Joseph

Tuesday, December 8, 2002

Night

Getting it together was hard, but I did, putting on the fakest voice I could. There was still that raw, unfiltered part of my voice that I couldn't get rid of. Crying always messed with my brain. Just like back in my office, there was no way to put a mask on it. My real emotions always seeped through.

"Hey Alex, how are you?"

"Everything cool?"

He's definitely very observant..."I'm fine, just other stuff," I sighed.

"You wanna talk about it?"

"Alex! I'm YOUR therapist, not the other way around," I chuckled, laying on my back. Staring up at the ceiling, my mind rummaged through every drawer, trying to figure out why I was even smiling at all.

"Well, as MY therapist, I wanna know what's wrong..."

He's such a hassle. "I don't have time to challenge you, Alex. "

I could feel the smile on his face as he laughed. "Joseph, you seriously are beautiful, you know that?"

"Alex... What I said earlier was a mistake... I shouldn't have said it."

"So you don't think I'm beautiful?" He said with some hurt in his voice.

"No! ugh... Alex, I just can't say it..."

"What if I said I like you, Joseph? What would your response be?"

A smile formed on my face, but the realization hit and it went away. "I would say, I'm YOUR therapist Alex and I'm in a relationship..."

He chuckled, playing with something in the background. Probably his ring..."I thought you would say that..."

There was a ring at the doorbell and some talking. "I have to go!"

I hung up getting off the bed. "Joseph! You better be ready!" Sarah yelled from downstairs.

My nerves went high as I looked around my closet. All I have are suits and t-shirts and sweats...

"Time's up! I'm coming up!" she yelled, walking up the stairs. She opened the door, sighing. "You're still in your work clothes..."

"I don't know what to wear..."

She took my blazer off and unbuttoned my dress shirt. "There we go! Sexy! Now, let's go!" She rushed, taking my hand.

I almost tripped down the stairs as she rushed me out of the house.  Pete stared at me as I got in the backseat. "Who's Bachelor? Did you steal?"

"Sebastian's, now drive!" She growled.

He chuckled, pulling out of the driveway.

...

The club was packed, and everyone was staring at me once again... Guys kept giving me their phone numbers, and I received a couple of drinks that I didn't dare to try.

"I wish you were single, so you could actually have fun," Sarah shouted, drinking a martini.

My shot went down my throat like fire as the argument came to mind. "Looks like I'm heading that way, to be honest..." They started playing another Madonna song and my fingers immediately started tapping away on the table. "I'm gonna go dance. You know where to find me."

Dancing alone wasn't as horrible as I had imagined; all of my senses were heightened, and the barriers I'd built up over my life were dissolved as I moved to the rhythm. For me, it was pure euphoria...

"Hey, therapist! " someone yelled over the blasting music. That voice is familiar...

I turned my head to see Alex with no shirt on, smiling. "Alex! What are you doing here?"

"I always come here! The real question is, what are YOU doing here alone?" He chuckled, moving to the beat.

"Came here with Sarah and Pete"

He searched behind me till his gaze fell upon the booth. "They seem to be having fun with those guys."

Those guys? I turned around to see a bunch of girls and guys laughing and drinking around them. It made me feel alone again. They did nothing wrong. I'm happy they were having fun, but I enjoyed having good company around, made me feel less grey. He turned my head back to him.

"Dance with me." My body moved to the music, but negative thoughts took over, and the disagreement from earlier caught up with me... "Focus on me," he repeated, wiping away my tear. Never noticed how attractive he is... His darker look and tattoos really made him something interesting to look at... "Let's go sit and talk, Therapist..."

We walked over to an empty booth, and he couldn't help but wrap his hand around my waist. The hold he had on me was strong and territorial. Sebastian never held me like this or even remotely made me feel special. But it didn't matter cause what was happening right now was wrong, and I knew it. My body knew it, and so did my loyalty.

"So, what had you upset?"

"Nothing Alex, we shouldn't even be talking right now..."

He rolled his eyes, taking a shot. "Who gives a fuck, Joseph? Now answer my question."

"Alex-"

"Tell me! What made you upset NOW!" he demanded, hitting the table. Usually, this would be a red flag to others, but it was hot to me. He's not scary in the slightest, even with the tattoos and muscles. Probably cause we're about the same size. But something about him begging for me to speak just made the hairs on my skin raise in the best way.

"This might work on other guys, but not me," I giggled, staring at his cute, upset face.

Surveying my face, the corner of his mouth lifted and his fingers ran down my open shirt. Gliding over my chest hair. "So you wanna be in charge, huh?"

Touching his jawline with my thumb, I stared at his pursed lips. The urge to kiss him was strong, but I bit my lip, turning my attention to his eyes. They were so bright and blue. They stuck out amongst his tattoos and curly hair. "Now, how'd we get to that, Alex?"

"Based on your boyfriend, you must be the one in charge."

He's not wrong, but he's not right either. But how does he know what my boyfriend looks like...

"I don't play roles, Alex. It's a momentary thing."

"So right now you could let me be in control and an hour from now I could be getting fucked?" He asked, setting his hand on my thigh.

