"We need to face what we are. All of what we are, even the parts that hurt."

~ Sara Raasch

The sound of hoofs thumping made me perk up, hoisting the weight of my body onto my elbows to turn my head around and see. It was Reina. Tobias guided her using her reins. Side by side, they approached me. "Come on." He motioned for me to climb the horse.

I stared at him with puzzled eyes, "I—I can't, I told you already, I can't." I dusted my jeans before standing up, arms crossed over my chest.

"Why not?"

I contemplated whether to ask about the people in the alleyway or Kiara. I chose the former because I knew the latter would sour his mood further and backfire. "Why were those people after you? In the alley." I challenged his question with mine.

"You first," he insisted, a stubborn look on his face.

"How do I know you'll hold up your end?" I was skeptical that he would answer.

"You don't."

You gotta give something to get something.

I huffed, caving in. "I fell and fractured my collarbone, had to wear a sling for six months." My heart grew heavy as flashbacks of my last ride flickered before my eyes. "It's been three years but after that, I could just never get back on a horse again," I managed to whisper, feeling infinitely small. I glanced at Reina, then back at the amber-eyed boy. "Your turn." I urged him quickly, leaving out the part about my anxiety.

"I have something that they want. They have something I want," he explained with a concentrated stare, stroking the side of Reina's neck. I slowly brought myself to her side, letting her form a barrier between Tobias and me.

"What is it? This thing you want?"

I chewed the inside of my cheek in the desperate hope that he wouldn't dismiss my follow-up question. His deafening silence reflected his unwillingness to share any further. I let it be, not pushing him.

After a moment or two, he said, "You'll never know if you don't try."

"Huh?"

"You'll never know if you don't try. You can't let your fear control you." He gestured towards Reina.

I crossed my arms over my chest, "It's not a fear."

"What else is it?" He wasn't backing down.

I just stared at him with glossy eyes, my pride not letting me admit how intimidated I was by the idea of riding again. My palms got clammy, my heartbeat thudding. I could feel the blood pulsing through the veins in my ears.

Please don't break down.

"Why are you doing this?" I whispered softly, my voice becoming vulnerable. My left leg started twitching as I suppressed my anxiety.

This can't be happening.

Breathe.

Inhale. Exhale.

"Because, believe it or not, I know how it feels to be scared. I can see it in your eyes. You're scared." He moved from across Reina, approaching me. I averted my gaze, staring at the ground for emotional support, my shoulders shaking. "I won't let you fall." His words held depth unlike ever before, his eyes tainted with unexpected hope.

"You can't let your fear control you."

Breathe.

"I won't let you fall."

Breathe.

"You'll never know if you don't try."

Breathe.

"I can see it in your eyes. You're scared."

I inhaled the deepest breath, letting my lungs overflow their capacity.

He's wrong. I'm not scared.

With shaky hands and an overwhelmed mind, I latched my foot onto the stirrup and drew support from the saddle in an attempt to mount the towering beast. I felt the earth slip beneath my feet, the stirrup slipping from my grip. I felt my deepest fear come alive when my sweaty hands let the saddle loose.

He was right. I was fucking terrified.

I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think. I couldn't see. I couldn't even scream. But I could feel all of it, like a sinking ship. I could feel the onset of my demise. All I knew was that I was falling backward and the earth would swallow me whole just like the ocean consumed the titanic. I inhaled a sharp gasp when I felt the softest arms cradle my fall, the hem of my t-shirt rising as his touch lingered around my bare waist.

"I've got you. Breathe. Just breathe."

Breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Once my erratic heart simmered, he slowly hoisted me onto the horse, careful enough to keep his grip firm, trying not to rattle the horse. I squeezed my eyes tightly when I felt Reina bounce, taking a light step towards the watering hole to graze on the grass.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I'm going to pass out.

Tobias stared at me with an indecipherable look in his eyes. After handing me the reins, he released my right foot from the stirrup and I instinctively dislodged my left. Despite my best efforts to calm my heart, the way he was watching me only worsened my condition.

I managed to choke out, "What..." but I stopped talking when I realized what he was doing. He propped himself effortlessly onto Reina, the warmth of his body radiating from behind me. His arms took control by looping under mine, lodged beneath my armpits. I was stiff and uneasy but my breathing was regaining its composure.

Breathe.

"You're okay." He reassured me. I shuddered when I felt his breath whisper against the back of my neck. He slowly reached for the reins, his hands slithering down my forearms towards my jittery hands.

I'm okay.

I let out a sharp breath when he wrapped his hands around mine, knuckles still bruised. After clutching the reins tightly with his left hand over both of mine, he wrapped his right arm around my waist. My heartbeat was rapidly escalating, I couldn't focus. I felt his body tense up when he pressed me against himself. Just like that, we began trotting. Every time Reina would bounce, Tobias would skilfully lift both of us, using the arm that gripped me.

