♥️ 𝒥𝒾𝓁𝓎 ♥️

【As she ages, Lily begins to understand the meaning of the big wide world...】

(Entry for seller_of_dreams  competition)

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When Lily Evans was small she was a curious creature, a charming little thing that no one could bring themselves to be stern with. She was fickle in her youth, always asking questions and toddling off before she had the chance to hear the answer, and more often than not, her questions could drive the best of philosophers to ruin- possibly even insanity. But perhaps most philosophers were arbitrary anyway, and so to be driven to insanity might not have been a particularly spectacular feat.

But no matter how curious Lily Evans was, and no matter how many millions of futile questions she would pose in a day, her favourites -that's to say the ones she bothered to stay and hear an answer- always seemed to be based on 'the big wide world.' Though not in the lateral sense. The thing with this curious little child was that she hadn't been at all concerned with the big wide world as it were, because she hadn't at all seen much of it. Not nearly enough to care about its size, but rather the wording of the phrase. Because as far as little, curious Lily Evans was concerned, the big wide world reached the end of her garden and stopped at the gate. That was her world. So why- she had often posed to her father- do we call the world so big and so wide if everybody's world is so small?
Lily Evans never seemed to understand that a world was not something as tangible as the garden fence. It went far beyond a little white gate in Cokeworth...

When Lily Evans was eleven she was no longer as curious, but now she was wondrous. A letter came through the letterbox on a Tuesday afternoon that stretched her world out far beyond the big and wide...
The letter brought her to Hogwarts. A place with joyous little children, some like her, some different, all eager to learn whatever they could.

And so Lily Evans, the curious toddler and the wondrous child began to ask more questions and she began to listen out for the answers; no longer able to toddle away to inspect the garden gate, the end of the world. And so the world was bigger and wider but it was still her's. There were still places her world began and ended. If she so desired, it would have been possible to pack whatever bits of the world she kept and leave with them. Wherever she wanted. Although there was still a little white fence somewhere, stopping her. The outskirts of the woods, the top of the highest tower, the rim of the black lake. The world always had its boundaries, but she would push them.

When Lily Evans was seventeen she was no longer curious, nor wondrous. She was in love. That seemed to answer enough questions for her lifetime. James Potter would smile and the big wide world would smile with him, or she would, at least. James Potter could kiss her and the big wide world would simply melt to malleable gold, molten and electric. James Potter could get down on one knee and suddenly there was space in her big wide world for another.

Lily Evans, the curious toddler and the wondrous child still asked questions. She asked them to James, but she answered more now. She told him yes, that she would marry him. She told him, of course she loved him and that the big wide world wasn't nearly as bad as it might have been without him.

When Lily Evans was seventeen she was in love. The boundaries in her world seemed to be thinning, the barriers ripping and tearing until there was nothing left but her and James Potter.

But just as the big wide world seemed easy to take on, it began to close. All of a sudden the flowers would wilt and the ice would freeze the glittering rivers. All of a sudden Lily Evans was seventeen and a half, no longer a curious toddler, no longer a wondrous child, she was still in love but the little white gate seemed to be staring her in the face at every turn. At every covert conversation, at every turned up hood, at every baleful duel and every heartbreaking, gut-wrenching loss. With every dead body at her feet the gate drew closer, and this time she needed room for her and James in her world, which didn't seem so big or so wide at all anymore.

She asked questions, but now she hated the answers. The days she could toddle away were long behind her, and now she was forced to listen to the tremble in every voice as another friend fell. She was forced to listen to the collapse of friendships as they were questioned and she was forced to listen to the eerie sound of silence as the big wide world went numb.

When Lily Evans was seventeen and a half, she was not a curious toddler, nor a wondrous child, she was still in love but now she was a gallant soldier. Fighting for the power to open the little white gate at the end of the garden.

When Lily Evans was nineteen she was not a toddler, she was not a child, she was not curious, nor was she wondrous. She was pregnant.
Not only her world but the floor beneath her feet seemed to disappear in an array of horror and fear.
She didn't ask any questions anymore. She followed orders, she kept her mouth shut until she couldn't anymore and it came out in screams to James, the only boy worthy of sharing her big wide world and every little thing in it.

His face drained what little colour there was left, his eyes glazed over in fear and Lily was sure that he would walk right out the little white gate and never come back.

But he didn't. Eventually his arms were around her and he was whispering calming words into her ears, words she was sure they were lies, or promises he could not keep but in the moment she didn't care. They were beautiful lies, at least, and so she closed her eyes and hoped when she opened them that everything he said might come true. She wanted to believe him and so she would.

When Lily Evans was nineteen she was not a curious toddler, nor a wondrous child. She was pregnant. There was room for another in her big wide world. A world which seemed to be thinning by the day...

When Lily Evans was twenty the little white gate had a lock and key, and several different charms placed on it. It was also material, real, keeping her locked in the big wide world which was probably called Godric's Hollow. It was no place for curious toddlers or wondrous children. In fact, it wasn't a place for gallant soldiers either. It was a place for prisoners, that's what she thought. The lock on the little white gate ruined her world because it became impossible to leave. The little white gate in her head seemed much less confinate when faced with a real, palpable gate. Trapping her in the big wide world which wasn't big at all, it was deadly.

And the questions came back. Not like the curious little creature she used to be, but tear filled and perilous to even imagine the answers to.
When will it end? When can it be over? Why us? And James Potter could try to answer the questions as best he could but as time wore on, Lily realised that James was just like a philosopher. The kind that might snap under the pressure of her cross examination on the big wide world and she tried not to blame him. She loved him. He and Harry were the best parts of the tiny world. One that she was beginning to doubt she would never escape the confinements of.

Besides the questions, Lily would think. Think of the short time when the little white gate was non-existent. James had opened the door and allowed her out, to roam free wherever she chose. Wherever the wind took her. And it took her here. If she could, she would curse the wind.

When Lily Evans was twenty-one she saw the end of the world, and it looked nothing like she imagined. She had imagined flames and agony and whatever could be worse. But instead the end came with green light and a final realisation...

When He came knocking the white gate clicked open as if He'd been invited. He'd come to her big wide world with the intention of leaving it non existent. That was when she realised: it was non-existent. Because the world was not kept in a little white gate, anyone could get in or out. No, the big wide world was much smaller than that. So small that it could fit in her own two hands...

Just before the door caved in, just before the world was due to crash down on top of her, Lily Evans got the chance to hold it.

With her two hands she could hold her husbands and her baby's. They were her big wide world and she didn't want to say goodbye.

When the little white gate turned to dust and the world was black, she finally understood the meaning of the phrase 'the big wide world': the world was only as big and as wide as one allowed it to grow. It could be larger than life, with glorious sunsets and sunrises or it could be small enough to hold in your hands.

When Lily Evans was twenty-one she was not a curious toddler, nor a wondrous child. She was no longer in love -there was nothing left to love anymore. Lily Evans was not a soldier either, she hadn't been for a while. No, when Lily Evans was twenty-one she was dead. Leaving behind the torturous silence of the big wide world, of a small boy, a boy with a lightning scar, who would live in the big wide world without her.
A small boy who, one day- not long from now- would save the big wide world and would do it as a curious toddler, a wondrous child, a gallant soldier but still just a boy, too afraid to open the little white gate that would lead him home. He would do it without them in his world, but close to his heart. Because it wasn't about what was still in the world, not really. It was about what was in the little white gate of one's heart. And Harry Potter carried them with him. Every step of the way. Until the very end.

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I reckon I could do a lot better with this but we ball. This is what I've got. Apologies to anyone reading this