「 heartbreak city
call me pretty
but only at 3 in the morning
baby 」

♫ chloe lilac; heartbreak city

☆ h o n g j o o n g ☆

The sun seemed to have set on the paradise that was being with Yeosang between the satin sheets. As clouds slowly shifting across the sky, so did Yeosang. The change happened gradually, but the distance that had suddenly come to be, didn't go unnoticed on Hongjoong's behalf.

The courage to take the confrontation that kept getting stuck in Hongjoong's throat, was finally found on the bottom of the forth Martini at work. Fingers tapping against the wooden counter, as his eyes intensely watched the younger on stage.

Hongjoong was stumbling over his own feet, as he walked with his jelly-like legs towards the changing room, trying to catch up with Yeosang as soon as he had finished his show.

"Yeosang," he called out, feeling like he was about to throw up - both the alcohol and all the words he had kept inside for too long. "Can... Can I talk to you?"

"Sure?"

A simple shrug fell from Yeosang's slender, glistening shoulders, but he didn't stop walking. And Hongjoong just followed him like a lost puppy, trying his best not to feel like a complete fool for doing so. The confidence he had found just five minutes ago, started to vanish as Yeosang carelessly started getting changed next to him. Hongjoong fiddled with the sleeves of his own glittery shirt, trying to catch the words that were suddenly playing hide-and-seek in his throat.

"Is... Something wrong?" he finally dared to ask.

The brunette briefly side-eyed him, as the question was dangling helplessly between them. They weren't an item, Hongjoong knew that - but the way Yeosang deliberately had been avoiding him lately, had never happened before.

No one could make Hongjoong feel as confident and special like Yeosang, and no one could make him fall apart in broken pieces of insecurity the way Yeosang could. With his head spinning a little from all the Martinis, Hongjoong leaned against the lockers, while the anxiousness of this being the moment he had feared all along, rushed through him. The moment he would lose Yeosang for good.

"Don't worry, everything is fine," the younger suddenly said, closing his locker and finally looking directly at Hongjoong.

With his lips pulling up in an angelic but playful smile, he took one step closer, his fingers diving through his brown hair - letting it fall so beautifully back down over his face. The pink lower lip was sucked in between his teeth, as he moved even closer.

"Actually," he whispered softly into Hongjoong's ear, placing his hands on the lockers - on each side of the older's surprised face, "Everything is more than fine..."

The attack on Hongjoong's lips came so suddenly that he almost choked on his own tongue. The kiss was the last thing Hongjoong would've ever expected - and his heart was about to explode in his chest.

In a shock like state, he finally parted his lips enough to let Yeosang's tongue slide into his mouth, the younger humming sweetly as he was granted the permission, and his hands were stroking through Hongjoong's hair and down his flushed cheeks.

And just like that, Hongjoong found himself back in the paradise he thought he had been banished from. Yeosang had never kissed him before without being high, or decently drunk at least - and never, ever outside the walls of either of their bedrooms.

The kiss started off soft, but it soon became hungry and needy - Yeosang's silky tongue dragged lustful moans in between Hongjoong's lips, and Hongjoong slowly ran his fingers up underneath the loose shirt the younger was wearing, feeling every inch of his warm skin.

"Joongie?" Yeosang whispered, as he carefully broke the kiss - his wet lips shining like candied cherries in the soft lighting, and Hongjoong wanted nothing more than to taste them again. "Do you still love me?"

It had happened once, only once, when Hongjoong had been too wasted to control his own mind. The words had erupted from his lips, with instant regret following right behind them.

I love you.

One year ago, he said it - the first and last time, but both of them had done their best to ignore it. Deep down he had prayed that Yeosang had been too high to even remember.

But the look in the grey eyes had changed, and they looked at him in a way he had never seen before - like a shy flower in bloom, with petals of promises and the very thing Hongjoong so deeply wished for.

Love.

"Yes," Hongjoong whispered back, and for the first time he wasn't scared of his own feelings anymore. "Yeosang... I still love you."

"Then take me to your place, and claim me as yours," the younger purred in his ears, lips moving down to place soft kisses all over Hongjoong's neck, before returning to dance right in front of the older's. "Because I love you too. Kim Hongjoong."

☆

It was like a dream come true, a beautiful, real life dream that Hongjoong wished to never wake up from. All those nights of holding onto his aching heart, silently letting the tears fall by the thought of Yeosang never loving him back - in the end, it had all been worth it.

Hongjoong dried his sweating face with the small towel he had grabbed on his way down from the stage, humming along to the next song that was playing in the club. He had never felt this amazing before - even with several days passing by since Yeosang had finally said those beautiful words to him, Hongjoong felt happier and lighter than ever.

The butterflies in his stomach were going wild, every time he thought of the younger, and his mind was on a constant mission trying to figure out how to make him smile.

