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Julian E. Laurent,

This is the last letter I have to write. I might drag it out- I'm terrified. I'm sure it's understandable. I don't think you'd judge me for it. Or no- maybe you would. But you would tell me in a stupidly responsible manner.

I wish you were here so I could ask for advice on how to save you.

Of course, that would kind of defeat the purpose. If you were here, you wouldn't need saving, and I probably wouldn't be talking to you. Not that I wouldn't want to, and it's not that I didn't want to after either, I just figured you'd been right. Right about when I first joined, but then again, you're right about a lot of things. (Not about Cassie, you better fix that).

When I first came to the club, I figured you didn't want me there. Sometimes I still don't know if you wanted me there. I think you tolerated me, yeah, but want and tolerate are two different things. You would talk to me, we'd do our chess matches, and you'd give me those crime podcast recommendations, which by the way, I ended up binging while I was healing up from all the shit that happened while you were gone.

I don't think you hated me. I don't, but I don't think you exactly like me either. Maybe I'm making assumptions, or jumping to conclusions, but I think you cared about me because the others cared about me. Your affection for me was by association, and I understand a little more why now.

I think you were right too.

I shouldn't have joined Club Lore.

I don't want you to be right, but nobody who is wrong thinks they're wrong. And I didn't think you were right to keep me from it in the beginning, I respected it, of course, because I respect you. Now, I feel like I should have listened. Deep down though, we both know I wouldn't have. It was inevitable. I know who I am, and I pry until I find out something I didn't want to know about, and then I try to reason my way out of it. I can't help it. Sometimes it makes me sick; curiosity. It drives me into nausea, because somehow- someway- I can't breathe. Whether I know or I don't know.

It's my own fucking fault that this is happening. If I hadn't joined Club Lore, you all wouldn't have been found out by the hunters. You would have been fine in your sanctuary. I'm really sorry, Julian. I didn't mean to ruin things.

All I wanted was a friend.

When you get home, and you will, I hope that I can gain some kind of forgiveness, even from the grave. I don't know what else to do except try and get you all home. I don't even know if any of you are going to read these letters, truthfully. I probably wouldn't, if I was you. Well- no, I probably would. Out of curiosity, because that's all I seem to be good at.

I still respect you. I respect you more now than I did before, in fact. Now that I know you're otherworldly, I just have a newfound sense of everything. I'd hope I see things differently now. I think I do. I just wanted you to know that despite me marking the box for how strongly I disagree with how you treated Cassiopeia, I still do respect you.

Also, you need to fix that.

I'll haunt you from the other side if you don't Julian, in your dreams- you'll lose every chess match. Or something like that. Not to mention you'd be haunted by a human for the rest of your life, and isn't that more embarrassing?

I don't know if you meant it. You told me I was your friend.

I don't think I made a very good one, anyway.

Regardless, I have presents for you. I don't like the juxtaposition between this sentence and the last one, but I just checked the time and I have to get going soon. I already gifted you that chess set for your birthday, I hope you liked it. I didn't really get to play a game against you on it, but I'm sure someone would enjoy it. Maybe you could ask Cassie after begging her for forgiveness. That's what I think you should do.

I have this book you might like. It's a romance – I read it before, back in high school. The Magnolia That Bloomed Unseen by Ray Smith. It's an old historical romance. I got a copy way back in high school, and I still have it. I didn't really like the cover, so I ended up making my own. I also painted the pages, so there's a picture when the book is closed on the side, you know. It was a self-project I did. Just for fun. I know it's not new or anything, but I thought you would like it anyway. I don't really think I'm going to make it back alive. This is a suicide mission. I know that. And by the time you read this letter, so will you. So I hope you like it, and if you don't, just lie and tell my ghost its your favorite book anyway. Maybe I'll believe you and leave you alone.

This card set is another thing I got you. It's all nature-themed, and in hindsight, the nature theme makes a lot of sense now. Not to stereotype, that's not what I'm doing, but it makes sense why you value it so much. The heart suit is my favorite on the deck. Each of them have a different theme, but the heart's suit depicts natural disasters with the face cards. Spades are flowers, diamonds are weather patterns, and clubs are features. I thought about why the artist would choose natural disasters to pick for hearts, but maybe it's because love often feels like that. A disaster. It's a whirlwind of emotion, and there can be destruction left in the aftermath, but I think the artist must have recently gone through a heartbreak- because not every love story ends up like that.