My eyes couldn't help but stay glued to him as all my senses went up. "You want me to fuck you later?"

"I want you every day, Joseph..." His playfulness was gone and was replaced with a straight face and a more serious tone. He lowered his hand to my groin, rubbing lightly. "I wanna have you to myself..."

My body heated up, and his stare only added to my heightened feelings. "Alex, I have to go..." I grumbled as I slipped free of his grasp and out of the booth.

"There you are! Let's go!" Sarah shouted, walking towards the exit. I wanted to go back, but my feet wouldn't let me as I jogged, catching up to her.

...

The ride back was quiet for me. Sarah and Pete talked about the people they met while my mind just stayed on my actions. I'm a disgusting person... There was no excuse for any of it. NONE of that should have happened. Loyalty was always something I held myself to, after what happened with Sebastian, and for me to break it. Made me like him. A cheater...

"Joseph, you cool?" Pete asked, looking through the rearview mirror.

"Fine, just thinking a lot."

"I bet you are... All snuggled up with that guy with tattoos," Sarah snickered with a smirk. My eyes went wide, I didn't think she saw me... "No need to be embarrassed, I'm not gonna say anything, and neither is Pete," she added, putting on some lip gloss. She glanced at me through the rearview mirror, handing me a lollipop. "You deserve someone who doesn't just look at you as a trophy, Joseph."

"A trophy? What do you mean by that?"

"I mean... I've seen the way your husband has talked about you whenever he visits the office. He speaks about you like your an object."

"That doesn't make what I was doing right..." I sighed, unwrapping the lollipop.

"Maybe not, but it sure beats the alternative, right?"

She's not all wrong... It's been a while since I felt that kind of spark. But it doesn't help the guilt. What I did was wrong and trying to justify it doesn't take away from my actions. Pete stopped at my house, eyeing my Lamborghini. "One day you have to take me for a drive in that thing!"

I patted his shoulder. "Will do! I'll see you guys later!"

They waved me goodbye, speeding off and my eyes settled on my house. Guess it's time to make it up and fix my mistake.  I opened the door to Sebastian, drinking a beer in the stairwell. Giving me a dirty look, he took another swig of his beer.

"I'm not a fan of this clubbing habit you've developed..."

Of course, I come home and have to argue... "So what? I'm having fun. You should be happy for me."

He stood up, walking down the few stairs. That dirty looked stayed on his face and he slammed the beer down on the coffee table, causing some of it to spill out. Walking up to me, he focused his eyes on my shirt. "You smell like alcohol, you have your shirt open, and you're already arguing with me..."

"You started it and if you're never gonna settle with me, might as well have fun, right?"

He laughed, picking his beer up. "Just cause I cheated on you doesn't mean you get to do whatever the fuck you want!"

My fist connected with his face, causing him to drop his beer. The fury in my body was like nothing I'd ever felt. Maybe it was the alcohol or my thoughts running wild in my head, but I wasn't going to take that from him. I deserve better than that...

"Baby... I'm sorry, I deserved that!" He slurred, holding his head.

"Why are you even with me, Sebastian?"

"Cause I love you!"

"No, you don't! You don't even wanna be with me."

"Just cause I don't wanna get engaged doesn't mean I don't want you..."

"What you said earlier already told me how you feel-" My voice started to crack a little and what he did started to come back stronger than ever. Definitely the alcohol...

"It came out wrong! I do want you Joseph! Just not marriage!"

"Why Sebastian?"

"Cause I'm still in my twenty's Joseph! I wanna live life! I don't wanna be tied down!"

"Then why'd you beg to stay? You could have just moved on, Sebastian!" everything just spilled out of me. "You knew what I wanted from the beginning! If you didn't wanna be tied down, why'd you WASTE MY FUCKING TIME?"

My feet stormed for the stairs, but his grip refused. "It was the wrong choice of words, Joseph! I'm drunk. Just don't listen to me right now, okay?"

The tears ran down my face and his words kept echoing through my head... "Give me the bottle Sebastian."

He handed it over, and my feet instantly rushed to the kitchen sink, pouring it all out. Then something inside of me snapped, and I went into the wine cabinet, pouring out every single rare bottle of wine and vodka we owned.

"Baby..."

"Your addiction broke us apart the first time and I won't let it happen again..."

One by one I poured all of it down the drain, but a piece of me knew this wasn't the problem. The problem is him. He doesn't want a relationship like that with me, and there's nothing I can do about it. With the last bottle, my rage grew, and I threw the bottle against the wall, smashing it to pieces. My cry had developed into a sob as I sank to the floor.

"Baby... I'm sorry! Okay? It's my fault!" He pleaded, sinking to my level in an attempt to console me, but I didn't want his comfort. I wanted him to love me as much as I love him.

"Get away from me..." I sobbed, hugging myself. He tried all he could to make things better, but nothing worked. I just laid on the freezing kitchen floor crying, trying to understand why I took him back in the first place.

━ ★ ━

How's your day going? Let me know in the comments!

Hope you enjoyed the Chapter!

Sincerely, R.J