But that same night, on his way backstage, he ran into Mingi who was rushing out the door from the changing room. A strange shadow had laid down over the taller's face, as he walked with fast steps.

"What's going on?" Hongjoong chuckled, looking at his friend's distressed face. "You look like you've seen a ghost or something?"

Mingi's eyes widened up, as he saw Hongjoong coming towards him. He sent a quick look over his shoulder, towards the door he had just slammed behind him, before rubbing his neck several times - eyes hesitantly returning to Hongjoong's.

"I..." Mingi started off, but his voice cracked and turned into silence.

Hongjoong shook his head at his taller friend's strange behavior, and continued walking towards the door at the end of the hall way.

"Wait! Joong! Don't go in there!" Mingi called out, spinning around to catch up with him.

But Mingi's hand reached out one second too late, and Hongjoong pushed the door open in front of them. His entire world didn't only stop right there - it crashed and burned, pulled him down into the suffocating ruins of what had been his happiness only seconds ago.

Disbelief was smearing itself with painful strokes across Hongjoong's face, as he stared into the face he had hoped to never see again.

"Wooyoung...?"

Not only was it him, Wooyoung, it was Wooyoung just as he used to be. His arms, wrapped around Yeosang who was sitting on his lap, the locks of dirty blonde hair as messy as always, and that stupid grin that showed just how starry-eyed he still was.

"Hongjoong!" the blonde exclaimed happily, as oblivious as ever to the fact that Hongjoong despised him with his entire being.

"W-what are you... What are you doing here?"

Hongjoong eyes kept shifting between Wooyoung and Yeosang, his heart breaking more for each time he looked at the brunette, who hadn't moved one inch away from the blonde's embrace.

"Well... I'm back! Or, there's still some things that need to be settled, but as soon as they're done I'm back for good! No more hiding!" Wooyoung laughed, nuzzling his face against Yeosang's, making Hongjoong feel sick to his stomach. "And I'm so happy to be back with my Sangie."

The most vicious words were burning on Hongjoong's tongue, as he forced himself to look at the floor. He felt Mingi carefully tugging his sleeve, but he was too stunned to even move. To even breathe. The sharp pieces of his broken heart was cutting through his chest, letting all his feelings bleed out - leaving him empty and dead inside.

"Joo, let's go," Mingi mumbled behind him, once again tugging the sleeve that hugged around the numb arm.

With tears welling up in his eyes, Hongjoong finally reacted. He turned on his heels, his hollow body following Mingi out the door, with steps he didn't even register were happening - he just let his body float, with the stream of heart-rending sadness.

☆

The higher you fly - the harder you fall.

But Hongjoong felt like he would never stop falling, while so desperately trying to hold on to just anything. Little did it help though, as he continued to fall into the deep, endless hole of heartbreaking despair. The black nothingness.

"What are you doing here?" his voice was raspy, cold - but the broken pieces of his heart were rattling in pain, in the wrecked cage of his chest, as he opened the door to his apartment.

"Just here to give you this," Yeosang said, holding a plastic bag containing all the things Hongjoong had left or forgotten at his place over the years.

Without a word, Hongjoong reached his hand out and accepted the last symbol of whatever they had had together, had ended. The material things in the crumbled bag were mocking him, calling him a fool for ever believing Yeosang would love him back.

But he did. Didn't he?

He had said those words, sober, those words Hongjoong had been longing to hear.

"What about us?" he suddenly heard himself say. He didn't mean to, but words seemed to just leave his lips without the permission.

Yeosang was about to leave, already turned half-way around when Hongjoong's words stopped him. The brunette flipped his hair back, while the grey eyes held something that hurt more than even hate would. Nothing.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"You... You know what I mean..."

Every breath hurt and every second felt like hours while waiting for Yeosang to reply.

"No, I really don't?" Yeosang then shrugged, and the carelessness that fell from his eyes hit Hongjoong right in the heart. "Because there is no us, there has never been an us."

The way Yeosang said those words, the way he almost rolled his eyes and let out a degrading chuckle as he spoke, made Hongjoong question how he could ever have fallen in love with someone like that.

But he had. He had loved Yeosang so endlessly much, he would've done anything in the world for him, he just needed to ask. Yeosang had been his everything for so long that Hongjoong didn't know how to live without him.

"Listen. I know I've said some pretty fucked up shit, I honestly don't know what happened to me," Yeosang said with another shrug, "You've never meant anything to me, besides being a decent fuck, and someone who was desperate enough to do whatever I wanted you to."

Yeosang's words were both a mumbled and at the same time cutting crystal clear into Hongjoong's ears. He was clinging onto the doorframe, while he for the first time ever just waited for Yeosang to go away.

And the younger was about to do just that. But he left a last message on the doorstep to Hongjoong's bleeding heart.

"I have always loved Woo. I will always love him... And I will never love you."