I don't want you and Cassiopeia to end up like that.

I know you don't like wireless headphones- you despise them in fact. I had to hide a smile (not very well, I'm sure) every time I heard you scoff when Magnus tried to fix mine for me. You know Julian, despite your reservations when it comes to me (yet another reason why I'm not sure you completely liked me anyway - and that's okay), you were always very kind. That's not really the point of this paragraph- I got you a journal. It's one of those fancy leather-bound ones. I'm not sure if you're into calligraphy, but I would guess you would like it. So I got you a set of pens too in case you wanted to try it out. It's very therapeutic, and I'm sure a new hobby couldn't hurt with everything you've all been through. The journal has an inscription on it. It's the same one engraved above the door for Club Lore. I still don't know what it means, but I did my best to copy it. It seems like something nice, is written on there. Unless it was done as a joke, and I just wrote the equivalent of a dick joke in your nice journal.

Either way, maybe it will make you smile.

I'm really going to try, Julian.

You know, as I write this, I'm realizing that I'm much more scared of disappointing you than anyone else. I'm expecting anger from everyone, but I'm a lot more scared of you looking at me like I failed you. Or I failed the club. It's probably just my own familial issues, truthfully, but you do seem like the older brother type.

I guess that's how I think of you.

I'm sorry.

- Sulli Chevalier

⋯

'I guess that's how I think of you.'

Goddammit, Sulli.

Julian rubbed his jaw as he opened the room to his dorm, motioning Sulli to walk in. They'd been quiet since their outburst - not that he really blamed them for having one. There was no point in arguing about it either like that. Of course, Sulli would be distraught. Adelaide had them fooled. She'd had pretty much all of them fooled, and while Julian may or may not have had his own twisted perception, he surely didn't know the lengths she'd go. It had really only been this semester that his suspicions of her had shifted.

It was because of how she treated Sulli.

Like a pet almost, like a child, like something that needed to be pitied. Sulli was smart, and Adelaide had treated them like they made stupid decision after stupid decision. Now, there were plenty of idiotic things Sulli had done that Julian wouldn't have done himself, but that also made Sulli quite brave in his eyes. "Sit down." Julian motioned to his bed, and once again, saw them rub their face with their arm before sitting down in silence.

How should he approach this, exactly?

He can't just start the same way the others did. Maybe he should just start with the question that was most important. Julian filled a glass of water, bringing it over to them as he sat down on the bed beside Sulli, handing it to them. "How are you feeling?"

"..Tired." Sulli won't look at him, and Julian's eyebrows crease.

"Well, yes, I figured you would be tired, Sulli." He was expecting something else. Sulli was usually so expressive- so why was it that they seemed so hard to read now? "I meant about other things."

"Tired," Sulli repeated the word, shrugging this time as they tapped their nails against the glass. "I don't know."

"Sulli. Do you feel disappointed that you're here?" Julian knows it's a harsh question to ask, but frankly, he doesn't have a lot of time for just non-chalantness, especially knowing that Sulli really has been alone this whole time. "That you survived Sedna?" They don't respond, and their silence is an answer in itself. Without saying much else, Julian sets his hand on their back, patting it gently.

"Is it true?" It wasn't an answer to the question, but instead referring to something else. "About Adelaide- you just- you all left her there? She's gone. Is that true?"

It's softer than they had been outside, now in the company of realization. "Yes." Julian wants to lie. He finds himself fighting the urge too- because if he lied, Sulli would believe him, he's sure of it. Seamless, believable. That's always how he lies. Sulli puts far too much faith into people - into anyone - just like they did with Adelaide. "Yes, Sulli, that's true."

"It's not fair."

"I'm not telling you it is." Julian shook his head, contemplative. "Sulli, have you considered that maybe your perception is warped? Adelaide is the first person you really met here."

"But-"

"Here. Why don't you think about it this way? How did Madden treat you, and how did Adelaide treat you in your friendship? It was different, wasn't it?"

