Like much of the rest of the Coruscant underworld, today felt bleak. It was nothing new for Ahsoka, just another day of fending for herself.

Her comm beeped at 0500 on the dot as per usual, rousing her from a light sleep, but while she couldn't yet place it, something felt different about this morning's alarm.

She let it ring a few more times, her montrals perking up slightly in search of the difference.

There.

Where there used to only be her alarm's shrill rhythmic ticking, today, a steady buzz — the telltale sign of a new holomessage — joined the fray.

She never normally opened them because more often than not, they were some kind of scam or location tracker, and being found or having her true identity leaked? She couldn't afford that.

Nonetheless, the Force surrounding this message felt safe, comforting, even inviting, and since there were no alarms blaring in her head, she decided to take a chance.

The comm was placed on the floor of her shabby apartment, and when activated, the glowing blue figure of a very familiar someone popped up.

"Ahsoka!" Anakin Skywalker smiled. "I'm so glad you opened this. I was afraid you wouldn't bother and I'd never get to tell you."

He was different, she noted. He'd grown his hair out and the shadowy circles beneath his eyes were starkly contrasted against his pale skin. He was exhausted and the creases on his forehead that Ahsoka could swear hadn't been there before made him look so much older than he actually was, but the sparkle of kindness in his eyes had never disappeared.

"How are you? Are you doing okay? I hope you're taking care of yourself, wherever you are. Listen, um," he glanced around before focusing back on her. "I don't have much time before Obi-Wan comes knocking; we've got to go on a mission in about ten minutes. But I was digging around a few days ago, looking for spare droid parts, and look what I found."

He reached for something off-screen, and once his hand was visible again, in it he held a beautiful wooden guitar. "Recognize this?"

The air caught in Ahsoka's throat. Of course she recognized it. She'd recognize that guitar anywhere.

Skywalker's expression turned thoughtful. "When you'd just become my Padawan, I remember you having trouble adjusting to the new sleeping quarters, so I brought out my guitar and played some songs until you drifted off."

Fond memories of a much younger Anakin singing a fourteen-year-old Ahsoka to sleep surged out, floating before her very eyes. Her eyes burned, suddenly — oh, how she wished she could go back to simpler times, where it was just him and her facing the world together.

Walking away from him had been the hardest choice she'd ever had to make.

Anakin's voice jerked her out of her reverie. "Then, Kadavo happened. In the aftermath of that mission, you told me how heavily everything had been weighing on you, and you'd begun to question the Order. Wondered if the end really did justify the means."

She remembered, all right. She remembered far too vividly the devastation that followed, the same devastation neither she, Anakin, Obi-Wan nor Rex had ever managed to shake.

"I remember I hummed this song to you in the hopes that it would bring some hope and light in the ever-present darkness in the world. And, in all honesty," he said, a quiet sort of hurt in his voice, "that darkness has only gotten worse in the months after you left."

A shaky breath escaped his lips. In this moment, he was no esteemed Jedi General, was not the renowned Hero With No Fear. He was just Anakin; someone who openly wore his heart on his sleeve, and, tough exterior aside, was more vulnerable than anyone could know.

Her vision blurred.

In a futile attempt to resist a tear from streaking down her face, she bit down on her lip. This was the Anakin who'd always believed in her even when nobody else had, the Anakin who'd been willing to do anything to keep her out of harm's way.

This Anakin, the one in holographic form that stood before her, was the Anakin stripped bare of all his defences. This was the man whom she'd spoken to that fateful evening on the steps of the Jedi Temple, the mentor who'd given up so much of himself to protect her, the brother who'd tended his heart to her on a silver platter and walked away with it in shambles.

I did this, she wanted to scream. I took the best of his heart and left the rest in pieces.

He managed to pull himself together and paint a smile convincing enough to all those who didn't know him well enough.

He's constantly standing on a precipice, Ahsoka realized, not for the first time. He inches closer to the edge every day but hides it so well that nobody would know he'd fallen until it was too late.

"Anyways, I wanted to play you that song again. It reminds me of that conversation we had, and I know it's more bittersweet more than anything, but it still rings true, and the more I think about it, the more I realize how well it suits us."

Us?

The sparkling yet wistful opening chords of Grow As We Go floated from the comm into her montrals, and Anakin's voice followed soon after. (play song!)

You say there's so much you don't know
You need to go and find yourself.
You say you'd rather be alone,
'Cause you think you won't find it tied to someone else.
Ooh, who said it's true?
That the growing only happens on your own?
They don't know me and you.

He looked up, sending the smallest of crooked smiles her way.

"I don't think you have to leave, if to change is what you need,
You can change right next to me. When you're high, I'll take the lows;
You can ebb and I can flow, and we'll take it slow.
And grow as we go, grow as we go."

As Anakin's voice carried through the chords, each note seemed to stir the pool of Ahsoka's memories. Laughter and shared glances in the heat of battle, the weight of her lightsabers, the gravity of his teachings—all summed up in a melody that echoed the sentiment of each word sung.

You don't ever have to leave,
If to change is what you need,
You can change right next to me.
When you're high, I'll take the lows;
You can ebb and I can flow.
And we'll take it slow... and grow as we go.

Where this song used to be her source of comfort, her chest now ached at the warmth that was no longer there.

"I don't know who we'll become. I can't promise it's not written in the stars,
But I believe that when it's done, we're gonna see that it was better
That we grew up together..."

She knew what was coming, but only knowing did nothing to stop the hurricane of emotions that followed.

"Tell me you don't wanna leave,
'cause if change is what you need,
You can change right next to me. When you're high, I'll take the lows;
You can ebb and I can flow.
We'll take it slow, and grow as we go.
Grow as we go;
Grow as we go,
Grow as we go."

Ahsoka didn't dare look up at her former Master. She couldn't bear to witness the tenderness in his gaze, the love she didn't deserve. It was only until the last chord faded away into nothingness, and his voice softly called out to her did she risk a glance upward."

"Ahsoka... "

He's the spitting image of what she imagined.

His Adam's apple bobs, slowly, and he succeeds in breaking what little restraint she has left to not break down completely. "This isn't how I anticipated our friendship to end, nor is it how I expected this day to go. But I hope you know that you will be with me, always. I'll never stop looking out for you, and please, if there's ever anything you need help with... comm me."

He brings his hand out to her, a bittersweet smile tugging at his lips as his hologram begins to fade.

"Happy birthday, Snips," he says finally. "And May the Force Be With You."

By the time Ahsoka reaches out to press her palm against Anakin's shaky blue one, it was already too late.

***

disclaimer: i had not intended to make this so angst-heavy. i kinda just took the idea and ran with it, sorry D:

also maybe im overthinking but i sometimes feel like i can't wRITE. like i feel like this was so bad but also kinda good at the same time???? for example i'd be reading ao3 fics and im just thinking "damn their writing is so good, mine could never compare" TvT

anyone else, or is it just me?

okay anyways!! i'll try to actually post on schedule (im such a procrastinator tho) from now on, no more empty promises