It felt like a dream. I had avoided riding for so long. I had let my fear control my life. It felt liberating to overcome something which had been haunting me. As Tobias flicked the reins, we began picking up the pace. Feeling the breeze tickle my face, I somewhat relaxed into his chest. Soon after, Tobias and I were galloping against the wind, his grip tightening each time we hopped. It was overwhelming, to say the least.

After a revolutionary ride, we trotted back towards the stables. I couldn't help but feel conscious of myself and of what I would say to him after the moment was over. He had pushed me to overcome something which was a big deal to me. It was impossible to believe that this was the same Tobias who called himself Sicaruis inside the ring. I wasn't embarrassed but I felt awkward because of how personal riding was, being so close to each other.

He descended first, helping me shortly after. I couldn't find the words to tell him how much what he did meant to me. Whatever his flaws, he was as human as I was. Before joining the others, he halted, leaned against the outer wall of the stables, pulling a cigarette to his lips. I gave him a disapproving look and closed the distance between us, despite the fact that I knew the smoke would get to me.

My hand rose to gently pluck the cigarette out of his mouth, "This isn't good for you. It'll kill you," I said softly, but before I managed to remove the cigarette, he caught it between his two fingers and released the smoke onto my face.

"Why do you care?" He shrugged while taking a slow drag, leaving the cigarette in place and putting the lighter back into his pocket.

"Because, believe it or not, I know how it feels to want an escape from reality. But this..." I stepped forward and pried the burning stick of poison from between his lips, "...this is not the way." I held the cigarette between my fingers.

"Give it back," he said in a dangerously low voice.

"You want to be stubborn? Fine. Let's be stubborn." I bit back.

If he could overstep boundaries to psychoanalyze my insecurities, I sure as hell could do the same. I raised the cigarette, wrapping my lips around it. I sucked in a light drag, the nicotine enticing my bloodstream. The bitter aftertaste of smoke left an unwanted residue in its wake but I didn't show it.

I couldn't. 

His features hardened but he tried to mask them, recovering quickly. I raised an eyebrow at him, cocking my head to the side in an attempt to get a rise out of him. He closed the gap between us with a threatening stride but I didn't cower away. He swiped the cigarette from between my long fingers before flicking the butt towards the ground. 

"Don't do that, dammit." He huffed, the wildness in his eyes seeping into mine. He turned away, frustrated beyond comparison, pressing the bridge of his nose and shaking his head.

"Do what?" I scoffed.

"Smoke for the sake of proving a point."

"Why do you care?" I shot his own words back at him.

"You know how you said I was dangerous?" He gave me a blank look, "Well, I fucking am." He emphasized each word.

"Stop trying to scare me away." I sighed, "Look, I get it, alright? Shutting people out, it's a defensive mechanism." I slid my tongue over my lower lip as my throat dried, "But you can't just expect me to ignore what happened back there." I gestured towards the watering hole.

"Why would you do that for me? Why would it matter to you? Why did you pull me out of the street? Why do you keep saving me? Why do you care?" My voice began rising as I rambled on and on until my voice cracked, "Why?" I whispered lightly.

"I don't know!" He yelled louder than thunder before storming off, his words ringing through my ears like an explosion.

————

I wandered through the antic store, appreciating item after item. My eye caught a golden bangle with an adjustable cuff, open from one end. I fiddled with it before trying it on. It was decorated with a delicate sunflower at the center, with hues of bronze, copper, and gold.

My mind drifted back to the uncomfortable lunch we had at the riding club. Tobias and I had remained abnormally silent, which, of course, hadn't gone unnoticed by Andy and Dan. Luckily, the car ride to the mall hadn't been as tense. I had hoped that gift shopping for Emily would have taken my mind off of him. Clearly, it wasn't helping.

Dan's voice diverted me from my thoughts, "What do you think?" He held up an intricately crafted necklace, showcasing it to us. Andy was closer to us while Tobias was lingering around the entrance. It was a clear pendant with a pastel pink-colored water lily pressed within it. "Water lilies are kinda our thing too," Dan added coyly.

"I think it's beautiful. She'll love it, it's personal." I smiled at him as I placed the sunflower cuff back on the rack.

"I think it's the one, man," Andy responded. "I remember the first thing I got Melly, it wasn't nearly as romantic," Andy quipped. "Any guesses?"

I found myself laughing, "It was one of those candy bracelets. I remember how happy Mel got when you gave it to her."

"She's so cute, she never even ate it because she wanted to 'preserve our love'." He grinned ear to ear.

"I think it's safe to say Em will love it," I reassured Dan.

"I'm so fucking nervous," Dan said anxiously while walking to the counter.

"Ah, young love." Andy teased.

At that moment, I caught a glimpse of Tobias through my peripheral vision.

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Be the best version of yourself, for yourself.

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Love, Ari