"That's not fair. Friendship means different things to different people."

"Sulli." They've been so patient with all of them- with all of Club Lore. For fuck's sake they killed themselves for them even after hearing the choice that the members of the club had made to save each other. Julian can afford to be patient with them too. "Your letter to Adelaide, what did you write about?"

Sulli doesn't respond, but at least they're looking at Julian now. Eyes wide, and yet dull- somehow. Tired. It doesn't matter- as long as Sulli is listening. Julian doesn't need a response, because no matter how much Sulli seems to go through, their face is still just as expressive as it was before. "...That's not fair."

"None of this has been fair." It hasn't. That's just how it is. Life is very seldom fair, and as Julian has now discovered, that isn't restricted to just one race. It's universal. Life is very complicated, and things will be unfair, but because life is so complicated, you have a chance to change something in it. He wants to tell Sulli to not be naive, it's a particular trait that he finds fault with, but Sulli isn't naive. They aren't oblivious to the terrors of the world.

At first, he'd been surprised- baffled even, finding out Sulli was a criminal justice major. They'd just seemed too bright for that. To Icarus - flying too close to the sun, only to discover they're falling a moment later. Sulli isn't naive. Certainly, not now, they just choose to search for a silver lining, to doubt the evil in people. It's dangerous, but at the same time, also quite admirable.

"It wasn't your fault." The words clearly hit home for Sulli, because their features wrinkle in response to him. "You didn't cause this Sulli. Adelaide was framing you - it was the play the whole time. Get you to join club lore, get us to blame you when things went wrong, and-" sickness sunk into his stomach, "Sulli, did you notice that I wasn't really hurt, when you came to rescue us?"

Julian didn't wait for an answer, only taking in the slow nod.

"Adelaide had ordered that. She thought if she could convince me to see her way, I could be salvaged. She wanted you to join Club Lore, and she wanted you to pry, because it would eventually lead to creating a stronger resentment of humans. She wanted to convince a few of us. Me and Yaşru, mostly I think. Although Sedna quickly turned Yaşru right off after what she did to Magnus. Not that I also wasn't immediately against it- I was. Adelaide just thought I could be convinced eventually." The thought made him feel sick, churching anger in the pit of his stomach.

Cassiopeia.

He hadn't been able to see her. She was kept above him, and her crying- it tore him apart. It was enough torture that he wished it had been physical, so at the very least, he could stop the echoing screams of his friends. 

Julian ran his hand through his hair, jaw twitching as he did his best to dismiss it, looking back to Sulli. "I wasn't right." The words are unfamiliar, and Julian would have laughed at how comedic it felt if this wasn't such a serious situation.

"What?"

"There is no Club Lore, without you, Sulli."

Julian can see it coming, the tears- but oddly enough it feels like his chest hurts at the sight too. His throat feels heavy, like he can't speak. That's never happened to him before - well, no, it has, but not for a long while.

"I'm really glad you're home." He can't anymore. Julian's arms go around Sulli in a hug.

"Oh." Sulli crumbles a little, dropping their head. They don't make any sound, but Julian can feel their chest hitch with every sob that cranks out of them. Julian actually does like physical affection with his friends, but Sulli wouldn't know that because Julian had practically refused to consider it. Some of it was internal resentment that Lore admitted Sulli despite his insistent denial, and the other part of it is just his own unrelenting pride.

He'd been wrong.

It's really an indescribable feeling, how it felt to watch Sulli die for them. He can recall that moment even- not when the sword drove through their chest (although that frequently replays too), but when Sulli had the sword in their hands, and was so desperate to break the chains holding him. It'd been so strange. They hadn't gone to anyone else- they'd gone to him.

Sulli Chevalier, who thought Julian tolerated them, tried to get to them first.

Why?

Julian almost laughed at himself, he could hear the internalized why in his head, he's not sure why he heard it in Sulli's voice.

"Sulli. Why would you go for me first?"

Carefully hiding his face, Sulli shook their head. "I thought you would know what to do."

Oh.

Oh.

'You do seem like the older brother type.'

Sulli didn't see him as a friend- not in the same way they saw the others. No, they saw him as a brother. An older one at that. Someone that he was terrified to disappoint. And that's what you do when you're scared, don't you? You hide behind your older brother- or older sister, he supposes. Older sibling.

