➪ꏳꀍꍏᖘ 038

You're not stringing him along,are you?"
Amori asks,seated across from me while watching me prepare dinner in my kitchen.

My brows furrow at the thought that my best friend would think of me as such,but then I remember my toxic past with relationships and it's automatically justified.

One could say I had the bad habit of keeping men on a weak little string when I felt trapped between wanting to leave them,or choosing to stay.

It's why I have so many failed relationships as well,the ever present feel that they would eventually grow tired,all that vulnerability,all that love,the time, affection and effort spent going to waste once they became fed up with me.

I learned my lesson once,and I wasn't up for the telltale games of repeating it.

A broken home was quite enough.

"No,at least I don't think so?"
I mumble,the sizzle of the pan beneath me having me scrunch my nose at the pungent smell of onions.

I'm suddenly reminded of our last date,of Jungkook's cooking that melted on my tongue like the sweetest chocolate sundae,and a uncomfortable feeling makes itself known in my chest.

A sigh from Amori has me glancing up at her,a solemn expression settled on her features as she crosses her arms.

"Tell me you've not deliberately been avoiding him after he popped that particular question your way."
She said in a demanding tone,and my eyes automatically role to the back of my head at her insinuations.

"No,I haven't been avoiding him.
I see the fucking man at work everyday,so there is no possible way,that even if I wanted to,I wouldn't be able to avoid him."

"So you've been avoiding him then."

"What the fuck did I just say?"
I'm incredibly tempted to throw a temper tantrum at my big age, because where was it possible that I could avoid Jungkook when I had to converse with him on the daily?

My office a couple feet across from his,my seat being next to his in the boardroom and we at least have one meeting a day in that stiflingly place,so how the fuck,could Amori come up with the assumption that I have been avoiding Jungkook?

"You said you see him at work everyday,yes,which means you are forced to converse with Jungkook on the daily,and none of it could actually come from you just wanting to spend time with him and talk about topics that are abit more personal than the companies publicity feed?"

When I look up at her, my face probably mirrors my confusion at her question,because her answering sigh is one of annoyance.

"You haven't meeted with Jungkook outside of work since,I don't even know,maybe weeks ago?
You barely respond to his attempts at contacting you,you borderline just plainly act like he doesn't exist if it isn't related to work.Seokjin sees it,Taehyung and Jimin has to deal with the aftermath,and I'm saddled up with,as I once accurately said,the most densely oblivious person I know."

Oh.

Oh no.

My legs feel weak all so suddenly,so I reach behind me to tug closer one of the barstools that accompany my kitchen island,one that I remember in a daze, having Jungkook between my legs while sharing slow kisses.

Why do I keep thinking of him?

This past month had bordered on me blocking any discomforting emotions, distancing myself from Jungkook abit for reasons that remain unknown,and yet not so not known,while wholely investing my time and energy into the press release that would take place tomorrow.

Had I purposely been removing myself from Jungkook's life all this while?

Sure,I've maybe not been picking up most of his calls,maybe all of them if you looked at my call log,maybe I've been purposely avoiding any of his attempts to meet me outside of work which I labeled with me being too busy anyway, preparing for this press conference and the Gala event that would take place the week thereafter.

"What do you mean Jimin and Taehyung has to deal with the aftermath?"
I softly inquire,my thoughts all so suddenly rearranged of how I was busy falling into the old pattern of removing myself at the mere sightning if feelings.

At the mere possibility of vulnerability.

"Jungkook,has always been soft.
I ought to think you already know that, wouldn't you?"
She says softly.

I'm thankful for logically thinking to switch my stove off, because as I sit here,I don't think I'll be able to physically remove myself from my seat as dread fills every inch of my body.

Saddened,so suddenly at the thought of Jungkook hurting because of me.

Or maybe the aftermath of suppressing my emotions was finally here.

I'm reminded that it had to be three weeks since I've felt the warm gooey feeling that came with Jungkook's hugs and kisses,that I've felt endorphins excitingly course through my veins when watching him talking about mostly nothing,the flush I felt when his touches felt so affectionate against my skin,the last time the syllables of his name crossed the barrier of my lips.

When was the last time I had called him something other than Jeon?

Oh.

I could see it now,I could see why Amori kept trying to bring up the topic of my situationship with Jungkook,I could finally see how devastatingly I was walking the same path I've walked with most my dead relationships.

I didn't want Jungkook's and mine to end up as a dead relationship.

But I also hadn't thought about the question he asked on our last date.

What exactly was Jungkook to me?

The air was tense and silent when our date came to an end and I was walking him to my door.

Usually I'd forbid him to go out that late at night,but when I asked him if he wanted to stay,he'd immediately opted to leave instead.I can't say it didn't hurt, Jungkook had always been eager to snuggle up to me in his sleep,and I've grown accustomed to the warmth of his body next to mine with how often we shared a bed,be it mine or his.

I didn't want to let him go,I embarrassed myself with how tightly I held on to him when he had finished tying his shoe laces and shrugged his loose jacket over his shirt.

All bundled up and with a resigned smile Jungkook left my apartment that night,the tightening of his fists against my hips when I enveloped myself in his bigger form, smothering myself in his intoxicating spicy scent,the grounding feel of his muscled arms pulling me into him,as if he didn't want to let go,just as I didn't.

"Are you sure you don't want to stay,baby?"
I had asked as a last attempt to not let the warmth that was Jungkook go.

He had gazed down at me with a somewhat misty look,his eyes lost of its warmth a little,and I couldn't help the furrow that marred the skin between my brows.

"I think it'd be best if I sleep at my place for once,I'm starting to make a burden of myself here."
He chuckled hollowly as he brushed his lips against mine, leaving me confused and feeling agitated when he immediately left to walk out of my door.

I knew I did something wrong,but I didn't know what to do then,just as I don't know why I'm feeling as I'm feeling now.

"I-I don't know what to do."
I sighed aloud, Amori tapping her manicured nails to the counter top as she hums in agreement.

"Yes,you do not.
But you'll always have a hunch,even if it's in the deepest, darkest corner of that maze of a mind you have,I think you'll figure it out."

I glande up at her with a frown set on my lips,and Amori smiles amusedly at it.

"I'll finish the cooking while you sit to yourself and think about your actions a little."

She tugs on my hair in a way that comforts me a little in my misery,and I send a watery smile her way.

I don't know what I'd do without Amori,if she's wasn't here to talk some sense into my head every now and then.

——

Phew,exams drained me y'all.
Physically and emotionally both.

Anyways,here some feed to sate the urges and I'll eventually be back with frequent updates once I've finally gathered all my scattered brain cells.

Love,Converse high<33