. It is something you will never get back.

Yaşru got it back.

That pressure in his chest, that aching, awful crack felt like it grew tenfold in an instant. He hadn't cried about this yet- he hadn't wanted to. He simply could not accept that Sulli had been gone. Even for a second.

Now it felt like they had been.

Slowly, Yaş's hands found Sulli's arms, gripping them as gently as he could manage. "Sulli." The name felt almost foreign, and Sulli was looking up at him with not quite curiosity, but concern. It made him want to scream. "Sulli, I thought- we thought you were dead." He feels like he can't breathe, for fuck's sake he could barely get the words out.

"I'm okay." Sulli echoed the softness, and it sent another wave of emotion up into his throat. A warm hand found his face, "Yaşru, I'm okay, I'm sorry-"

It didn't matter. Sulli was already in that bone-crushing, inescapable hug, with his head buried into their neck while he desperately choked any kind of sob back. "I thought you were dead."

It feels like it's all he can say. He'd seen that blade drive through their chest. The blood, the gore, that awful, sickening cracking sound when they were thrown across the room. Sulli was dead. They had been gone. They were nothing but a corpse in that second, and the idea of it felt like it was enough to drive him to the brink of insanity. How lifeless they'd felt in his arms.

How cold.

They're so warm now. Alive. Awake.

'I think I deserve a kiss for all the shit I've been through.'

Yaşru pulled back for only a second, reaching to cup the back of Sulli's neck like had that first time, and managed to stifle the cracks in his voice enough to talk to them. The tears had no hope of being hidden. "Can I kiss you?"

He'd barely gotten the question out before Sulli had pulled him back by his shirt, planting a soft, warm kiss against his mouth. It was different from the first one, where he'd been not drunk, but tipsy enough to taste the alcohol. This one was dusted with sweetness and shed tears from one of the two, certainly not him, 'cause he's never cried a day in his life.

Whatever.

It didn't matter. Nothing else mattered. Sulli was alive.

They pulled back after a second, eyes tired, but warm when they looked at him. Sulli looked exhausted, and worry on top of joy found a spot to rest in his heart as they spoke. "Where are the others?" 

⋯

Sulli still had a headache, and seemed to be a little wobbly for their few days out of commission, so they held onto his arm as they walked. That wasn't something Yaş minded at all - in fact he would much rather have Sulli closer to him than risk them falling and making some injury worse before Cassieopeia could really get a good look at it. There was no set order that they'd track them down in, so it was just whoever they ran into first essentially.

Admittedly, Yaş might have had a hand in playing them- but Magnus had missed them a lot. He'd never really seen him cry like that until the other day, like really crying. And what a nice surprise it would be after his last final was done.

He knew it was worth it when Magnus walked out and stopped about thirty feet from where they both stood. Beside Yaşru, Sulli let go of his arm, and then bolted towards him, it was lucky enough that Magnus braced for it, otherwise, they would have gone toppling into the snow. It was oddly...sweet to watch.

That pit in Yaş's stomach, the one that carried the guilt and pain and ache of a lifespan of anger and hurt - it lightened a little.

Magnus was cupping his face now, and even if he couldn't quite hear them, he knew Sulli was talking as Magnus started to scatter kisses across his face, on his head, his cheeks, the bridge of his nose- everywhere. That is, until he stopped for a second, taking a breath to compose himself, and this next bit he knew by heart because the tiefling had snapped it at him a thousand and one times.

"You fucking idiot."

Yaş smiled anyway.

Yeah. That tracks.

⋯

They ran into Cassie next, who'd enveloped Sulli in a hug so tight and so tearful, you would think she was the one on the brink of death. Not in a dramatic way, or a self-centered way, in the way that her heart loomed so big over club lore, that she nearly killed herself to bring them back.

Sulli nearly cried at that- telling her over and over how not worth it that would have been.

They were both an awful lot like that, bickering back and forth.

I'll save you.

Everyone wants to save someone, don't they?

Sometimes people forget the person you're meant to save is yourself. It's easy to forget that, though. Because plenty of people don't think of themselves as a person worth saving in the first place.

Kelsey had cried the same way. Promising to somehow make it up to them for not only saving his daughter from being burned alive but also putting them in a place where they'd had to make a contract with them or felt like they had to.

Sulli had reassured him that it wasn't his fault, and they could never have left her to die in there.

Alone, they said.

'I would rather die at the feet of my friends than be too much a coward to not chase after them at all.'