Julian had already cried about the letter, the reminder shot straight through his heart. "Sulli, I'm so sorry."

He was.

"I should have kept you safe too."

"You're hugging me."

"Yes, I've been doing that for like a minute now." Julian would have rolled his eyes, but it felt like a sensitive subject. Hugging each of the Lore members was like a rite of passage, a show of trust. He'd regretted not hugging them the moment he saw that vial of blood. Carefully, he pulled back, bracing his hands on their arms and clearing his throat. No need for Sulli to see how emotional it had made him for someone to think of him so highly. "Also, Sulli- your letter-"

Sulli's cheeks warmed, and they immediately shook their head, "I didn't mean-"

"I would have loved being your older brother."

That got them to shut up pretty quick, staring not blankly at him, but like the words needed a second to completely register. So Julian did what any good older brother should do. He smiled at them.

"You might be a curious little shit, and bite off way more than you can chew Sulli, but you're smart. And even if I think your taste in men is particularly awful-"

"Hey-"

"-I think it could be worse. Cassiopeia's is clearly worse." Julian skipped past that train of thought, barrelling on. "You make a lot of stupid decisions, but most of them are done with good intentions. It wasn't your fault. None of this was your fault. You did a good job."

Sulli was quiet again for a second, registering that before a frown played at their mouth. "You haven't made up with Cassiopeia yet." It wasn't a question, it was an accusation, and one that sent a flood of embarrassment down into his stomach.

"There's been a lot going on-"

"I don't care- you think I risked my life only to see a fairytale romance flop??"

Well, at least if there's a pro here, is that Sulli clearly isn't afraid to snap back at people now.

"I did not die only to see you suddenly become a coward. Get off your ass Julian and go talk to her."

"I- now??"

"Yes!"

"Someone's bossy- I thought I was the older brother here??"

"You're only three years older than me."

"That's still older." Julian pointed out, but Sulli gave him a look that reminded him of just how pathetic that argument sounded. Sulli's glare flattened, and it didn't look particularly fitting for their face, but he got the message. "What if I'm too late?" It'd been a question he'd been asking himself lately.

"Well. Better late than never." Sulli, still sitting on his bed, shooed him up. "Go, Julian. Or that never is going to become a lot more of a reality than you want."

"What am I supposed to say??"

"Tell her how you feel?"

"That's not my strong suit."

"Well make it be. Cassiopeia deserves to hear it."

Sulli was right, Julian knew that. So all he could do was pray that he knew what to say when he saw her.

That's how all the romance stories played out, right?

⋯

It was not.

In fact, Julian had no idea what to say to her.

There were so many things he wanted to say to her- too many things if he was being honest. Cassiopeia was just so.. Cassiopeia. So kind. So giving. So gracious. So beautiful. She was an angel in every sense of the word. Julian was almost convinced that he could live purely on the radiance that she carried with her alone.

What kind of flower doesn't bloom in the sun?

It was so frustrating, not only because he'd hurt her, but because he'd also hurt himself. This romance he so desperately sought out- a love so strong and true that he would chase it to the ends of the earth and beyond, he'd taken it from himself. Self-sabotage.

How fitting.

He'd slayed an angel and thought she'd be able to revive herself.

Cassiopiea had never quite looked at him the same after that night, and he craved her attention - no. Not attention. He didn't even need her to look at him, he just needed her to be happy. And Cassie was always happy, always good- maybe that's where he'd failed. Usually he was so observant, so quick-witted, so on top of it all. How could one person demolish that with just her presence alone?

She knew when he was lying.

She always had- and yet, she would never call him out on it, not a word against it. Perhaps she'd ask him in private, but when she didn't, he'd asked her why.

Cassiopeia had merely responded that she trusted him. That if he felt the need to lie, why should she doubt his intentions? If he wanted to lie, and she believed it, that was on him for taking advantage, not on her for giving a friend her trust.

The sun was setting, and colors bloomed across the sky, as if an artist had hand-selected a pallet for their painting. The air was cool and still, dropping steadily as the last of the sun's rays kissed the horizon. The end of the year was fast approaching- and while they still had a few days, Christmas was tomorrow.

