"do people always assume that your alright?"

LOOKING DOWN AT THE PHOTO IN MY HANDS,

another sob escaped my lips knowing she'd be 33 today.

it was about seven thirty in the morning, and i should be at school but i'm not. im sitting at my mama's grave, and originally went to wish her a happy birthday, but totally lost it.

i had a picture of us taped up on my dash, and pulled it off and brought it out here.

she had her auburn curls down, and she was laughing at something that had happened or something i had said.

her smile was so contagous. if you had such a bad day and you saw her smile, it'd make you smile.

i don't think that there had ever been a time that i hadn't seen her smile.

it had been four months since she was last alive, and today was the four-month anniversary and her birthday.

"i miss you so much mama."i hiccuped, clutching the photo to my chest.

i was a month away from the trial, and i wasn't ready to talk about it again.

do people always think you're alright? it seemed like it but i hadn't been able to face anyone today. i had been her since five-thirty, and i had been up since four.

this was one of the worst days of my life.

"why'd you have to leave me mama?"i asked, "it hurts so badly."

"i hate that you're gone. why couldn't it have been me?"i whispered, and leaned my head up against the grave.

i wanted everything to be ok.

✰

I ENDED UP MAKING IT TO THIRD PERIOD

but i was so out of it today.

i hadn't been paying attention the whole time here, and i had barely even realized what we were doing.

we were watching some movie about cars because mr.langston had nothing planned for today.

thats it.

i was looking down at the desk thinking about everything thats happened so far.

i had broken down at mama's grave.

i was barely awake due to the amount of hours i had slept.

i was late to school.

and it was four months since mama died and it was her birthday.

breaks screeching broke me out of my thoughts, and the next thing i knew, i was brought back to four months ago.

"shit! i'd be rich!"

i laughed, as rich played through the speakers of mama's car, and we were having a good time.

for the first time in awhile, the two of us were finally letting loose. it had been months since we had 'girl' time and im sure mama loved seeing me let loose.

so as mama drove down I-93 into quincy, i couldn't help but smile. we had both been busy due to school softball ( and club ) and i was just finishing up my freshman year, and mama had been working a lot lately.

so since we both had a free night, we took the opportunity to go out and do what we used to do before and during i got into middle school.

just drive around and basically do carpool karaoke.

i had been looking around at the scenery, knowing how much i loved this state and how beautiful it was.

i noticed headlights quickly coming towards the front of the car, and my eyes widned, and my hands shook.

the next thing i knew, the car had crashed dead into us.

our screams flew throughout the night air, and we jerked back and fourth.

"no!"i screamed, feeling my chest rise up and down.

"mama no!"

"becca..."i thought i heard her faintly say, making my eyes widen.

"becca."

"becca!"

i saw AJ right in front of me and i was shaking as sobs wracked my body.

mama was right next to me, it was almost like i could reach out and give her a hug, but i had to relive the crash again.

"someone go get mr.jones."mr.langston yelled, and AJ looked up, "or preston! he's in mrs.alains right now!"

my chest felt like there was an elephant on top of it, and it was hard to take a deep breath in.

"i can't breathe."i wheezed, and aj put her hands in mine.

"ok beast. i need you to take some deep breaths. in through your nose, out through your mouth."aj instructed, and my chest got tighter, "i can't!"

"yes you can beast. c'mon, take a slow deep breath with me."aj pleaded, and we started hearing yelling down the hall.

i started to get really light headed and dizzy, due to the lack of air and AJ could tell.

someone replaced AJ in her spot, and it was preston, "c'mon princess, in through your nose, out through your mouth."

preston wrapped me in a hug, and i had just totally lost it.

"why don't you guys take her to the nurse?"mr.langston suggested, and preston nodded before he led me down to the nurses office after i had calmed down.

i started to drown everything out, besides the fact that the nurse had me lie down before going to get uncle chris.

"hey princess."preston brushed back a piece of hair, as i sniffed looking down, "what happened?"

tears welled up in my eyes, and had my hands crossing so that they touched my hips, "the accident.."

i sat up and preston gave me a hug, making shapes on my back, calming me down a little.

this day was just fucking horrible