Not Sulli's last words, but fuck if they would have made some good ones. It'd taken a while for Yaşru to realize that. It wasn't just something that had come up now, it'd always been that way. Sulli didn't want to die alone, so they did everything in their power to make sure no one else did too.

That scream in the forest while they walked back home that night. Arden had known.

Because Sulli wouldn't let someone die alone.

Madden sobbed pretty hard too. Nearly dropped to his knees in front of Sulli - everyone knew he blamed himself. He'd been the closest to  Adelaide, he should have seen the signs, should have noticed something.

Love blinds people.

Loyalty has the same effect.

Embarrassing as it was. He hadn't noticed either- any of them could make the same argument. They hadn't noticed. They hadn't seen anything because they were too busy looking for a snitch in the wrong person. Too busy looking for a fault, a flag, of Sulli's to point out, to ever pay attention to what Adelaide was doing. 

"Where is Adelaide?"

The words pulled Yaşru from his deep stupor of thought, mind bumbling down that path as the name sent a re-ignited fury up his chest.

Bitch.

He didn't use that word lightly, and he kept his mouth shut regardless, despite the scowl that crawled across his face at the imagery of her dagger to Sulli's throat. She was going to kill them- and did kill them still, just indirectly. That had always been part of the plan, hadn't it?

"What?" Cassie stared at him, her own eyes red and puffy.

"Adelaide- she- she didn't mean it, right? She's here? She's not-" Sulli shook their head, and Yaş clocked the hitch in their chest. "Addy, she's not dead, right?"

Oh.

Oh.

Sulli didn't even know the full story.

Kelsey hesitated, tugging at his ear before starting gently. "Sulli. It's okay-"

"Don't do that. Where is she? You saved her, right?"

"Sulls-" Cassie took a step forward, and in the same breath, they took a step back.

"Where is she? She didn't mean it. She never would have-" Their voice cracked, and that pit that had lightened, dropped again. "She didn't mean it. She's my friend."

Friend.

Everyone knows that's an important word to Sulli. Probably the most important word to them. Yaşru felt sick. Sulli's eyes turned to each of them, lingering for a second on his and Magnus'- pleading almost. "She was our friend."

Oh god.

They're crying. Sulli's crying. They drop their head, looking at the cold, frozen ground beneath them. "That's not fair- she was my first friend here, she didn't- what if that wasn't her?"

What if that wasn't her?

"What if they did something to her??" Sulli is crying harder now, with no one to hug them. Madden tried this time, trying to set a hand on Sulli's arm, only for them to react like they'd been burned, turning to him sharply, "That's not fair- how come you saved me and not her?!"

"Sulli."

"It's not- It's not fair." They shook their head again, stepping backward. Frustration raged into his chest, desperate to shake some sense into them, and despite part of him telling him it wouldn't work, he reached for Sulli anyway. Only to be stopped by a different hand.

Julian.

The Genasi's eyes, dark and unrelenting, met the məçkəy's in a stand-off. It only lasted a second, but enough was conveyed that Yaşru relented, scowling as he looked away himself, tongue flicking over suddenly sharpened canines.

Sulli looked back at Julian, seeming to gear up for another bout of how it wasn't fair- as if things were ever fair. Things hadn't even been fair to Sulli, how in the world could they sit there and talk to them all about 'not fair'- things just sucked. Nothing was fair.

Julian shook his head though, and instead shoved his hands in his pockets "Come take a walk with me, Sulls."

"Why?"

"If you walk with me, you'll find out, won't you?"

Sulli didn't argue that time, only stared at Julian with some kind of mixed emotion. It wasn't that they were harder to read now, it was just that Sulli seemed so tired, that it was difficult for them to convey anything else at the same time. Still, whatever Julian had said got to them, because slowly, they nodded, muttering some sort of apology for yelling before quickly catching up to the retreating genasi.

That anger that he'd felt a second ago. All of it was replaced with concern.

It seems that in the joy of having Sulli back, they'd forgotten just what they'd gone through too. He'd tried earlier- sure, but that was just a heat-of-the-moment question. A question about them being alive, not about anything else. And now that he started thinking about it:

Did anyone ask how Sulli was feeling?

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WYN

twenty-eight!

Sulli is finally awake! how okay they are probably remains to be seen...sorry if the chapter felt rushed btw- it's Christmas Eve still here and I really wanted to get this out by tonight!

Julian needs to figure out some of his shit too fr- maybe they can help each other <3

only two more chapters to go! (sobbing) Love you all!

Happy holidays, and Merry Christmas!

(Sulli waking up is kind of a nice Christmas present, right?)