And wouldn't it be lovely, to wake up knowing he'd tried?

He found her where he always did. In the library, it was quiet- and the librarians would be closing early for Christmas eve- but she was there standing by a window, fingertips brushing along a shelf of books, eyes slanted in that glorious sunset that streamed in through the glass. Beautiful as ever.

She'd met his eyes as he walked up to her, desperately searching for the words to convince her that what she wanted, and what he wanted were the same thing.

Julian has never been a poet. Despite being a romantic, and a philosopher, the words of love and romance have always seemed to escape him. Surely, he can think, and debate, and contemplate a thousand problems- but love isn't a problem until you're living it. It's not a problem till you realize you're in deep, drowning in feelings that you don't know how to express.

How was Julian supposed to think about love, when he's been chasing it for a lifetime, and ignoring it when it's in front of him?

He's not a poet. He doesn't have the words of one, especially when it comes to this. He doesn't know what to say at this moment to convince Cassiopeia that he's so desperate - not for her body, but her. Everything that comes with it. He hasn't seen her smile since, well before everything happened. He wants her too.

Julian isn't a poet- but he's not sure if he wants to be one. While his mind scrambles for an epic love confession, something straight out of those books that he secretly loves, something so raw and unfiltered it makes the reader clutch at their shirt as if their heart is the one being stitched up by the words, he wonders: what would Cassie want to hear? What does she deserve to hear?

Julian won't be a poet. He can't think of words he doesn't want to say- so he says the ones he knows instead. The ones he believes in.

"I love you."

No hesitation, they stand still in the air. Bright, lovely eyes meeting his. She's quiet- and he expected her to be, but once he said one thing- well, it's like his heart can't carry anything else for a moment longer.

"I love you. I'm sorry." He is sorry, and he does love her. He doesn't need the flowery language of a confession. He doesn't need readers to gasp in disbelief at just how utterly romantic the confession is- because all Julian needs is Cassiopeia.

He doesn't care if no one else remembers their love, because he sure as hell will.

"Julian-"

"I love you. That's not going away any time soon." It won't. "I know I hurt you, Cassie, and I don't want to do that anymore- I'm tired too. I just- I love you, and I thought, well, truthfully, I wasn't thinking." Julian looked down at her hand, making a move to brush his fingers against her own. "..but it's nice to not think sometimes. I feel like I do it too much, my head hurts. But right now- and right then- I wasn't thinking, and you're really good at stopping a train of thought before it runs off the tracks."

"I-"

"I know that you're still hurting. And I'm so sorry- I just wanted to see you in there. And I would never, never choose Adelaide over you, I wouldn't choose anyone over you. I just wanted to see you. And now that we're home- I don't see you at all, I want that to change."

"Jules-"

"Please, Cassiopeia, believe me." Julian looked up at her, only to find her hand already reaching for his face. It was soft, and sweet- gentle, like she always was.

"Julian, I believe you. Can you stop?"

"What?"

"I believe you."

"Why?"

"I can tell when you're lying. Remember?"

Julian's heart melted in his chest right then, and he didn't waste another second, one hand finding her waist to pull her closer, and the other to her face so he could plant his mouth right against hers.

Cassie's hands planted at his chest, and he could feel her laugh into his mouth, as if the sensation wouldn't make his heart skip an unhealthy amount of beats. The kiss didn't last long, because he wanted to hold her more than he wanted to kiss her, so Julian's hands instead wrapped around her, dropping his head into her shoulder, only to murmur into her neck. Cassie instead put her hand on the back of his neck, slowly rubbing it up and down. "Poor baby"

"I'm not."

"You are."

"Mmm."

Cassie giggled again, and the feeling once again made his arms tighten around her. "I love you, Julian."

"I love you more, Cassie."

───────────────

WYN

twenty-nine...

it was a little longer than i expected, but so deserved for cassie and juilan (confession time they might be my favorite ship i've gotten to write in Lore, even if I do love ALL of the ships <3)

this is the last actual chapter you guys. Next is the epilogue, and then we're done (I'm crying).

Thank you so much for sticking with me this whole time, I love you all <3